Monday, February 13, 2012

The Unicorn Club #5 - Unicorns In Love

Intro: Hello, loves! After yet another long absence, I'm again attempting to return to blogging. I miss it terribly, this blog was like my baby at this time last year and I've invested sooo much time and money into it that I'm finding it impossible to walk away. Life's crazy these days!!! I finally returned to work (a new job, which unfortunately doesn't pay as much as the old one) and being a single 26 year-old is DIFFICULT!!!! Between socializing, planning my first ever vacation, and trying to date again (PLUS...having my heart broken AGAIN, which I'm sure I'll tell you about randomly), I barely have time to breathe, let alone sit here and write a post. But, I have managed to read quite a few Unicorn books (which is NOT an easy task, trust me!!!) this year, and hopefully I'll get back to recapping them regularly for you. For now, you'll have to settle for this one from May of 1994, which I am only recapping because tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'd much rather be recapping a Lila book!!!

It appears that our beloved Unicorns are coupling up these days!!! And their boyfriends are wearing matching shoes!!! One of the twins (Jessica, I'm assuming) appears to be none too happy about this new development. Or maybe she's just pissed that her head appears to be far too large for her body. Some Asian girl (Evie? IDK, honestly, I spaced out on these books after The Best Friend Game...) is whispering to Jess, so I assume that the rest of the UC is also pretty upset about this shit.

Back Cover: Yep, that's Evie. Wow, I have an excellent memory!!!! It seems that there's trouble in Unicorn Land. Lila, Mary, Mandy, and Ellen have new boyfriends!!! The rest of the UC is pretty upset about this, so it leads to them fighting and the club disbands! Oh shit, does that mean I don't have to suffer through any more of these?!? Sadly no, because Evie overhears Rick Hunter (Mary's BF) saying that he's going to the big school dance with Amanda Harmon (that whoreface from book #3, oh hell no!!!!) and he plans to dump Mary publically. OMFG, what a douche!!!! Oh wait, he's a MAN, and men do that type of shit, especially in junior high...(and sometimes in their 30's, but that's another story.) Anyways, Evie decides that the only way to stop Rick's douchebaggery is to reunite the Unicorns! Fascinating, No?

Recap: Evie begins the book by telling us about herself. Zzzzzz, wake me up when we get to the part about Jessica and Lila... Evie is Korean-American, with long straight black hair. She is 4'11 and 3/4 inches tall (why she tells us this is beyond it supposed to imply that she's short because she's Asian? Well, it doesn't mean shit!!! I was shorter than that when I was in the 6th grade!!!) and she lives with her grandmother and great aunt, who force her to play the violin nonstop. Ok, you know she doesn't say it like that, but we all know it's true. Evie is babbling about how SVMS is putting on a play that some famous director is helping with, and it's about vampires. Evie and Mandy Miller are doing costumes, Ellen wants to act, Lila wants to boss people around as stage manager, and Jessica wants to be an usher. Haha, RIIIGHT!!! Jess wants to be THE STAR, duh. And I really hate this first person narration crap!!! While all of this is happening, Evis is describing the club, and telling us about her friends. It's all a jumbled, confusing mess that SarahLynn could do without!!! So, in summation,
Lila = rich as hell
Mandy = had cancer once upon a time, dresses awesome
Jessica = major slut, always chasing boys, has a boring twin named Elizabeth
Maria = token black girl, former actress
Ellen = mildly retarded, wants to act, but nobody thinks she can
Got it? I'm sure we'll be subjected to more description as the chapter progresses because that barely covered anything, plus mixing it with the story confused me!!!! Damn you, book!!!

Anyways, all that aside, we now join Evie at her grandmother's store, which is called The Attic. We learn that Evie lives with her grandmother because her parents dies when she was 6...awwww, sad!!! The UC is helping Evie's grandmother out because they recently saved the store from going bankrupt and because they get free vintage clothing for doing so. Mary is going on and on about how Rick Hunter is playing the vampire in the play, and how she has a serious crush on him. I see where this is going...

Later, the UC continues it's charitable efforts by bringing some of the poor kids from that damn daycare center they go to in every chapter to the science museum. Sweet, I LOVE the science museum!!!! Can I go too?!?!? They have dinosaurs there, and this particular museum has one of those inflatable bounce houses!!!! The one by me does NOT, so I am jealous as hell. Ellen is babbling about some guy named Tim Davis. Her friends aren't big fans of his because all he talks about is BASKETBALL (yay!!!! Me too!!!!) and how awesome he is... Sounds like my type all the way!!! Too bad he's 13...and fictional!!! Mary is jealous of Ellen though, because Ellen gets to kiss Rick in the play!!! Oooh, potential girlfight!!!!

