The Unicorn Club #11 - Angels Keep Out

Intro:  I know I haven't blogged in months, and I blame this book for my absence.  It nearly caused the death of this blog!  It's a terribly boring story that, like most of these UC books, just won't end!  Seriously, my notes alone cover 5 pages and it keeps switching back and forth between twin perspectives to tell a story with a predictable conclusion.  So please bear with me as I struggle through this one, which was published in May of 1996, according to my notes.  

Cover:  Apologies for the terrible image as I am STILL without proper Internet and being forced to write this on my iPhone. Shown here we have 4 girls in purple shirts (Ellen is holding the pointer in front of a poorly-drawn party map, Jess is the blonde, and I'm guessing Kimberly is the slutty-looking one while Mandy is in front with some awesome high top Chucks).  The back cover tells us that it's a Jessica book (read: brace yourself for some lame Elizabeth chapters!) and that the UC is having a co-ed party.  Not to be outdone, those damn Angels are having one as well...on the same night!  And they're stealing the UC's party ideas, as well as their guests!  

Story:  We begin our story on a Thursday.  Jess is at the daycare center, eating all of the poor kids' graham crackers because apparently her 3 daily meals and after school trip to the Dairi Burger weren't satisfying enough.  As she's consuming the last of the snacks, it's mentioned that the center is running low on supplies.  Lila suggests a fund raiser, because Mr. Fowler is currently out of town and is thus unable to solve this financial crisis.  Jess loves the idea and agrees to mention it at the next UC meeting.

With that important plot device established, we are then informed that the UC is still suffering the after effects of the tragic UC/Angels split.  I missed that book, but even I know that Mandy originally sided with the Angels but has since rejoined the UC (excellent choice, Mandy).  Jess and Li (and SarahLynn) make fun of the Angels for being "goody-goody".  (Side note: has anyone ever used that phrase outside of SV?!). They're quickly put in their place by some kid named Gabriella (who I'm picturing as a 6 year old Vanessa Hudgens) and her claims that her "major hunk" of a brother (an 8th grader named Antonio) says that the Angels are the best club at SVMS.  Because I guess 8th grade boys in SV are concerned with that sort of thing.  Yawn.  

Naturally, this launches Jess and Li into a panic.  It's obviously a MAJOR crisis and they decided to call an emergency UC meeting at Jess' house on Saturday.  Kill me now, please.  

Jess runs home to establish one of the book's lame subplots and, upon barging into Liz's room, discovers her twin writing Todd's name repeatedly on a piece of paper (psycho much?!  I can only hope that Margo has taken over!).  Jess teases Liz about her creepy Todd obsession, and Liz declares that she's in live with him.  Jess gives her some boy advice (awww) and admits that Todd is "very cute" but about as exciting as a math quiz.  Ha.  Nonetheless, she's happy that she and Liz still have something in common.  (No, she doesn't mean TODD...yet, just boys in general.)

The following chapter takes us to Friday (sweet, I just started a job where I have weekends off for the first time EVER!  Yay, Friday!).  Oddly, it's told from Liz's POV.  Damnit, I thought that the creation of the Angels meant no more Liz chapters!  Fuck.  Liz is sitting at the stupidly-named Angeliner (wtf, that makes zero sense) and staring creepily at Todd.  She's so into her stalking that she's completely ignoring her friends.  Since she's spacing on her own chapter, the book helpfully introduces us to the Angels...

We meet Mary and Maria with minimal detail but, oddly, we get a lot of background on Evie.  And it's all wrong!   Her mother has somehow been resurrected from the dead (see books 2, 3, and 5 recaps) along with her grandfather!  They both "live" with Evie and her grandmother, who's awesome and runs a thrift store.  The ever-captivating Angels' lunch discussion centers on cleaning their rooms and doing homework.  No wonder Liz isn't listening.  

Liz has a super lame daydream about Todd showing up with a rose and declaring the day to be Elizabeth Wakefield Day!  Lame lame lame.  Liz's dream day involves dancing on the beach and her fantasy ends with Todd learning in for a kiss while SarahLynn vomits in the Pacific Ocean due to excessive amounts of LAME.  Liz comes out of her stupor and is sad that she can't tell her friends about her crush. Because they're shitty friends who would accuse her of acting like a Unicorn if she acknowledges the opposite sex...I guess.  

Back in AngelLand, everybody's whining about how much they miss Mandy, so Liz decides to cheer everyone up...with brownies.  The binge sesh is scheduled for the following day (Saturday) at Casa Wakefield.  Uh oh!

The book then randomly switches to Saturday.  We are spared more Lame Liz and join Jess at the Fowler's pool!  All of the UC is present and they're freaking out about Antonio considering them only the 2nd best club!  Hey, at least you still outrank the Eights!  Kimberly considers this to be a major "public relations problem", to which Ellen (LOVE!) replies "I get along with the public just fine!"   Awww.  Luckily, Kim has a plan already.  

The UC decides to garner free publicity and advertising by throwing a party!  The gala event will consist of a BBQ at the Wakefields (because, it's not like anyone else in the club has a sweet house where one could throw a better party?!) and the Angels are NOT invited!  Jess and Mandy naturally think this is a bitch move and Li begins to agree.  But Kimberly has spoken, and her word is apparently the law. 

Chapter 3 takes us back to the Angels pity party.  Liz is choosing a sexy outfit in the hopes of impressing Todd.  Her hotness consists of an old red sweater, a black and white checkered mini skirts, and black pumps.  What 13 year old wears pumps?!  That outfit sounds atrocious and I hope Kimberly (SVMS' answer to Regina George) makes fun of it.  Liz whines internally about not being able to tell the Angels about Todd.  I guess they missed the entire SVT series or something.  

The Angels agonize over proper party attire (and I begin to think about how the Angels are actually quite similar to the UC...) and decide that their only salvation is Mandy's "awesome" fashion sense.  The Angels basically feel inferior to the UC at this point, so they trash talk the UC to make themselves feel better (see, no difference at all!).  The Angels discuss how stupid the UC is because they like boys and have crushes, which the Angels deem "shallow".  I guess they've forgotten about that atrocity that is UC book #5 at this point...MARY!   Anyways, Liz feels sad because she actually likes boys, and she thinks that she's just like the Unicorns.  (Oh, honey, you WISH!)

The Angels mope around Casa Wakefield and Mrs. W, sensing their melancholy, suggests throwing a party to raise their spirits.  Because parents in SV apparently think nothing of blowing a ton of cash on snacks for club meetings, their willingness to finance massive parties for the entire student body of SVMS is merely an afterthought.  The Angels decide to throw a BBQ...and Liz secretly dreams about inviting Todd.  Because the Wakefield backyard will be the location, Liz decides she has to invite Jess but, bitchily, hopes her twin won't want to attend.  Ouch. 

Jess comes home and announces her intention to throw her party the following Saturday (with no protests of short notice or consideration of expenses from her parents, sigh).  Liz is all "WTF?!", and Jess accuses Liz of stealing her party idea.  Mrs. W, presumably not wanting to cover 2 separate sets of party expenses, suggests combining the functions.  Yeah fucking right!

On Monday, the UC gathers around the Unicorner and expresses their outrage over the Angels decision to throw a party. Mandy is the only one with a soul, so she is secretly sad that they can't combine their festivities.  Li decides to offer up Fowler Crest as a party locale, which she really should have done in the first place and spared me the hour that I had to spend reading this horribly boring book.  

Mandy's still feeling sad after school so she ventures to the daycare center, where Liz is also trying to cheer herself up.  They talk and realize that they miss each other and that their friendships are really more important than their lame clubs.  Liz invites Mandy to the Angels party, which has been moved to Friday.  

While at the center, Liz overhears the director complaining about the lack of funds.  Of course, she decides to further complicate the plot by enlisting the Angels to help with the crisis.  Because switching the party to a different day solved the original dilemma, this plot device will surely lead to the UC and Angels crossing paths...

Because Luz hasn't reached her daily lameness quota, she runs into Todd on her way home.  And I begin to space out a little as they discuss the weather.  For real.  Liz randomly blurts out that Todd is invited to their party and he accepts the invite, saying "it's a date!"   I imagine that this causes Liz to faint from happiness. 

Meanwhile, the UC is at Li's again.  They've decided to have a gourmet dinner party with hot new chef Jean Jacques (how much more stereotypical can these books' portrayal of the French get?!).  They're currently tasting the menu and discussing when they will have their party.  (Wait, I thought they were doing it on Saturday?). Mandy informs everyone that the Angels' party has moved to Friday at 7 and suddenly Jess and Kim decide that they want to have theirs on Friday at 7, too!  Seriously?!  Bitches.  Mandy and Ellen (who, as president, should REALLY contribute more!) are unsure of this.  

Jess goes home and tells Liz that the Angels should probably just cancel their party because the UC is obviously superior in the party department.  Liz gets upset when Jess tells her about the scheduling and accuses Jess of stealing her date/time.  Liz calls the UC "nasty" and "unfair", so Jess plays the bitch card and says that Mandy was the one who told them about the date change.  Liz wants to cry, but since this isn't SVT, she gets pissed instead.  Oh no.  

On Tuesday, Liz is still mad.  Mandy approaches her and apologizes for tipping off the UC.  She blames Kimberly and says that she wishes they could co-exist.   Liz vows that the UC won't spoil her lame Todd party.  

After school, the Angels continue their planning.  The UC interrupts them and this causes a Unicorns vs. Angels standoff.  Liz insults Li's house by calling it "Fowler Crust" (ease up there, baby girl!  I know it's not a Spanish tiled split level, but I'm sure your mother put a lot of time into designing it!).  Jess laughs at her lame twin and announces that the party has moved locations yet again, and both clubs vow to have their parties.  By any means necessary.  Or something.  (I'm so bored at this point...even my notes say "who gives a fuck?")

