Friday, May 13, 2011

SVH #3 - Playing With Fire

Finally, a book worth reading!!! Jess hooks up with Bruce, so there's lots of hot Bruce action in this one. I'm sure that this will be the best book ever...

I swear my aunt had that exact same short-sleeved fuzzy pink sweater that Jess is wearing. And she had the exact same hair style too, PLUS she's a twin!!! Bruce kind of looks like Edward Cullen here, and I think he may be trying to strangle Jess. I like his sweater-over-the-shoulders type of style, very '80's prep. It really works for him, even if that feminine nose and mouth thing he has going on doesn't. I always pictured Bruce sexier than more Zac Efron-esque.

We begin with a Dance Contest!!!! Jess, sadly, is forced to dance with Win as a result of her being crowned queen in book #2. Jess would much rather be dancing with Bruce, and everybody knows it. The Droids are on stage (3 books, 3 performances!!!) and some creepy old guy is standing in the corner and watching. (And by "old", I mean he's in his early 20's.) He's rocking some leather pants and an unbuttoned white shirt. Classy. Jess wonders who he is, but tubby Robin Wilson (aka- SVH's obligatory fatass) waddles up and distracts her from her thoughts. Winston sucks at dancing and Jess is in danger of LOSING, so Jess takes advantage of Robin's presence by making her dance with Win after Bruce asks if he can cut in. Jess and Bruce dance wonderfully, and everybody else just gives up because they're just that awesome. They're a million times better than everybody else on the planet, so they win easily. They celebrate their victory with a slow dance and Jess tries to lead. Bruce refuses to let her and she realizes that Bruce usually goes for the more submissive girls (ie. Amy Sutton...) so she gives in and lets him take control. They continue to dance even after the Droids quit playing.
Liz talks to Emily Mayer after the Droids' set (Emily is the drummer with the cop uncle) and finds out more about the creeper guy in the corner. His name is Tony Conover and he's a big-time manager. The Droids are going BIG TIME!!!! (Uh-huh, with a name like "CONover", that guy is sure to be a winner...NOT!!!!) Liz invites Emily to the afterparty at Ken's house, and Jess finally quits dancing long enoough to inform Winston that she is going to said afterparty with Bruce. Win is depressed and Jess solves 2 problems at once by pushing poor Robin on him again. She tells the poor fat girl that Win is totally into her, and Robin takes the bait. Liz watches the whole scene unfold with a disapproving look on her face. She hopes that Jess knows what Bruce is like and that he won't hurt her too badly.

Ken's party sounds awesome!!!! He lives on a lake and Lila is his date, so you know dude's got a little swag!!! Everybody decides to go swimming and Jess puts on her sluttiest red bikini. She and Bruce swim away from the group and makeout while treading water. Bruce unties her top (HOT!!!! I totally remember being all "OMG!!!!" when I read this at age 8!!!!) and Jess is slightly embarassed. She quickly reties it and suggests to Bruce that they go somewhere more private. He leads her into the woods and Liz watches them with disapproval. She follows them (No comment!!!!) and finds them rolling in some leaves. She tries to pull Jess away, but Jess is into it so she just waves Liz away. Jess does try to slow Bruce down a little bit by saying that Todd is cheating on Liz and that's why Liz is being so annoying. Bruce doesn't give a shit, so Jess just gives in and stays out all night doing god-knows-what...

Of course, Liz covers for Jess at home, but she still lectures Jess when she sneaks in around dawn. Liz tries to warn Jess that Bruce is very controlling and manipulative, but Jess really doesn't care. Even her parents are impressed that she's dating Bruce, so Liz is basically SOL on that argument. Liz gets out her frustration by writing a series of articles for the Oracle. She's covering the Droids and their rise to superstardom. Jess, on the other hand, spends the day skipping class and making out with Bruce. He even gives her a fake doctor's note so she won't get in trouble. Awesome!!! I wish I had a few of those...

That afternoon, Liz sits at home and works on her articles some more. Robin Wilson shows up and is disappointed that Jess forgot about their shopping date. Liz shakes her head and pities the poor girl, knowing full well that Jess hates Robin and will never keep a promise...which may or not be important in book #4.

