Tuesday, May 31, 2011

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 9) - "Blunder Alley"

I hope everybody enjoyed Chapter One of Freshman Year!!! I have more typed up and ready to go, but my time is limited tonight due to Game One of the NBA Finals, watching a Twins game, AND a friend of mine being on America's Got Talent, so I'm just going to do a quick TV recap...

Today's episode is called "Blunder Alley", and that title totally reminds me of this show I used to watch on TV as a kid. I think the show was called "Thunder Alley", but that's close enough. Haley Joel Osment (from the 6th Sense, duh) was on that show, if I recall correctly. I really doubt that has anything to do with this SVH episode, but it makes a good random trivia question, and -admit it- you just learned something new!!! You can thank me later.

Today's story begins at the Moon Beach (yay, Moon Beach!!!!). As you will remember, the scary new Bruce's daddy has recently purchased the MB so Bruce can get some work experience...or something. It appears Brucey has bought one of those fortune telling machines that has the creepy puppet lady inside. Those things freak me out SO bad!!!! And they remind me of the Riddler in Batman Forever...SCARY STUFF!!!!

In typical Sweet Valley fashion, everybody acts like this is the greatest thing ever!!!! Everybody flocks to the machine and starts pumping money into it in exchange for their paper fortunes. Damn, these kids REALLY need to get out more. Jess and Lila agree with me, of course, and they laugh at how stupid everybody else is. Winston pays for his fortune and gets a blank paper, but we already knew that was coming!!! Enid (ugh) also gets a fortune- she will soon get many gifts. Her stupid ass is all excited because her aunt is coming (LOL @ my notes, "Aunt coming- Flo or Rose?" Sorry for that, I can be immature sometimes!!!!) and said aunt always brings lots of gifts for her favorite niece. Blah, I'm going to go bash my head against the wall for awhile, call me when she's gone!!!!

Bruce (if you could even call him that...I really would have felt better had they just 86'ed Bruce's character and went with a new character instead of a replacement...Oh, Brock Burnett, how you have failed me!!!!) overhears Li and Jess's convo, and he gives them a free fortune, just for fun. Li's fortune warns of her impending doom, and Jess's says everything she loves will be destroyed. (Wait, Jess loves Liz, right?!?! This could be good!!!!) Jess and Li laugh off their predictions and go on about their day like any normal person would.

Meanwhile, guess who's back to his brooding in the billiards room?! No, not Mr. Body from 'CLUE'....TODD WILKINS!!!! Todd is currently hating on some new guy who's dating Liz, I guess. His name is Zack and he's wearing a t-shirt that he got on a trip to Kenya. Bruce strikes up a conversation with this dude because he's apparently also been to Kenya (yet another reason why I detest this new Bruce, he's just too...worldly for me!!!!). Bruce and Zack hit it off in a totally non-gay, Bromantic-type of way, and Todd sulks about it. Zack reveals that he is actually the subject of one of Liz's articles for the Oracle, but Todd still assumes the worst. Liz interviews Zack, and Todd's suspicions are confirmed when the interview concludes with Zack asking Liz out on a date.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila seems to be having some very bad luck. On the way to the Moon Beach (wait, didn't they just leave the MB? Why are they going back?) they get splashed by a passing semi. (Being splashed is still better than being SQUASHED, you whiny little brats!!!!!) I guess that ties in with the fortunes they got earlier. (Jess loves her clothes, and they were destroyed by the splash, and being out in public looking dirty is probably Li's idea of social doom-ination!!!!) Jess and Li decide that, in order to reverse this sudden onset of bad luck, they need to get new, better fortunes. They feed the scary machine some $$$, and it spits out a couple fortunes. Li's says she will be burned, and Jess's says she will be spurned by a man with a red horse. Uh oh... Sure enough, Jess's date for the evening cancels (he drives a red Mustang, coincidentally!!!!) and Lila's hair gets fried in a freak styling accident (OMG, that's my worst fear, really!!!!). Jess and Li, being the super geniuses that they are, keep buying fortunes, hoping for a positive one. They also stock up on a bunch of lucky charms (rabbit feet and such, not the cereal) to ward off the bad luck. (Editorial comment: Ha, these two have NO IDEA what bad luck really is!!!!! Seriously!!!!) They return to the MB yet again, only to discover that bruce is cashing in and making hella bank off of their fortune teller addiction. Fortunes now cost FIVE dollars, and everybody is STILL buying them!!!! Except for my girl Cheryl, she's smart and knows it's all BS!!!!

Back to LameLand, Liz goes on her date with Zack. He's some sort of rainforest freak and he keeps babbling about conservation and nearly boring me to death. They end up at a bowling alley (ahhhh, that explains the title of the episode...I wonder what this "blunder" is going to be...) and -conveniently- Todd shows up with a date!!!! This new girl is a total Liz clone, and I am currently praying very hard that this girl is MARGO in a surprise cameo, that would be quite the blunder!!!! Sadly, they don't tell us her name (so I am going to go ahead and assume that this is Margo!!!!), and Liz is pissed that Todd showed up with this ho. She accuses him of trying to wreck her date with Zack, and this leads to an impromptu bowling showdown/MONTAGE! Liz and Todd both try to sabotage each other, and I wish they would both just get over themselves already. Dude, you're going to marry Jess, so just end this bullshit right now and spare me some misery!!!! (SPARE me, get it?!? Bowling.)

Luckily, I am spared (for the moment) as we travel back to the Moon Beach. People are still going all crazy over the $5 fortunes. It seems that everybody (with a few exceptions) is getting very good fortunes that immediately come true. Winston's are still blank, of course. Jess comes in on crutches because she tripped on a HORSESHOE during the commercial break. Oh, the irony!!! (Ooops, I did it again, "IRON"-y, horseshoe...) Lila gets so pissed off about all of this bad luck that she actually STRANGLES Enid (yes!!!! Love love LOVE Lila!!!!) for her good fortune. And my notes say "Manny=Puppy" for some reason...maybe because he follows Eeny around like one, or perhaps he recently acquired one as a pet? I may never know...or care, for that matter!!! Bruce makes fun of Jess and Li's craziness, and this leads us to...THE OBLIGATORY REVENGE SCENARIO FOR THIS EPISODE!!!! Jess begins to formulate a plan, which will be revealed to us at a later time...

Back at the bowling alley, Liz and Todd's tensions are boiling over. They fight some more, and then realize that their dates have left. TOGETHER!!!! Ha, way to go, Zack!!!! No wonder we will never see Zack again, going off alone with someone who is most likely MARGO!!!!! Either way, this leads Liz and Todd to realize how stupid they are being. Todd accidentally admits that he is still in love with Liz and they start to reminisce about their relationship. I think they're going to get back together pretty soon. Damn, I like Bad Todd!!!! (RIP, T-Wilk!!!!)

Of course, we still have to wrap up the other plot (A-Plot? B-Plot? I have no idea which is which, hence the combined-plot, switch back-and-forth recap) so we again travel to the Moon Beach. It's closed for the evening, but that will not stop Jess and Li from getting their revenge (on what/who? Bruce, for laughing at them? Or the fortune teller, for giving them sucky fortunes?). Jess still has a copy of the MB keys from that episode where she worked with Bruce, so they easily sneak inside and attack the fortune machine. Well, "attack" is too strong a word (I just want it to be more interesting, dammit!!!), they merely open it up and put fortunes that they made inside it.

The following day, people again flock to the fortune teller. Jess and Li's fortunes are actually coupons for free food at the MB!!!! (Oh, so they were getting revenge on Bruce for taking everybody's money! IDK anymore...and I don't think I care either.) The police bust in and demand to see a permit for the machine (?). Of course, Bruce didn't get one, and he complains to the police about someone putting the coupons in the fortune teller. The cops basically laugh at him and demand that he honor all of the coupons. Lila, sneaky as she is, donated a cappuccino machine to the precinct in order to set all of this up. Bruce knows what's up, but Jess and Lila deny all involvement (note to self: Moon Beach does not have security cameras at night?). Bruce shrugs it off and brings out his newest gimmick- fortune cookies!!!! Ummm, okay.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Who writes this crap?!?! A fucking FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE...for reals?!?! Last time I checked, high school kids liked to break into those things and steal the moneys... Only in Sweet Valley, I guess.

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Like Water For Hot Dogs"
SVH puts on a play, Liz and Todd eat some HDs, and SarahLynn makes numerous references to Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. (Don't judge me, I just REALLY like the IFOCE!!!!)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Better Late Than Never... Freshman Year #2

After much ado, I have finally gotten around to this!!! (I still have my Winston story as well, I just need to get this one out of the way first.) I have to admit that I haven't gotten around to finishing this yet, but I'll keep working as I go along...

Chapter One
"A little higher, Steven," Elizabeth Wakefield shouted to her brother. Steven raised the banner he was holding, nearly falling off the ladder as he did so. Steven quickly steadied himself as he climbed down to admire his handiwork. The large purple and powder blue banner was now hung perfectly above the Wakefield's front door. "Welcome home, Jessica and Robin," Elizabeth stepped back as and read the banner aloud.

Robin, Elizabeth and Steven's cousin, was flying to Sweet Valley from Washington DC that afternoon. Her parents, both professors, were given a teaching assignment in Australia, so Robin was coming to stay with the Wakefields.

Jessica, Elizabeth's identical twin sister, had been in the hospital for the past three days. After a fight with Elizabeth, Jessica had gone out for a walk and been struck by a drunk driver. Her left ankle was shattered in the collision, and Elizabeth still felt guilty about it. In the days following Jessica's accident, Elizabeth had hardly left Jessica's side. Elizabeth had even slept at the hospital. Jessica, of course, had soaked up all of the attention. The doctor had not allowed Jessica to have visitors, so Elizabeth had decided to throw her a welcome home party, and it seemed to be the perfect excuse to introduce Robin to all of their friends. As they walked into the den, Steven and Elizabeth marveled at all of the get well gifts Jessica had received.

It seemed that every student at Sweet Valley High had wanted to wish Jessica a speedy recovery, and most of them had sent gifts as well. There were also tables full of flowers, and a large box of get well cards. The entire sofa was full of various teddy bears, and a large stuffed unicorn currently occupied Mr. Wakefield's favorite recliner. "Get Well Soon!" Elizabeth read the card on the unicorn, "We'll be cheering for you!" Steven didn't even bother to ask who the unicorn was from, they both knew that the Sweet Valley High cheerleading squad had delivered it personally the day before. "When did the doctor say Jess could go back to cheering?" Steven asked, helping himself to a bowl of chips that Elizabeth had set out for the guests who were due to arrive any minute.