Jess and the UC decide to unwind at the daycare center.  She gets right to work with Li, tackling the mountain of dishes.  (And I noted that Lila doing dishes completely contradicts another book where it is stated that Li has never touched a dish in her entire life!).  Kim is also present, totally just there to complain about how much she hates the center and all of the little brats.  I agree, can we go to Lisette's or Casey's instead?!   The girls ignored the kids and discuss possible party locations.  In the midst of this, the sink (much like everything else in the poorly-built building) breaks.  Well, that's just ghetto as hell.  

We then switch to later in the evening, where Liz and Jess are still fighting.  Casa Wakefield is full of tension, and Liz wishes that this wasn't the case as she needs some sisterly advice.  She finally breaks down and tells Jess about her upcoming "date" with Todd.  Jess quickly crushes her spirits (sweet!) by informing her that Todd will be attending the UC party instead.  This angers Liz and she vows not to lose the club war -or Todd- to Jessica, or anyone else!  (SVC foreshadowing at its finest!)

In the following chapter (#7, so halfway through this terrible torture!), Liz worries more about Todd (as she rightfully should) and decides to get revenge by making her party even bigger!   Of course, Jess overhears this and this means WAR!

On Wednesday, the UC still doesn't have a party location and Jess agonizes over this, as well as thinking about the state of ghettoness at the daycare center.  Predictably, inspiration strikes and Mandy suggests throwing the party at the center and making it a fund raiser!   Brilliant.  

Liz, meanwhile, is still creepily obsessed with Todd.  So much so that she's spaced on her party ideas.  Suddenly, her thoughts turn to the daycare center and, predictably, inspiration strikes twice in one lunch period!  The Angels LOVE the idea, and Mary decides to make their fundraiser a secret theme with a secret location so the UC can't ruin it.  Hmmm...

Back to Jess, she's decided that the theme should be a casino night!  I guess she missed the episode of Degrassi where they attempted this and it ended with a stabbing...I don't blame her, new Degrassi sucks!  The center director loves the idea, and promises not to inform the Angels of what's transpiring.   She does, however, feel that this book has dragged on too much and that this whole war is stupid, so she voices her wish that the clubs settle differences and combine their parties.  (Wait, how did she know that the Angels were also planning a party?!  Curious, no?).  

Meanwhile, Liz and Evie hit the party store for ideas before heading to the center.  They propose throwing a carnival-themed party in the center's play yard, and the director readily agrees.  She promises not to tell the UC anything...what a scandalous bitch!   I hope this ends in bloodshed and she's held liable...

To celebrate, Evie and Liz join the Angels at Casey's and -gasp!- Todd is there!  Liz suddenly gets really paranoid that Jess will impersonate her and try to convince Todd to divulge party details.  She decides to stay a step ahead of Jess and formulates a plan of her own, using Todd as a pawn.  (Life lesson- the best way to get a guy's attention is to manipulate him...?  I don't know anymore!)

Of course, the very thing Liz fears has occurred to Jess as well.  On Thursday, she dresses up as Liz and has a conversation with Todd.  He, having already foretold of this, tells her he's very excited about the Angels' BBQ.  Later, he informs Liz that Operation Fool Jess was a glowing success.  Yawn.  

At this point, this book has officially taken me longer to recap than it originally took to read!  You guys are lucky I love you enough to continue.  *Sigh*.   Anyways, Jess waltzes up to the Angels at lunch and tells them that she knows all about their little BBQ.  Liz pretends to be mad, but she's secretly pleased that her plan is working. 

The UC is pleased with their knowledge and they hang a banner (omg!  I LOVE banners!) that announces that maps to the party locale will be available at Casey's.   They're also pleased that Aaron Dallas will be attending.  (Side note: does Steven even exist in these books?  He must be off somewhere with Bruce...).   Not to be outdone, the Angels hang their own banner, promising maps at Guido's.  

Finally, we approach our final standoff as Friday arrives!  The UC crowd into Mr. Fowler's limo, which is being driven by a man named Charles.  Excuse me, but RICHARD is the name of the Fowler's driver, so I'm beginning to wonder if the UC is about to be taken hostage by this strange new character.  Kimberly, however, does not share my concern as she begins talking mad shit about the Angels and how crappy the Wakefields' house is.  Just when I start to think that she's being a total count minus the "o", she starts in on how lame Liz is, and I find it impossible to hate her.  The UC arrives at the center and the director warns them not to venture outside because the yard has been dug up and it's unsafe.  I guess a water main or something allegedly broke because, you know, the building sucks.  

Liz, meanwhile, arrives at the daycare center with the Angels.  They're told not to go inside because something broke inside.  

The guests, having realized that both parties are at the center, arrive.  Bruce (!!!!!!  Thank god, this book just redeemed itself!!!) is present!!!!   Fuck my hatred of the Angels, I will go to any party that Bruce wants.  Neither club has realized that the other is present, so Liz is shocked when she disobeys the order to go inside (most likely she was trying to stop her guests from experiencing the disaster zone inside...I spaced out again so I'm not 100% positive) and sees the other party.  

Chaos ensues when both clubs realize that their parties are at the same venue.  Accusations of idea-theft are hurled back and forth between the clubs.  In typical Jess fashion, she realizes that she forgot to bring the food in the midst of the confrontation (wtf?!  Nobody noticed this when they picked her up?!) and runs to the kitchen to try and pillage snacks (from the under-funded center that started this whole thing...hello, plot contrivance!).  Liz suddenly realizes that she forgot to bring soda (my guess is that Ned and Alice were like "fuck no, we're not providing food AND drinks for hundreds of teenagers who deemed our house unworthy of hosting their respective parties!", and they simply neglected to purchase anything, knowing Jess and Liz would be too absorbed by their feud to remember on their own...).  Jess and Liz collide in the kitchen and WW3 ensues!

Their fight is interrupted almost immediately, much to my disappointment.  The director says that they sound like a couple of 5 year olds and that she thought that this whole situation would teach the clubs to co-exist.  Her logic escapes me, but it somehow leads to the twins apologizing to each other and remembering that their parties have a bigger purpose- the poor, disadvantaged children of SV!   Without any more thought, they agree to combine both parties.  

The UC, however, isn't so easily convinced.  Kim is adamant that the parties stay segregated, until she learns that there isn't any food!  Liz comes to the rescue by setting up the food table (why didn't they set up food/beverages BEFORE the guests arrived?!) halfway between the parties while Mandy sets up the drinks right beside her.  Awww.  Todd is impressed by the festivities and he rewards Liz with some hand-holding AND a kiss.  *gag*.  The Angels witness this and want to know what's up with Liz and Todd.  Liz is then forced to admit that she likes him and -shocker!- nobody cares!   A ton of money is raised, and all is well in SV...

We end with a lead-in to book #12, Five Girls and a Baby, which I don't own.  I wish I did because it HAS to be better than this!  

*The SarahLynn Summary:*

You have NO idea how happy I am to have this one out of the way!  Like I said, I almost chose to abandon my beloved blog over recapping this one, but I've come too far to turn back now.  At least Bruce made an appearance, but otherwise this was a complete waste of time.  

Coming Up Next:  I'm not entirely sure, possibly some TV recaps to restore my sanity.  I watched a few episodes, took notes, and was positive that I posted them months ago, but apparently not!  I believe we left off somewhere in season 2...

The Unicorn Club #14 - Lila on the Loose

Intro: I'm back, bitches! After an extended hiatus, I have re-read my entire blog and come to the conclusion that I miss Sweet Valley. Plus, I'm hardly working these days (thanks to a broken arm sustained at work 10 weeks ago) and I'm bored. The only problem, I'm currently computer-less, so I'm writing this on my iPhone. First world problems, I guess. So, lets do this!

I'm picking up with the Unicorn Club books, because I have 3 summaries ready to go and I just want to be done with this hell! We're going to start with a LILA recap, because Lila is my favorite! And this just happens to be my favorite UC book, so hopefully this renews my enthusiasm for the SV Universe.

This book was published in November of 1996, and obviously I skipped about 9 books to get to this point. But whatever, at least I'm back to blogging :)

Cover: Judging by the idiot with the lampshade on his head and the balloons, it's PARTY TIME! We see Lila, looking about 23-25 years of age, getting slutty with some random guy. I like where this is going.
The back cover intro tells us that Lila is awesome (duh), and that she has some real daddy issues. Her dad works a lot and Li has decided to test his love for her. Or something.

Recap: We begin on a Sunday afternoon. Jess and Li are at the hair salon, celebrating the fact that Li got an A on a recent math test. Lila's dad is "tremendously proud" of her, and they will be going to dinner at a fancy French place to celebrate. Li even bought a new outfit for the occasion! She also mentions that she used to dance around the ballroom with her father to some song about salty rag dogs on special occasions, but now she's too mature for that shit.

Jess, in typical Jess fashion, fails to see why this is so special. She has dinner with her dad every night, and her mom as well. Lila ignores her insensitivity and claims that this is one of the biggest nights of her life, and secretly hopes that this will be a turning point in her relationship with her father. Poor Li is sick of only having paid servants for company, damnit.

Li and Jess head to Casey's to pregame for dinner and they see Jimmy Lancer inside with his friends. Li previously lied to the UC about having gone out with Jimmy (who is a high school boy!) in some book that I didn't read, so Jess forces her to say "hi". Lila Fowler never backs down from a challenge, so she struts right up to him and stares awkwardly at him until his dick friends start laughing. Apparently Li has accidentally put her hand in Jimmy's sundae. (What kind of sundae? Chocolate? Caramel? Butterscotch? I hope it was strawberry.)

Jimmy is slightly more mature than his friends, so he quickly wipes Lila's hand clean and introduces her to everyone. He calls her the prettiest girl at SVMS, and Li is officially crushing HARD! Uh oh...

As usual, Mr. F is late to dinner that evening. The head chef greets Lila personally and gives her the best table. Because Lila is awesome. Everyone stares at poor Li as she waits forever for her father. She starts wishing she had invited Jimmy, and when the waiter informs her that Mr. F is delayed by a meeting, Lila snaps. She orders one of everything, to-go. She plans on a late dinner at home with her father, but we all know how this will turn out...

