SVT Super Chiller #6- The Curse of the Golden Heart

Into- I'm back! I was going to do the entire Jungle Prom story arc for my triumphant return, but I decided to do a totally random recap, just to get the feel of things again. Today, we recap and revisit a Super Chiller ghostwritten by Jamie Suzanne in June of 1994. I was 8 1/2 when this was published, so I'm sure it was very scary band intriguing back then. Let's see if it stands the test of time...

 Cover- I'm having trouble uploading a cover imagine, but there's not much going on anyways. We have the Twins scuba diving near a shipwreck and Liz is holding the aforementioned Golden Heart. It did not happen like this in the book, naturally. Also, this book is from the "And Friends" era. I never understood why they bothered with that subtitle, since every book centered around the Twins meddling in someone's life anyways.

Recap- It's Spring Break in Sweet Valley (again)! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall the Twins going to Great Aunt Helen's haunted hotel, AND also to San Diego for Spring Break...maybe they get a month off or something? Anyways, they're at the beach with Lila, Steven, and Joe Howell. The Twins decide to go snorkeling at a place called Pirate's Cove even though it has a bad reputation for dangerous waters and shady beach guys. Jess immediately ditches Liz in the water, of course. Liz thinks she sees a shipwreck and starts collection junk. She finds a handle from an old cup, a fishing reel, some shells, and a rusty object covered in barnacles. And I totally have NO idea what that object will turn out to be...*sigh*, I forgot how predictable these books are. As she's searching, a weird current comes out of nowhere and she almost drowns. But, she doesn't and I'm sad.

 They leave the water and see some creepy old guy in full diving gear staring at them. Add in a random throwaway paragraph where they run into their neighbor Mr. Walker. He mentions that he's leaving the next day for Colorado (probably because marijuana is legal there, and it's pretty cool). I thought that would be important to the story, so I took the time to write it down. Trust me, nothing comes of this and I'm not sure why it was even mentioned.

The Twins return to the beach the next day. Janet and Amy Slutton join them (and I mentally ponder exactly how Janet and Lila are related. I know they're cousins, but which parent is related to which? We never really see Mr. Fowler giving Janet any special gifts or anything, so maybe her mom and Lila's mom are sisters?). Joe and Steven find a conveniently-placed flyer for scuba lessons at Pirate's Cove and everyone signs up. Side note: the lessons will be held at a "seedy" shack, and I'm already seeing numerous red flags. They meet the instructor and he's a Scottish guy named Joshua Farrell. Turns out he was the creepy guy Liz and Jess saw near the shipwreck!

 The Twins and Steven rent their scuba gear, while Lila's dad buys hers. She even has a purple wetsuit! I love her so much. As they're getting ready for their first lesson, letters arrive for the Twins. They're super old looking and written in fancy script and seem to be a chain letter. Something about The Curse of Carlotta and how something has been taken from the sea. Carlotta is pretty unhappy about this, and warns them that they too will be cursed if they don't send 6 copies of the letter to their friends...uh oh.

 This is apparently important enough for the Unicorns to hold an emergency meeting. Ellen is confused, naturally. Lila can't send out her letters because her dad's secretary is on vacation (have I mentioned how much I love Lila?!) and I sense trouble. Liz also refuses to send out her letters, because she's an idiot. Good, let her be cursed and drown so she can't steal Bruce from me in the future. Also, where is Bruce?! I hope he's spending his spring break planning our wedding, but I digress.

 Liz has a nightmare about being on a sinking ship. As she's trying to escape (and I'm crossing my fingers that she doesn't), she sees an older man and a man with a red beard sword fighting. The old man calls the red bearded man a traitor and the red bearded man tells a beautiful dark haired woman named Carlotta to escape. She refuses to go without him. As Liz wakes up, she has the fleeting thought that the red bearded guy looks like Joshua Farrell. Scuba lessons officially start the next day so everyone (including Lila, which I find to be absolute bullshit) takes the bus to the beach. They sit through a 2 hour safety class but then aren't even able to go in the water because Joshua thinks it's too rough. As they prepare to leave, Lila realizes that she's lost her super fancy expensive diving watch. Bummer. Jess sleeps over at Fowler Crest that night. She treats us to a description of Lila's super pimp private bathroom. Lila has her own shower AND a whirlpool tub. She even has special lavender monogram towels AND her own phone next to the tub. I'm jealous, because my bathroom is nice but it only has a shower! I miss taking bubble baths, damnit. Lila breaks a nail and rips her robe while Jess is in the bathroom. She also falls down and Mrs Pervis comes upstairs. She's worried about Lila because apparently Lila fell down the stairs that morning, followed by a slip on the kitchen floor, and a collision with the cabinets. Lila convinces her that she's just clumsy, but we all know it's that damn curse. Lila decides to do her letters all by herself but, when she pulls out her top of the line/super expensive fountain pen, ink explodes everywhere! She decides to type them on Mr. F's computer (because it's 1994 and computers cost like a million and five dollars, so she doesn't have her own yet), but the entire computer crashes. Fuck.

 Another day, another diving lesson. Liz goes to look for Joshua at his shack (the number on the shack is 1779, and that could be important later), and sees him sitting at his table. She goes in to get his attention, but it turns out to just be an empty wetsuit! Omg, I'm like totally super chilled right now...not. They partner up for lessons and nobody picks Liz (hahaha, I love this) so she's partnered with Joshua. As she's swimming underwater, she looks into his mask and sees nothing! Totally empty! Omg! The only cool thing that happens in this chapter is that she almost drowns again out of fear. But sadly, today is not my lucky day. At this point, I'm getting really bored with this book, so I crack a beer. It's a pretty good beer. 7% ABV, Extra IPA. It's more interesting than a book where Liz keeps escaping death.

 Lila comes over that night, super upset. Apparently, the computer managed to send the letter to EVERYONE involved with Fowler Enterprises! Mr. F is NOT pleased and he's going to ground Lila when/if he ever comes back from his business trip! He might even take away her allowance! When Lila leaves, Liz notices that another letter has arrived. She keeps trying to figure out what she has that this Carlotta bitch wants, but of course she still has no idea. She looks over her "treasure box" another time, and tosses the rusty barnacle object into the trash. She has another dream that night about Carlotta and the red beard guy.

 Lila comes up with the brilliant idea that Liz can just read the letter onto a tape, make copies, and play them for people. But, when they go to record, the tape starts saying "Curse of Carlotta" in a scratchy voice. Liz smashed the tape and is still like "fuck these letters"! Idiot. Nothing much happens for like half a chapter, except for Liz finding a scorpion in her lunch and then deciding not to participate in her scuba lesson. Then, randomly, some employee from Fowler Enterprises shows up on her doorstep and asks about the curse. His name is John Filber (oh good, at least it's not Pfeifer) and the curse is significant to his family. Liz and Jess agree to meet him at the beach the next day so he can show them something... nope, totally doesn't sound shady at all, this is a great idea!!!! I hope he drowns Liz, Crazy Margo Style! Sadly, he doesn't. He just shows them something metallic that's been embedded in coral for like 200 years. Apparently his great great great great grandfather showed his great great great grandfather, and the tradition continues. John can't touch it for some reason, but the Twins start getting ideas. Finally, this book is taking forever and I need another beer. Liz thinks about how John reminds her of Joshua.

 That night, they have a fire on the beach and Joshua tells ghost stories (because hanging around at night with a bunch of 12-14 year olds is totally not creepy enough already). Liz asks about the shipwreck, and finally we get some exposition...

 In 1779, a pirate named Red Beard (I bet the writers put SO much thought into that name) had amassed a great fortune from doing pirate stuff. He buried it off the coast of the Bee World, and made a map. One day, he overtakes a governor's ship and finds his greatest treasure of all, the governor's niece Carlotta. Since she's all noble and shit, she can't marry a pirate even though she's totally taken with his sexy ginger beard and cool pirate outfit, so he gives up piracy (or is it "pirating"?) and the governor pardons him and his men. He gives Red Beard a locket with his coat of arms on it and Red Beard gives half of it to Carlotta. I think it's slightly rude to destroy such a nice gift. Then, one night, as Red and Carlotta are sailing around doing non-pirate things, a storm hits! The ship's bosun (whatever that is, I'm too lazy to research it) isn't at his post because he's looking for Red's map, so the ship sinks and everyone dies. The legend is that the bosun's ghost can't rest until the 2 halves of the locket (and thus Carlotta and Red) are reunited.