Jess plays tennis with Bruce. She's a far superior player, and he hates losing to a girl. She throws the game on purpose so he's doesn't get mad and break up with her. I guess this is trying to show us that Jess will do anything to keep Bruce happy...or something. Jess completely blows off studying for some big test to play a few more matches with Bruce. But don't worry- she has a "study plan"...Emily Mayer sits next to her and her handwriting is big, so Jess is easily able to cheat her way through class.

Meanwhile, Liz works on her stupid Droids articles and attends a band practice. The Droids are fighting about everything from what songs to play to what to wear on stage, and they've been practicing nonstop since meeting Tony. Emily has been so busy with the band that she has totally forgotten to study!!!! So, in other words, Jess is SCREWED!!!! Jess (and Emily) both fail and have to take a re-test. Jess cries to Bruce and he promises to help her cheat...

Back in LizLand, Winston is moping around the Oracle office. Liz knows he's upset about Jess dating Bruce, so she suggests that he come to the Droids concert (it's at some big club!!!) with her and Todd. Liz also invited Robin Wilson out of pity, and Win is not too happy about that. People who eat all the time make him nervous. (Asshole!!!! Not all fat people eat 24/7...Just look at Jess's eating habits!!!! Or, for that matter, MINE!!!! I wear a size 0 or 1 and I eat like 12 times a day. In fact, I'm eating right now!!!)

The following evening, Jess return home from a Saturday shopping spree with LOTS of new clothes. Sadly, everything is very professional-looking and super preppy. Bruce picked it all out, and it's really more Liz's style. Jess is excited because Bruce is happy, so she immediately switches up her dresscode and even gives Liz some slutty stuff to wear to the Droids' concert that evening.

Liz and co. arrive at the club and are shocked to see that their "big club gig" is in a very dilapidated shack-like place that totally sucks!!! There's not even a VIP section or bottle service, and only like 10 people showed up. Everybody has a horrible time, and Win bitches about being setup with Robin, so Liz calls it a night after the first set. On the way back to SV, Liz drives by Bruce's (empty) car near the beach. Robin starts to gush about how cute Jess and Bruce are, and Win pouts some more. Todd doesn't help matters much by informing Liz that Bruce is bragging about how he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants it from Jess. Liz wants to put a stop to their relationship, but she decides that there's no stopping Jess when she's determined to do something.

Liz goes back to immersing herself in her articles. She sits in some guy named Guy's basement (which is full of cigarette smoke, oh no!!!!) and listens to the Droids brag about their other, more successful gigs that she didn't bother to show up to. Two weeks pass and Jess continues to ignore her warnings about Bruce. Jess begins to skip classes AND cheer practice, and she ends up quitting the squad because Bruce hates cheerleaders. Cara Walker tries to talk some sense into Jess, telling her that Bruce did the exact same shit to her, but Jess refuses to listen, even when Bruce cancels dates and forgets to call for days on end.

The days turn to weeks, and Jess patiently waits for Bruce to pay attention to her. She even convinces Robin to "help" her cook a special meal for Bruce because he's such a great BF. Robin's new fixation is joining PBA, so she agrees to do this as long as Jess nominates her for membership. (Yeah, right, like that will happen...) Jess even manages to tricking Robin into "helping" her babysit Mr. Collins' son, Teddy (AKA- SAM!!! He's 6 in this book, which still makes him younger than the 19 years he claimed in SVC...maybe Mr. C. has TWO sons...) in case Bruce calls and wants to go out. He finally does call, and Jess leaves poor pathetic Robin alone in her house with Teddy. Bruce promised Jess a nice evening out, but instead he takes her to the beach. She begins to wonder why he never brings her anywhere else... Bruce further angers Jess by telling her that he has to cancel yet another date because his grandmother is in town and he needs to keep her company. But, he tells her that her teacher keeps a copy of the answers to the re-test and basically gives her a step-by-step plan for stealing it, so Jess forgives him for the broken date...

Jess convinces Robin to steal the test as part of her PBA "initiation", and Robin does as told. She slips the test into Emily Mayer's locker and basically blackmails Emily into doing the cheating for her. Meanwhile, Liz is working on her gossip column and she discovers that Bruce is lying to Jess. When he claimed to be busy with his grandmother, he was actually out racing rally cars. And, worst of all, he was with some other girl!!!!! OH SNAP!!!!