Lila returns to Fowler Crest (no word if its "Crest" or "Manor", but that is my preferred term) and sets the fancy dining table with the best China. She waits patiently, still all dressed up and feeling very grown up, until 11 pm, when she passes out from exhaustion. Mrs. Pervis, the housekeeper, wakes her up at 1 am to inform her that her father had to fly to NYC on business. Li is understandably upset by this and she mopes off to be feeling more alone than she ever has before. (Points if you get that reference!)

The following day, Monday, Li is at school with the UC. The club currently consists of Mandy, Ellen, Kimberly, Jessica, and Lila. The UC is pressing Lila for details about her sophisticated evening of fatherly doting, and this makes Li sad again. She covers well, describing a fabulous evening complete with an A-shaped cake in honor of her grade. The UC eats this up, until Caroline Pearce interrupts and announces that her family was dining out and witnessed all of Lila's embarrassment. BUSTED!!!!

Li must quickly regain social standing, so she suggests throwing an epic party! A HUGE one, with HIGH SCHOOL BOYS!!!! I am SO there!!!!!

After school, Lila visits Ellie at the Daycare Center. Ellie is super hyper, because she's going to a family dinner at The Dairi Burger. Lila is super jealous (awww), and she notices that all of the little brats are talking about their families. Even Jess and Liz (in all of her Angels Club holiness) join in. They're having a family dinner and game night (which includes Pictionary, yawn...break out some CandyLand or the Carmen San Diego board game). Lila can't stand the thought of another solo dinner, so she invites herself to what is already the 4th meal mentioned in this book.

Lila has a fabulous time at dinner. Even though the Wakefields have terrible table manners and Steven teases all the girls, Li is just happy to be around a real family despite the pain she feels about her lack of one. She even volunteers to help clear the table. (She says she learned how to do it from watching tv, and that's just one of many reasons why I LOVE Li.).

Mr. F returns on Tuesday morning and offers zero apologies for blowing off his own daughter. Lila decides to act bratty and, when that fails, she calls him out for missing such an important event. He responds by saying he's very proud of her SCIENCE grade (it was math, you deadbeat!) and giving her a $100 bill. Big. Fucking. Deal. Lila wants a father, not money, but Mr. F just doesn't get the hint.

Thus, the party is ON! Li sets it for Saturday and decides to finance it entirely. Sweet! Count me in! She wants to go to the mall for supplies, but everybody has family obligations so she goes alone.

While she shops, she runs into Jimmy and ends up dropping serious $$$ at the CD store on some imported CDs. I totally remember doing that back in the day. Oh, how iTunes has changed life as we know it!

Lila tries again (unsuccessfully) at dinner to discuss "important" things with her father. He doesn't listen to her babble about Jimmy, and he basically ignores her. It's really sad, but I'm ready to see Lila get pissed! If memory serves, she shops like crazy in this book! And I adore shopping scenes!

At lunch on Wednesday (meal #8 in this book) Lila continues to lie to her friends. They're getting smarter, and they refuse to believe that Li is dating Jimmy. She's pissed, and lets these bitches know that she in fact has a date with him on Friday. They're going to the fancy French place! The UC doubts that Mr. F would allow Lila to date a high school boy, but we know he doesn't give a fuck. Lila secretly wishes that he did, of course. But he has no objections when she calls Jimmy and asks him to agree to this. His response is "sure, kiddo", and I laugh because no high school boys talk like that. Trust me, I live a block from my local high school and the things I overhear on my daily walks to the store would SHOCK and OFFEND anyone.

Friday arrives at last, and Lila is nervous. She tries to get out of her date by asking Mr. F to do something with her. Of course, he's busy being a businessman, so he basically throws a credit card at Lila. She gets even more angry and screams at him that she has a date with a high school boy. He is a seriously neglectful parent and he simply ignores his daughter, so...

Lila goes shopping!!!!! Yay, finally!!!! She buys 4 designer swimsuits, 2 of which don't even fit. (Hmmm, maybe they'll fit me...). And then she proceeds to tear the mall up something proper. She pillaged the finest stores and spends upwards of $534 (specific). But that's not enough to get her the attention that she wants, so she goes on to spend $300 on skin care (ahem, she's 13, that's just crazy!) and $600 on sports equipment. She also buys $1000 worth of CDs for Jimmy, plus 5 platinum unicorn necklaces. I do not know the cost of those but she ends up maxing out a card with a $75K limit! WOW, I am impressed! Go Lila! When her card comes up declined, she simply pulls out another one. Damn, remember when the children's hospital struggled to raise $100 for that laser in the Christmas chiller?!

It's finally date time! Jimmy is out of his element and has no idea what "5 star" means. Typical of a high school boy, finally some realism! Lila gifts him with a new diving watch and he -jokingly- suggests that she buy him the matching speedboat. Lila makes a mental note to do just that, and SarahLynn shakes her head in disbelief. Lila has checked out! She also invites him to the party and tells him to invite friends.

Lila goes home from her date on top of the world. But then she remembers that her homework assignment is an essay about family (it WOULD be) and she can't think of anything. To make matters worse, Jimmy calls to thank Mr. F for the $$$$ dinner, and Mr. F is too busy to be bothered with that.

Sidenote- why didn't the credit card company bother to alert Mr. F that upwards of $75K was charged to his card? I would think that such spending would alert somebody, somewhere. Plus, allowing anybody who isn't the cardholder access to such vast amounts of $$$ just seems risky. I dated a guy with an American Express Centurion Card (aka- the Black Card), and every time I used the card he was alerted via text...

The day of the party, Lila has one major obstacle- Mrs Pervis. She obviously won't leave Li alone, so Jess calls and says that Mr. F wants Li to join him in Greece. Mrs. P is thrilled to have a weekend away from Lila's recent brat attacks, so she runs off to visit her daughter without checking to see how legit the situation is. Li and Jess also trick the chauffeur into taking the weekend off. So, party on!!!!

Predictably, Jimmy invites like all of SVH, and Lila invites all of SVMS. Shit gets crazy out of control- kids are on the roof, chicken fighting in the Olympic sized po, and even eating cookies in the pool!!!! Omfg!!!! Lila looks around for Jimmy and finds him...with his girlfriend Hilary! See, since he's in high school, he thinks of Lila as a cute KID, like a little sister type. (Bullshit, James, you led her on!!!! And accepting those extravagant gifts was just fucked up. You, sir, are an ass. ) Dejected, Lila runs outside and cries.

Liz and Jess find her crying and hysterical. Party over, get the fuck out! Their attempts at restoring order are unsuccessful and the high school kids run wild. They even get in a sod fight and destroy the lawn! Those assholes. Obviously, this is NOT the crowd that Steven and Joe associate with...

Suddenly, Mr. F appears (don't worry, he's leaving again at midnight) and kicks all of the unruly teens out. He goes to inspect the house for damages, leaving Li alone to cry some more. He returns and grounds her for being so irresponsible. She has had enough by this point. She blows up at him and basically tells him that he's the worst father ever and that money doesn't equal love. She even goes so far as to say that he's not even a father, before she runs outside and cries some more while hiding in an old tree.

At this point, Lila decides that she doesn't even care if she ever sees him again (and I try to picture Lila living in the tree forever, but I just can't with that) and she passes out crying. She has nightmares about him drowning, and wakes up to him hugging her in the pouring rain. Awww, too little too late, dude. He was so worried when she ran out that he cancelled his trip, yet he still waited until 2 am to find her. Curious, but at least he bothered to look, I guess. He admits to being a shitty parental and begs Li for another chance. I predict this will last for the duration of this book and not much longer.

The following morning, Li wakes up to him baking in his Armani suit (oh, hell no...) and he announces that they're spending the day together!!!! Lila's grounded for 2 weeks for the party incident (but NOT for her spending...again, WOW) and he's also grounded himself. To being a father. I predict that he pulls out his Blackberry as soon as Li is out of the room... Lila apologizes as well, and they do that salty dog rag dance that's mentioned on page one.

The book doesn't really lead-in to #15 because of that damn dog dance, but of course there's a blurb pimping it despite this. Kimberly thinks she's "Too Cool for the Unicorns" and might possibly become a member of that damn 8x8 Club from books 2 and 3. I hate those bitches!!!! That Amanda bitch is EVIL, damnit. Luckily, I have yet to purchase that book.

****SarahLynn's Summary****
As someone who does not have a real father myself (he's an executive type, walked out when I was just a little SarahLynn, never calls, sends cash when asked, and has 3 sons under age 8...), I completely related to this. Poor Lila is all alone in this world :( No wonder she has relationship issues for YEARS, I do as well!!!!
And...this concludes my first recap of 2013! My last one was in February of 2012, so this feels great!!!! I missed this, and I hope people start reading again :)

The Unicorn Club #5 - Unicorns In Love

Intro: Hello, loves! After yet another long absence, I'm again attempting to return to blogging. I miss it terribly, this blog was like my baby at this time last year and I've invested sooo much time and money into it that I'm finding it impossible to walk away. Life's crazy these days!!! I finally returned to work (a new job, which unfortunately doesn't pay as much as the old one) and being a single 26 year-old is DIFFICULT!!!! Between socializing, planning my first ever vacation, and trying to date again (PLUS...having my heart broken AGAIN, which I'm sure I'll tell you about randomly), I barely have time to breathe, let alone sit here and write a post. But, I have managed to read quite a few Unicorn books (which is NOT an easy task, trust me!!!) this year, and hopefully I'll get back to recapping them regularly for you. For now, you'll have to settle for this one from May of 1994, which I am only recapping because tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'd much rather be recapping a Lila book!!!