 Liz looks at the letters later and realize that they're dated 1779, and that it's the same as the address of Joshua's shack! Omg, is he a Pirate Ghost?! Does anyone remember that episode of South Park? she gets another letter, basically saying the same shit about how Carlotta wants her stuff back, but Liz is dumb and still hasn't figured it out. Steven comes to collect her trash and complains about the rusty barnacle object almost ripping the bag. Finally, Liz gets her head out of her ass and realizes this could be important. She cleans it up and (duh), it's Carlotta's half of the locket!!! It has half of a map on it! They're gonna be rich! She then realizes that John's relative was the ship's bosun and that's why he can't touch the locket. Ok, whatever. Jessica wants to buy a Rolls Royce and a mansion in Hollywood for their parents, and Steven wants to buy the LA Rams. (Fun fact time! The LA Rams moved to St. Louis in 1995, and then returned to LA in 2016).

 Liz still isn't sure about this whole thing, so she decides to go to the library the next day. Nerd. She toddles off to the big downtown library and along the way she noticed that Sweet Valley could really use more benches. And that the big town clock has been broken for years but the town is using their resources for other projects. She thinks about how nice it would be to "grant all of Sweet Valley's civic wishes" by updating the homeless shelter and filling the daycare with new toys. And I vomit. You go do that, Saint Elizabeth, and Steven and I will be over here, enjoying our football team. Maybe we'll buy the Red Sox too, and the Lakers. The librarian, Mr. Dallas (I wonder if he's any relation to Aaron Dallas) shows Liz some info about the shipwreck, along with a convenient list of all crew members on board. As she's leaving the library, Steven jumps out of the bushes and grabs her. He's been following her all day and has noticed that John is also following her. Creeper. They run home to hide and create a plan for retrieving the other half of the locket.

 Liz has another lame dream about Carlotta, and learns that Carlotta isn't the one cursing her. Apparently, the bosun is responsible for the curse. Because, he's a dick. The Twins and Steven go to the beach at night (and it's raining, because of course it is). Steven dives down with a hammer and smashes the coral until the locket is free. As he surfaces, John reveals himself to have been hiding under the pier. He grabs it and is all like "bwahahah! I'm rich, fuckers! Peace out!" But, as he runs away, he trips and the locket falls into the sea. Liz sees a ghostly figure walking further down the beach, but then it disappears. So nobody's rich and we never find out what the treasure was. Liz reveals later to Jess and Steven that Joshua was listed as the bosun and he survived the wreck. He died a tortured soul in Pirate's Cove. The book ends with Liz having a dream about Red and Carlotta being reunited on a ship.

 Afterthoughts- Why did they allude to Red Beard looking so much like Joshua if Joshua was actually the bosun? Was there just like a whole crew of ginger pirates in 1779 Sweet Valley, or is it a literal red herring?! (Lol, see what I did there?!). Overall, this book was pretty terrible but now I've read it so you don't have to. You're welcome.

SVT Super Chiller #5 - The Curse of the Ruby Necklace

Intro:
Today's recap features one of my favorite Super Chillers- The Curse of the Ruby Necklace. It was published in June of 1993 and it was one of the first SVT books I ever read. I re-read it several times and I remember that it featured one of my favorite characters -ROBIN!!!! I really loved the books about her and Stacey (who is mysteriously omitted from this book entirely). Again, Jamie Suzanne is credited as the author, but after reading this book, I am positive that this is NOT the same ghostwriter that wrote the others I've read recently. Proof of this is everywhere...Liz is SUPER stupid in this one, and she only cries ONCE. That is NOT the Liz I know. Plus, only TWO meals are mentioned (although there are numerous mentions of cake and ice cream throughout).

Cover Reaction:
The twins are at the beach, and it appears to be storming. I believe Jess is the one in the purple top. She appears not to have a bellybutton, and she's holding the ruby necklace. In the background we can see a large house on a cliff, plus a flash of lightning. Super chilling.

