I hope everybody enjoyed Chapter One of Freshman Year!!! I have more typed up and ready to go, but my time is limited tonight due to Game One of the NBA Finals, watching a Twins game, AND a friend of mine being on America's Got Talent, so I'm just going to do a quick TV recap...
Today's episode is called "Blunder Alley", and that title totally reminds me of this show I used to watch on TV as a kid. I think the show was called "Thunder Alley", but that's close enough. Haley Joel Osment (from the 6th Sense, duh) was on that show, if I recall correctly. I really doubt that has anything to do with this SVH episode, but it makes a good random trivia question, and -admit it- you just learned something new!!! You can thank me later.
Today's story begins at the Moon Beach (yay, Moon Beach!!!!). As you will remember, the scary new Bruce's daddy has recently purchased the MB so Bruce can get some work experience...or something. It appears Brucey has bought one of those fortune telling machines that has the creepy puppet lady inside. Those things freak me out SO bad!!!! And they remind me of the Riddler in Batman Forever...SCARY STUFF!!!!
In typical Sweet Valley fashion, everybody acts like this is the greatest thing ever!!!! Everybody flocks to the machine and starts pumping money into it in exchange for their paper fortunes. Damn, these kids REALLY need to get out more. Jess and Lila agree with me, of course, and they laugh at how stupid everybody else is. Winston pays for his fortune and gets a blank paper, but we already knew that was coming!!! Enid (ugh) also gets a fortune- she will soon get many gifts. Her stupid ass is all excited because her aunt is coming (LOL @ my notes, "Aunt coming- Flo or Rose?" Sorry for that, I can be immature sometimes!!!!) and said aunt always brings lots of gifts for her favorite niece. Blah, I'm going to go bash my head against the wall for awhile, call me when she's gone!!!!
Bruce (if you could even call him that...I really would have felt better had they just 86'ed Bruce's character and went with a new character instead of a replacement...Oh, Brock Burnett, how you have failed me!!!!) overhears Li and Jess's convo, and he gives them a free fortune, just for fun. Li's fortune warns of her impending doom, and Jess's says everything she loves will be destroyed. (Wait, Jess loves Liz, right?!?! This could be good!!!!) Jess and Li laugh off their predictions and go on about their day like any normal person would.
Meanwhile, guess who's back to his brooding in the billiards room?! No, not Mr. Body from 'CLUE'....TODD WILKINS!!!! Todd is currently hating on some new guy who's dating Liz, I guess. His name is Zack and he's wearing a t-shirt that he got on a trip to Kenya. Bruce strikes up a conversation with this dude because he's apparently also been to Kenya (yet another reason why I detest this new Bruce, he's just too...worldly for me!!!!). Bruce and Zack hit it off in a totally non-gay, Bromantic-type of way, and Todd sulks about it. Zack reveals that he is actually the subject of one of Liz's articles for the Oracle, but Todd still assumes the worst. Liz interviews Zack, and Todd's suspicions are confirmed when the interview concludes with Zack asking Liz out on a date.
Meanwhile, Jess and Lila seems to be having some very bad luck. On the way to the Moon Beach (wait, didn't they just leave the MB? Why are they going back?) they get splashed by a passing semi. (Being splashed is still better than being SQUASHED, you whiny little brats!!!!!) I guess that ties in with the fortunes they got earlier. (Jess loves her clothes, and they were destroyed by the splash, and being out in public looking dirty is probably Li's idea of social doom-ination!!!!) Jess and Li decide that, in order to reverse this sudden onset of bad luck, they need to get new, better fortunes. They feed the scary machine some $$$, and it spits out a couple fortunes. Li's says she will be burned, and Jess's says she will be spurned by a man with a red horse. Uh oh... Sure enough, Jess's date for the evening cancels (he drives a red Mustang, coincidentally!!!!) and Lila's hair gets fried in a freak styling accident (OMG, that's my worst fear, really!!!!). Jess and Li, being the super geniuses that they are, keep buying fortunes, hoping for a positive one. They also stock up on a bunch of lucky charms (rabbit feet and such, not the cereal) to ward off the bad luck. (Editorial comment: Ha, these two have NO IDEA what bad luck really is!!!!! Seriously!!!!) They return to the MB yet again, only to discover that bruce is cashing in and making hella bank off of their fortune teller addiction. Fortunes now cost FIVE dollars, and everybody is STILL buying them!!!! Except for my girl Cheryl, she's smart and knows it's all BS!!!!