"Next semester, at the earliest," Elizabeth replied, feeling a twinge of sadness. Jessica had been chosen for the Varsity cheer squad after a summer of complete dedication and hard work. Jess had never worked so hard for anything in her entire life, and it had all been ruined for her on the first day of school. A disastrous first performance had led to Jessica having a very embarrassing moment in front of the entire school. Jess had been very upset by all of this, but Elizabeth had cheered her up while she was in the hospital, and being hit by a car had actually made Jessica more popular than ever. Jessica was also very excited about Robin's visit, and she appreciated the chance to spend time with her cousin and sister.

"At least we finally get to spend some time with her," Steven said as he fluffed one of the couch pillows, "Even though she'll probably be expecting us to wait on her hand and foot." Elizabeth laughed along with him, but she also knew that he was fully serious. Jessica liked attention, and this was the perfect excuse for her to take advantage of a situation. It had been Jessica, in fact, who insisted that Elizabeth continue to plan Robin's welcoming party. Jessica would be on crutches for weeks, and she was going to be sleeping in the den until her cast came off, but she had insisted that a party for Robin was absolutely necessary.

Elizabeth had spent the entire afternoon cleaning the house. She had even tidied up Jessica's room so that Robin could sleep there. Elizabeth also set up a temporary bedroom in the den for Jessica, and Steven pitched in by hauling boxes of Jessica's possessions downstairs. "I've never seen Jess's room look so clean," Steven remarked as he packed up some of Jessica's bathroom necessities, "And yours is so...messy."

Elizabeth sighed as Steven went back downstairs. She though of all the reasons why she hadn't had time to clean her own room. In addition to recently starting high school, she had been hard at work repairing her relationship with Jessica. They had drifted apart over the summer, especially after Elizabeth had began dating Bruce Patman, a rich, popular, Sophomore. Elizabeth felt sad as she remembered how, only three days earlier, she had lost her virginity to Bruce. This had led to the twins having their worst fight ever. Jessica had left, and she had gotten lost as a terrible storm swept through Sweet Valley. Elizabeth still blamed herself for Jessica being hurt, but she quickly pushed that out of her head and prepared for what was sure to be an incredible party.

The doorbell rang, making Elizabeth jump. Steven answered it while Elizabeth ran downstairs and quickly set out a few bowls of chips on the food table. She had spent hours decorating the house, and she had spared no expense on the food, per Jessica's request. She had ordered twenty pizzas and made three different salads in addition to a variety of chips and pretzels, plus pigs in a blanket and baskets of steaming-hot garlic cheese bread. A four-tier cake sat on its own table beside all of this. Lila Fowler had donated it because, even though Jessica had been an embarrassment to her on the first day of school, Lila considered Jessica to be her best friend. Janet Howell, Lila's cousin and captain of the Varsity cheer squad, was first to arrive. She, too, had brought a gift for Jessica.

"Since we just won the regional competition, I'm in a forgiving mood," Janet announced as she strode confidently into the den. She grandly laid the gold medal she was carrying in the center of the gift table. "I decided that Jessica gets a medal, too," Janet explained, "I know she won't be cheering again anytime soon, lucky for me. But she is still a member of this squad." Janet forced an awkward smile and Elizabeth stifled a laugh.

"Janet takes everything so seriously," Elizabeth thought, trying hard not to stare at Janet's still-swollen nose. Jessica swore that it had been an accident, but Elizabeth secretly thought that Janet had deserved the embarrassment of being injured in front of the entire school. Luckily, more guests began to arrive and Elizabeth was spared from any further conversation with Janet.


Robin's mouth dropped open in awe as Mr. Wakefield pulled into the driveway of the split-level rambler that would be her home for the next several months. Cars lined the brightly-lit driveway, and much of the street beyond. Balloons, streamers, and lights covered everything in sights and music blared from the backyard over the sound of splashing in the pool. "Surprise!" Mr. Wakefield called, pulling Robin's large suitcase out of the trunk, "Welcome home!" Robin was blown away as she entered the house. Elizabeth ran up to her and hugged her hard while Steven helped Mr. Wakefield carry in the massive suitcase.

"You threw me a party?!" Robin shouted over the music. "Sweet Valley loves any excuse to celebrate," Elizabeth said with a smile, "Plus, Jess came home today." Elizabeth quickly led Robin into the den. Jessica and Mrs. Wakefield were seated on the sofa in the den, surrounded by friends. Jessica was in the middle of telling her side of the accident story to Winston Egbert, Ellen Riteman, Mandy Miller, Sarah Thomas, and Patrick Morris, but Jessica stopped midsentence when Robin entered the room. Jessica tried to stand up and run to Robin, but her mother quickly stopped her.

"Take it easy," Mrs. Wakefield reminded Jessica as Robin jumped onto the sofa beside her cousin. "Dr. John's orders," Elizabeth said with a smile, knowing all about Jessica's crush on the attractive young doctor. Jessica smiled back and hugged Robin as hard as she could. Jessica quickly introduced Robin to everyone and Winston could merely stare in awe. "Triplets!" Winston choked out after a long silence, pretending to die from happiness. Jessica and Robin laughed and ELizabeth soon joined in.

Robin looked over at her happy, smiling cousins and felt a twinge of sadness. Elizabeth and Jessica had everything- great parents, a nice home, and tons of friends. Robin held back tears as she was reminded of how she once had all of that, too...

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 8) - "It's My Party and I'll Ditch It If I Want To"

Happy Memorial Day weekend everybody!!! Sadly, this is one of the busiest retail weekends of the year, so I am being forced to spend much of it at work. Have fun for me, please!!! In honor of the parties I'm missing, I feel that today's recap is appropriate. It's time for the Wakefield's annual slumber party!!!

Like I said before, it's slumber party time!!!! Yay!!!! Liz is already hard at work planning the festivities...so far, all she has planned is a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Since this is Sweet Valley, you just know that's going to be super-lame regardless. Jess agrees with me that Liz is a sucky party planner, so she takes over as the "idea person" and basically makes Liz and Enid (oh, she's coming?!? Now I don't feel bad that those bitches forgot to invite me...) do all of the manual labor. Jess's main task is making sure that the party is perfectly set-up so that the football team can raid it. Sadly, they have to decline her offer because they have a road game...so Winston and Manny decide to seize the opportunity. They assemble a team of dorky nerds and devise a strategy. (Of course, it's super-nerdy lame and it's basically just them running into the house and assaulting the girls with water balloons.)

At school, Lila complains about how immature a sleepover is (hey now, I had a sleepover last week, Lila, and that attitude is exactly why I did not invite YOU!!!!) and Jess basically agrees, but it's a TRADITION (that I do not recall them ever having before or after this episode). Cheryl is super excited about the idea, and that's enough to make Lila change her mind. I guess she's still trying to gain Cheryl's friendship? The ugly new Bruce saunters up and asks Jess out on a date. (Yay!!!) The only problem- he wants her to be his dinner date (along with his cousin and said cousin's friends from Harvard!!!) the same night as the slumber party!!! Jess doesn't want to admit her lameness to Bruce, so she tries to lie and say she has cooler plans. Enid spoils this by running up and gushing about a box of -wait for it- DRESS UP CLOTHES that she's bringing to the party!!! Yes, DRESS UP!!!! (I will now admit that I STILL have my Barbie collection, but I gave up dress up when I was about 12... Despite my reading never really progressing beyond these SV books, I think Enid is just too over-the-top!!!!) Bruce is as unimpressed as I am, and I think Jess wants to slap Enid for being so stupid.

After school, Liz goes to the Moon Beach and bitches about how Jess is so not helping. Jess is sick of Liz acting like a slumber party Nazi, so she finally cracks and tells Liz that the party is a stupid, childish idea. Liz tells her to get over herself and grow up. (Wait, whose BFF is running around with the box of dress up clothes, Elizabeth?!?!) With Jess out of the picture, Liz and Enid go back to planning the lamest party ever. In addition to the classic Truth or Dare, Liz and Enid decide on charades, scary movies, a pillow fight (sweet!!!), roasting marshmallows, and board games!!!! (Hmmm...dinner with sexy rich Bruce vs. CandyLand with lame stupid whiny Eeny Rollins...I pick BRUCE!!!!!)

The night of the party arrives and Jess gets all sexied up in her little black dress. Liz is super sad that Jess is bailing on them, but she doesn't let that spoil her fun. MONTAGE! The nerds begin their plan of attack and the sleepover friends play a crazy game of Twister. Lila and Cheryl put foil all over Enid's head (I think she's getting highlights, but that is SO not the way to do them!!!! I went to cosmetology school, so this makes me shudder) and the nerds continue to fail with their raid. The girls play some charades and Enid is an absolute idiot. She keeps yelling out random, annoying shit and I begin to wonder why she doesn't go to a "special" school... This is super boring!!!! I wonder what Jess is doing...

Jess, meanwhile, is out with Bruce and his Harvard friends. Bruce's friends are all super smart, and they make fun of Jess for being...well, for being JESS, I guess. The worst part is that none of them can drink with their meal because Jess is under 21 and doesn't have a fake ID. Maybe they should have gone to Kelly's Roadhouse... Jess tries hard to fit in, but she just ends up making herself look stupid. Bruce doesn't help matters by announcing that Jess bailed on a slumber party to go to dinner. Kind of a dick move there, you damn Bruce impostor!!!! Everybody laughs at Jess and she wants to disappear.

Back in LameLand, the nerds continue to suck at raiding the party. They set off a smoke bomb, but it fails. Inside, their schemes go unnoticed and all the girls settle down to play some Truth or Dare. It's lame, just like I said, but Liz DOES admit that she would choose Mr. Collins if she had to be stranded on a deserted island with a teacher. (Seriously... 1) Ewww, and 2) Could they be any more unoriginal?!?!) Lila spices it up by asking Enid (of all people) how far she went with some guy... (Obviously, Li is referring to SEX!!!!) Enid is an idiot, so she responds with "To the mall..." Dumbass, but it's likely true!!!! Outside, Winston has become desperate to get inside the house. He raises a ladder and tries to enter through a second floor window, but the ladder falls and Win is forced to grab onto the balcony (????When did they build that????) and climb up. He tries to open the door, but it's locked from the inside and now Win is stuck!!!! Downstairs, nobody hears him screaming for help. Lila is bitching about how lame this is (and I am beginning to agree with her...I went to cooler parties in like 6th grade!!!!) and Cheryl is sick of it (because, you know, she never got to be a teenager what with all the modeling and traveling) so she dares Lila to run down the street to the mailbox- wearing only a towel!!!! Li is up for the challenge!!!!

Back to the cool kids, Bruce is also getting bored by his stuffy, boring Harvard friends. He whispers to Jess that he would like to leave and she readily agrees. They go back to Jess's and arrive right as the nerds are rushing in the front door to raid. Lila runs in as well and heads right upstairs. She sees Win on the balcony (in war paint for the raid) and screams in horror because he looks like a creeper. Somebody has taken Enid's Barry Manilow (who?) CDs... But nobody cares because Jess is raving about how fun and sophisticated her evening was. Bruce promptly busts her out, saying that he knows she had a terrible time. Jess is forced to admit the truth and apologize to Liz. Everybody starts dancing after that, and Enid and Manny dance together...