Recap:
We begin with Jess and Liz taking a stroll on the beach. Jess spots a glittering object in the sand and "pounces" on it. She nearly gets swept out to sea by a large wave, but she manages to retrieve the object. It's a necklace covered in dirt and barnacles (Jess tells us this, although I wonder how she knows what barnacle are since Liz has no idea later in the book and it has to get explained to her). Ewwww. She puts it in her pocket and refuses to show it to the ever-curious Liz. Instead, she drags Liz down the beach. It seems a movie is being filmed at the creepy old mansion on the cover of the book. The creepy mansion is also known as the Keller Mansion, and it's been abandoned for years. Movie crews and some Hollywood people have recently started pre-production and Jess is desperate to be in the movie. Liz follows along after Jess points out that she can write about the movie for the Sixers. Liz warns Jess not to expect to simply walk on the set and be offered a part in the movie. Of course, that's exactly what happens.
As soon as they arrive, they meet the director, Becka Silver. She is THRILLED to see them, and she immediately casts them as extras in the movie. And, because of child labor laws, Jess and Liz will be playing one part (like Mary-Kate and Ashley on Full House). Coincidentally, the movie is about a 12 year old girl named Lillian. The title is "Dead Little Rich Girl", and I think that sounds awesome. Liz, of course, is unsure. She doesn't want to act, but Jess again reminds her that she can write about it for the Sixers, so Liz gives in and Jess is free to dream about becoming a movie star.
Now, I'm no expert, but I imagine being an EXTRA in some random movie is not going to help that dream very much. I was an extra in a couple movies as a child, and just look at me now... Anyways, Jess is even more thrilled when she learns that the movie stars a girl by the name of Shawn Brockaway. Apparently, Shawn used to be on a TV show that sucked, and she was in a music video once. In Jess's mind, this girl is on the same level as like Selena Gomez or iCarly (or maybe even the fantastic creation that is ASHLEY TISDALE...*worships*), but none of the adults seem very thrilled about Shawn being in the movie. My memory is fuzzy, but I seem to remember Shawn = Megabitch.
As they toddle home, a storm rolls in and thunder echoes all down the beach. Jess gets frightened and she accidentally drops the necklace. For some reason, she can't bear the thought of losing it, so she dives into the rushing waves and grabs it. She almost gets swept out to sea YET AGAIN, but she saves herself just in time. The twins manage to make it home safely and Jess immediately begins to work on cleaning up the necklace. She devotes several hours to this, and everybody is shocked that she isn't blabbing about the movie role.
Jess finally takes a break from her obsessive necklace cleaning and Mr. W. examines the necklace. It's silver and it has a large red stone in the center (plus some smaller stones that are still dirty as hell). Mr. W. says that, if he wasn't such a super genius totally prominent attorney, he would think the stone was a ruby. Mrs. W. says that it's just an old costume piece. Liz is an idiot in this book (I think I've told you that before, but I just enjoy saying it!!!) and she asks what "costume jewelry" is. (See, proof that someone else wrote this book...Normally, Liz would be explaining this to Jess.) Mrs. W. explains the concept, and now I totally remember that this book is where I learned about jewelry being made from paste. We have a large sign at my place of employment that reads "COSTUME JEWELRY", and I automatically think of this book every time I see it.
Anyways, Jess goes back to hoarding her dirty "fake" necklace. As she picks at the dirt, she uncovers a smaller, perfectly clear stone. She thinks about how it looks like a diamond, but she know it probably isn't. (Since WHEN is JESS the logical twin?!?!) Still, she refuses to let Liz see it, thinking that Liz will want it for herself if she lays eyes on it. (Relax, Jess, it's not like the necklace is TODD or anything...) Jess puts the filthy necklace under her pillow and falls asleep clutching it. Since it is in fact a CURSED necklace, we now get to read about Jess's dreams...
Jess dreams she's falling backwards and clutching desperately at air, trying to save herself. Storm clouds hover above and lightning illuminates the sky above her. She sees a face and a hand reaching for her. A voice shouts in triumph... Suddenly, Jess is no longer falling. She's running upstairs and she feels like something is horribly wrong. See sees a box of jewels, and a hand reaching into the box... Then she goes back to falling, this time noticing the sharp rocks below before waking up her entire family with her screams.
The next morning, Jess is excited to go to school and brag about her role in the movie. She puts on a pair of sunglasses and tucks the necklace into her backpack before leaving. At school, Lila is MAD. It seems everybody in the Unicorn Club has been breaking into her locker and borrowing her mousse. I am appalled that the most fashion-conscious girls at SVMS are using MOUSSE on DRY hair. The horror!!!! Their poor hair must be so crunchy-looking...unless Lila has a blowdryer in her locker, which is entirely likely now that I think about it. Either way, Lila is bitching up a storm and Jess is unable to brags about her newfound stardom. Janet Howell comes up and tells the Unicorns about the movie, and the open auditions for extras. Jess again tries to brag, but nobody is listening. Dejected, Jess goes into the bathroom and works on cleaning the necklace yet again. She gets so into it that she misses half of first period.
The following day, the entire Unicorn Club (plus Liz and Maria Slater) goes to the Keller mansion to audition for the movie. Jess makes a big deal about cutting to the front of the line, and everybody is super impressed when they learn that Liz and Jess are already hired. Plus, Liz and Jess are in multiple scenes WITH TWO WHOLE LINES!!!! Their character is named Luella and she's the neighbor's daughter, but the REAL stars of the movie are two other 12 year-old girls. The movie is a murder mystery set in the 1940's, and poor Lila is rejected by the casting people because her face is too contemporary. Mandy and -OF COURSE- Maria (she used to be a child star, I remember) are also cast as extras. Maria mentions that Becka Silver used to be an actress, because Maria knows EVERYTHING. She really annoys me in this book...we'll get to that later.
That night, Jess again has a dream. This time, she's wearing old black leather shoes (which Jess would never be caught dead in, so she knows it's a dream this time). Dream Jess tries to scream and run away from... something, but she's frozen in place. She sees that damn hand in the jewel box again, and observes that something isn't right about it, but she doesn't know exactly what yet. Suddenly, she is able to run again. She does, and feels really angry for some unexplained reason. And then she's falling again. Jess wakes up frightened, and she feels compelled to look at the necklace before going back to sleep. She has now unearthed 6 round, clear stones.
The next day is the second-to-last day of class before SPRING BREAK!!! Liz anxiously waits for the end of the day (SO out-of-character) and Jess is a zombie at school. Liz watches Jess fall asleep in class and signals to Lila to wake her. Of course, Lila is still mad at Jess for getting that super sweet, non-paying role as an extra, so Lila ignores Liz and lets Jess go about her nap. Jess has another nightmare and wakes up screaming. The teacher is creeped out by this, and the fact that Jess looks like shit because she didn't get her required 10 hours of sleep. Jess gets sent home for the day, and Liz ends up having to bring all of Jess's stuff home for her. She grabs Jess's backpack and goes to the library to do some research. I guess that explains why Liz was so anxious for school to end...she wanted to start her spring break off with some RESEARCH...
Liz discovers an old newspaper article from March of 1939. She reaches into Jess's backpack for note-taking supplies and finds the necklace. For some reason, Liz decides that the necklace will be safer in her pocket than in Jess's backpack. (I imagine that, judging from the way Jess treats all of her surroundings, that Liz is probably right.) Liz continues to read the article, cheerfully titled "Keller Heiress Dies In Fatal Accident". We learn that, during a party celebrating her 12th birthday, Lillian Keller died tragically when she fell off of a balcony. Before her tragic demise, Miss. Keller had been seen fighting with another 12 year-old girl, Hilda Tomlinson. Hilda was Lillian's cousin and an orphan that Lillian's parents had taken in. Proving again how BRILLIANT she is, Liz begins to wonder if the movie being filmed at the Keller mansion has something to do with Lillian's death. I'm pretty sure she's on to something here, since we've only been told this (only not in so many words) like 137 times so far and we're less than 50 pages into the story... What. A. Dumbass.
Liz goes home and finds Jess in perfect health, talking about parties and cake. Liz thinks she's crazy at first, but then Jess stops long enough to inform her that their script arrived. Liz is also excited, but her face falls when she sees that they were only given one page of the script. She's upset about this, but I would like to remind her that giving a complete, 100+ page script to someone who only has TWO lines in a film is a complete waste of paper and natural resources and shit...so she can just STFU for all I care!!! Liz is dejected because now she'll never know anything about the plot of the movie except for their lines...
(In case you care, Line #1 is something about enjoying a party, but Line #2 is sort of important to the story...it's something to the effect of "Don't leave! We still have to cut the cake!") While reading that one page script, Liz sees the names "Lillian" and "Hilda", and that confirms her theory. (Lillian and Hilda will be referred to as "Hil" and "Lil" from now on in this recap.) Liz remembers the necklace in her pocket and tries to return it to Jess. Jess has apparently had a change of heart, because she tells Liz that she no longer wants it. Liz suddenly wants it really bad, and Jess seems relieved when Liz asks if she can have it.
Liz takes her new obsession into her bedroom and decides to take a nap. Of course, she has a nightmare...