At school the following day, we finally get some Lila!!! She appears to have fallen for some hottie by the name of Tommy Rivera, and Mandy is all over some dude named Peter DeHaven. They're all working on the play together, along with Rick and Mary. Everybody pairs up neatly, with the exception of Jessica, Evie, Elizabeth, and Maria. So like half the club now has boyfriends!!!! The Unicorner is quite empty at lunch because of this, and the 4 bouyfriend-less Unicorns are bumming. And I just LOVE how easy it is to find a boyfriend in Sweet Valley!!! Here I am, just hitting 8 months single (as of yesterday!!!), and I kind of hate them for that!!! Sure, I've had dates since the breakup, and it was getting serious with this one guy, but he randomly decided that I wasn't what he wanted (*cough, cough* probably GAY *cough,cough*)...yet these bitches can start relationships in the span of like 6 pages!!! No wonder the single ladies are upset!!!! They distract themselves by discussing the club's scheduled mall trip.

As it turns out, the Unicorns with boyfriends blow off the mall trip entirely! Those whores!!! They were supposed to all shop for SVMS's big semiformal dance, but instead the single Unicorns head to Casey's to settle their sorrows with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Of course, they run into Mandy and Lila there. They're on a double date!!! OMG!!! This is enough to make even Jessica lose her appetite, so you know shit's about to go down!!!

At school the following day, tension rises. Even Elizabeth (who Evie calls the "least whiny" person she, Evie must only know like 6 people!!!) is complaining. Lila, Mandy, Mary, and Ellen are so consumed with their new boy toys that they're all late for play rehearsal. Everybody worries that Ellen is so caught up in her new man that she won't be able to remember her lines on opening day (way to give her credit, you bitches!!!), and even Mandy is spacing out on her wardrobe responsibilities.

The single Unicorns leave rehearsal and go straight to the daycare center. The Unicorns with boyfriends don't even bother to go, except for Ellen, who shows up super late and talks nonstop about Tim. It's annoying as hell, and the last straw is when Ellie (Lila's little buddy) tells Jessica how much she misses Lila and thinks Li will never, ever come back. Awwww, I love Li, but even I think blowing off a little girl who obviously looks up to her and thinks the world of her is a little low. Poor Ellie. Jess is upset by this, and she decided to call an emergency meeting! When she tells the rest of the club, they all have plans with their boyfriends already! So that plan is totally fucked!!!! Jess is pissed, and so are the rest of the single Unicorns. This leads to words being exchanged, and the club ends up breaking up since boys are obviously more important than friends!!! Oh shit!!! Please, please let this be permanent!!! I'm losing my mind reading this crap, and I cannot stand the thought of having to read more of these books!!! They're TERRIBLE!!! Poor Evie cries because of the breakup, and shit gets awkward. They even stop speaking to each other!!! Poor Evie has to suffer through gym class and play basketball with Ellen without speaking!!! To make matters worse, that bitch Amanda Howard is also on her team. Rehearsals for the play are no easier, Mandy won't speak to Evie (the bitch passes her NOTES instead, grow the fuck up!!!! Mandy, you survived CANCER, you should realize that life is short and your FRIENDS are the ones that are there for you, boys will only break your heart!!!) Mary won't speak to Elizabeth either, she puts some poor girl named Carmen in the middle of shit and makes her talk to Liz!!!! This is just retarded. Ellen is so distracted by all of this and by Tim's sexiness that she fucks up her lines. The single Unicorns leave rehearsal in bad moods because 1) their firendships are fucked, and 2) the play also appears to be fucked as a result. They decide to cheer themselves up by having a 4 person pity party. They sit around and mope about how much they miss their friends, and the days of the Unicorn Club (ie. THE DAY BEFORE!!!), and they hate all the new free time that they have without the club. Whatever, I'm bored, where's my vodka?!?!

Back at school the next day, Evie and Liz are hanging out in the library. Yawn, I miss Lila!!!! I can't wait to get through this shit so I can do some Lila books for you!!!! I have TWO on deck, and I think I will do them next!!!! Because this is fucking TORTURE!!!! Anyways, Evie and Liz overhear that cunt Amanda talking about the semiformal and how she's going to invite Rick. Uh oh!!! Apparently, the UC hasn't spoken in 5 whole days at this point, so Evie and Liz decide that it would be awkward to tell Mary about this...

To make it even more awkward, Evie goes to the daycare center after school only to find Mary there. Mary's gushing to the kids about the big dance and how she has a new, expensive dress, and how her date is perfect!!! The kids eat it all up, and Ellie wants to hear all about Lila and Tommy. Mary indulges her, and Evie vomits in her mouth a little. THe rest of the kids are also super excited, because they're going to the vampire play!!!