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*I thought MY weekends were boring!!!! Thank god I didn't grow up in Sweet Valley!!!!
*And Enid is totally that girl at the sleepover that falls asleep like 3 hours before everybody else and ends up with her bra frozen, or her hand in warm water, or the shaving cream/feather trick...

Next Time on SVH TV:
Bruce buys a fortune teller, Jess and Lila learn about Karma, and Todd is back to being an ass!!!! The best part- almost everything happens at the Moon Beach!!!!!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 7) - "A Fair To Remember"

In the midst of working a full week straight -plus babysitting after work!!!!- I finally have a spare moment and I have chosen to spend it recapping some quality TV for you...

It's winter in Sweet Valley...again. (Wait, the first day of school was only like 6 episodes ago!!!) SVH is holding their annual Winter Carnival, and Jess is drooling over this episode's love interest, Dave Porter. (Any relation to Julie?) Alas, Dave has been dating some ho named Claire for 2 years now, so it seems Jess is SOL. Poor Jess hasn't had a date in TWO DAYS!!!! OMG.

Sadly, the A-Plot and B-Plot are intertwined today. We cut to Todd after Liz scolds Jess for being a boyfriend-stealing whore. Todd is in good spirits (damn, I miss Bad Todd!!!) because he's now back on the basketball team!!! Unfortunately, Todd is only a bench player (for you non-sports people, bench player = not a star...), but the coach tells him to keep working on his game. Coach also introduces Todd to his new teammate (who just happens to be the coach's nephew). New dude is named Jason, BTW. Jason works fast!!!! He meets Liz right away and promptly hits on her. Todd is none-too-happy about this, and he's even angrier when he learns Jason is a starter on the basketball team!!!

As interesting as all of that is, we must now take the obligatory trip to LoserLand. Winston is reading a magic book and babbling about the show he's going to put on. (Last time I checked, high school kids weren't into magic shows!!!) Win is now WINDINI, master magician. (Speaking of magic, you know who's sexy as hell? David Blaine...) Oh, and Enid (eww) and Manny (yay!!!) are working at the Carnival too. They're running a cotton candy stand and Enid is an absolute idiot. She tries to make cotton candy and ends up with a large beehive-style mass of it on her stupid little head. Loser.

After the Carnival, Liz and Jess (plus Manny and Enid) go to the Moon Beach. Jess is all kinds of upset because she still has no date. Speaking of upset, Todd storms in and tries to warm Liz about Jason. Todd says he's a "total scammer" (wow, he's known dude for like 5 minutes and he's already talking shit...I like Bad Todd!!!!) and he warns Liz to stay away from Jason. (I wish I'd recapped this episode a few weeks ago on Friday the 13th, I could have made SO many Jason jokes!!!) Liz thinks that Todd is just being his usual jealous self, so she ignores him and goes out with Jason despite Todd's warning.

Liz has lots of fun with Jason on their date. He tells her how special and spontaneous she is (uh-huh, I think he's just trying to get in her pants) and they end the evening with a kiss. Todd is lurking in the bushes, and he jumps out waving a machete. He slices Jason up with the machete, but suddenly Jason's body magically regenerates itself... Oh wait, I think everything after the kiss was actually part of a Friday the 13th movie!!! Just seeing who's paying attention!!! (In actuality, the scene ends with the kiss.)

Back at the Winter Carnival sometime later, Jason is proving himself to be a major player. He's hitting on everything in a skirt, and Todd is observing all of this with his mouth curled in disgust. He does not approve, I guess. He shares his thoughts with Jason, and Jason simply laughs it off. (Play on, playa!!!!) As he saunters away, Jason drops his "little black book" (LOL, life before cell phones!!!!) and fails to notice.

Todd, however, does notice. He scoops up said LBB and shows it to Liz as proof of what a douche Jason is. Dude keeps track of how hot girls are using a star rating system (ie. Enid- 0 stars, Liz- 1 star, Jess- 50 million stars) and it totally reminds me of the movie 'Carrie 2: The Rage'. Dude, this could end VERY badly... But, much to Todd's shock and dismay, Liz doesn't seem to care.

Jess is still depressed over her lack of dates. She goes to the Moon Beach hoping to find Mr. Right and meets Jason for the first time. He introduces himself as Cliff and asks her out. She's desperate (and he's a PLAYER!!!!) so she agrees to a date on Friday night. Jason already has a date with Liz on Saturday, and he brags about all of this to Todd. Of course, Todd tells Liz but she refuses to believe him. Todd needs to stop Jason, so he tries to come up with a plan...

Todd's plan involves telling Jason that Jess wants to go out on Saturday night instead. He switches the dates, and we get a MONTAGE! We get to see Jason on his dates, and some random Enid and Manny, plus some of Win's stupid ass magic show.

After the weekend, Liz is still gushing over Jason. She thinks that Todd has been very rude and judgmental lately, and Jason is just what she needs to get over his mopey ass. She tells Jess all the boring details- like how Jason always brings her wild flowers- and asks Jess about her new guy. Jess gushes over how not-like-Jason Cliff is. He's not all sappy and romantic and shit, and NO flowers. (Because we all know Jess is the type of girl that doesn't expect such things. He probably takes her straight to Miller's Point...or maybe the beach.) Liz suggests that they double date sometime (I'm sure Jason/Cliff wouldn't mind that!!!) and Jess laughs in her face.

"Cliff" and Jess go out on their date and Liz sees them together. Of course, she's heartbroken. Jess figures the whole thing out when Jason brings her wild flowers. Oh shit!!!! Liz is livid when Jess gets home because she thinks that Jess knew the entire time. Todd barges in (without knocking...I'm pretty sure it's considered the polite thing to do when you arrive at your ex girlfriend's house. Plus, Todd is a THIEF, so I can't believe Liz still leaves that kitchen door unlocked for him...) Todd takes Jess's side (of course he does, I'm seeing SO much evidence pointing towards their future together) and says that Jess is a victim too, just like Liz. Wakefield twins got played, bottom line. Luckily, Todd still has Jason's book of girls AND a revenge plan!!!!

The revenge plan goes into effect at Winston's magic show. The crowd is huge, and there's an entire table full of pies (which NOBODY has offered to share with me...these kids have ZERO manners!!!). Winston gets Jason to volunteer to be part of the act, and he locks him in stocks. (Off with his head!!!! That'll learn him!!!!) While Jason is securely stocked (?), Liz and Jess pull out his Black Book and start to read from it. It seems like every girl in school is in said book, and they all join Liz and Jess on stage. (Shit, even fucking ENID is one of the girls...dude must be crawling with VD if he's sinking THAT low...) Every girl takes a turn slamming a pie into Jason's face, and suddenly the basketball coach shows up. Todd thinks Coach will stop the pie-ing, but he simply tells Todd that Liz called him and told him all about Jason's Black Book and slutty ways. Coach thinks it isn't cool, so he hands Todd a pie and tells him to take a shot!!! He also tells Todd that he may end up being a starter on the team after all.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Dating twins would be awesome, I won't lie!!!! Jason is a PIMP!!! I'm more than a little jealous.
*Winston will never be half as good as David Blaine. Actually, no man will(not even BRUCE)!!!!
*Speaking of Bruce, I feel like I haven't seen him in forever... He must be busy running the Moon Beach or something.
*A pie in the face is ALWAYS funny. Always.

Next Time on SVH TV:
Liz and Jess have a slumber party. Jess goes out with Bruce (!!!!) and the nerds get their revenge (sort of).

Friday, May 20, 2011

Good afternoon, World!!!!
It's Friday (Friday, gotta get down on Friday!!!) and I'm feeling lazy today so I probably won't get back to recapping SVH season 2 until after the weekend. Unless, of course, the world IS actually ending tomorrow. In which case, that will probably get me out of having to work all weekend, so then I'd have more free time... Of course, it wouldn't even matter because we'd all be gone!!!
And, BTW, I just looked at my blog stats and I noticed that I've reached 1200 page views!!! WOW. I never thought that anybody would read this!!!! I'm thrilled that people actually do, so thank you very much!!!!
Love Forever,

And PS- whoever Googled "Cock cheating wife husband 'very jealous'" and found my blog instead, I hope I was able to help!!! Or maybe not... Either way, you win the prize for Most Random.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 6) - "False Possessions"

Enid is REALLY stupid in this episode, so get ready to suffer along with me!!!! I bet I can make your suffering a little more fun, if nothing else!!!! :)

We open with Liz learning all about football. No, she's not joining Sweet Valley's Lingerie Football League team, she's writing an article for the Oracle. It seems to me that this is a rather broad subject...like, don't they have a SPORTS writer? Why would the editor/gossip columnist be writing this? I'm already confused. Luckily, Jess is there to explain how football works...sort of. She explains it using shopping comparisons, and I love her for that. Finally, football makes sense to me!!!! (Hey, I'm a basketball girl for life, no time for any other sports!!!! Although I did cheer for football when I was a freshman.) Jess informs Liz that Lila will be staying with them while her house is being fumigated. Lila arrives immediately after Jess says this, and she's come prepared. She has an entire set of Louis Vuitton luggage!!!!

Liz escapes the madness of Jess and Lila's slumber party by going to the Moon Beach with Enid. Enid whines in her annoying little squeak-voice about how she wants a boyfriend. Enid sees Todd sitting all by himself and she goes to annoy him. Liz doesn't follow, she's probably just appreciating the quiet. Enid talks to Todd about how she used to dance ballet until the teacher told her to stop. HAHAHA!!!! It's totally random and it makes no sense, but that was a pretty funny mental image nonetheless.

Back at Casa Wakefield, Lila has made herself very at home. She's already taken over Jess's bed, as well as the closet. Lila also seems to be a little jealous of Liz and Jess's relationship...you know, since her dad kinda sucks and she has nobody else. Awww.

Later, Enid asks Liz if Todd is free to date other people, since Liz is so obviously over him. She also asks Manny about it, and Manny believes that Enid is interested in him and he tells her to go ahead and ask the guy out, because chances are he's into her as well. I can already see where this is going...

Back to interesting people, Lila has returned from a shopping trip with loads of gifts for her reluctant hostesses. She then asks if she can stay until her house is done being painted. Wait- I thought it was FUMIGATED?!?! I think Lila is up to something!!!!

Enid goes and annoys Todd some more. He lets her, because he's in a good mood today. Apparently, he spoke to the basketball coach and he is being allowed to try out again!!!! They go out to celebrate.