Dream Liz is wearing an old fashioned dress and fighting with a girl who has brown pigtails. (So we can probably safely assume that pigtail girl is EVIL since she isn't BLONDE...) Dream Liz gets angry and runs upstairs as thunder echoes throughout the house. She hears a girl call out that she can't leave because there's ICE CREAM!!!! Upstairs she sees -what else?!?!- the creepy jewel-box-hand combo!!!! O. M. F. G.!!!! She stares at it and thinks to herself, "Strange, there are only four..." before she gets to the falling part of the dream. *Sigh*
Liz awakens and realizes that the first part of the dream is the exact same as the script page, except for Jess's cake line being replaced by ICE CREAM. She logically assumes that reading the script before sleeping caused the dream.
Jess wakes up that same morning, feeling terrific. She had a great night's sleep, but her stomach feels like it hasn't had food in days. (52 pages, to be exact...more proof of a different ghostwriter masquerading as Jamie Suzanne...) Jess goes downstairs and devours 2 bowls of Corny-O's (didn't they end up in a Corny-O's commercial later in the series? Weird coincidence...) before Liz even wakes up. In the entire history of the world, Jess has NEVER woken up before Liz, so Jess is suspicious and wonders why Liz looks so unrested. Mrs. W. doesn't notice (of course), and she announces that ROBIN is coming to visit for spring break!!!! Yay!!!! I think I'm more excited than the twins!!!! Jess is thrilled, but Liz has turned into a zombie, so she doesn't really care.
Liz goes to school and asks the science teacher about cleaning the necklace. She's afraid to show the teacher the necklace for fear that teach will want it for herself, so she lies and says she's cleaning an old bottle that she found on the beach. The teacher explains that the stuff on the bottle is barnacles (oddly, Liz again has NO idea what that means...even JESS knew that one!!! I guess the curse of the necklace is that it makes you a dumbass) and tells Liz the names of two chemicals that she can use to clean it. Liz stays after school and waits until everyone has left before sneaking into the science room. She thinks about how she could get expelled for it, but her desire to clean the necklace is too strong. (I doubt she has anything to worry about...Simply being Elizabeth Wakefield has gotten her out of much stickier situations...) Liz cleans as best she can, and she makes some progress on the stones. She uncovers 3 more round stones (for a total of 9), but the big red one falls out as she lifts the necklace out of the solution. She discovers that one of the prongs has been broken, and she notices that the necklace has been engraved with the initials J.K.T. Liz glues the necklace back together and runs to meet Jess at the mansion.
While on set, Liz and Jess get measured for wardrobe and meet the producer. His name is Rolf, and that reminds me of the dog from the Muppet Babies...so I am now picturing the twins talking to an animated dog that wears a diaper. I think I'll go with that mental image, because this book is not as good as I remember and at least THAT is making me laugh. Liz is surprised to see that the set is very disorganized and that the crew is messy. She expresses this though (of course), and a man standing behind her agrees with her. This dude seems like a real creeper to me. He's old, and wearing overalls (OMG, does he shop at the same store as that damn belltower ghost from the last Super Chiller?!?!), and he has one hand in his pocket. Of course, the other one is flicking a cigarette. Seriously!!! I did NOT make that up, and I now know where Alanis got that line from. Dude's name is Harold Brooks and he's a lighting technician.
The twins finish up their day on set and, when they get home, Robin is waiting for them!!!! ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!! I could hug her for showing up and -hopefully- pulling this book out of Boring-Land. I wonder if she has an extra cigarette I can borrow... Jess tells her all about the movie, and Liz continues to act like a stoned zombie. Robin wonders what the hell is up with that, but Liz just starts babbling about her nightmares and the Hil and Lil article she read. Jess mentions that she had similar nightmares a few days prior, and Robin talks about dreams and how they might actually be memories.
The next day, they all go to the mansion. Jess makes Robin watch her getting her makeup done (Jess learns all about how movie makeup is not like regular makeup, pretty fascinating stuff!!!) and Liz follows Becka around the set. (I'm sure Becka just LOVES having a nosy little shadow when she's trying to work...NOT!!!) Becka is actually pretty cool, even though she does tell us the Hil/Lil story YET AGIN!!! She also elaborates, saying that Hil pushes Lil off of the balcony after their fight and that Hil was then sent to a hospital for disturbed children. Nobody ever heard from Hil again, so they all just assumed that she dies. Liz takes careful notes on all of this, and suggests that Becka give her a FULL copy of the script so she can write a really awesome article. Because it's essential to the plot, Becka agrees to give Liz a full copy. I guess she isn't worried about seeing spoilers on the internet, being that this is 1993...but still, Liz could go and write about it in her stupid Sixers...
Meanwhile, Jess has finished getting her makeup done. She's on set in the ballroom and now we get to learn about blocking and positioning because Shawn Brockaway (the actress playing Lil) is being a bitch. Shawn is yelling at EVERYBODY, but once the cameras start to roll she is absolutely perfect. This scene involves it being Lil's birthday, so Shawn's opening gifts, one of which is a special gift from her mother. She gets all her scenes in one shot, and she gets very upset when other people make mistakes. Sadly, Jess has to deliver her two lines during all of this, and she messes up the "cake line" by saying ice cream instead (you know, like in Liz's dream...) and Shawn blows up at her before stalking off set to her trailer. Becka calls it a wrap, and Jess wants to know why they're filming a totally different scene immediately afterwards. Maria (the one who knows everything about movies) explains that movies are NOT shot in order, and that Jess will have no idea what the movies is about (outside of her own scenes) until she sees the finished film in the theater. Jess is shocked to learn that she has to read the ENTIRE script (not just one page, *sigh*) to learn what happens.
Apparently, Shawn continued her rampage throughout the day. She yells at one of the extras and bullies her into quitting. Which leaves an open extra role for -hands up if you didn't see this coming!!!- ROBIN!!!! Becka also sends a full script home with Liz, and Jess and Robin order her to go read it. They don't care much about Liz's zombie-like state or necklace obsession (yes, she's still under it's spell), they just want to know what was in the box that Lil/Shawn got from her mother.
I cannot believe that they have NOT figured it out yet... I mean, did they even bother to look at the cover or the title?!?! It's pretty freakin' obvious that the necklace has something to do with all of this...
Liz obediently reads the script. It seems that the gift Lil received from her mother had belonged to Hil's mother before she died, but Lil's mother had inherited it and given it to Lil as a birthday gift. This pissed Hil off (as it should!!!), and Lil ended up running away from the party... This all follows pretty much the same story as the dreams... Hand in box, Lil on balcony, slipping, falling, ect. As Lil slips from the balcony, a hand rips the necklace from her throat and she sees a face hovering over her. As she falls to her death, she looks up and sees a 4-fingered hand holding the necklace...
IT WAS A DREAM!!!!! Liz wakes up crying (yes, this IS the FIRST time she's cried ALL book!!!! WOW, a new record) and grabs the necklace. She realizes now that it might be THE necklace, and rationalizes this by showing Jess and Robin that she has NOT read that far into the script yet. Robin flips through the script and discovers that the gift was -in fact- a platinum and ruby necklace. Robin is still skeptical, but Jess and Liz decide that Lil must have sent the necklace to them, and now she's trying to tell them something...
To test their theory, Liz and Jess forced Robin to take possession of the necklace to see if she has the same hand-box-falling dreams that they've had. Sadly, we have to wait a little bit to see if it works because it is now morning, and they've got a movie to make!!!! Well, Jess and Robin have a movie to make. Despite the fact that Becka was SO desperate to hire twins, Liz has yet to do anything other than follow Becka around, which she promptly proceeds to do as soon as she arrives on set. Becka is probably SUPER annoyed by this by now, so she makes up some excuse to ditch Liz. While Becka is busy with her "meeting" (likely story!!!), Liz explores the Keller mansion. It's exactly the same as the house in her dreams, so she has no trouble finding the upstairs bedroom. After reading the script, Liz now knows that the bedroom belongs to Mrs. Keller. She pokes around amid the typical movie set junk (lights, cables, all sorts of things that could be potentially hazardous to a 12 year-old) and suddenly realizes that she isn't alone. Mr. Brooks, the creepy old man she met on her first day on set, is randomly hanging out in the bedroom. He still has his hand in his pocket (hmmm, I wonder why...) and that kind of creeps me out, but I'll let it pass...for now, at least. He feels the need to explain himself to Liz and gives her some BS story about how he comes up here to sneak cigarette breaks. (Again, likely story. *sigh* I'm SO bored!!!! Screw this shit, I'm going to find BRUCE!!!! Where's he at?!?!) Mr. Brooks complains about how the "Hollywood types" downstairs are all health conscious and disapproving of his habit, so he is forced to hide in order to smoke in peace. Liz laughs with him (but does NOT lecture him...very out-of-character, no? Again proving my theory that this was not written by the usual ghostwriter) and watches as he pulls his cigarettes out of his other pocket (the one without his 4 fingered-hand in it...ooops!!!). He tries to open the pack and take one out using only one hand, and Liz considers helping him. Again, proving my theory!!!! The Liz I know would NEVER help somebody in a situation where CIGARETTES were involved!!! I think that crosses the line, even for her!!!!