Cover: It appears that our beloved Unicorns are coupling up these days!!! And their boyfriends are wearing matching shoes!!! One of the twins (Jessica, I'm assuming) appears to be none too happy about this new development. Or maybe she's just pissed that her head appears to be far too large for her body. Some Asian girl (Evie? IDK, honestly, I spaced out on these books after The Best Friend Game...) is whispering to Jess, so I assume that the rest of the UC is also pretty upset about this shit.

Back Cover: Yep, that's Evie. Wow, I have an excellent memory!!!! It seems that there's trouble in Unicorn Land. Lila, Mary, Mandy, and Ellen have new boyfriends!!! The rest of the UC is pretty upset about this, so it leads to them fighting and the club disbands! Oh shit, does that mean I don't have to suffer through any more of these?!? Sadly no, because Evie overhears Rick Hunter (Mary's BF) saying that he's going to the big school dance with Amanda Harmon (that whoreface from book #3, oh hell no!!!!) and he plans to dump Mary publically. OMFG, what a douche!!!! Oh wait, he's a MAN, and men do that type of shit, especially in junior high...(and sometimes in their 30's, but that's another story.) Anyways, Evie decides that the only way to stop Rick's douchebaggery is to reunite the Unicorns! Fascinating, No?

Recap: Evie begins the book by telling us about herself. Zzzzzz, wake me up when we get to the part about Jessica and Lila... Evie is Korean-American, with long straight black hair. She is 4'11 and 3/4 inches tall (why she tells us this is beyond me...is it supposed to imply that she's short because she's Asian? Well, it doesn't mean shit!!! I was shorter than that when I was in the 6th grade!!!) and she lives with her grandmother and great aunt, who force her to play the violin nonstop. Ok, you know she doesn't say it like that, but we all know it's true. Evie is babbling about how SVMS is putting on a play that some famous director is helping with, and it's about vampires. Evie and Mandy Miller are doing costumes, Ellen wants to act, Lila wants to boss people around as stage manager, and Jessica wants to be an usher. Haha, RIIIGHT!!! Jess wants to be THE STAR, duh. And I really hate this first person narration crap!!! While all of this is happening, Evis is describing the club, and telling us about her friends. It's all a jumbled, confusing mess that SarahLynn could do without!!! So, in summation,
Lila = rich as hell
Mandy = had cancer once upon a time, dresses awesome
Jessica = major slut, always chasing boys, has a boring twin named Elizabeth
Maria = token black girl, former actress
Ellen = mildly retarded, wants to act, but nobody thinks she can
Got it? I'm sure we'll be subjected to more description as the chapter progresses because that barely covered anything, plus mixing it with the story confused me!!!! Damn you, book!!!

Anyways, all that aside, we now join Evie at her grandmother's store, which is called The Attic. We learn that Evie lives with her grandmother because her parents dies when she was 6...awwww, sad!!! The UC is helping Evie's grandmother out because they recently saved the store from going bankrupt and because they get free vintage clothing for doing so. Mary is going on and on about how Rick Hunter is playing the vampire in the play, and how she has a serious crush on him. I see where this is going...

Later, the UC continues it's charitable efforts by bringing some of the poor kids from that damn daycare center they go to in every chapter to the science museum. Sweet, I LOVE the science museum!!!! Can I go too?!?!? They have dinosaurs there, and this particular museum has one of those inflatable bounce houses!!!! The one by me does NOT, so I am jealous as hell. Ellen is babbling about some guy named Tim Davis. Her friends aren't big fans of his because all he talks about is BASKETBALL (yay!!!! Me too!!!!) and how awesome he is... Sounds like my type all the way!!! Too bad he's 13...and fictional!!! Mary is jealous of Ellen though, because Ellen gets to kiss Rick in the play!!! Oooh, potential girlfight!!!!

At school the following day, we finally get some Lila!!! She appears to have fallen for some hottie by the name of Tommy Rivera, and Mandy is all over some dude named Peter DeHaven. They're all working on the play together, along with Rick and Mary. Everybody pairs up neatly, with the exception of Jessica, Evie, Elizabeth, and Maria. So like half the club now has boyfriends!!!! The Unicorner is quite empty at lunch because of this, and the 4 bouyfriend-less Unicorns are bumming. And I just LOVE how easy it is to find a boyfriend in Sweet Valley!!! Here I am, just hitting 8 months single (as of yesterday!!!), and I kind of hate them for that!!! Sure, I've had dates since the breakup, and it was getting serious with this one guy, but he randomly decided that I wasn't what he wanted (*cough, cough* probably GAY *cough,cough*)...yet these bitches can start relationships in the span of like 6 pages!!! No wonder the single ladies are upset!!!! They distract themselves by discussing the club's scheduled mall trip.

As it turns out, the Unicorns with boyfriends blow off the mall trip entirely! Those whores!!! They were supposed to all shop for SVMS's big semiformal dance, but instead the single Unicorns head to Casey's to settle their sorrows with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Of course, they run into Mandy and Lila there. They're on a double date!!! OMG!!! This is enough to make even Jessica lose her appetite, so you know shit's about to go down!!!

At school the following day, tension rises. Even Elizabeth (who Evie calls the "least whiny" person she knows...wow, Evie must only know like 6 people!!!) is complaining. Lila, Mandy, Mary, and Ellen are so consumed with their new boy toys that they're all late for play rehearsal. Everybody worries that Ellen is so caught up in her new man that she won't be able to remember her lines on opening day (way to give her credit, you bitches!!!), and even Mandy is spacing out on her wardrobe responsibilities.

The single Unicorns leave rehearsal and go straight to the daycare center. The Unicorns with boyfriends don't even bother to go, except for Ellen, who shows up super late and talks nonstop about Tim. It's annoying as hell, and the last straw is when Ellie (Lila's little buddy) tells Jessica how much she misses Lila and thinks Li will never, ever come back. Awwww, I love Li, but even I think blowing off a little girl who obviously looks up to her and thinks the world of her is a little low. Poor Ellie. Jess is upset by this, and she decided to call an emergency meeting! When she tells the rest of the club, they all have plans with their boyfriends already! So that plan is totally fucked!!!! Jess is pissed, and so are the rest of the single Unicorns. This leads to words being exchanged, and the club ends up breaking up since boys are obviously more important than friends!!! Oh shit!!! Please, please let this be permanent!!! I'm losing my mind reading this crap, and I cannot stand the thought of having to read more of these books!!! They're TERRIBLE!!! Poor Evie cries because of the breakup, and shit gets awkward. They even stop speaking to each other!!! Poor Evie has to suffer through gym class and play basketball with Ellen without speaking!!! To make matters worse, that bitch Amanda Howard is also on her team. Rehearsals for the play are no easier, Mandy won't speak to Evie (the bitch passes her NOTES instead, grow the fuck up!!!! Mandy, you survived CANCER, you should realize that life is short and your FRIENDS are the ones that are there for you, boys will only break your heart!!!) Mary won't speak to Elizabeth either, she puts some poor girl named Carmen in the middle of shit and makes her talk to Liz!!!! This is just retarded. Ellen is so distracted by all of this and by Tim's sexiness that she fucks up her lines. The single Unicorns leave rehearsal in bad moods because 1) their firendships are fucked, and 2) the play also appears to be fucked as a result. They decide to cheer themselves up by having a 4 person pity party. They sit around and mope about how much they miss their friends, and the days of the Unicorn Club (ie. THE DAY BEFORE!!!), and they hate all the new free time that they have without the club. Whatever, I'm bored, where's my vodka?!?!

Back at school the next day, Evie and Liz are hanging out in the library. Yawn, I miss Lila!!!! I can't wait to get through this shit so I can do some Lila books for you!!!! I have TWO on deck, and I think I will do them next!!!! Because this is fucking TORTURE!!!! Anyways, Evie and Liz overhear that cunt Amanda talking about the semiformal and how she's going to invite Rick. Uh oh!!! Apparently, the UC hasn't spoken in 5 whole days at this point, so Evie and Liz decide that it would be awkward to tell Mary about this...

To make it even more awkward, Evie goes to the daycare center after school only to find Mary there. Mary's gushing to the kids about the big dance and how she has a new, expensive dress, and how her date is perfect!!! The kids eat it all up, and Ellie wants to hear all about Lila and Tommy. Mary indulges her, and Evie vomits in her mouth a little. THe rest of the kids are also super excited, because they're going to the vampire play!!!

The following day, Evie and Liz's fears are comfirmed when they overhear Rick telling his buddies about Amanda and how he's going to the dance with her. He plans to tel Mary he's too sick to go, and then show up with Amanda. DOUCHE!!!! Evie and Liz decide to ASK him if he's serious and, after they tell him that they're no onger speaking to Mary, douchebag confirms it!!! Yes, the dumbass actually TELLS them that he's doing this.

Evie is upset, but life goes on. She goes to violin practice and cannot focus for shit. She confides in her teacher about the whole Rick thing, and he tells her that, despite recent events, she obviously still cares about Mary, and she should really tell Mary because friends are forever. Or some shit. Evie thinks that's probably a good idea, especially since Mary is investing so much money into the dance. Mary is now getting her hair done AND a makeover at the mall to go along with the dress!!! And, to make matters worse, it seems that EVERYBODY at school now knows about this, except for poor Mary!!! Evie knows what she must do- REUNITE THE UNICORNS!!!!! Because apparently it takes 8 people to solve this damn problem... And, honestly, I am surprised that the former Unicorns are unaware of this!!!! Where is Caroline Pearce?!?! Is she too busy with her early stage breast cancer to gossip this week?!?!

The girls without boyfriends all reach out and contact their former friends. An emergency meeting is called because, in all honesty, they all still care about each other!!! Plus, it's only book #5, so they can't end it yet!!! They tell Mary about Rick's douche tendencies, and Mary cries, of course. Mandy and Jessica team up and call that whore Amanda, and she confirms that Dick -I mean Rick- is going with her. Which only means one thing, the UC needs...REVENGE!!!! Sweet, I hope they kick this asshole in the nuts, and Amanda needs her ass kicked too!!!