While all of this crap is melting my brain, Jess and Li are shopping!!!! Jess is shocked to learn that Lila's newest activity is SHOPLIFTING!!!! OMG!!!! She pulls a Liz and starts to interrogate Li, and Li explains that she does it for the rush, and somehow this convinces Jess to join in. Back at home, Liz is suspicious when she sees all of Jess and Li's new stuff, but she has to go watch ESPN for her article so she lets it go.

Back in LameLand, Enid is avoiding Liz. She has plans with Todd, and Liz is quite upset when she finds out about this. Enid goes on her "date", totally thinking Todd is into her. They talk about their feelings, and Enid tells him that he should share more. Somehow, Enid takes this as an invitation to kiss him. She does this and feels like an absolute idiot when he tells he he was talking about LIZ -and not Enid's stupid ass!!!! (See, I knew I loved new Todd, even if he is turning into a pussy again!!!)

Back at the mall, Jess and Lila are continuing their shoplifting spree. They're very blatant about it, so it's no wonder that they get caught. Security interrogate them and Lila offers to pay for everything. Sadly, it's too late and security calls their parents. (LOL, like THAT accomplished anything!!! Lila's dad is probably out of the coutry, and I'm pretty sure Jess and Liz are the results of some cloning/test tube birth experiment...) Jess blames Lila for everything, and Li finally breaks down. Li was doing it all for attention, because her dad has been too busy with his new girlfriend to even notice Lila. Jess is shocked because she thought Lila's dad was away on business, and she quickly makes Lila feel better about things. I guess some of Liz's ability to solve a problem before the commercial break is genetic.

After seeing stupid Enid and Todd together, Liz goes home and cries about it. Enid finds her and sets her straight. Todd loves Liz, duh. Liz is still mad at Todd for his recent douchebag-ness, but she quickly forgives Enid and reassures her that there is someone out there for Enid. This comes true later that night after Enid goes home. Manny randomly shows up on her doorstep as she's getting ready for bed. He hugs her and runs away, and even I think Manny was sort of cute for that, even if it WAS Enid.

(Hey, whatever happened to the obligatory REVENGE scheme in every episode? And where was the MONTAGE? Did I miss something?) As punishment for their shoplifting, Jess and Li are forced to work at some place called Miss. Kitty's Corner. They are left alone with like a million screaming little bratty kids that tie them up and run wild.

****SarahLynn Says****
*Shoplifting is a crime, and crime doesn't pay!!!!
*Todd is slowly returning back to his normal self, gushing over Liz and everything. Damn, I had hoped he would keep up with the crazy!!!!
*Where's Bruce been lately? Ugly new actor or not, I miss him!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"A Fair To Remember"
It's winter already!!! And some dude dates BOTH Liz and Jess.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 5) - "IQ Commeth"

Yeah, I've gotten a little lazy with my Intros. Forgive me, it's absolutely beautiful outside and I need to quickly post those so I can play outside before the NBA Draft Lottery tonight!!!!
Today's second episode is about JESSICA!!!! She's a genius, and now EVERYBODY knows it!!!! She even gets a BANNER!!!! I love banners. I wish somebosy would make one for ME, but then again, I never do anything banner-worthy.

Our story starts at school. Everybody has just finished some super hard math exam and now they're all stressing about their results. Jess isn't worried about it, she's too busy stalking this episode's love interest, Jim Johnson.

As Jess walks down the hallway, the Principal stops her. She scored 162 on some college compatibility test, which is AMAZING!!!! The only other person who scored higher was some dude named Mortimer, and now he and Jess will represent SVH at the Big Academic Bowl. Top prize is $500!!!! Jess is surprised by all of this, but she sees the big flashy CONGRATS banner, and then Mortimer turns out to be hot, so she goes along with it. Plus, $500 will cover her latest accident with the Jeep. She drags Mort to the Moon Beach for a study session. I think she just wants to get in his pants, but he is oblivious. At the MB, Jess realizes that she knows NOTHING!!! I'm beginning to think her test results were a mistake.

Jess decides to impress Mort with a hot new dress, so she borrows some money - $200, to be exact (which is essential to the B-Plot)- from Liz. She is STILL positive that she and Mort will win the Academic Bowl, so she thinks she'll be able to pay Liz back with her winnings.

Eventually, the Principal figures out that Jess only scored 62 on the test, and thus she is STUPID!!!! Just like everyone else, I guess. Jess refuses to drop out of the Academic Bowl, and she devises a plan to help her win...

Jess enlists the help of Lila and they go to the Academic Bowl offices. They work their way into the head guy's office and search for the answer sheet so Jess can cheat. They prove how stupid they are by confusing dude's grocery list with the answer sheet!!! Seriously?!?!

The day of the Academic Bowl arrives and Jess dresses for the occasion. She even wears glasses. (And I am now totally reminded of the tragic events of the Degrassi season 4 episode where Spinner and Jay rigged the Academic Bowl and that Rick guy got humiliated. And then he returned with a GUN and shot Jimmy/aka- DRAKE!!!! That was TRAGIC, and my life hasn't been the same since. And Winston would totally be Rick, good thing he isn't competing.) Jess has the "answers" memorized, and she makes a complete ass out of herself. She ends up with the lowest score ever in the history of '90's TV show episodes featuring Academic Bowls. Mort thinks she's a complete idiot and he wants nothing to do with her, plus she now has no money to give to Liz...

Todd's friends continue to cause trouble for Liz. They bully people, especially Winston. Todd stands idly by and watches these morons as they steal Win's glasses and force him to give them money. Somehow, these guys talk Win into giving them $200. He doesn't have it, and he knows they're gonna kick his ass if he doesn't make with the cash, so Liz agrees to loan it to him until they can resolve this whole thing.

Liz demand to know why Todd won't help poor Win, but he's still being a badass so he ignores her. Instead, Cheryl teaches Win the art of boxing (in MONTAGE! form!!!!). Cheryl kicks ass!!!! I wish she was real so we could practice boxing together. I'd even let her borrow my rainbow gloves with the sparkles on them!!!! (Hey, I have small hands and only the kids' gloves fit!!!)

Eventually, the thugs come looking for their moneys. Win doesn't have it so he's forced to fight. (And I just noticed how they've added a lot more background voices into these new episodes...it's really annoying.) Lucky for Win, Todd is able to stop being a dick long enough to step in and stop his goons. Win refuses to let Todd stop the fight, and he promptly gets knocked out. Liz is now left to wonder whether or not this act means that the old Todd is back. I hope not.

****SarahLynn Says****
*Why did ever TV show of this era have to have an Academic Bowl episode? I was super disappointed when I got to high school and discovered that there was no such thing!!!! We had a trivia team, but there was never these big showy events with cash prizes or anything...

Next Time on SVH TV:
Liz learns about football, Lila lies, and Enid thinks Todd is into her. Unlikely!!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 4) - "Dark Side of the Moon Beach"

Todd Wilkins gone bad!!! Oh no!!!!

We begin today's episode in the Wakefield kitchen. Jess is digging in the fridge and complaining about how she hates food and water. Whatever, go to the Moon Beach already!!! Liz is sitting at the counter and looking all sad (she does this a lot lately). Before Todd dumped her ass, she ordered him a personalized Lakers jacket. She wants to give it to him anyways, since she can't return it. Jess stops her and begs her to let her have it instead. Jess delivers the hilarious line: "I'm sure one of these days I'll date a guy named Todd." If she only knew... Jess must be up to something here, because she suddenly starts babbling about how Liz needs to get over Todd's ass and get under someone else...

Jess apparently heard me earlier when I told her to go to the Moon Beach. She's sitting with Lila. Poor Lila has over-shopped (again *sigh*) and her father has now put her on a BUDGET!!!! (Yes, again.) Lila is understandably upset and she tries to bitch about it to Cheryl, but Cheryl isn't the type of person who spends a lot on clothing. Her outfit is from a "vintage" shop... And I imagine that, despite this, she must have a FEW haute couture items in her closet from all those years of modeling. You know she's just lying so Jess and Lila don't figure this out and start to "borrow".

Liz is now waiting for Todd to come and get his present. He shows up over an hour late. Liz bitches about it to Winston, and he tells her to try and be more understanding. Dude just needs his space. Of course, this concept is foreign to Liz, and she doesn't understand why Todd only wants to practice his basketball playing. She must not have been paying attention in the first episode. Todd obviously sucks at basketball, like bad enough to make him drop out of school!!!! No wonder he needs to practice instead of dealing with his meddling, obviously-not-over-him ex!!!! Liz is shocked to learn that Todd is having a party that night. He also had one the week before and was with some redhead. His friends thought that that whore was LIZ, WTF Todd?!?! Again? Liz decides that now is the time to get over Todd (no shit!!!) and she enlists Jess to help her date. Jess is well-prepared for this occasion. She has index cards with vitals on every guy at SVH, and they're organized into categories. She also makes a huge wall chart with sticky notes and photos!!!! Plus, she was kind enough to make a "LOSER" pile for Enid.

At school, Win learns that Todd has skipped class all week. (Ummm, duh, that's sort of what happens when you drop out of school!!!) He's shocked and starts to worry so he goes looking for Todd. He discovers that NOBODY has seen Todd lately, AND he even QUIT the basketball team!!!! Oh shit, Todd's lost it!!!!

Lila, meanwhile, is going crazy for bargains. She's even learned about the wonders of coupons!!! Scary stuff, I know.

Winston continues to search for Todd. He runs into Carl (!!!!yay, Carl!!!!) and Carl gives him this helpful info: "He went somewhere, with some guys". Thanks, Carl, remind me to call you next time I need an alibi!!! Win is super smart, and he tracks Todd down based off of Carl's tip. He finds Todd at school (it's nighttime...) and he's in the process of stealing a car!!! Todd and his crew get scared off easily, and Win runs up and gets inside the car. (Damn, I thought he learned his lesson about that in "Kidnapped"...) Wires are exposed, so Win now knows for sure that Todd has turned evil!!! (Maybe it was his doppleganger...)

Todd goes to the Moon Beach to lay low after his failed attempt at criminal activity. Win finds him and confronts him. Todd denies it, and he sort of threatens Win a little bit. I'm not Win's biggest fan, but I think he may be onto something here, Todd. Stealing = bad.

Liz is back into the dating scene. There's a MONTAGE! of her getting ready for a date. Jess, Lila, and even Enid's stupid ass all try new looks for her, and it's a lot like CLUELESS. Liz's date for the evening is named Scott, and my notes tell me that someone was wearing a stupid hat, but I forgot to write down who it was. The evening goes well, but then Jess pops up in a thought bubble, wearing a devil costume. She reminds Liz of the new rules for dating, and the fact that men like a woman who takes charge. Liz follows this advice and orders the meal. She is too busy being take-chargey that she fails to notice that Scott is ALLERGIC to what she ordered. Epic fail. Later, Liz returns to the same dining establishment with another guy, and this time Lila and Enid join Jess in her thought bubbles. This is enough to make Liz lose her mind!!!!