Liz takes mental notes on all of this and goes downstairs to watch the scene being filmed. (Me, I would have stayed and smoked a nice, refreshing Marlboro with Mr. Brooks...) It's time for Jess's BIG scene. (And by big I mean the one where she gets to say her TWO lines!!!!) Of course, Shawn is back in her Megabitch Mode, so filming is delayed yet again. Not helping matters much is the fact that Jess is STILL getting the "cake line" confused with the "ice cream line" from the dream. Becka is getting very frustrated by Shawn's bitchery and Jess's terrible acting, so she decides to relax her nerves with -wait for it!!!- a CIGARETTE!!! Oh no!!! But I thought those "Hollywood types" had anti-smoking rules... Mr. Brooks has some 'splaining to do!!!! (And apparently Becka thinks it's perfectly acceptable to light up in a room full of 12 year-olds. Even I, a smoker since the young age of 12, have a problem with this.) Becka feels Liz's contemptuous eyes upon her, and she gives us some BS about how she actually hates smoking, and it's all Shawn's fault because she's SO impossible to work with... Yes, this woman feels the need to justify her actions to this 12 year-old child!!! Liz simply gives Becka a scowl (yes, a SCOWL) and says that SHE would NEVER touch one of "those things". (Forget what I said earlier, Becka, light that cigarette and blow a nice smoke cloud right into her smug little face!!!) Becka does not take my advice, and that one disapproving look from Liz is enough for Becka to 86 the cigarette idea. Becka even goes one step further and promises that she will never smoke again. (My guess is that she then ran for the nearest exit as soon as Liz was distracted.)
Jess and Maria use the filming delay to hate on Shawn. Jess is getting SO tired of Shawn being so obnoxious, and Maria agrees with her to an extent. Maria tells Jess that it's not uncommon for child stars to act like, well, children and that even she -the AMAZING MARIA- threw a few tantrums in her superstar days. Jess is surprised by this, but I have no trouble believing it. Jess quickly gets bored talking to Maria, so she walks around the room and looks at the props. A few framed photos on the mantle catch her eye, and she's especially drawn to the one of Mrs. Keller in her wedding dress. While Jess is staring stupidly at the photos, Shawn storms back on set and Maria totally chooses that moment to call Shawn out for being a bitch. (I'm sure Becka was THRILLED that Maria chose that moment to pick a fight with her easily-upset star... Oh wait, Becka is probably outside smoking those cancer sticks one after another.) Shawn calls Maria "washed-up" and gives her shit about being an extra, but Maria is already over it. Becka (oh, there she is!) fuels the fire even more by praising Maria for helping Jess with her stupid "cake line", and also for being so easy to work with. Unlike SOME people...*cough* Shawn *cough*. Shawn gives Maria an evil look and goes about her business, being perfect and nailing everything on the first take. (BTW, that is SO not possible!!! Even the best actors and the best directors need to do multiple takes of everything for different lighting and camera and editing stuff.)
As the cameras roll, Liz watches from off-camera. This time, Lil/Shawn opens the box and reveals the necklace. Liz observes how it's similar to the one Jess found, but it's also very different. She asks Becka how she knew what the necklace looked like, and Becka admits that she had to guess because there were no photos of it and it was never found. As Becka tells her this, Liz is also keeping an eye on Mr. Brooks. He's returned from his secret smoke and is now adjusting lights on the set. He's using both hands, and Liz again thinks that there's something odd about him, but she's just too damn stupid to figure it out!!!! Plus, the book is only like half over...damn.
Jess watches the scene as Hil and Lil's fight is played out. She's surprised that a bitch like Shawn is able to cry real tears and act so emotional as soon as the camera starts to roll. Shawn does her part perfectly, but of course Jess again goes and fucks up the entire scene by messing up that damn "cake line"!!! Shawn is PISSED, of course, and she is not shy about letting everyone know how stupid she thinks Jess is. And, as per usual, the day ends with Shawn storming back into her trailer and refusing to work. I am almost starting to feel a little bad for Shawn here. The poor child is obviously an emotional wreck, and possibly bipolar, and I have yet to see a single adult figure (other than Becka) interact with her. Seriously, where are her PARENTS?!?! Are they too busy blowing her paychecks to notice that she is acting out like this?!
That evening, the necklace (remember that? I feel like I've been talking about that damn movie and all of it's on-set action for like 5 days now...) seems to have a hold over Robin. She's managed to clean it a little more, and now the clasp is functional. She goes to sleep WEARING the necklace. Of course, she has a similar nightmare and the twins try desperately to wake her. For some reason, she is nearly impossible to wake up, but Jess finally accomplishes the task by throwing ice water in her face. Liz and Jess believe that, since Robin actually wore the necklace, it had a stronger hold over her. Whatever, guys, whatever!!!! I stopped caring about 20 pages ago. Robin tells them that she saw a man in her dream, and Hilda standing above her as she fell. Spooky.
They return to the Keller mansion for yet another day of filming. (Really?!?! It takes them an entire week to film ONE scene as an EXTRA?!?! The longest I ever spent on set as an extra was about 12 hours total over 2 days...) Shawn is STILL pouting in her trailer, so Becka teaches the girls about "rushes". (No, they're not rushing Phi Beta Alpha, sorry to say. These rushes are just a fancy name for the film they shot they day before.) As they watch the ballroom scene, they notice that a strange girl is on the film, but nobody saw her on the set when they were filming. AND none of the adults seem to notice her... So obviously, strang girl = ghost. As the girls watch, Ghost Girl puts her hand on the shoulder of the actress playing Hilda and points to the photos on the mantle before pointing back to "Hil". Jess remembers looking at the photos on the mantle, and she informs Liz and Robin that Ghost Girl is pointing at the photo of Mrs. Keller in her wedding dress.
Liz thinks that Ghost Girl is trying to tell them something, but she can't figure out what. Jess thinks about it for like 5 seconds, and then informs Liz that Ghost Girl is obviously trying to say that Hilda got married. How she drew that conclusion, I have no clue, but it seems like a logical theory.
Liz drags Jess and Robin to the library and forces them to look up old wedding announcements of some microfilm (whatever that is?) thingy. After several hours, they discover that Hilda married a man by the name of Mr. Zalanski in 1947. Apparently, Hil did NOT die after being released from the home for crazy children on her 18th birthday, but everybody involved in researching the film was too stupid to figure this out. Or maybe they didn't care enough to actually do any research at all... The wedding announcement even mentions the names of Hil's deceased parents- Jane Kaella and Paxton Tomlinson. (Hmmm... J.K.T. = initials on necklace = Hilda's mom.) Of course, Hilda Zalanski still lives in Sweet Valley, conveniently within view of the Keller mansion no less!!! Wow, those movie people must have been complete idiots in the research department.
Liz writes a long, rambling note to her parents before they go off to find Hilda. I have no idea what the point of this was, especially since they probably wouldn't have cared either way, but I did laugh at the P.S. added by Robin. She thinks Liz and Jess are crazy, but she's going with because she doesn't want to be accused of chickening out on them. Ha, I love that Robin!!! So far, she is the ONLY redeeming part of this book.
They go off on their quest to locate Hil and are pleasantly surprised to see that she lives in a quaint little cottage and she looks like every other grandmommy in the world. Of course, Hil drops the sweet act as soon as Liz -stupidly, IMO- tells her that Lil sent them. She yells at them to leave her alone and let her die in peace, but then Liz brings up that damn necklace and how the initials match Hil's mother's. That changes Hil's opinion of her visitors and she ushers them inside. I hope she has cookies or cake or something, because I've only counted one meal so far in this book, so I assume Jess and Liz are nearly starving to death at this point. Plus, I could go for a ginger snap right about now.
We never find out if Hil has cake, but she does tell us more of the necklace's backstory. (Not that I care at this point!!!) It seems that, yes, the necklace did belong to Hil's mother, but Lil's mother (her sister) inherited it when she dies. Mrs. Keller had no idea that the necklace had so many memories and meant so much to Hil, so she gave it to Lil as a gift for her 12th birthday. (Really, that is a messed-up thing to do!!!! She should have at least ASKED the poor orphan girl if she could give her spoiled, non-orphan daughter the damn necklace...) See, Hil was always jealous of Lil because Lil had a family and people who loved her and money and all that, while all poor Hil had was a stupid aunt who thoughtlessly gave away something that should have rightfully belonged to Hil. Hil and Lil fought often, but deep down Hil really did love Lil and they were almost like sisters, but this incident was too much for poor Hil to handle. That's why Hil fought with Lil at the party, and also why Hil immediately ran upstairs after Lil to apologize. Sadly, she was too late and Lil was already dangling from the balcony when she reached the bedroom. Hil tried desperately to reach for her arm, but Lil fell quickly and Hil was left on the balcony holding the ripped sleeve of Lil's dress. Of course, Hil never bothered to tell anybody this (until two nosy 12 year-old twins appeared on her doorstep one magical afternoon in 1993...) and yet she is surprised to learn that SHE is the murderer in the movie version. (Me, I would have at least ATTEMPTED to clear my name sometime in the last 50 years, just sayin'.) Hil swears that she would never push Lil, and then she tells us some more of the story...
