Tuesday, May 17, 2011

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 3) - "Promotional Rescue"

I think I pretty much covered this at the end of my last post...

Surprise, surprise, Jess has crashed the Jeep yet again!!! As usual, she needs to come up with $200 to cover the repairs. Yet, she's at the Moon Beach, spending her parents' hard-earned money despite the fact that she eats like 6 meals a day at home, plus snacks. Win suggests that she quit with the gluttony and the bitching about her finances. Actually, he suggests she get a JOB (LOL!!!!), but I liked my version better.

Speaking of people spending money, Bruce's dad has recently bought him the Moon Beach. (Yay, Moon Beach!!! I like it even better now!!!) And thus, Bruce is now Win's BOSS!!!! Which means, Winston = Bruce's slave!!!! (No not THAT kind of slave...dirty, filthy-minded reader!!!!)

Sadly, we must now check in with the Other Side. Liz and Enid are in the billiards room. Enid is absolutely without a doubt the stupidest person on Earth. She thinks that the pool cue chalk is eyeshadow. Dumbass. Liz isn't listening to her incessant babblings, however, she's still moping over -you guessed it!!!- Todd. Cheryl is sick of this shit, so she devises a secret plan to help Liz get over it for good...

Back to Bruce!!!! Bruce is obsessed with turning the MB into a profit machine!!! Jess, also needing some profit, suggests a partnership. Jess wants to throw a bunch of themed parties at the MB, and Bruce agrees to pay her $50 per party. Jess's first action as partner is to suggest firing Winston, and Bruce agrees.

Damnit!!!! That was just getting interesting!!!! Now we're back to the Losers. They're riding in a convertible, and Enid is in the back, screaming like she's never ridden in a car before. I don't think I have ever been THAT excited in my life... You can totally tell Cheryl wants to punch her face in. Enid quits screaming long enough to pull out some car games. She has checkers!!!! And some other lame shit, but Cheryl isn't having it!!!! She tosses Enid's crap out the window, and I now want Cheryl to marry me!!!!

Back at the Moon Beach, Jess has hired Win's replacement. His name is Chad, and he's hot. Of course, he's also an idiot. He gives $25 change for a $10!!!! Jess is throwing a huge party at the MB TONIGHT!!!! This should be good...

NOOOO!!!! We're back to Liz/Cheryl/Eeny!!!! NOOOOO!!!! Enid even makes LIZ seem tolerable, damnit!!!! Cheryl's Big Secret Surprise Plan is camping at Devil's Canyon!!!! Wow, I was hoping for a spa weekend, or even a few days at a nice hotel... WTF, Cheryl/Tatyanna/Whoever the hell you want to be today?

Oh thank god, we're now back at the MB!!! I'm sorry to report that Jess's promo party is failing miserably. Jess was supposed to mail out the invites (damn, how long has Liz been gone?) but instead she put them in the recycling bin, thinking it was a mailbox. Easy enough mistake, I guess!!! Jess promises that next time it will be a million times better, and Bruce tells her that it HAS to be or else his dad is shutting down the MB!!!! Oh shit!!!! Bruce blames Jess for fucking everything up, and I think he's responsible for at least a LITTLE of the blame. He should have known what he was getting into when he hired Jess. Luckily, Jess seems to have like 6 other events planned that same day, and we get a MONTAGE! of this. There's a heavy metal pancake breakfast, and a creepy mime party. Of course, all are epic fails. Looks like the Moon Beach is fucked!!!!

Meanwhile, in the woods, Cheryl has "accidentally" pushed Enid off of a cliff...oh wait, wishful thinking!!!! Instead, Cheryl has built a fire and Liz is clutching a box containing all of Todd's stuff. Cheryl wants her to burn it (like in CLUELESS!!!!!), and Enid is STILL being annoying as hell. You can totally tell that Cheryl wants something really bad to happen to her, and even Liz is slightly annoyed. Liz is scared to burn all of the stuff because she isn't ready to forget Todd yet. (Probably because we still have like 2 1/2 seasons to go!!!!)

Flashing back to the MB yet again, Bruce is still failing. The place is empty as hell, and Jess is wondering why nobody showed up to the fondue party. Suddenly, a large crowd rushes in and demands burgers. They don't want fondue, so Jess and Bruce are SOL, and Jess suggests keeping the MB the way it was. Bruce agrees that it was perfect the way it used to be (like, yesterday!!!! or maybe the day before...) and he begs Jess to help him cook for the customers. Jess has had enough (and also made enough from her failed parties) and she quits, taking hottie Chad with her. Amazingly, we get ANOTHER MONTAGE! Two-for-one!!!! Hells yeah!!! Bruce is working his ass off, and he really sucks at it. The crowd starts to chant and Bruce screams in frustration.

At the camping spot, Enid is STILL babbling. SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! You contribute NOTHING!!!! And I am losing what remains of my sanity listening to you!!!! I wish YOU had been riding with Liz on Jungle Prom Night!!!! Everybody decides to go to sleep, and Liz falls asleep holding a picture of Todd.

I really should have done this episode "A-plot"/"B-plot" style. I hate switching back and forth, and these plots are seemingly parallel!!!! Back at the MB (again, *sigh*) Bruce is cleaning up his mess. Win comes in to collect his final check, and Bruce begs him to come back. And then something amazing happens- the YouTube glitches and skips forward to the very end. Hopefully I didn't miss anything important!!! It doesn't appear so, because the episode ends with everything being resolved somehow. Jess even manages to fix the Jeep, but she lets Chad drive it afterwards and he crashes it AGAIN!!!! I wonder how much Mr. W. pays for car insurance every month?

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce now owns the Moon Beach, and Winston.
*Liz is not over Todd.
*Jess has seriously bad luck with that damn Jeep!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Dark Side of the Moon Beach"...oh, how I LOVE that Moon Beach!!!! Todd shows just how much he's changed. Can anyone save him before it's too late? And Lila learns how to live like the rest of us.

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