While all of this is going on, Lila is STILL obsessed with saving money. She starts buying stuff in bulk and going to -get this!!!- GARAGE SALES!!!!! She even steals sugar packets. Finally, Jess has had enough of Lila's embarrassing new habits. She locks Lila in a department store and forces her to shop. Mr. Fowler was fine with this, especially since Lila has discovered pawn shops and started to pawn his valuables. He realized that he actually SAVED money by not putting Li on a budget. If I had a dad, I would want him to be like Mr. F.!!!! Emotional neglect and all.

Liz goes on yet another date. This time, she goes to the Moon Beach and breaks Jess's stupid dating rules. her date orders burgers, and Win serves them half-eaten ones. Liz goes to complain and Win tells her that he needed to talk to her in secret. He tells her about Todd's newfound auto theft hobby and Liz is all OMG. As if on cue, Todd prances into the Moon Beach at that moment. He's wearing BLACK LEATHER, so you know he's gone for good. He acts like a complete ass (my notes say "Todd come in, bes a dick") and yells at Liz for being such a meddling bitch. He even picks a fight with the basketball team, wanting to kick all of their asses at once. (I'd put my money on Todd!!!! Dude's BAD!!!!) Todd grabs Win and shakes him for telling Liz what he did. Todd = angry, I got that!!!! He leaves in a rage, announcing his intentions to go and party. For once, I wish I was going with him.

****SarahLynn Says****
*New Todd is growing on me even more!!!! I like this guy. I think that, since my beloved Bruce has been replaced by an imposter, Todd is my new SVH crush.
*Lila sucks at being poor, we are all aware of this.
*Liz sucks at dating. I guess having the same boyfriend since you were like 7 and shit doesn't help matters much.

Next Time on SVH TV:
"IQ Cometh"
Jess is a genius? And more Todd being a badass!!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 3) - "Promotional Rescue"

I think I pretty much covered this at the end of my last post...

Surprise, surprise, Jess has crashed the Jeep yet again!!! As usual, she needs to come up with $200 to cover the repairs. Yet, she's at the Moon Beach, spending her parents' hard-earned money despite the fact that she eats like 6 meals a day at home, plus snacks. Win suggests that she quit with the gluttony and the bitching about her finances. Actually, he suggests she get a JOB (LOL!!!!), but I liked my version better.

Speaking of people spending money, Bruce's dad has recently bought him the Moon Beach. (Yay, Moon Beach!!! I like it even better now!!!) And thus, Bruce is now Win's BOSS!!!! Which means, Winston = Bruce's slave!!!! (No not THAT kind of slave...dirty, filthy-minded reader!!!!)

Sadly, we must now check in with the Other Side. Liz and Enid are in the billiards room. Enid is absolutely without a doubt the stupidest person on Earth. She thinks that the pool cue chalk is eyeshadow. Dumbass. Liz isn't listening to her incessant babblings, however, she's still moping over -you guessed it!!!- Todd. Cheryl is sick of this shit, so she devises a secret plan to help Liz get over it for good...

Back to Bruce!!!! Bruce is obsessed with turning the MB into a profit machine!!! Jess, also needing some profit, suggests a partnership. Jess wants to throw a bunch of themed parties at the MB, and Bruce agrees to pay her $50 per party. Jess's first action as partner is to suggest firing Winston, and Bruce agrees.

Damnit!!!! That was just getting interesting!!!! Now we're back to the Losers. They're riding in a convertible, and Enid is in the back, screaming like she's never ridden in a car before. I don't think I have ever been THAT excited in my life... You can totally tell Cheryl wants to punch her face in. Enid quits screaming long enough to pull out some car games. She has checkers!!!! And some other lame shit, but Cheryl isn't having it!!!! She tosses Enid's crap out the window, and I now want Cheryl to marry me!!!!

Back at the Moon Beach, Jess has hired Win's replacement. His name is Chad, and he's hot. Of course, he's also an idiot. He gives $25 change for a $10!!!! Jess is throwing a huge party at the MB TONIGHT!!!! This should be good...

NOOOO!!!! We're back to Liz/Cheryl/Eeny!!!! NOOOOO!!!! Enid even makes LIZ seem tolerable, damnit!!!! Cheryl's Big Secret Surprise Plan is camping at Devil's Canyon!!!! Wow, I was hoping for a spa weekend, or even a few days at a nice hotel... WTF, Cheryl/Tatyanna/Whoever the hell you want to be today?

Oh thank god, we're now back at the MB!!! I'm sorry to report that Jess's promo party is failing miserably. Jess was supposed to mail out the invites (damn, how long has Liz been gone?) but instead she put them in the recycling bin, thinking it was a mailbox. Easy enough mistake, I guess!!! Jess promises that next time it will be a million times better, and Bruce tells her that it HAS to be or else his dad is shutting down the MB!!!! Oh shit!!!! Bruce blames Jess for fucking everything up, and I think he's responsible for at least a LITTLE of the blame. He should have known what he was getting into when he hired Jess. Luckily, Jess seems to have like 6 other events planned that same day, and we get a MONTAGE! of this. There's a heavy metal pancake breakfast, and a creepy mime party. Of course, all are epic fails. Looks like the Moon Beach is fucked!!!!

Meanwhile, in the woods, Cheryl has "accidentally" pushed Enid off of a cliff...oh wait, wishful thinking!!!! Instead, Cheryl has built a fire and Liz is clutching a box containing all of Todd's stuff. Cheryl wants her to burn it (like in CLUELESS!!!!!), and Enid is STILL being annoying as hell. You can totally tell that Cheryl wants something really bad to happen to her, and even Liz is slightly annoyed. Liz is scared to burn all of the stuff because she isn't ready to forget Todd yet. (Probably because we still have like 2 1/2 seasons to go!!!!)

Flashing back to the MB yet again, Bruce is still failing. The place is empty as hell, and Jess is wondering why nobody showed up to the fondue party. Suddenly, a large crowd rushes in and demands burgers. They don't want fondue, so Jess and Bruce are SOL, and Jess suggests keeping the MB the way it was. Bruce agrees that it was perfect the way it used to be (like, yesterday!!!! or maybe the day before...) and he begs Jess to help him cook for the customers. Jess has had enough (and also made enough from her failed parties) and she quits, taking hottie Chad with her. Amazingly, we get ANOTHER MONTAGE! Two-for-one!!!! Hells yeah!!! Bruce is working his ass off, and he really sucks at it. The crowd starts to chant and Bruce screams in frustration.

At the camping spot, Enid is STILL babbling. SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! You contribute NOTHING!!!! And I am losing what remains of my sanity listening to you!!!! I wish YOU had been riding with Liz on Jungle Prom Night!!!! Everybody decides to go to sleep, and Liz falls asleep holding a picture of Todd.

I really should have done this episode "A-plot"/"B-plot" style. I hate switching back and forth, and these plots are seemingly parallel!!!! Back at the MB (again, *sigh*) Bruce is cleaning up his mess. Win comes in to collect his final check, and Bruce begs him to come back. And then something amazing happens- the YouTube glitches and skips forward to the very end. Hopefully I didn't miss anything important!!! It doesn't appear so, because the episode ends with everything being resolved somehow. Jess even manages to fix the Jeep, but she lets Chad drive it afterwards and he crashes it AGAIN!!!! I wonder how much Mr. W. pays for car insurance every month?

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce now owns the Moon Beach, and Winston.
*Liz is not over Todd.
*Jess has seriously bad luck with that damn Jeep!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Dark Side of the Moon Beach"...oh, how I LOVE that Moon Beach!!!! Todd shows just how much he's changed. Can anyone save him before it's too late? And Lila learns how to live like the rest of us.

Monday, May 16, 2011

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 2) - "Model Behavior"

It's the first day of school (again) in Sweet Valley!!!! And there's a new student... Plus, Black Carl (who is hereby known simply as "Carl", due to the name change of Crazy Carl in "Kidnapped") returns!!!!

Like I said, it's the first day of school at SVH. Liz is still all mopey over Todd's recent personality transplant, and Jess is getting sick of her whining 24/7. Lila runs up and announces that SVH has a new student, and she's -wait for it- A SUPERMODEL!!!!! Her name is Tatyanna Thomas, and she's really pretty. Even I think she's hot!!!!

The new Bruce (and his super weird posture...) saunter right up to Tatyanna and hits on her. She rejects him and acts really bitchy towards everybody. Nobody realizes how bitchy she's being, they just keep gawking at her and worshiping the ground her Jimmy Choos walk on. Seriously, girl just wants to be NORMAL and they're all treating her like some sort of freak show. Winston even goes so far as to snap pics of her as she tries to walk to class. CARL is also there (and I hope against hope that the writers do NOT make them a couple based solely on the fact that they have similar skin tones, but I can already see it coming) and even he's joining the effort to alienate this poor girl. Rumors are already flying around about how hot and sophisticated Tatyanna is. Seriously, this girl arrived like 30 seconds ago and she's all anybody can talk about. It's sad. Tatyanna proves right away that she isn't just a pretty face, she's also BRILLIANT!!!! She even corrects LIZ in class...WOW!!!! I like her!!!!

Tatyanna caps off her horrible day by visiting -where else?- the MOON BEACH!!!! (Yay, Moon Beach!!! Oh, how I have missed you and your neon awesomeness!!!!) Everybody continues to stare at her and she ignores all of them. Todd is in the backroom, brooding over the newly-installed pool tables. Tatyanna asks him to play a game with her (since he's the only one who has failed to acknowledge her existence) and he accepts. They have a nice, normal talk, and Tatyanna enjoys herself. She even lets Todd run her lucky charm (in a non-sexual way, of course). As is typical, Liz walks in right in the midst of all this, makes an incorrect assumption, and leaves quickly. Jess and Lila stay behind and follw Tatyanna around like a couple of creepers. She makes it very clear that she has nothing to say to them and that she is NOT going to be their new BFF.

Jess and Li go home dejected and bitch about how much they hate Tatyanna. Liz joins them and eats an entire tub of licorice (ewww). Liz tries to defend Tatyanna, but Jess informs her that Tatyanna was all over Todd after Liz left. (Of course, it wasn't really like that, but Liz is still making stupid assumptions so she believes it.) Jess and Lila decide to do some "research" on Tatyanna in back issues of Seventeen magazine. (Two episodes in a row!!!! Seventeen must have paid BIG money for that!!!!) They discover that, whenever Tatyanna's place of birth is mentioned, it's different in every article!!!! WTF??? Luckily, Lila has a friend who knows Tatyanna and is willing to give them some info...