After Lil fell, Hil stood frozen in shock on the balcony. The chauffeur, Harry Dennison, suddenly ran into the room and began to scream for help. Everybody rushed in and saw Hil on the balcony and just assumed that she was responsible. She was sent to the home for psychotic children, and stayed there until she was released on her 18th birthday. After that, she got married and traveled the world, but she felt compelled to return to Sweet Valley after her husband died. (I wonder what happened to him...) Liz and Jess believe her, and then Liz starts her interrogation. Something in Hil's story jumped out at her...the name HARRY!!!! (As in, Harold Brooks.) Liz asks Hil for more info about Harry, and Hil obliges. It seems that Harry was young (18) and handsome and well-liked by the family. Hil and Lil both had crushes on him, and he often told them that he would someday be rich like them. He was also terribly vain, and -wait for it- HE ALWAYS KEPT ONE HAND IN HIS POCKET!!!! Because, you see, Harry only had FOUR fingers. (Wow, Hil manages to ONLY give us info that is relevant to our story!!! I challenge you to find another grandma-type that can do that!!!!) Of course, Harry was the one whose testimony ended up incriminating Hil. He claimed he was walking past in the hallway when he heard screams and looked inside to see Hil pushing Lil to her death...
Now that they know all of this, Liz believes that she has a pretty good idea of what is going on. FINALLY!!! But of course, Liz has to be 100% sure that Harold Brooks is in fact Harry Dennison, so they return to the Keller mansion. The crew is setting up a large air mattress on the rocks below the balcony in preparation for the final day of shooting. (ALREADY?!?! This movie only took about 5 days to film by my count.) The film will wrap in 2 days and Jess is again confused by the fact that they are shooting a scene that takes place BEFORE the scenes they have already shot. This scene involves all of the extras "milling around" at the beginning of the party and pretending to eat food. Jess is yet again confused by the fact that the food is fake (it's made of wax so it doesn't spoil), and I try to refrain from crying because this stupid book is taking about 200 times longer to recap than I expected. (I think I will be going back to recapping the TV episodes very soon... At least the TV show has BRUCE in it. I really miss him!!!) Back to the story, I'll give you three guesses what Shawn is up to at the moment...yes, she's having ANOTHER tantrum. (And now I really do feel bad for this girl. Why isn't Liz meddling in HER life?!?! Damn you, ghostwriter!!!) And, in case you care, Liz is now stalking Mr. Brooks as he too "mills" about the mansion. As she wanders around, she gets tangled up in the cable on the floor (see, I told you they would pose a hazard) and causes an overhead light to break free. I wait for it to crush her, but Mr. Brooks quickly swoops in and saves her - USING BOTH HANDS. Liz is now positive that she has her man, so now she is free to come up with a plan...
Her plan is pretty damn stupid if you ask me. She convinces Jess and Robin to hide in the mansion after the crew has left and then they sneak into Mrs. Keller's bedroom. Liz opens the balcony doors and dangles over the side (awesome!!!), Jess and Robin try to reach her, but they are unsuccessful, proving that it would have been impossible for Hil to save Lil (I guess). Liz climbs back up and sets up Harry's version of events inside the bedroom. Since they know from the dreams that Harry was pillaging the jewelry box, Liz begins to wonder why he would do such a thing. Robin must be as bored by all of this as I am, because she quickly tells Liz that Harry was OBVIOUSLY stealing jewels when Lil caught him in the act. Robin wanders out into the hallway and informs Liz that it is impossible to see into the bedroom from the hallway, so Harry was obviously lying. (I guess even the 1940's SVPD was incompetent. I would think that somebody would have reenacted Harry's version of events at some point and discovered this...) So now Liz is positive that Hil was telling the truth and that 4-fingered Harry is the REAL murderer. Suddenly, somebody busts into the room!!!
Sadly, it isn't 4-fingered Harry wielding an axe and carrying a grudge. It's just Becka and Tony, the security guy. They came up to investigate because they saw that the lights were on as they were leaving. Liz quickly tells Becka the entire story (and this is probably the first time in SV history that they involve an adult in their plans) and Becka listens. She doesn't think Liz is crazy when she mentions the necklace or the dreams or the Ghost Girl. Becka is a very open-minded woman and Liz obviously has her wrapped around her grubby little finger, so Becka agrees to help with their plan. When she learns that Mr. Brooks is their main suspect, she agrees that he is quite shady. It seems that Mr. Brooks worked as a lighting tech for 30 years, but retired 10 years ago. He randomly showed up when they began renovating the house for the movie, and he begged Becka to hire him. He even volunteered to work for free (which should have raised a red flag, but Becka was just impressed by his dedication to the project). A few days after the final copies of the scripts were delivered, one copy went missing, and Becka found Mr. Brooks reading it like a man possessed. (Again, RED FLAG...) She thought he was just super into the project, but she now agrees that he was only hanging around to make sure nobody ever found out the truth. Because the best way to accomplish that is to return to the scene of the crime and act like a total creeper...*sarcasm*
The following day (the last day of shooting), the girls again review the rushes with Becka. They're again searching for the Ghost Girl (who we can now safely assume is Lillian Keller), but only Robin is able to fully see her on film. Liz and Jess cannot see her as clearly. Liz theorizes that this is because Robin has worn the necklace most recently, and that the power of the necklace wanes over time. This really doesn't matter though, because Ghost Girl Lillian is holding up four fingers and nodding to Robin, so Mission Accomplished!!!! Of course, Liz is already formulating a plan to stop him...
As Liz mulls over her plan, Jess and Robin head to the ballroom to shoot the final party scene. There's a 5 foot tall cake -a REAL one!!! the wax one melted- but Shawn is being...Shawn, so nothing gets accomplished and everybody goes home for the night. Liz, Jess, and Robin hide in the wardrobe room and Becka pretends to leave as well. Becka asks Mr. Brooks to re-adjust all of the lights for the final scene, and he agrees to work late to accomplish this. Liz and Robin quickly help Jess into one of Shawn's Lillian costumes before smearing her entire body with makeup. She now looks like the ghost of Lil. Liz adds the ruby necklace to the ensemble as the final touch and Jess "floats" into the room when Mr. Brooks is working. She lures him upstairs to the bedroom (and I felt really wrong typing that) and he immediately reaches into the jewelry box on the dresser. (I wonder why exactly, being that they are most likely PROPS...Maybe he likes shiny things as much as I do.) It starts to storm outside (so you know some bad shit is about to go down) and Jess tells Mr. Brooks that he can hide no longer, because she -Lil- is BACK and she is PISSED!!!!
Of course, Mr. B sees right through this little plan and he quickly locks her in the room. Becka, Tony the rent-a-cop, Jess, and Robin are watching the scene unfold via a two-way mirror. (Again?!?! Why are there ALWAYS two-way mirrors?!?! Oh wait, they have a camera setup behind it for filming. That explains it.) Mr. B/Harry forces Jess out on to the balcony, all the while gloating to himself that he finally has that damn necklace!!! It's worth MILLIONS!!!! And he WON'T drop it this time!!!! (Lesson learned: Always keep valuable items in your 5-fingered hand...or something.) He lunges for the necklace and Jess falls over the railing toward the jagged rocks below.
Oh yeah, remember a few chapters ago when they were setting up the massive air bags to film the falling stunt? Those are still in place!!! Jess survives and Tony the rent-a-cop is finally able to break into the bedroom. But not before Mr. B/Harry falls victim to the Curse of the Ruby Necklace!!! As he holds it, Liz and Becka hear him having an argument with some unseen entity. It must be a powerful one (and I wish they had used an EVP recorder...), because Harry quickly realizes that he's BUSTED!!!! He drops the necklace to the floor and Tony arrests him. Curse broken. Mystery solved. SarahLynn's sanity restored!!!!
Of course, we still have to wrap up that nasty little Shawn subplot... The final day of filming arrives and it's time for the cake scene!!! Luckily, Jess has already done the scene with that damn "cake line" 437 times, so all she has to do today is mill around some more. Shawn has undergone a 180 overnight and she's being nice to everyone and not throwing any tantrums. Okay, I lied, Shawn is STILL being Bitchy McBitcherson, and Jess's anger is beginning to boil over. Every time Shawn opens her vile little mouth, Jess grows angrier and angrier. Shawn goes over the top when she learns that Becka is re-writing half the movie (so much for the final day of filming, haha!!!) because the story is obviously wrong and Hilda is the real star. Shawn continues to be intolerable throughout the scene, and Jess has finally had enough. She walks right up to the massive cake in the middle of the scene and throws a handful at Shawn. Soon all of the extras have followed suit, and Becka is laughing her ass off while the cameras roll. Becka refuses to stop filming because she knows how vain Shawn is, and she can now blackmail Shawn for life with this shit. (OMG, blackmailing a 12 year-old who obviously has issues already?!?! What is wrong with this woman?)
Oh yeah, one more thing remains to be wrapped up. Becka informs Liz that Mr. B/Harry confessed everything to the police and Hil's name has finally been cleared. Hil shows up on set after the filming has ended, and Becka has arranged a special screening for her. Liz gives Hil her necklace (which I am surprised the the police did not take as evidence...) and Becka shows Hil some film she shot of the empty set. Because of the magic necklace, Hil is able to talk to Lil, and everybody leaves her alone to do so.
As a bonus, the book features an AD for Sweet Valley High dolls and fashions!!! If anybody happens to have those, my birthday is only 8 1/2 months away...