Liz tries to tell Jess about this, but Jess is still not hearing it. Liz gives up and goes back to working on her Droids article. The band keeps fighting and Dana Larson admits that Tony has been calling HER -and ONLY her- with all the important details. This is causing a lot of tension, and I wish they would hurry up and fix their lame little band so I can go back to reading about Bruce. He's probably shirtless on the beach right now!!!! Damn you, book!!!! The tension finally causes Emily to snap, and she admits to Liz that she cheated on the re-test. She's kind enough not to implicate Jess, but Liz still suggests that Emily talk to the teacher about this shit. Jess is pissed when she gets her test back and receives an F. She tries to blame Emily for cheating wrong, but Emily isn't about to deal with that shit. She admits that she told the teacher about cheating, but she did not tell on Jess. Jess just sucks at cheating!!!! Bruce is unsympathetic and he tells Jess to stop bitching about it.

Bruce promises Jess a romantic dinner at the country club to celebrate his birthday. BRUCE IS TURNING 18!!!! (And SarahLynn is now phoning airlines and trying to get an express flight to Sweet Valley!!! Bruce is legal!!!!) Of course, Bruce breaks his promise and throws a huge party at the country club. He claims it was a surprise party- FOR JESS!!!! Riiight... She's PISSED!!!! He promises her that they can be alone after the festivities, and he throws the SIX birthday gifts she bought him into the backseat without even bothering to open them. (Wonder what's inside? My guess- a Swatch, a Michael Jackson cassette, a Star Wars VHS...?) Bruce promptly ditches Jess as soon as they get to the party and Jess pretends like it doesn't bother her. At this time, it's revealed that the Droids are playing this function and NOT becoming superstars. I was right about Tony Con-over!!!! He was on some bullshit and not legit. He was only pretending that he could make them famous so Dana would like him. What. A. Loser. Dude, Dana = HIGH SCHOOL GIRL!!!! Damn creepers!!! Either way, everything is back to normal and the Droids are BFFs again. Bruce finally gets around to dancing with Jess...ONE song!!! She's really upset and in need of that "alone time" he promised, but he announces after the dance that the party is moving to Guido's.

At the pizza parlor, Bruce goes right back to ignoring Jess. Suddenly, his grandmother gets sick and he has to leave. Liz and Todd drag Jess home and Liz has a sneaking suspicion about Bruce. Liz pretends to have forgotten her wallet and Todd obediently returns to Guido's just in time for Jess to see Bruce has returned. And he has some bitch with him!!!! Oh hell no!!! Jess sees her man all over that redheaded slut and she loses it!!! She throws that nasty, greasy Guido's pizza right into Bruce's face without a moment's hesitation. She then proceeds to dump an entire pitcher of soda over his head, causing him to stumble blindly out of his chair and fall into the decorative waterfall that just so happened to be next to his chair. Everybody laughs at Bruce, even me!!! He kind of deserved that for cheating on my girl Jess!!! Jess throws salt into the wound by publicly dumping Bruce and asking Winston if he wants to go on a date with her. He readily agrees and then go off into the night, with Jess deflating all four of Bruce's tires as she leaves.

Liz and Todd stay behind and watch Bruce slink out the door. Robin Wilson joins them and gushes about how Jess is awesome and how Jess is going to get her into PBA. Liz knows it's bullshit, and she pities Robin for being so gullible. She actually likes Robin, so she swears to herself that, if Jess doesn't keep her promise, she will get Robin into PBA herself!!!! I KNEW that was a setup for book #4, I just knew it!!! Sadly, my edition ends here and I now have to locate the elusive book #4...

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Cheater or not, Bruce is still hot. And he's LEGAL now!!!!
*Robin Wilson is annoying, and it has nothing to do with her being overweight. She's just annoying!!!!
*Speaking of annoying, Enid was mysteriously absent from this book. And I am NOT complaining!!!!
*The Droids are not going to be famous, EVER!!!! They're not even fun to read about...but they smoke cigarettes, so I would probably be hanging out with them if I lived in SV...

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