At school, Win continues to stalk Tatyanna, and Liz is still worrying about Tatyanna and Todd. (I'm not so sure it's TATYANNA that you should be worried about, Lizzie.) Mr. Collins doesn't help the situation when he suggests that Liz interview Tatyanna for the Oracle. (Damn, even the teachers are on this girl!!!!) Liz has her doubts, but Mr. Collins gives HER a shoulder-pat and Liz agrees to give it a try. Of course, Tatyanna is trying to be NORMAL and the last thing she wants is a cover story for the Oracle, so she refuses to let Liz interview her. All this time, Winston and Manny are STILL stalking Tatyanna. Winston is determined to get a pic of her, and he makes Manny pose for practice photos. It's...bizarre, and he tells Manny to "look sexy". Okay then.

Jess and Lila have finally received their info on the REAL Tatyanna. They corner the poor girl in the bathroom and basically wave it in her face just because they can. Seriously, I really feel bad for this girl!!!! No wonder she likes hanging out with Todd, he's the only person who doesn't treat her like she's a freak. Tatyanna tells them to fuck off and she storms out of the bathroom. Win snaps a pic as she opens the door...what an asshole!!!! Tatyanna is awesome- she breaks Win's film!!!! Jess and Lila come out ready for revenge!!!! (Although I'm still not fully clear as to why they are doing this...what are they going to gain from this?) It seems that Tatyanna was born in Arkansas and her real name is Cheryl. (OMG, Cheryl Thomas? As in, the girl who dated Steven and then they broke up because he was white or something equally closed-minded? Easy Annie's stepsister?) And -guess what!!!!- Cheryl/Tatyanna doesn't give a shit that her "secret" is exposed!!!! She just wants to live a normal life!!!! She's sick of all this attention and people treating her like her shit doesn't stink!!!! She proceeds to clarify this for Jess and Li before running off. Liz shakes her finger at Jess and Li and follows Tatyanna/Cheryl. She asks why Tatyanna is so upset. (Ummm, duh, Liz!!!! Obviously Liz isn't paying attention today!!!!) Tatyanna/Cheryl explains everything to Liz real slowly, and also tells her that she really was NOT interested in Todd. She just wanted a friend, like a REAL friend. She tells Liz that she understands why she was upset, and that Todd is a great guy- but SO not her type. She decides to give friendship a try with Liz, and even agrees to do the stupid Oracle interview!!! The episode ends with her telling Liz to call her "Cheryl".

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*I'm sure Cheryl/Tatyanna will get over Jess and Lila's bitchiness and be their friend by the next episode.
*Whatever happened to Nicholas Morrow? And Koichi? I liked those guys.
*I still hate the new Bruce, but the new Todd is kind of growing on me.
*Cheryl is really, really pretty, but that does NOT make it okay to STALK her...Winston, I am speaking to YOU!!!!
*I don't think Enid was in this episode at all. I liked that.

Next Time on SVH TV:
Jess wrecks the Jeep (again), Bruce buys the Moon Beach, and Liz goes camping with Enid.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 1) - "Summer Lovin"

Well, we survived season one!!!! Apparently, despite season one's timeline ending somewhere around October, we have now arrived at September yet again. Summer is winding down, and the new school year promises to be full of change and new beginnings. There's even a new theme song!!!! (No, not the song itself, just new shots of the characters...and a NEW BRUCE.) I'm not so sure how I feel about this Bruce replacement, but I guess I have to deal with it because the episode is starting...

The episode begins with a bunch of people frolicking on the beach. It's the '90's, so there's an abundance of NEON!!!! And those terribly high-waisted, high-cut bikinis are scaring me!!!! Liz is leading some sort of beach cleanup while wearing a bikini that looks like something my grandmother (rest her soul) would wear. I watched this episode last week, and I'm going off notes here. My actual notes say: "Gramma bikini, UGLY, with a skirt for the bottoms", but yet I failed to describe the pattern, so I apologize. She's also changed her hair, and I kind of like what she did with her bangs. Jess is also there, and she's trying to force Liz into having some fun. I did think Jess's bikini was important enough to describe, apparently. It's a red and white gingham print with shorts for the bottom. I remember when those style bottoms were popular, I had like 12 different halter top/shirts bathing suits!!!! Those were awesome, but I prefer monokinis these days. Anyways, Jess is trying to convince Liz to be on her team for the Beach Olympics. Liz isn't as excited as Jess, because Bruce always wins and she and Jess always get 10th place.

I really am having trouble accepting this New Bruce. He's not half as hot as last season's B-Patz!!!! *Sigh*

Liz takes a break from her beach cleaning and reads an issue of Seventeen with Enid. (NOOOO!!!) I really can't picture Liz reading that trash -let alone taking a LOVE QUIZ- so I'm going to guess that Seventeen is the newest sponsor of this fine show. Welcome aboard, Seventeen!!! Winston comes running up to them, practically about to explode with happiness, and announces that Todd is back!!!! Liz didn't even know he was coming (he forgot to call...uh-oh) and she's shocked when he shows up to the beach party.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila are drooling over the "hot" new lifeguard, Josh. Joshy-Boy just so happens to be the judge of the Beach Olympics, so Jess and Li are working their magic. "Bruce" pops up and tells Jess that she'll be losing the Beach Olympics (which I REALLY wish I could abbreviate, but "B.O."...no). Bruce is kind of flirting with Jess, and she's kind of flirting back. I wonder what this season has in store...

The Beach Olympics begin, and we get the first MONTAGE! of season two!!!! Jess helps her team win by cheating, and she seems oddly obsessed with what Bruce is doing. I wish they would just hurry up and makeout. In the midst of the Beach Olympics, Todd and Liz find time to talk. (Todd also has a new hairstyle, and he's still ugly.) Todd is moving back to Sweet Valley!!!! But he won't tell Liz why, and she thinks he's acting shady.

Bruce and Jess continue to bicker re. the Beach Olympics. (Yes, I said "bicker"!!!!) There's an obstacle course event coming up, and Bruce is sure he's going to win. Lila comes in and yells at Jess because she got sunburned using Jess's sunblock, which was only SPF 2. None of that was really necessary to the story, but the next few minutes are really lame, so I was just trying to spice up this recap with a little gratuitous Bruce and Lila action.

Now on to the lameness...Liz is back to hanging out with Enid. Stupid Eeny is bubbling in her annoying little voice about how nice it must be to have a boyfriend, and how she wants one (what happened to the Teen HelpLine guy?) and I really wish I could punch her for being such a squeaky little pest. Liz whines about how weird Todd has been acting lately, and how he's changed. In the midst of all this, Winston and Manny are sitting together. Manny appears to have some weird vision problems in this episode because everything gets all fuzzy and changes into random stuff...this time, the world becomes Gilligan's Island. I have no idea what they were trying to do here...doesn't make sense at all.

Moving on, Jess cheats her way to Beach Olympics victory, but her happiness is short-lived. Josh the lifeguard knows that both she and Bruce cheated, so he declares them both losers. Karma is a bitch, I guess. Liz is still moping about Todd, so she goes and tries to talk to him. She finds out that he only came back to Sweet Valley because he got kicked out of Fairmont Academy. What? Why? When? DETAILS!!!!! Sadly, that's all we get, except for the fact that Todd is now a high school dropout. Oh shit!!!!

Back at the beach party, Josh the lifeguard is giving Lila a foot rub. Ummm...okay, if you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Jess and Bruce are sitting by the bonfire and STILL fighting. Jess suddenly kisses him and they're both taken aback by it. Jess quickly says that it will never happen again, because she hates him. Ok then, thanks for saving me from that foot rub nastiness!!!

Liz and Todd are STILL talking. Todd is upset that he blew his chance. And, since he's no longer Todd the basketball superstar, he has no idea who he is or what he's doing with his life. (Dude, you're like 17...talk to me when you're 25.) Liz tries to understand what he's going through, but he isn't up for dealing with her meddling efforts, so he dumps her ass!!!! Sweet!!!! I bet she wishes she'd hooked up with Nicholas while he was gone. Liz joins Jess beside the fire and the two share a sisterly moment. Together, they can conquer the world AND the new school year!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce and Jess have some repressed sexual tensions between them...
*Todd came back. He's a loser now.
*Enid still pisses me off, and I think this episode was trying to tell me that Manny may be interested in her. I have no clue why he would be.
*I hate the new Bruce. Where did the old one go?
*Why did Todd get kicked out of school? My guess is that it was because he actually sucked at basketball, and nobody noticed because everybody in Sweet Valley sucked as well, but when he got to Vermont it became obvious...

Friday, May 13, 2011

SVH #3 - Playing With Fire

Finally, a book worth reading!!! Jess hooks up with Bruce, so there's lots of hot Bruce action in this one. I'm sure that this will be the best book ever...

I swear my aunt had that exact same short-sleeved fuzzy pink sweater that Jess is wearing. And she had the exact same hair style too, PLUS she's a twin!!! Bruce kind of looks like Edward Cullen here, and I think he may be trying to strangle Jess. I like his sweater-over-the-shoulders type of style, very '80's prep. It really works for him, even if that feminine nose and mouth thing he has going on doesn't. I always pictured Bruce sexier than that...like more Zac Efron-esque.

We begin with a Dance Contest!!!! Jess, sadly, is forced to dance with Win as a result of her being crowned queen in book #2. Jess would much rather be dancing with Bruce, and everybody knows it. The Droids are on stage (3 books, 3 performances!!!) and some creepy old guy is standing in the corner and watching. (And by "old", I mean he's in his early 20's.) He's rocking some leather pants and an unbuttoned white shirt. Classy. Jess wonders who he is, but tubby Robin Wilson (aka- SVH's obligatory fatass) waddles up and distracts her from her thoughts. Winston sucks at dancing and Jess is in danger of LOSING, so Jess takes advantage of Robin's presence by making her dance with Win after Bruce asks if he can cut in. Jess and Bruce dance wonderfully, and everybody else just gives up because they're just that awesome. They're a million times better than everybody else on the planet, so they win easily. They celebrate their victory with a slow dance and Jess tries to lead. Bruce refuses to let her and she realizes that Bruce usually goes for the more submissive girls (ie. Amy Sutton...) so she gives in and lets him take control. They continue to dance even after the Droids quit playing.
Liz talks to Emily Mayer after the Droids' set (Emily is the drummer with the cop uncle) and finds out more about the creeper guy in the corner. His name is Tony Conover and he's a big-time manager. The Droids are going BIG TIME!!!! (Uh-huh, with a name like "CONover", that guy is sure to be a winner...NOT!!!!) Liz invites Emily to the afterparty at Ken's house, and Jess finally quits dancing long enoough to inform Winston that she is going to said afterparty with Bruce. Win is depressed and Jess solves 2 problems at once by pushing poor Robin on him again. She tells the poor fat girl that Win is totally into her, and Robin takes the bait. Liz watches the whole scene unfold with a disapproving look on her face. She hopes that Jess knows what Bruce is like and that he won't hurt her too badly.