Sadly, this IS Sweet Valley, so there will be none of that. The Unicorns work together to rewrite one of the scenes for the play, which -coincidentally- features Rick's character having multiple girlfriends, or something. In the revised scene, several of the characters (all -coincidentally- played by Unicorns) will totally call him out for messing with multiple girls and being a douche in general. Plus, Mandy will sabotauge his costume so his pants are too large, thus causing them to fall down when the girls start fighting over him. Yawn, I could have come up with a better plan than that. Anyways, their plan goes successfully and everybody laughs. The audience thinks it's part of the play, so nothing is actually ruined on that front. But the director is kind of upset, although the UC quickly explains that it was just an opening night glitch. At the afterparty, Jessica goes up to Rick and bitches him out for what he did, and he doesn't seem to care (because he is a MAN, and men suck!!!) until Amanda comes up and announces that she can't go with him because he looked like an idiot on stage. Not because he has a GIRLFRIEND, because he looked stupid on stage!!! (Oh Amanda, you and I have more in common than I thought!!! Girlfriends, wives, I'm not deterred by either one most of the time!!! Call me when you turn 21, we could cause some major trouble!!!)

After a successful humiliation, the UC gets together to discuss the dance (the girls without dates are going together, but the 3 girls with boyfriends will still be going as couples) and set some new club rules so this never happens again. The new rules are simple (so Ellen can remember them!): Everybody must attend the bi-weekly meetings, no blowing off friends for boyfriends, and no dating douchebags!!!! The book ends with a cryptic statement about how the Unicorns are at peace, but will it last? I'm guessing NO, being that book #6 is called The Unicorns At War... (And yes, I do have that one, but after enduring this crap-fest, I need some LILA in my life!!!!)

The back of the book redeems itself by advertising the SVH Jungle Prom miniseries, promising that there is "one person with a power so evil, so dangerous, that it could destroy the entire world of Sweet Valley"... Of course, they are referring to MARGO!!!! Just the mere thought of her is enough to brighten my entire life!!!! Although I do not recall her having any special POWER to speak of... Is being a doppleganger considered a power?!?!

And, speaking of dopplegangers, they actually are NOT as uncommon as other blogs lead you to believe... Being a tan, blue-eyed, blonde myself, I was surprised a few months ago while at the bar one night. Apparently, yours truly is in fact a doppleganger!!!! And here is the proof!!! Blogiverse, meet my long-lost "twin"!!!!

Creepy, huh?!?! I actually grew up with this girl and hadn't seen her for like 10 years, but people kept mistaking me for her and, when we finally ran into each other, it was like a total Parent Trap moment! And yes, Sweet Valley was the first thing that came to mind!!!

***The SarahLynn Summary***
BOYS FUCKING SUCK!!!! They cheat, consume way too much time, and then try to dump you publically. That's why it's best to break their hearts and humiliate them before they get the chance!!! And, in truth, I would much rather be "the other woman", because at least you KNOW what's going on!!!

Coming Up Next...
Lila's dad ignores her, so she decides to throw THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY!!!! With HIGH SCHOOL BOYS!!!!! And yes, Bruce comes too!!!! Plus, there's SHOPPING involved!!!!

The Unicorn Club #3 - The Best Friend Game

Intro: Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Life still hasn't returned to normal for me and it kind of really sucks right now, but I decided that my return has been postponed long enough. Please forgive me if this post is not up to my usual standards as I am not the same person I was 2 months ago. Also, I still have yet to buy my own laptop and the one I'm using SUCKS. Like big time. Hopefully I'm able to get this post published with minimal difficulty. Now, onto the real reason you're reading this...My triumphant return!!!!

Cover: This book was published in March of 1993, which is made painfully obvious by the outfits our beloved Unicorns are wearing. Those patterns are HIDEOUS!!!! Ewww. In a stunning nod to continuity, all of the girls are wearing the official club jackets they were given for their work on that stupid movie in book #2. In the background we have (from left to right) either Mandy or Lila (I'm guessing Mandy because I don't think Lila would ever wear such an ugly skirt, even in 1993), token black girl Maria, and some scary looking girl with frizzy hair. In the foreground we have one of the Wakefield twins (judging by the outfit I'm going with Liz) and some creeper guy who I'm assuming is the host of said Best Friend Game. I'm very concerned with where his right hand may be...

Flipping over, the back cover is narrated by Liz. Apparently there's a new club in town...The Eight Times Eight Club (aka- The Eights) and those bitches seem to be one-upping our beloved UC at just about everything these days. Oh snap, no they didn't!!!! DAMN!!!! The Unicorns hate them and it seems the two clubs will soon be competing against each other on some stupid game show...

Story: We begin with Liz telling us how much she loves mystery novels, and that she once got a B in her second grade class. This book is already boring the hell out of me and I'm only like 2 pages in...sigh. I MISS BRUCE!!!! Why wasn't he in any of the UC books? Anyways, as I mentally add a few paragraphs about the overall greatness that is B-Pattz, Liz babbles on about the Unicorn Club and basically recaps books 1 and 2 for us. I wish I had read this book first and spared myself the headaches of that stupid Maria book!!! Luckily, it's been awhile since I read books 1 and 2 so I am forced to pay attention. It seems the UC still has yet to replace Mr. Clarks toupee that they destroyed in book 1, so they're still trying to raise that damn $300. In the meantime, they've come up with a few very stupid solutions (ie. a video advertising spray-on hair).

Luckily, we are soon spared from that lame subplot and the real story surfaces. It seems some bitch named Amanda Harmon (who?) has started a new club at SVMS. It's a group of 8 eigth-graders that call themselves the Eight Times Eight Club. But apparently this isn't TOO important right now because the UC quickly abandons their hate session to watch their new favorite game show- The Best Friend Game. It's some crappy cable access show on channel 32. Two teams of up to eight players go head-to-head answering questions about their BFFs. The Unicorns are all obsessed with watching this crap, and they freak out when the host (Brandon Blitzen) announces that the show is looking for contestants. All they have to do is write an essay about their clique. I think you know who gets roped into writing that...

Liz quickly knocks out the essay. Of course, she makes sure to mention Mandy's 48-page battle with cancer, and the fact that Evie is Asian. She also discusses Maria's movie career, and mentions that Mary lives with her adopted family. If memory serves, Mary's mother returned BEFORE she could be adopted. I guess she abandoned Mary again. Poor girl. Liz quickly mails the essay (e-mail woulb have been faster, hun...) and the waiting begins.

To pass the time, Liz and Jess go to the daycare center and visit the poor disadvantaged children that frequent it. Jess has a fun idea for the following weekend- taking the little brats to the SVMS football game!!! Because this is Sweet Valley, 4 of the parents are allowing their children to go to this game under the supervision of the world's most irresponsible 13 year-old... This is going to end REAL well, I'm sure.

I'm assuming that all of the story thus far took place on a Friday, because the story picks up again on a Monday morning at SVMS. Jess and Lila waste no time bragging to the Eights about how they're going to be on TV. Liz reminds them that they haven't been selected yet. But Jess and Li don't care, they've lived in Sweet Valley their entire lives and they are well-aware that they WILL be chosen. That's just how life works in SV, duh Liz!!! The book gives us a little more detail about those damn Eights- they always dress exactly alike. They have matching plaid shirts and plaid scrunchies in their hair. How 1993 of them!!!

On Thursday, the UC is notified that they have been selected for the show, and they immediately begin to work on building their knowledge of one another. We learn some "interesting" favorite food trivia facts here, such as:

*Liz's favorite food is pineapple upside-down cake (I started to mark this as a continuity error here- see my "JFK" entry- but it's quickly explained that Liz learned to love pineapple in a cooking class she took the year before)
*Jess loves chocolate mousse
*Ellen likes banana chocolate chip ice cream
*Lila, of course, is more sophisticated. Her favorite is pesto spinach pizza.

We also learn a few of the girls' astrological signs:

*Maria- Capricorn
*Ellen- Pisces
*Mary- Aries
*Lila- Leo
(Of course, as soon as someone brings up Liz and Jess's birthday, they subject is quickly changed and we are left to speculate on our own.)

As luck would have it, the UC soon discovers that the Eights have also been selected to appear on the show. The Unicorns are pissed, so they blow off steam by shopping for purple outfits to wear with their club jackets. (Yet I see NO purple clothing under said jackets in the cover pic...WTF.) Liz also decides to promote the Unicorn's appearance on the show by writing an article for the school newspaper. The rest of the UC is upset that she also has to include the Eights in her article to avoid being accused of media bias. Lila handles this matter by calling in a favor and getting an article published on the front page of the local section of the Sweet Valley newspaper. There's even a giant photo of Lila to go along with it. HA!!! I love Lila. The Eights are pissed, natch, and they retailiate by slapping 8 ball stickers all over the SVMS locker rooms. This infuriates the UC because, if you recall, they're still on probation for the toupee incident, and a stunt like that might make the principal re-reconsider his decision to allow social clubs to form on school grounds. OH NO!!!! If I were a Unicorn, those Eights would get quite the talking to after school let out...maybe that's why I was not invited to join. The principal is also still bitching about his toupee money, so the UC quickly cleans up the mess made by the Eights.

The following day is the day of the football game. SVMS is playing -wait for it- BIG MESA!!!! NOOO!!! I hope there's not a rumble on the football field. I'm imagining that there will be, and those poor kids from the daycare center will be caught in the middle of it. But luckily this is still middle school and the worst drama that happens involves the Eights passing out their own special edition of the school newspaper featuring an article about their appearance on the show. Jess is so pissed about this that she manages to lose two of the children she is supervising. (Hands up if this surprises you...) Jess runs around the field in a panic, but she finds the kids before halftime starts. As she's leading them back to the group, the Eights run out onto the field and perform a special halftime cheer. Everybody applauds and is in complete awe of how awesome the Eights are, and the UC has finally had enough!!! They decide that the MUST beat the Eights (on the show, of course...damn, I was hoping for some sort of rumble) and Liz is positive that it can be accomplished. All the Unicorns have to do is practice nonstop...