Back to LameLand, Liz goes on her date with Zack. He's some sort of rainforest freak and he keeps babbling about conservation and nearly boring me to death. They end up at a bowling alley (ahhhh, that explains the title of the episode...I wonder what this "blunder" is going to be...) and -conveniently- Todd shows up with a date!!!! This new girl is a total Liz clone, and I am currently praying very hard that this girl is MARGO in a surprise cameo, that would be quite the blunder!!!! Sadly, they don't tell us her name (so I am going to go ahead and assume that this is Margo!!!!), and Liz is pissed that Todd showed up with this ho. She accuses him of trying to wreck her date with Zack, and this leads to an impromptu bowling showdown/MONTAGE! Liz and Todd both try to sabotage each other, and I wish they would both just get over themselves already. Dude, you're going to marry Jess, so just end this bullshit right now and spare me some misery!!!! (SPARE me, get it?!? Bowling.)
Luckily, I am spared (for the moment) as we travel back to the Moon Beach. People are still going all crazy over the $5 fortunes. It seems that everybody (with a few exceptions) is getting very good fortunes that immediately come true. Winston's are still blank, of course. Jess comes in on crutches because she tripped on a HORSESHOE during the commercial break. Oh, the irony!!! (Ooops, I did it again, "IRON"-y, horseshoe...) Lila gets so pissed off about all of this bad luck that she actually STRANGLES Enid (yes!!!! Love love LOVE Lila!!!!) for her good fortune. And my notes say "Manny=Puppy" for some reason...maybe because he follows Eeny around like one, or perhaps he recently acquired one as a pet? I may never know...or care, for that matter!!! Bruce makes fun of Jess and Li's craziness, and this leads us to...THE OBLIGATORY REVENGE SCENARIO FOR THIS EPISODE!!!! Jess begins to formulate a plan, which will be revealed to us at a later time...
Back at the bowling alley, Liz and Todd's tensions are boiling over. They fight some more, and then realize that their dates have left. TOGETHER!!!! Ha, way to go, Zack!!!! No wonder we will never see Zack again, going off alone with someone who is most likely MARGO!!!!! Either way, this leads Liz and Todd to realize how stupid they are being. Todd accidentally admits that he is still in love with Liz and they start to reminisce about their relationship. I think they're going to get back together pretty soon. Damn, I like Bad Todd!!!! (RIP, T-Wilk!!!!)
Of course, we still have to wrap up the other plot (A-Plot? B-Plot? I have no idea which is which, hence the combined-plot, switch back-and-forth recap) so we again travel to the Moon Beach. It's closed for the evening, but that will not stop Jess and Li from getting their revenge (on what/who? Bruce, for laughing at them? Or the fortune teller, for giving them sucky fortunes?). Jess still has a copy of the MB keys from that episode where she worked with Bruce, so they easily sneak inside and attack the fortune machine. Well, "attack" is too strong a word (I just want it to be more interesting, dammit!!!), they merely open it up and put fortunes that they made inside it.
The following day, people again flock to the fortune teller. Jess and Li's fortunes are actually coupons for free food at the MB!!!! (Oh, so they were getting revenge on Bruce for taking everybody's money! IDK anymore...and I don't think I care either.) The police bust in and demand to see a permit for the machine (?). Of course, Bruce didn't get one, and he complains to the police about someone putting the coupons in the fortune teller. The cops basically laugh at him and demand that he honor all of the coupons. Lila, sneaky as she is, donated a cappuccino machine to the precinct in order to set all of this up. Bruce knows what's up, but Jess and Lila deny all involvement (note to self: Moon Beach does not have security cameras at night?). Bruce shrugs it off and brings out his newest gimmick- fortune cookies!!!! Ummm, okay.
****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Who writes this crap?!?! A fucking FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE...for reals?!?! Last time I checked, high school kids liked to break into those things and steal the moneys... Only in Sweet Valley, I guess.
Next Time on SVH TV:
"Like Water For Hot Dogs"
SVH puts on a play, Liz and Todd eat some HDs, and SarahLynn makes numerous references to Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. (Don't judge me, I just REALLY like the IFOCE!!!!)