Ken's party sounds awesome!!!! He lives on a lake and Lila is his date, so you know dude's got a little swag!!! Everybody decides to go swimming and Jess puts on her sluttiest red bikini. She and Bruce swim away from the group and makeout while treading water. Bruce unties her top (HOT!!!! I totally remember being all "OMG!!!!" when I read this at age 8!!!!) and Jess is slightly embarassed. She quickly reties it and suggests to Bruce that they go somewhere more private. He leads her into the woods and Liz watches them with disapproval. She follows them (No comment!!!!) and finds them rolling in some leaves. She tries to pull Jess away, but Jess is into it so she just waves Liz away. Jess does try to slow Bruce down a little bit by saying that Todd is cheating on Liz and that's why Liz is being so annoying. Bruce doesn't give a shit, so Jess just gives in and stays out all night doing god-knows-what...

Of course, Liz covers for Jess at home, but she still lectures Jess when she sneaks in around dawn. Liz tries to warn Jess that Bruce is very controlling and manipulative, but Jess really doesn't care. Even her parents are impressed that she's dating Bruce, so Liz is basically SOL on that argument. Liz gets out her frustration by writing a series of articles for the Oracle. She's covering the Droids and their rise to superstardom. Jess, on the other hand, spends the day skipping class and making out with Bruce. He even gives her a fake doctor's note so she won't get in trouble. Awesome!!! I wish I had a few of those...

That afternoon, Liz sits at home and works on her articles some more. Robin Wilson shows up and is disappointed that Jess forgot about their shopping date. Liz shakes her head and pities the poor girl, knowing full well that Jess hates Robin and will never keep a promise...which may or not be important in book #4.

Jess plays tennis with Bruce. She's a far superior player, and he hates losing to a girl. She throws the game on purpose so he's doesn't get mad and break up with her. I guess this is trying to show us that Jess will do anything to keep Bruce happy...or something. Jess completely blows off studying for some big test to play a few more matches with Bruce. But don't worry- she has a "study plan"...Emily Mayer sits next to her and her handwriting is big, so Jess is easily able to cheat her way through class.

Meanwhile, Liz works on her stupid Droids articles and attends a band practice. The Droids are fighting about everything from what songs to play to what to wear on stage, and they've been practicing nonstop since meeting Tony. Emily has been so busy with the band that she has totally forgotten to study!!!! So, in other words, Jess is SCREWED!!!! Jess (and Emily) both fail and have to take a re-test. Jess cries to Bruce and he promises to help her cheat...

Back in LizLand, Winston is moping around the Oracle office. Liz knows he's upset about Jess dating Bruce, so she suggests that he come to the Droids concert (it's at some big club!!!) with her and Todd. Liz also invited Robin Wilson out of pity, and Win is not too happy about that. People who eat all the time make him nervous. (Asshole!!!! Not all fat people eat 24/7...Just look at Jess's eating habits!!!! Or, for that matter, MINE!!!! I wear a size 0 or 1 and I eat like 12 times a day. In fact, I'm eating right now!!!)

The following evening, Jess return home from a Saturday shopping spree with LOTS of new clothes. Sadly, everything is very professional-looking and super preppy. Bruce picked it all out, and it's really more Liz's style. Jess is excited because Bruce is happy, so she immediately switches up her dresscode and even gives Liz some slutty stuff to wear to the Droids' concert that evening.

Liz and co. arrive at the club and are shocked to see that their "big club gig" is in a very dilapidated shack-like place that totally sucks!!! There's not even a VIP section or bottle service, and only like 10 people showed up. Everybody has a horrible time, and Win bitches about being setup with Robin, so Liz calls it a night after the first set. On the way back to SV, Liz drives by Bruce's (empty) car near the beach. Robin starts to gush about how cute Jess and Bruce are, and Win pouts some more. Todd doesn't help matters much by informing Liz that Bruce is bragging about how he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants it from Jess. Liz wants to put a stop to their relationship, but she decides that there's no stopping Jess when she's determined to do something.

Liz goes back to immersing herself in her articles. She sits in some guy named Guy's basement (which is full of cigarette smoke, oh no!!!!) and listens to the Droids brag about their other, more successful gigs that she didn't bother to show up to. Two weeks pass and Jess continues to ignore her warnings about Bruce. Jess begins to skip classes AND cheer practice, and she ends up quitting the squad because Bruce hates cheerleaders. Cara Walker tries to talk some sense into Jess, telling her that Bruce did the exact same shit to her, but Jess refuses to listen, even when Bruce cancels dates and forgets to call for days on end.

The days turn to weeks, and Jess patiently waits for Bruce to pay attention to her. She even convinces Robin to "help" her cook a special meal for Bruce because he's such a great BF. Robin's new fixation is joining PBA, so she agrees to do this as long as Jess nominates her for membership. (Yeah, right, like that will happen...) Jess even manages to tricking Robin into "helping" her babysit Mr. Collins' son, Teddy (AKA- SAM!!! He's 6 in this book, which still makes him younger than the 19 years he claimed in SVC...maybe Mr. C. has TWO sons...) in case Bruce calls and wants to go out. He finally does call, and Jess leaves poor pathetic Robin alone in her house with Teddy. Bruce promised Jess a nice evening out, but instead he takes her to the beach. She begins to wonder why he never brings her anywhere else... Bruce further angers Jess by telling her that he has to cancel yet another date because his grandmother is in town and he needs to keep her company. But, he tells her that her teacher keeps a copy of the answers to the re-test and basically gives her a step-by-step plan for stealing it, so Jess forgives him for the broken date...

Jess convinces Robin to steal the test as part of her PBA "initiation", and Robin does as told. She slips the test into Emily Mayer's locker and basically blackmails Emily into doing the cheating for her. Meanwhile, Liz is working on her gossip column and she discovers that Bruce is lying to Jess. When he claimed to be busy with his grandmother, he was actually out racing rally cars. And, worst of all, he was with some other girl!!!!! OH SNAP!!!!

Liz tries to tell Jess about this, but Jess is still not hearing it. Liz gives up and goes back to working on her Droids article. The band keeps fighting and Dana Larson admits that Tony has been calling HER -and ONLY her- with all the important details. This is causing a lot of tension, and I wish they would hurry up and fix their lame little band so I can go back to reading about Bruce. He's probably shirtless on the beach right now!!!! Damn you, book!!!! The tension finally causes Emily to snap, and she admits to Liz that she cheated on the re-test. She's kind enough not to implicate Jess, but Liz still suggests that Emily talk to the teacher about this shit. Jess is pissed when she gets her test back and receives an F. She tries to blame Emily for cheating wrong, but Emily isn't about to deal with that shit. She admits that she told the teacher about cheating, but she did not tell on Jess. Jess just sucks at cheating!!!! Bruce is unsympathetic and he tells Jess to stop bitching about it.

Bruce promises Jess a romantic dinner at the country club to celebrate his birthday. BRUCE IS TURNING 18!!!! (And SarahLynn is now phoning airlines and trying to get an express flight to Sweet Valley!!! Bruce is legal!!!!) Of course, Bruce breaks his promise and throws a huge party at the country club. He claims it was a surprise party- FOR JESS!!!! Riiight... She's PISSED!!!! He promises her that they can be alone after the festivities, and he throws the SIX birthday gifts she bought him into the backseat without even bothering to open them. (Wonder what's inside? My guess- a Swatch, a Michael Jackson cassette, a Star Wars VHS...?) Bruce promptly ditches Jess as soon as they get to the party and Jess pretends like it doesn't bother her. At this time, it's revealed that the Droids are playing this function and NOT becoming superstars. I was right about Tony Con-over!!!! He was on some bullshit and not legit. He was only pretending that he could make them famous so Dana would like him. What. A. Loser. Dude, Dana = HIGH SCHOOL GIRL!!!! Damn creepers!!! Either way, everything is back to normal and the Droids are BFFs again. Bruce finally gets around to dancing with Jess...ONE song!!! She's really upset and in need of that "alone time" he promised, but he announces after the dance that the party is moving to Guido's.

At the pizza parlor, Bruce goes right back to ignoring Jess. Suddenly, his grandmother gets sick and he has to leave. Liz and Todd drag Jess home and Liz has a sneaking suspicion about Bruce. Liz pretends to have forgotten her wallet and Todd obediently returns to Guido's just in time for Jess to see Bruce has returned. And he has some bitch with him!!!! Oh hell no!!! Jess sees her man all over that redheaded slut and she loses it!!! She throws that nasty, greasy Guido's pizza right into Bruce's face without a moment's hesitation. She then proceeds to dump an entire pitcher of soda over his head, causing him to stumble blindly out of his chair and fall into the decorative waterfall that just so happened to be next to his chair. Everybody laughs at Bruce, even me!!! He kind of deserved that for cheating on my girl Jess!!! Jess throws salt into the wound by publicly dumping Bruce and asking Winston if he wants to go on a date with her. He readily agrees and then go off into the night, with Jess deflating all four of Bruce's tires as she leaves.

Liz and Todd stay behind and watch Bruce slink out the door. Robin Wilson joins them and gushes about how Jess is awesome and how Jess is going to get her into PBA. Liz knows it's bullshit, and she pities Robin for being so gullible. She actually likes Robin, so she swears to herself that, if Jess doesn't keep her promise, she will get Robin into PBA herself!!!! I KNEW that was a setup for book #4, I just knew it!!! Sadly, my edition ends here and I now have to locate the elusive book #4...

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Cheater or not, Bruce is still hot. And he's LEGAL now!!!!
*Robin Wilson is annoying, and it has nothing to do with her being overweight. She's just annoying!!!!
*Speaking of annoying, Enid was mysteriously absent from this book. And I am NOT complaining!!!!
*The Droids are not going to be famous, EVER!!!! They're not even fun to read about...but they smoke cigarettes, so I would probably be hanging out with them if I lived in SV...

SVH #2 - Secrets

This one will be the shortest one to date, I imagine. I hate Enid, and this book is about her. *Sigh* #3 is better, because that's the one where Jess dates Bruce. I wish I was dating Bruce, then he could pay somebody to write this recap for me and I wouldn't have to be so annoyed by Enid.

I apologize for the poor image quality. I do not own a real copy of this book, so I had to use what was available to me. As you can see, Jess is the one holding the phone and looking all shifty-eyed. Liz is in the background, mouth agape. She's either giving Jess a lecture or pretending to be a blowup doll. She has that facial expression down!!! Again, Jess looks to be about 10 to 15 pounds heavier than Liz. Must be all the makeup...

Our story begins right where book #1 concluded. Jess is complaining to Cara Walker that her hair is ruined from getting thrown into the pool. She has a date with Tom McKay (good luck with that...) and of course Jessica is feeling absolutely hideous. The writer quickly sets things straight. Jessica = absolutely fucking perfect, Elizabeth = ditto. Gorgeous or not, Jess hopes that Bruce was not a witness to her humiliation. In two weeks, there's yet another Big Dance (the Fall Dance!!!) and Bruce is FOR SURE going to be king!!!! Jess wants to be queen because she's in love with Bruce. (What girl ISN'T in love with Bruce?!?! Too bad he's MINE, bitches!!!!)