To gain support, the UC hangs banners all over the school. Of course, the Eights also have banners. This leads to a standoff, and a bet is proposed. The losing club must perform "Puff the Maic Dragon" in front of the entire school!!! Awesome, I LOVED that song when I was a kid, and everytime I hear it now I think of Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents. ("You a pothead, Focker?" Haha, NetFlix it if you haven't been fortunate enough to see it!!!) Apparently both clubs consider this humilitaing for some reason, probably because they're all too absorbed in their Johnny Buck and Melody Powers cassettes to appreciate a true classic...

Finally, game show day is upon us!!! Ned and Alice show up at the studio for the taping, along with Steven and some of his friends. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL BOYS!!!! Plus, a bunch of the Unicorns' other friends are in the audience. (Wait, they have OTHER FRIENDS?!?! Who??? Bruce??? Please, please, let him show up. I miss him terribly!!!) Of course, the Eights have also brought their own supporters, AND they have matching t-shirts. Those bitches!!!! I despise them. Go Unicorns!!!

Brandon Blitzen starts the show by pairing everybody up with their own teammates and the questions begin. Because this is confusing as hell in my notes, I'm charting this out for you. We'll begin with who is being ASKED the question, followed by their answer and follow it up with the real answers in parenthesies).

*Liz, Question: What is Jessica's definition of happiness?, Answer: Shopping in Beverly Hills with Johnny Buck. (A happy, safe family...awww)
*Lila, Question: If Ellen were stranded on a desert island, what one item would she bring?, Answer: A CD player. (In typical Ellen fashion, Ellen asks WHY she is being sent to this island, and then responds with FOOD. See, she's not completely stupid, although I would have gone with a BOAT or an airplane, but that's just me.)
*Mandy, Question: What is Mary's idea of a perfect date?, Answer: Someone preppy, because Mary is preppy. (A nice person is Mary's response...well, I should hope so!!!!)
*Maria, Question: What is Evie's prized possession?, Answer: Her violin. (It's actually her grandmother's store. Evie is such a sweetie!!!)

Obviously, that round was an epic fail. It kind of pisses me off nonetheless because the questions were SOOOO general and vauge!!! Not to mention TYPICAL as hell. How does this show get ratings?!?!

On the opposite side of the stage, the Eights dominate the round and answer every question correctly. The Unicorns decide that they need to pick the most obvious, generic answers for the following round. It fails epically, and the score stands at 95-0 after the first two rounds. The final question involves Liz having to answer a question about what rating (1-10) Jess would give to the food in the school cafeteria. WTF on that, this show sucks!!! I'm changing the channel...oh wait, this is a BOOK. Damnit!!! Jess tries to cheat and tap out the answer but Liz refuses to cheat and she gets it wrong. Jess freaks out because the Unicorns look like complete idiots and the Eights win the grand prize of $25 to spend at some CD store. (Wait, $25 each, or $25 total? I'm confused...oh wait, who cares, it's finally over!!!!) In consolation, the UC receives some soap and shampoo samples and a free dinner at some place called Weird Wally's. It's described as a clown-themed restraunt that caters to little kids. Oh, the shame!!! The whole club is upset, and this leads to them all getting in some stupid fight about how they suck at being best friends or whatever. Sigh, at least it's better than the last book. I wanted to bitchslap Maria when she was wallowing in her bedroom!!!

In typical Liz fashion, Liz goes home and cries. Eventually, she gets her composure back and begins to realize that the Eights got every question correct because they are all shallow, and shallow people are incapable of independant thought. Or some shit, I honestly stopped caring like forever ago!!! Basically, the Eights are all lemmings, and the Unicorns are all just sooo individual. Liz is all like "Who cares if Lila is a Taurus? We're best friends because we SUPPORT each other, not because we try to imitate each other..." (Damn you, writers, Lila is a LEO, you told me this and I AM taking notes!!! How can you mess up the continuity like that?!?!) Either way, lesson learned, and this shit can wrap up anytime...please, it's Saturday night and I have places to be!!!! Oh, the things I do for my readers (assuming I have any left after my absense!!!!).

The following day, the Unicorns avoid each other as much as possible. Liz tries to reason with everyone, but even Mandy blows her off. Not helping the situation any, a group of boys stages a "Worst Enemies" show in the cafeteria at lunchtime. Basically they really only make fun of Ellen, which infuriates me to no end!!!! I actually like her...those guys are total douchebags, IMHO. The Eights approach Liz and demand to hear "Puff the Magic Dragon", and Liz promises to deliver a performance on Monday.

School ends, and we pick back up the folowing morning. Conveniently, the Unicorns had previously volunteered to run some sort of open house at the daycare center. (Sidenote: What kind of establishment allows a group of 13 year-olds to oversee an operation such as this? I could see this happening in Stoneybrook, but this is NOT a BSC book, and I am beginning to wonder if the writers are aware of this. I miss the OLD Unicorn Club!!!! They would NEVER waste their precious Saturdays doing this shit!!!) Because all of the kids will be there, Liz finds it imperative that the Unicorns put aside their differences and band together so the kids aren't upset. Because, if you recall, those daycare center brats rallied to save the club back in book 1...again, biting the BSC, damn!!! So Liz goes on Def-con and somehow manages to talk Mandy into calling an emergency meeting. Everybody shows up, but nobody bothers to put any effort into their appearance, so you know they just don't care!!! Nobody is wearing anything purple, OMFG!!!! They all act like total bitches to each other and argue some more about why they lost. Liz eventually convinces them that they are still best friends, because their differences are what make each of them special. And, since the Eights are all essentially the same person, the Eights suck. Whatever, I was over this like 2 chapters ago. Liz fixes the situation, and then the Unicorns realize that they still have to hold up their end of the bet. Luckily, Liz has a plan for that as well... MODERNIZATION!!!! They're going to perform a RAP version, complete with a dance!!!! Leave it to Liz to ruin what might have been the ONLY enjoyable moment of this book. Bitch.

Monday arrives, and the Eights start the day by harassing the Unicorns about their obligation. The Unicorns fake distress and whine about how humiliating it is and how tough the song was to learn. The Eights laugh at them, but they are quickly silenced when the Unicorns enter the cafeteria rocking sideways purple hats with green dragons on them. (Were those hats made by Ed Hardy? I think so.) The Unicorns launch right into their routine and everybody loves it. People actually stand up and start dancing to the beat. Only in Sweet Valley!!!! The Eights slink out of the caf in defeat and the Unicorns all congratulate each other on a fabulous performance.

Unfortunately, Mr. Clark is waiting outside the cafeteria. He is still on that toupee thing (seriously? It's been 2 whole books dude, get over it!!!), and he drags the Unicorns into his office for a little chat. Amazingly, he then reveals that all of their stupid alternative suggestions for curing his baldness have led him to the revelation that bald is beautiful. He no longer feels the need to hide it, so he agrees to let them off the hook. Well, not entirely...he wants $100 from them. But he plans to use the money to fund a beach volleyball court AND the Unicorns will get a plaque informing all future students that they sponsored it. Way to re-enforce their negative behavior, guy.

The book concludes with the Unicorns leaving the office. They're still BFFs and it's all good (for now) so the story can end anytime now... On the way back to class, Lila announces that she's going to the daycare center after school to visit her favorite child, Ellie. Liz hears this and begins to think about the time that Ellie ran away to Lila's mansion... Thus setting up book 4, which I do not own, but I DO remember reading it!!! It was a favorite, actually, so if anyone has a copy feel free to send it my way :)

Conclusion: Seriously, could I have chosen a more boring book to recap?!?! Probably not, but at least I finally got a recap posted!!!! Hopefully I will be buying my new laptop within the next week or so, which will allow me to post at my normal rate again!!!! I missed this more than you will ever know, and I thank you for sticking by me during all of this. I have no shortage of appreciation for all of you guys, and I hope I was able to entertain you.

The Unicorn Club #2 - Maria's Movie Comeback

Intro:
I must apologize for recapping out of order here, but I did not plan on doing a UC book. I just couldn't resist when I saw this on the shelf at the used book store, especially since I haven't read a Unicorn Club book in ages. I know I read most of them, but this was one of the first ones that I read, so I don't remember much of it. Sorry to all you OCD readers out there, I couldn't locate book #1 first!!!!

Cover:
From left to right we have some random Asian girl (Jade Wu?), Jessica (wearing a very stupid hat), Maria (oooh, she's THAT Maria, I can never keep my Marias straight!!!), and some girl rocking some jeggings. Mystery girl looks like Lindsay Lohan, so I will assume that is who she is until I am told otherwise.

The back cover of this fine novel is the most confusing thing I have ever read. It begins, oddly, with "Pfew!" Whatever that means. Maria is narrating this one, and it appears to be autographed by her!!! WOW, remind me to E-Bay this copy!!! Maria goes onto tell us that the UC is trying to raise money for a new hairpiece for their principal, Mr. Clark. Jess stole his old one, I guess. To accomplish this, they got jobs, but then the roof caved in at this daycare center where they volunteer. Maria confuses the hell out of me by saying, "Mr. Clark's roof was one thing..." (I now begin to mourn the loss of the daycare center's hairpiece!!!) so now Maria is going to be in some movie to raise the money for the roof and the hairpiece (wait, I thought they got jobs to cover that? What the hell? I am SO confused right now.) and she's all worked up over having to kiss some "super-hunk" on camera.

The back cover also (helpfully) lists the entire Unicorn Club for me: Lila, Mary, Jessica, Ellen, Maria, Elizabeth, Mandy, and Evie. (Oh, now I know who the Asian girl on the cover is!!! I always liked Evie!!!)

This book was published in February of 1994, and the author is listed as Alice Nicole Johansson. I cheer inwardly because of my intense hatred of Jamie Suzanne.