****The SarahLynn Summary***
Why did I like this book so much as a child? It was TERRIBLE, totally ridiculous, and about 100 pages too long for my mature, sophisticated tastes. Even Robin couldn't save this one.

SVT Super Chiller #4 - The Ghost In The Bell Tower

Intro:
I remember that I LOVED this book for some reason. I must have read it 10 times as a child. The twins' cousin Robin was a main character in this one, and she was always one of my favorite random characters. I remember the story very vividly. It took place at the beginning of summer vacation and the Wakefields (along with Robin and her little sister, Stacey, AND Joe Howell) went to help Aunt Helen (another one of my favorite characters!) renovate some old hotel. And, the best part, in was HAUNTED! Like, REALLY haunted. For reals! It scared the hell out of young SarahLynn, and I still have a fear of bell towers to this day.

First Impressions:
The cover shot features the twins, of course. I was always disappointed that Robin didn't make the cover. Liz is in a green t-shirt, and Jess is wearing a salmon-colored one. Jess appears to be singing opera or saying the Pledge of Allegiance. There's a guy in painters' whites at the top of the stairs, and he's glowing with an eerie green light. One can assume that they are in the bell tower, and thus he is the ghost.
The inside pages reveal that this book was published in June of 1992. Of course, our old friend Jamie Suzanne has taken credit for this masterpiece, so I get out my tally-pad and prepared to keep track of how many snacks/meals/ect. we are subject to reading about.