Down the hall, Liz and Enid are having a sleepover. Liz invited Enid over to cheer her up because Enid has been all mopey and shit lately. Liz (and you and I) are about to find out why...

FLASHBACK!!!!! Two years earlier (1981, by my count)-
Enid's Big Secret is that she used to do drugs and drink alcohol. OMG...NOT!!! She dated an older guy named George Warren and they liked to party together. During one of their wild nights of debauchery, George drove drunk and hit a little boy with his car. They didn't kill him and they were minors, so the courts went easy on them. They escaped with only 6 months of probation and mandatory drug counseling sessions...

George was sent away to boarding school, but he's turned his life totally around and is now graduating early. Enid knows all of this because they write letters to each other, and now she's totally freaking out because George is coming to visit. She's afraid to tell Ronnie about this because of the way he reacted to Jess's "date" with that badass Rick Andover in book #1. Ronnie = judgmental asshole, even worse than LIZ!!! Ronnie has no idea about Enid's past, obviously, and Enid is worried that George will show up and ruin everything. Liz promises not to tell Ronnie anything, but she thinks Enid should tell him eventually. Enid agrees to, but she wants to wait a little longer. She decides to sleep on it, and she quickly falls asleep, dropping George's latest letter on the floor as she dozes off to Sleepyland.

On Monday, Jess sits in French class and watches all of the boys drool over their hott teacher, Ms. Dalton. Ken Matthews is especially enamored by the attractive young teacher, and he gets a lot of shit about it from his fellow classmates. Ms. D. has been tutoring Ken after school, and everybody is very jealous of that fact. Lila, however, is unimpressed. (Love you, Li!!!) Ms. D. has been dating her father, and the fact that everybody thinks Ken is doing Ms. D. on the side is also getting to her. Lila and Ken are going to the Big Dance together, and she's not about to lose her dad AND her (potential) boyfriend to that slutty French whore!!! Lila laughs when Jess brings up the Ken/Ms. D. rumors, and they get into a conversation about how "ancient" Ms. D. is. (She's 25...just like yours truly!!!!) Jess says that she's almost "old enough to be Ken's mom", and I almost want to hate her for that. No, actually I DO hate her for that!!!! Ouch, way to alienate the reader.

Jess spends the rest of her day thinking about "superstar-handsome Bruce" (me too!!!), and she becomes even more desperate to be queen. (*sigh* this again?!?!) Ronnie (Enid's BF) is on the dance committee, and Jess thinks that he will be able to influence people to vote for her. Then she remembers that Ronnie is dating Enid, so he will probably be pushing for ENID to win...trust me, this thought will come into play later. Suddenly, Bruce appears (saving me from having to think about Enid) and Jess chases after him as he climbs the stairs with the "loose-limbed grace of a young lion". SEXY!!!! I can see that... Jess catches him and asks him to help her look for her lost lavalier. She whines about how expensive it is and how her parents spent their entire savings on it (like THAT will win you any sympathy, Jess...just wear some booty shorts and a bikini if you want Bruce's attention), but Bruce really doesn't give a shit. He disses her and continues on his way. Winston rushes in to help, but now it's Jess's turn to be the diss-er. She stomps away, leaving Winston to crawl around on his knees in search of a necklace that is not even actually lost.

Jess goes home, ready to cry on Liz's shoulder. Sadly, Liz is out with Enid and only Mrs. W. is around. Jess cries to her mother about how Liz sucks for always hanging out with stupid Enid and Mrs. W. tells her that she's obviously jealous. Apparently, Jess was friends with Enid before Enid even met Liz. Jess brought her home one day and Liz stole her!!!! (Ummm...according to book #1, Liz and Enid became friends in a creative writing class the year before...) Jess is SO not jealous, she just hates stupid Enid, but Mrs. W. just had to go and be a bitch about it. Jess runs upstairs and cries on Liz's bed. (Jess prefers Liz's room to her own because Liz's room is spotless and Jess's room has ugly brown walls and stuff from K-Mart everywhere...yeah, that's what the book said.) As Jess cries, she spots Enid's letter from George on the floor. She picks it up and reads it...

George is a very thorough letter writer. He write enough crap about the accident and Enid's partying days in his letter that Jess is easily able to piece together Enid's Big Secret. George even mentions that they were all hopped up on something called "bennies". (It's an old school stimulant.) Jess decides that she can use this intel to her advantage. If she gets Ronnie mad enough to break up with Enid, Jess will easily be able to talk Ronnie into getting her some queen votes. (Again, I fail to see her logic...) Jess makes a copy of the letter.

The following day, Liz/Todd and Enid/Ronnie are double dating. Ronnie is acting super weird and even more jealous than usual. He scares me!!! He cuts their date short and starts to drive Enid home. On the way, they discuss the rumor about Ken and Ms. D. Again, Ronnie believes the worst and acts like a judgemental ass. Ronnie holds Enid tightly -too tight- and tells her that he knows all about her wild days...and GEORGE!!!! Enid is pissed at Liz (only Liz knew, so Enid is sure that she told Ronnie), and Ronnie quickly dumps Enid's cheating, bennie-popping ass. Enid goes home and, when Liz tries to phone to ask why they left so quickly, Enid hangs up on her. Liz cries and wonders who could do such a horrible (or, IMO, horribly AWESOME) thing.

Meanwhile, in celebration of her secretly delivering the letter to Ronnie, Jess is enjoying some red wine at a party hosted by LILA!!!! (Hell yeah, a party AND a dance all in the same book!!!) Rumor has it that Bruce will be showing up, so Jess is all slutted up and ready to pounce. The Droids are performing live, and Dana Larson is looking stylish as usual. Tonight's outfit:
Tight black velvet jeans, sparkly pink leg warmers, and a purple satin blouse.
Sadly, Jess soon hears that Bruce had declined his invitation. He's at a college party, and his date to the dance is 19 years old!!!! Bruce = PIMP!!!! Lila and Jess wonder why someone so "ancient" would want to go to a high school dance. (Seriously, you two are getting on my nerves today!!!! I went to PROM last month!!!! WHAT?!?!) Jess spots Ronnie and goes to work on her Big Plan. He agrees to be her date to the Big Dance, and she pretends to care about his stupid breakup with Eeny.

Monday arrives, and everybody is STILL talking about the whole Ken/Ms. D. thing. Liz jumps up and tells everybody how stupid they are to gossip and believe such a silly rumor. Ms. D. enters the room wearing sunglasses and looking sad. (Or hungover...does anybody have her alibi for the night of Lila's red wine party???) She tries to go about teaching like nothing is wrong, but as soon as she turns to use the blackboard, she sees that somebody has written something about her and Ken on it. She runs out of the room with tears streaming down her face.

The day continues to go downhill for Liz. She tries to speak to Enid, but Enid just wants to yell at her. Liz cries to Jess, and Jess promises to help her fix things with Enid. Liz actually believes that Jess will do this. Jess goes and plays nice with Enid. She "warns" Enid that Ronnie has been talking about her behind her back, and Enid is even more mad at Liz because of this. Whatever, fuck her!!!! Enid = no great loss.

Liz eventually finds out that Jess and Ronnie are going to the dance together. Jess tells Liz that she's only going with Ronnie so she can put in a good word for Enid and try to fix their relationship so Enid won't hate Liz anymore. Liz is a dumbass today and she believes this. Jess also tells Liz that Enid has been talking a lot of shit about her lately. Liz is upset (of course she is!!!) and she goes and whines to Mr. Collins like she did in book #1. He convinces her that she needs to investigate the matter and find the person who spilled the Big Secret. Liz can only think of one other person who knew- Winston. You see, Win and George have been friends for years, like since before the partying days. Liz tracks down Win and he swears that he didn't tell Ronnie anything.

Liz discusses things with Todd (who mentions that he has a brother...) and Todd informs her that Jess is probably the least trustworthy person he's ever met. (You know what? I kind of have to give him that, being she DID accuse him of trying to rape her...) Liz decides to think about it some more and she goes home. She cleans her room before going to the dance and finds the letter from George. Mystery solved.

Meanwhile, Enid has decided to skip the dance entirely. She's upset about how crappy her life has become, and she decides to bitch about it to someone who's even more pathetic than she is. She goes to -who else- Ms. D. and whines. (I'm not so sure if she should be visiting a teacher that's been accused of sleeping with a student...even if it is a rumor, people would be all over that!!!!) Even Ms. D. (who's so upset about the Ken thing that she has decided to never return to SVH) defends Liz's honor and tells Enid that Liz would never lie. Ever. Ms. D. convinces Enid to go to the dance, and then it's Enid's turn to talk Ms. D. out of quitting. Both agree to give it another chance.

Enid returns home and gets ready for the dance. As she's putting on her dress, George makes his return. He's wearing a suit, so Enid can tell right away that he's a changed man!!!! He's even gotten super gorgeous!!!!! *BONUS!!!!!* He says he knows everything about what happened with stupid ass Ronnie, and he owes Enid a date for the dance. Awwww. She accepts his invite and they seal it with a kiss.

Of course, we haven't had the obligatory REVENGE plan yet. At the dance, Liz enlists the help of Caroline Pearce as the Droids perform yet again. (This time is a song by somebody named Linda Ronstadt...is she a real person?) Everybody is abuzz, discussing the hottie that Enid is showing off. Everybody is shocked when Ms. D. shows up and dances with Mr. Collins. Enid quickly finds Liz and apologizes for being such an intolerable little whiny bitch. Enid is no longer mad because she realized that Ronnie was never right for her in the first place. Okay then, I really don't care. I'm just reading this for the setup for book #3. Finally, we get to the good stuff and Jess is crownded queen!!!!! Yay!!! Liz's plan involving Caroline rigged the king voting...and WINSTON gets crowned instead of Bruce!!!! Now Jess has to represent the school at important events and attend every dance (including the Big Disco Dance that's 3 weeks away) with WINSTON!!!! According to the rumors, Jess is CRAZY in love with Win. (Score one for Win, even if it IS a rumor!!!!) Jess stands on stange and contemplates strangling Liz...I finaaly see her logic when she makes this decision. According to Jess: Killing Liz = jail time, Jail time = NO BRUCE!!!! (That seems like a very good reason to me!!!!) Liz forces Jess to accept the crown, or else she'll tell the entire school just how far Jess went to win that damn plastic crown. As she stands on stage with tears in her eyes, she makes eye contact with Bruce and a shot of electricity passes between them...thus setting up book #3 - Playing With Fire!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Blah, an entire book about Enid. The only thing that made this book worth reading was the very end. Bruce is SO hott!!!!