The following day, Evie and Liz's fears are comfirmed when they overhear Rick telling his buddies about Amanda and how he's going to the dance with her. He plans to tel Mary he's too sick to go, and then show up with Amanda. DOUCHE!!!! Evie and Liz decide to ASK him if he's serious and, after they tell him that they're no onger speaking to Mary, douchebag confirms it!!! Yes, the dumbass actually TELLS them that he's doing this.

Evie is upset, but life goes on. She goes to violin practice and cannot focus for shit. She confides in her teacher about the whole Rick thing, and he tells her that, despite recent events, she obviously still cares about Mary, and she should really tell Mary because friends are forever. Or some shit. Evie thinks that's probably a good idea, especially since Mary is investing so much money into the dance. Mary is now getting her hair done AND a makeover at the mall to go along with the dress!!! And, to make matters worse, it seems that EVERYBODY at school now knows about this, except for poor Mary!!! Evie knows what she must do- REUNITE THE UNICORNS!!!!! Because apparently it takes 8 people to solve this damn problem... And, honestly, I am surprised that the former Unicorns are unaware of this!!!! Where is Caroline Pearce?!?! Is she too busy with her early stage breast cancer to gossip this week?!?!

The girls without boyfriends all reach out and contact their former friends. An emergency meeting is called because, in all honesty, they all still care about each other!!! Plus, it's only book #5, so they can't end it yet!!! They tell Mary about Rick's douche tendencies, and Mary cries, of course. Mandy and Jessica team up and call that whore Amanda, and she confirms that Dick -I mean Rick- is going with her. Which only means one thing, the UC needs...REVENGE!!!! Sweet, I hope they kick this asshole in the nuts, and Amanda needs her ass kicked too!!!

Sadly, this IS Sweet Valley, so there will be none of that. The Unicorns work together to rewrite one of the scenes for the play, which -coincidentally- features Rick's character having multiple girlfriends, or something. In the revised scene, several of the characters (all -coincidentally- played by Unicorns) will totally call him out for messing with multiple girls and being a douche in general. Plus, Mandy will sabotauge his costume so his pants are too large, thus causing them to fall down when the girls start fighting over him. Yawn, I could have come up with a better plan than that. Anyways, their plan goes successfully and everybody laughs. The audience thinks it's part of the play, so nothing is actually ruined on that front. But the director is kind of upset, although the UC quickly explains that it was just an opening night glitch. At the afterparty, Jessica goes up to Rick and bitches him out for what he did, and he doesn't seem to care (because he is a MAN, and men suck!!!) until Amanda comes up and announces that she can't go with him because he looked like an idiot on stage. Not because he has a GIRLFRIEND, because he looked stupid on stage!!! (Oh Amanda, you and I have more in common than I thought!!! Girlfriends, wives, I'm not deterred by either one most of the time!!! Call me when you turn 21, we could cause some major trouble!!!)

After a successful humiliation, the UC gets together to discuss the dance (the girls without dates are going together, but the 3 girls with boyfriends will still be going as couples) and set some new club rules so this never happens again. The new rules are simple (so Ellen can remember them!): Everybody must attend the bi-weekly meetings, no blowing off friends for boyfriends, and no dating douchebags!!!! The book ends with a cryptic statement about how the Unicorns are at peace, but will it last? I'm guessing NO, being that book #6 is called The Unicorns At War... (And yes, I do have that one, but after enduring this crap-fest, I need some LILA in my life!!!!)

The back of the book redeems itself by advertising the SVH Jungle Prom miniseries, promising that there is "one person with a power so evil, so dangerous, that it could destroy the entire world of Sweet Valley"... Of course, they are referring to MARGO!!!! Just the mere thought of her is enough to brighten my entire life!!!! Although I do not recall her having any special POWER to speak of... Is being a doppleganger considered a power?!?!

And, speaking of dopplegangers, they actually are NOT as uncommon as other blogs lead you to believe... Being a tan, blue-eyed, blonde myself, I was surprised a few months ago while at the bar one night. Apparently, yours truly is in fact a doppleganger!!!! And here is the proof!!! Blogiverse, meet my long-lost "twin"!!!!

Creepy, huh?!?! I actually grew up with this girl and hadn't seen her for like 10 years, but people kept mistaking me for her and, when we finally ran into each other, it was like a total Parent Trap moment! And yes, Sweet Valley was the first thing that came to mind!!!

***The SarahLynn Summary***
BOYS FUCKING SUCK!!!! They cheat, consume way too much time, and then try to dump you publically. That's why it's best to break their hearts and humiliate them before they get the chance!!! And, in truth, I would much rather be "the other woman", because at least you KNOW what's going on!!!

Coming Up Next...
Lila's dad ignores her, so she decides to throw THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY!!!! With HIGH SCHOOL BOYS!!!!! And yes, Bruce comes too!!!! Plus, there's SHOPPING involved!!!!