Recap:
We begin with a Unicorn Club (UC, as I like to call it) meeting at Mandy's house. Maria, one of the newest Unicorns wastes no time launching into a description of the UC. Janet Howell has gone onto high school (NOOOO!!!!), and Mandy Miller appears to have taken over. But, since Mandy is in charge, the Unicorns are all nice and shit. Mandy's philosophy: "A good club brings out the best in its' members, not the worst". The UC is no longer all snobby and boy-crazed. They've even let ELIZABETH join, and now they ALL do charity work. Apparently, this charity work is a new thing.

You see, in book #1, the UC got into a DARE WAR to see who was fit to replace Janet. Things spiraled out of control, and Jess and Lila ended up stealing the principal's toupee. Jess also painted a purple stripe down an entire hallway of lockers, so now Jess has to repaint in addition to replacing the toupee. Mr. Clark was so pissed that he sentenced the entire UC to 30 hours of community service and placed them on probation. They ended up working at the daycare center, and they are actually enjoying it.

Next, Maria describes each member of the club. I'll keep it simple:
Mandy: President, full of sensible solutions and common sense (wait- are we talking about LIZ?!?!), free spirit, and a thrifty fashionista who can put together amazing outfits for dirt cheap.
Mary: Sweet, preppy, blonde.
Lila: Lives like a Beverly Hills movie star, has a rich dad. Lila is secretly very sweet and charitable. She likes to give money to poor people.
Ellen: Hard-to-read, ditsy and funny, but kind of a follower. (Ouch, Maria is a bit MEAN if you ask me.)
Jess and Liz: Twins (duh!), Liz is down to earth and brilliant; Jess is spaced out and basically stupid when it come to school. Jess always causes trouble and expects to be bailed out by Liz. Liz has vowed not to let Jess drag her into so much shit this year...yeah, right!!! Liz is also Maria's BFF.
Maria: Former child star, was once on the cover of "FOLKS" magazine (obvious rip-off!!!) with her dazzling smile. Star of macaroni and toilet paper commercials, TV, and a few movies. She hit an awkward age and the parts stopped coming, so her parents moved her to Sweet Valley with her older sister Nina. Maria's dad is a financial analyst for a big accounting firm, so you know he didn't screw her out of any of her Hollywood $$$. Apparently, Maria's parents are straight stupid, however, they believe SVMS is one of the finest middle schools in the country. Okay then...keep believing that.

Anyways, back to our recap-within-a-recap, book #1 ends with the kids from the daycare center going to Mr. Clark and protesting his banishment of the Unicorn Club. They made signs and protested, and it seems more appropriate for a BSC book. Luckily, Mr. Clark agreed not to banish the UC. Instead, the girls must pay for the damages and do their community service...

Back to the present, the UC is brainstorming to raise money. Mandy looks down at her outfit and inspiration strikes. (Her outfit- baggy canvas pants, a ribbed T-shirt, a string vest, and a hat like a Smurf would wear...yes, Maria tells us that.) Mandy shops at thrift stores (duh), and there's a new one in Sweet Valley called the Attic. The owner is looking for somebody to work the closing shift while she is out of town for 2 weeks. It's from 3:30 to 6:30, so it works out perfectly for the Unicorns. And I seriously question the sanity of anyone who would even consider hiring a crew of 13 years olds to operate a business...

Maria leaves the meeting with Liz. She tells Liz that she auditioned for the lead in the upcoming SVMS play. Maria is positive that she will get it (wow, cocky much?), and Liz reassures her that nobody is more talented than THE Maria Slater, child STAR!!! Maria agrees, of course. Liz also shows Maria an article she found in some random paper. It seems that a director by the name of Tom Sanders is coming to Sweet Valley to shoot an indie/teen flick!!!!

Liz and Maria speculate that this is happening because a movie was filmed in SV the previous year. Yes, it was that damn RUBY NECKLACE movie!!! Maria mentioned that the director (who is now a MALE...what happened to Becka? Sex change, I imagine) had a REAL monster in the movie- Shawn Brockaway. My heart aches when I realize that this means that, even a year later, no one has noticed that Shawn obviously needs either a break from acting, or psychiatric help and a good emancipation lawyer... That poor, poor child. I hope she isn't in this movie, because watching her inward turmoil is truly heart-wrenching.

The following day, Mandy and Maria go to the Attic to apply for the positions. The store's inventory looks familiar to Maria, and she soon learns why. The owner, Clara Kim, is also a former actress. She met Maria while they were filming a diaper commercial, and they filmed a TV movie together a few summers prior. Clara has moved to SV with her granddaughter, Evie. (Wait, they're just meeting Evie NOW? But she's listed as a UC member on the back of the book. Way to spoil this one!!!) Evie is a year younger than Maria, but they used to be great friends. Evie obviously lives with Clara because she was on set everyday, and Maria visited Evie at Clara's every weekend while filming. Maria wonders why Clara is selling all of her furniture...

Evie shows up just then, carrying a violin case and acting shy. Maria does not remember her being shy at all, so she is suspicious of the situation. Clara explains that, as she aged, work became harder and harder to get and she began to go broke. She sold her huge Beverly Hills estate and moved to SV where living is cheaper. Clara is desperate for money, so she's going to NYC to meet with people who can get her jobs. Evie will be staying home, and working a few hours. Clara says that Evie is super talented, and that her violin will have to always be her #1 priority, and I begin to wonder if Clara is a stage grandmother. She's obviously trying to make Evie famous, and I question her motives. Maria is thrilled to have Evie back in her life. Evie used to follow Maria everywhere like a shadow, and Maria loved being worshiped. Clara hires them on the spot, and Maria runs to tell Liz the good news.

At Casa Wakefield, Liz and Maria decide to make it a point to befriend Evie ASAP. Because, you know, they LOVE a good excuse to make someone a charity case. And Evie is a perfect victim for this. That poor girl obviously had low self-esteem from the moment she met Maria, and throw in a broke grandmother (PLUS, no parent)... Interrupting this, the rest of the UC returns home from buying locker paint. Well, they ordered the paint and will have to pick it up later. In the meantime, they've outfitted themselves in cute painting clothes. Jess imagines it will only take an hour to paint the lockers (not likely, trust me!!!), so she begins a long string of putting off going back to get the paint. It continues for most of the book, and I won't bother to mention it each time. The Unicorns also brought home like a million pieces of paper with paint colors on them. I like to do that when I go to hardward stores, even if I'm not painting anything. I just like to explore my options.

Maria goes home and tells her family all about Clara. Her mom promises to invite Clara and Evie over for dinner as soon as Clara returns. Maria is pleased, and she -bitchily- thinks how it's about damn time that somebody did something nice for Clara and Evie. Since, you know, they're all broke and shit.

The following day, the UC goes to service the community by going to the daycare center. Maria explains how it's a non-profit place, and most of the families are poor and disadvantaged. The families rely on the center to watch their children while they look for work (or sit at the welfare office, as Maria probably assumes). The Unicorns have bonded with the children that frequent the place, and we get a description of some of them.

Sadly, the UC arrives to find the center's roof has caved in!!! Nobody was hurt, but the law prohibits having kids in such conditions, so the center is forced to shut down. Since they're non-profit, they have zero money to fix the damages, and all of the parents whine about this to the Unicorns as they collect their kids. The mother of a little Asian boy named Arthur Foo (he has like 20 brothers and sisters) is particularly upset. She cannot miss work, so her oldest son will have to stop going to college so somebody can watch Arthur. She actually ASKS if school attendance is mandatory for children under 16, and she seems to be disappointed by the fact that it is. I think somebody should really be calling CPS right about now... Ellie (Lila's favorite child at the shelter, she even got her mother a job working for Mr. F.!!!) is very upset, and her mother is devastated that she will have to miss work to watch her. She believes she may get fired. (So she can dump her problems on 13 year olds, but she stops shy of ASKING Lila to explain this to her father? Knowing Lila gets whatever she wants? Wow, Mrs. Ellie is none-too-smart.) QUICK, CALL THE BSC!!!! I bet Kristy Thomas would already have shown up with emergency babysitting reinforcements had this happened in Stoneybrook...

Maria and Mandy start working that afternoon. Since this is SV, they spend much of their shift trying on clothes. (I work retail and you can get FIRED for doing that if it isn't your scheduled break... This is exactly why you do NOT hire 13 year olds!!!) The rest of the UC shows up to keep them company, and Maria gets her Derek Zoolander on by giving them an impromptu fashion show with outfits created by Mandy. Suddenly, Tom Sanders (indie director mentioned earlier) strolls in and declares that their style is perfect for his movie, "Secondhand Rose". He recognizes Maria right away, and -creepily- tells her that he's been a fan since her first commercial (wait...she did DIAPER commercials, dude!!!) and she'll be perfect for a small part in his newest teen movie. It's low-budget and indie, but all of his movies have been successful. Tommy boy is the mastermind behind such winners as "Teen Magic" and "Prom Secret", and all of the Unicorns are fans. He offers Maria double scale for her work, and she holds out for triple because she is in desperate need of some serious cash flow. He agrees without so much as a second thought. Because Maria is just THAT great.

Maria's parents agree to let her do the movie even though they wanted her to be a normal girl. They think she's being unselfish by donating her earnings, so the daycare center is saved!!!! Yay!!!

At school, Maria continues Project Evie. She invites her little minion to sit with the UC at lunch, and Evie immediately raves about how famous Maria was and how great she is. The UC is hurt that Maria never told them exactly how successful her career was, so they quickly change the subject to Evie. Evie readily tells them how broke her grandmother is before leaving to practice her violin. As soon as she's gone, the UC agrees to make Project Evie a team effort. They decide to start a thrift store clothing trend so Clara will make lots of money and not be so broke.

Maria's day goes from bad to worse when she gets an essay back and sees a "B" instead of the "A" she wanted. She tries to talk the teacher into changing it with one of her famous smiles, but he doesn't fall for it. Maria is beginning to think she's lost her mojo. It gets even worse when Maria goes to work and is unable to sell some furniture to some snobby rich people. They don't even recognize her!!!! Oh, the HORROR!!!! NOT!!!! Deal with it, bitch.

Things progress even further when Maria's script is delivered. She learns that she has a KISSING SCENE. She's never done one before because she was too young, but now she has to kiss a super-hottie named Brad Marshall. He's like the hottest teen star ever. Like, hotter than Zac Efron and Justin Bieber combined!!! Maria's worked with him before, and she has a HUGE secret crush on him. (The book says she's "in crush" with him, whatever that means...) Oh shit!!! Nobody knows about this, but I imagine they soon will.

The UC debuts their thrift store getups the next day at school. Liz wears a pink cashmere sweater set with a poodle skirt and pearls, and nobody is surprised at all. But, as for the rest of the UC, they look SMASHING!!!! Everybody is shocked by how awesome they look, and nobody believes that their outfits were each less than $15. Randy Mason (super-nerd) "volunteers" to be made over, and the UC turns him into the "Prince of Trendy" by combining elements of Buddy Holly, Elvis, and James Dean. All sexy men, but not exactly "trendy", even in 1994. Everybody from SVMS shows up at the store to watch the makeover, and to buy outfits styled by Mandy. Evie is in awe of the boom in business, and Jess chooses that moment to inform Evie that they're doing it so she won't be so broke anymore. Maria expects Evie to get pissed, but Evie merely thanks them and hugs them because she appreciates it. What a nice girl!!!!

As the day of the shoot draws near, Maria begins to doubt herself and she starts to have panic attacks. She talks about this to her sister, and Nina tells her that she'll be just fine. Maria only thinks she sucks, but it's actually just her style that's changed. She's like, more mature now. Maria is doubtful of this, and she also begins to feel super ugly and even more awkward than before. None of this is helped by the fact that Maria is informed that she will NOT be the lead in the school play.

Maria holds it all inside and goes to school like she always does. Tom randomly shows up one day and wants to shoot some photos of Maria at school. He thinks it will be great publicity for the movie, and the principal agrees to it. Tom follows Maria around and notices how fashion-y everybody is dressed. He loves it, and instantly decides to film Maria's scene at SVMS, in front of the lockers that Jess STILL hasn't painted. So now Maria has to kiss Brad in front of EVERYBODY. Tom even wants to use SVMS students as extras, as long as everybody wears clothing chosen by Mandy. The principal agrees to it, but he insists that Jess paint the lockers before filming. Brad appears just then and kisses Maria on the cheek. Maria is now even more freaked because Brad = super gorgeous.

Maris thinks things over, and she raises a moral question. All of the Unicorns feel responsible for saving the center and replacing the toupee, even if Jess caused most of the chaos. Maria wonders if it is truly HER sole responsibility to buy the center a new roof. (I think they should have INSURANCE, but don't tell Maria because I want that insufferable bitch to SUFFER!!!!!!!) Maria proves just how insufferable by faking sick and getting sympathy from MANDY MILLER. Dude, she had CANCER, you bitch!!! Maria so generously agrees to cover Mandy's shift at the Attic so that Mandy can go to the doctor and make sure she hasn't gotten cancer again. Maria practices lying to Tom in the emptiness of the store, desperate to back out of the film. Evie comes home early and hears her.

This time, Evie doesn't hold back. She lets loose and yells at Maria for letting everybody down. She's disgusted by how easily Maria is giving up, and she lets her know this. She calls Maria a fake actress and basically tells her she sucks as a human being. See, I knew there was a reason why I liked Evie!!! Maris goes home and cries about it.

Maria's mom knows something's up with Maria, but even she thinks Maria is a terrible person for wanting to back out of her promise. She tells Maria that, ultimately, the decision is hers alone, so Maria will need to call Tom herself if she plans on backing out. Maria doesn't want to let the kids down, so she thinks about it for two days. Her mom LETS her skip school to mope around in her pajamas, and she writes down all of Maria's ignored calls for her. (Mommy = enabler. Maria will never stop being such an intolerable brat if she is allowed to behave this way. If she was my kid, this would NOT be happening!!!)

Finally, the UC has had enough of Maria's little tantrum. They all join forces and show up randomly at Maria's. Evie is with them and she tells Maria that this intervention was her idea. She feels bad about the things she said, and she started to worry about Maria's selfish ass after 2 days of nobody being able to contact her. Tom has also called her friends, desperate to reach her. Maria continues to play sick, but the UC knows it's BS. They pretend that Brad is with them, and after Maria jumps up in a frantic rush to get pretty-looking, they call her on her shit. Obviously, Maria is SO not sick!!! Everybody talks about how everybody is allowed to have their own private problems, but this has become a group problem now that Maria promised the center their new roof. Maria finally cracks and admits that she sucks at acting and doesn't want anybody to see her fail. Everybody is super-understanding, and they promise to be her friends no matter what happens. (This type of shit would NEVER go down under Janet Howell's command...Maria would have been blacklisted for even thinking she was cut out to be a Unicorn. Dammit, Janet, why did you have to go to high school?!?!) Amazingly, Clara picks this moment to return from NY. Evie left a note saying there was an emergency at Maria's, and Clara ran over as soon as she got home. Clara sets Maria straight about her acting skills, and Maria agrees to try because it's obvious everybody loves her so much.

Remember the Jessica subplot? She's put off painting the lockers as long as humanly possible (2 entire weeks!!!), so the UC is forced to sneak into the school and paint the ruined lockers on the day of the movie shoot. They break in and open the paint cans, only to realize that the paint guys messed up on the color. Instead of the ugly Industrial Pink, they ended up with IMPERIAL Pink. It's like, bubblegum pink!!! Electric pink, candy-heart pink... Awesome!!! I love pink!!! With no time to waste, they quickly slap the paint onto the lockers and run off to change for the shoot. Evie wears the outfit she has on in the cover photo, but nobody else wears anything even remotely close, and Maria thinks that Evie just may be the prettiest girl in the group. (Oh, the blasphemy!!!! NOBODY is prettier than a Wakefield. Nobody!!!!)

Mr. Clark sees the lockers and is pretty pissed about the color, but Tom loves it so the shooting begins... Maria gets totally into character and just lets her acting juices flow. The kiss goes flawlessly, and Maria realizes that she doesn't suck after all. She gets her scene shot in ONE take (take that, Shawn Brockaway!!!! And not one of the extras messed up this time!!!!), but disaster strikes as she does a reaction shot. She swoons into the freshly painted lockers, and Jess jumps into the scene with a WET PAINT sign. Maria stays in character and goes with it. Tom, of course, LOVES it and decides to leave it exactly like it is, Jess and all. With shooting complete, Tom writes Maria a check. The UC stands beside her and admires the production crew's matching jackets. They talk about getting their own UC jackets as soon as they get out of debt. (They still have to pay Mr. Clark for his hairpiece, I guess. Another thing that would never happen under Janet... Remember Mandy's cancer? The UC got her a wig like 1 page into her illness!!!) With the check in hand, they quickly run to the daycare center. (Wait- they didn't have to go to CLASS?!?! Was school canceled for the day? So much for SVMS being one of the finest schools in the country...)

The story wraps up one week later at the next UC meeting. Mandy has 2 letter to share. One is from the daycare center director, thanking them for their hard work, and the other is from Clara, thanking them for watching the store. Clara paid them DOUBLE for the increase in business (wait, I thought she was BROKE?!?!), but that still isn't enough to cover the correct paint for the lockers and Mr. C's toupee. Sigh, maybe they shouldn't have gotten him that roof they mentioned on the back cover!!!! Mandy also has another surprise. Tom sent her a mysterious box!!! (No, no Justin Timberlake reference will be made here, because I like Mandy, and I would probably have sent her a gift simply for the fact that she has to put up with this Maria bitch on a daily basis!!!!) Inside the box are purple satin jackets for everyone!!! The even say UNICORNS on the back, and each girl has her name on the front. Also, each jacket is tailored differently for each girl. Ellen's fits perfectly, Liz's is on the snug side (why?), Jess's has a funky baginess to it, Lila's has an elegant flair in the back, and Mandy's is HUGE, with she loves. Weird, I know.

At the bottom of the box is another jacket. It doesn't have a name, just a patch sewn over where the name would go. Mandy suggests giving it to Evie and letting her join the club. Maria seconds that, and Evie (who has been waiting outside) runs in to thank them, Mandy pulls a loose thread on the patch and reveals Evie's name. Awww... And thus, the UC is complete (for now...)

Oh wait, we still have one more matter to discuss, as much as it pains me. Remember Maria being passed up for the lead in the school play? She meets with the drama coach and demands to know why. The teacher inflates Maria's (already bloated) ego by saying that the role would not have been a challenge for THE Maria Slater. School is a place of learning, and Maria already knew what the teacher was trying to teach. The girl who got the part is less experienced, and she will stand to gain much more experience than Maria would have. Maria accepts this, and I feel cheated because I thought this would be the end, but it ISN'T...

Maria leaves the drama room and Evie is waiting for her. Evie wants to ask Maria some questions about herself because she (Evie) has been watching a cable show called "The Best Friend Game". It's a trivia show where groups of friends test the knowledge about one another, and Evie is curious to see how well the Unicorns know each other. (I wonder why...) Maria assures her that the UC is likethis, and that they know EVERYTHING about each other. But she secretly doubts this, and a poster for a fund raiser being held by a club know as the Eight Times Eight catches her eye. She begins to wonder who these bitches are...


****The SarahLynn Perspective****
*Maria is a BITCH. First-class style!!!! Seriously, her thoughts are always so self-righteous and condescending. And the way she treats Evie like her own personal charity case is sickening. Just because somebody doesn't have millions of movie dollars like you do, it doesn't mean they're not happy!!!! And Maria has a SUPER EGO, for real.
*What are the odds of there being TWO charitable good-girls' clubs at one middle school?!?! I think those Eight Times Eight hos are in for a beatdown, Unicorn-style!!! (Well, if JANET was in charge, they would be...)