Recap:
We begin with our favorite twins, as well as Steven and Joe Howell, watching a scary movie. Knowing what I now know about Steven, it will be next to impossible for me not to analyze his relationship with Joe throughout this book. I will try to keep the gay jokes to a minimum (remember, I DO have two moms, so my jokes are made with nothing but love...it's just how I deal) and not offend too many people. Summer vacation has just begun, and already the kids are bored. Joe and Steven are having a sleepover, no comment. Jess talks about how much she loves horror movies, even though she's getting scared. The guy in the movie that got killed by the ghost was hot, so she's enjoying this movie. Suddenly, creepy moans echo throughout the Wakefield house. Jess is scared, but Liz uses her amazing powers of logic and deduces that Steven and Joe are playing a lame practical joke. They do a lot of that, and it will be important to this story. Jess is upset that she missed the end of the movie, but Liz just shows off some more by explaining how it ended. Because she's smart and logical, so she knows everything. Jess is still mad, and she tells Liz that not everything can be explained logically...
And that's basically the whole premise of the book, given away in the first chapter. You could almost skip right to the end right here. But that would spoil all the fun, so you know I won't do you like that!
At breakfast the next morning, Steven and Joe are still gloating. About their practical joke, of course, nothing else, no joke to be made here. An unexpected letter arrives. It's postmarked from a place in Holton, California. The envelope says it originated from a place called the Lakeview Inn (henceforth referred to as "LVI", to save me the extra typing). It seems that Aunt Helen has recently inherited the 15-room inn from a dear old friend who passed away. She is now restoring it, and she wants to save money by using child labor as opposed to qualified contractors, so she is inviting Liz, Jess, and Steven to help. Joining them on their adventure is their cousin Robin and her 8 year-old sister Stacey. Once the renovation is complete, Aunt Helen will hold a family reunion to celebrate. Ned and Alice are thrilled to be rid of their brats for an indeterminate amount of time, plus Aunt Helen recently suffered a heart attack and Alice feels better knowing somebody will be there to help her. Because two 14 year-olds, three 12 year-olds, and an 8 year-old are useful to an elderly old lady who lives in the middle of nowhere, obviously without a telephone. Without so much as asking, Alice agrees that Joe Howell can go on the trip so Steven isn't surrounded by girls all summer. Because Steven is GAY, and he hates girls!!!! (Sorry, I had to.)
Janet Howell helps Jess pack. Janet is thrilled that Joe is leaving. He has also been playing jokes at home, and she's gotten very sick of it. Lila also "helps" Jessica pack, and she suggests that Jess bring her entire wardrobe. Because it's not like she has a twin or a cousin her age who will borrow her clothes... Janet demands that Jess wear purple every single day, and Jess agrees to rep the Unicorn Club in Holton. I hope Janet didn't see the cover of this book, because Jess obviously forgot her promise. Steven and Joe bring Jess yet another suitcase from the attic. (She's already borrowed one from every member of the family, while Liz has only packed one suitcase and still has room left over. I guess Liz used up all the SpaceBags...) Jess opens the suitcase and finds a severed hand. Obviously, this is another joke. Jess, Janet, and Lila all freak out and totally fall for it until Liz busts in and gets all logical YET AGAIN. She shows them that it's just a fake, and Jess again reminds her that not everything has a logical explanation. They really just go around in circles with this in this book...it's like 'A Night To Remember', only with LOGIC instead of all that Prom Queen BS. Jess swears to herself that she will teach Liz a lesson. Sweet!!!
Our travelers set out for Holton and arrive several long hours later. Holton is a small hick town without a mall. Jess is properly horrified. The only place to shop is some small drugstore. It sounds like HELLton to me. Aunt Helen meets them at the bus station. Robin and Stacey are also there. We learn that Robin is an exact double for the twins, but a few months younger, while Stacey has red hair and freckles. Tough break, kid. Aunt Helen drives everyone to the inn in her vehicle, an old school black limo (!!!!I always wanted to drive one of those!!!!) that she inherited along with the inn. Aunt Helen tells us that Holton used to be a gold mining town in the 1800's. After the gold dried up, it became a vacation town. The Lakeview Inn was the center of the town. It was a gambling parlor in its hay day, but now it's sat abandoned for almost 70 years. At this point, I stop reading to ask the BF (who has vast construction and renovation experience) if it's possible for this crew to renovate this old place. He says that it would be full of asbestos and lead paint and many other hazards. To accomplish anything, specially trained Haz-Mat guys would first have to gut the place before it would be safe to enter, much less inhabit.
Where's your logic now, Elizabeth?!?! Oooh, SarahLynn TOLD you! WHAT?!?!
On the outside, the place looks like every dilapidated building in Sweet Valley. The lawn is overgrown, the porch sags (add possible bug infestation to the list), the paint is peeling (lead paint chips, lovely!), and the shutters are hanging. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I swear that was the EXACT description of the Wakefields' house in the alternate universe of 'A Christmas Without Elizabeth'... There's also a creepy old bell tower (of course) and Liz notices it right away. It gives her the creeps. Aunt Helen knows what's up, and she comments that the LVI may be haunted. NO SHIT!!!! She obviously doesn't know the title of the book. It's not called "The Potential Ghost In The Bell Tower"...
Since this is a JS book, Aunt Helen ushers everyone inside to eat. Everything is all dusty inside, and there's sheets on the furniture and cobwebs. Obviously, Aunt Helen did not have any Haz-Mat professions come in before she moved it. Stupid old lady! She has managed to clean up a few rooms- a few bedrooms, the kitchen, and the dining room. Aunt Helen dictates responsibilities as they eat. (Damn woman, they haven't even unpacked yet!) The girls are assigned to cleaning out the attic. Their main goal is to clear a path to the bell tower so the city inspector can come and see if it's safe or not. The boys are assigned to fixing up an old boathouse. ("Behind the boathouse/I'll show you my dark secret..." Hahaha, that one wrote itself!) Aunt Helen also brief them more on the history of the LVI:
Aunt Helen inherited the place from her friend, Alexandra Whyte. Aunt Helen used to vacation in Holton when she was a girl, and she remembered the LVI fondly. (Damn, how old is she?!?!) Aunt Helen has always been fascinated by the place, and she loves the possibility that it may be haunted. Of course she does! Haunted hotels = $$$$!!!!
The girls choose their bedrooms (yes, Steven and Joe are sharing a room). Jess picks a room with purple comforters and a portrait of some old guy on the wall. According to Aunt Helen, the old dude is named Phineas Whyte, and he was Alexandra's father. He was also the original owner of the LVI. Robin and Stacey take the room next door. Everybody goes to bed.
In the middle of the night, Robin and Stacey show up in the twins' room. Their room is FREEZING cold, and they may have hypothermia because their lips are starting to turn blue. Liz goes into their room to investigate with her powers of logic. She notes that their room is very cold, but the radiator is on and making a ticking sound. Jess helps the situation by telling Liz that ghosts create cold spots. Robin and Stacey spend the rest of the night in the twins' room.
In the morning, Jess and Robin discuss the possibility of the inn being haunted. They put on some blue eyeshadow (yes, that's an important detail) and Liz makes them promise not to tell Aunt Helen anything. because she might have another heart attack or something. Jess decides that it was probably the work of Steven and Joe. They head downstairs for breakfast, and Steven and Joe jump out at them. They're wearing sheets and pretending to be ghosts. Real mature.
After breakfast, the girls go upstairs to the attic and the boys go to the boathouse. A crew of painters is already hard at work outside. Liz is still creeper out by the bell tower, and by all of the old junk in the attic. Jess, Robin, and Stacey start sorting through a trunk of old clothes, and Liz finds boxes of books to sort through. Aunt Helen tells them to keep anything that looks interesting, and the rest gets thrown away (or maybe the guys from American Pickers showed up for it, who knows). Of course, Liz finds an old photo album and Alexandra's diary. The diary is from August of 1919, and the photos just so happen to correspond to that same time period.
While "working" on the boathouse, the boys discover a bunch of secret old mining caves. They refuse to tell the girls where they are, because they're MAN-CAVES!!! There's nothing gay about that or anything...
Everybody comes downstairs for lunch, and Liz hides the diary in her room. The portrait of Phineas Whyte has magically changed into a picture of a woman holding a baby and wearing a blue dress!!! Liz runs to tell Jess. She finds Jess in the kitchen, making some really disgusting sandwiches. (Peanut butter and maple syrup, I want to throw up just thinking about that.) Liz drags Jess and Stacey upstairs (hmmm...where is Robin?!?!), but the painting has magically transformed back into Phineas Whyte. Jess tells Liz that there must be some sort of logical explanation...or maybe it's THE GHOST!
Liz is freaked, so she goes to work with Aunt Helen in the garden. The painters have finished the outside (wow, that was some fast exterior work!) and are moving inside. The rest of the girls return to the attic and try on more old clothes. Robin and Stacey suddenly need to go back downstairs to get a drink, and they leave Jess all alone. She finds an old hat with a veil and wonders out loud if it was a bridal veil. One of the workers is suddenly standing behind her (CREEPER!) and he confirms this.
The worker is named Bill. He has black eyes and hair that's parted and slicked-back in an old school style. Jess thinks that it works for him. She WOULD think such a though. Bill has been working at the LVI for years, and he knows all sorts of interesting hotel info. He shows Jess the blueprints for the LVI, and tells her about the secret passages that the owners used to use to spy on the gamblers. Conveniently, one of those secret passages runs right between the bedrooms that the girls are sharing. Robin and Stacey come back and ask who she's talking to. Jess looks up from the blueprints and realizes that Bill is gone.
That night, Liz fills their bedroom with fresh flowers from the garden. She locks the bedroom door so no ghosts can get in (actually, she locks it so Steven and Joe can't trick them anymore), but Jess isn't so sure that it will work.
In the morning, Liz wakes up to see that her flowers have dies overnight. Actually, they look like they have been burned. She's suspicious of this, especially when she goes into the dining room and sees that the flowers she left there are still very much alive and well. Aunt Helen is serving breakfast, and she compliments Liz on her lovely flower arrangement. She says that their aroma is so strong that she could smell them in the kitchen. Liz, however, cannot even smell them in the massive dining room, so she's even more suspicious. After breakfast, Jess again runs into Bill upstairs. She observes that, even though the other painters are hard at work, Bill's whites are spotless. He tells her about the 2-way mirror in the secret passage between the bedroom and how the owners used to use it to spy on poker games.
Robin and the twins decide to explore the wonders of downtown Holton. Stacey stays behind at the hotel with Aunt Helen and the boys. Jess and Robin spend an eternity in the drugstore, trying to find the perfect lipstick shade. On the way back to LVI, the girls discover two sets of footprints that lead to the caves. One set is smaller than the other, Liz notes in her handy dandy notebook. The girls explore the caves (Robin conveniently has a flashlight in her purse) and a ghost attacks them. They run, and Liz drops her notebook in the process. The ghost disappears, so Liz goes back and collects her notebook. She also wipes away the footprints from the front of the cave. Jess and Robin agree that it was probably Steven, up to his old tricks again, but they return to LVI and find him exactly where they left him. Liz still refuses to give up her logic.
The girls spend the afternoon baking brownies. They eat an entire pan and help themselves to another batch. Seriously, these girls are on the express train to Obe-City!!!
Before bed, Liz read some of Alexandra's diary and learns all about the LVI and Alexandra's father. She falls asleep while reading and wakes up when she hears a scary noise of some sort. The room is pitch-black, and Jess says the lights won't work. The mirror on the wall (you know, the 2-way mirror in the secret passage that Liz has no idea about) starts to glow and a warning for Liz appears in blood-red letters. A scary, glowing face appears as the message disappears. Liz is properly terrified. Jess screws in the lightbulb and the lights come on. Liz is scared, but she refuses to give up her logic, even though she can't explain this one. She decides that she's dreaming.
In the morning, (during breakfast, of course) Jess and Robin laugh about the joke they played on Liz. Jess is frustrated that Liz still doesn't believe in ghosts, and she asks Robin how she made the scary, glowy face appear. Robin has no idea what she's talking about. *Cue scary Twilight Zone Music*
While everybody else is hard at work, Liz returns to the cave. Just as she suspected, there are two sets of footprints leading out of the cave. She measures the prints and returns to the LVI. She measures everybody's shoes and solves the mystery pretty quickly. While in Robin's room, she notices the bookcase and recalls an Amanda Howard mystery. She starts pulling the books off the shelf and finds the secret passage. The sign with the scary warning is still sitting there, and Liz quickly figures out that it was a trick. She decides to exact her own revenge on Jess and Robin.
Liz goes to Steven and Joe and tells them that she knows Joe and Stacy were hiding in the cave and tricking them. She convinces them to help her scare the others. Her plan includes making a fake ghost and floating it on a raft across the lake. Bill shows up just then and suggests that they put lights on their pseudo-ghost so it will be perfectly visible from the inn.
After dinner, the girls are sitting in the living room. We learn that Robin has a crush on Joe (don't waste your time, honey, he's probably gay). Liz tricks them into going upstairs. She lures them to the window, and the "ghost" appears on the lake. Suddenly, the entire thing bursts into flames! Liz convinces them that she now believes in ghosts, but she still isn't scared. She goes to congratulate Joe and Steven on a successful prank, but neither of them knows how the ghost managed to explode, so of course Liz comes up with a logical explanation.
In the morning, everybody is super tired from the sleepless night. Not much is getting accomplished upstairs, so Liz sends Robin and Stacey back to bed. Jess is exhausted, so she sneaks in a little nap on some old blankets. As she slips into her sleep, she hears Liz humming a lullaby.
She wakes up to pure darkness and stumbles her way to the only source of light- a small attic window. As she stands there, she hears a creaking noise behind her and a ghost appears! Jess opens the window and sees Liz in the garden. She screams for help, but the ghost just keeps coming closer and closer...
Downstairs, Liz sees Jess trying to climb out the window and she runs upstairs. She stops Jess from jumping and turns on the light.
After this, Liz decides the prank war has gone too far. She sits everybody down and gives her Nancy Drew speech. She knows that Robin and Stacey froze their own room because the radiator was clicking, which means it was just turned on. Plus, Robin wore the blue eyeshadow the next day, and it was a perfect match for their blue lips. She has also figured out that the painting in her room changed because Jess switched it while she was busy with the diary, and Robin switched it back while she was trying to drag Jess and Stacey upstairs. Also, the dead flowers were burned in the oven, which is why Aunt Helen was able to smell them in the kitchen. See, she has a logical explanation for all of it. Way to state the obvious there, Lizzie!!!
Aside from all of that, nobody can explain how the glowing face appeared in the mirror, let alone the ghost in the attic. They blame it on Steven and Joe and everybody accepts that theory. Except for Jess, she knows that it's impossible because Steven and Joe had no knowledge of the secret passage, but she keeps her thoughts to herself.
All of this ghost nonsense is pushed aside to make room for a celebration! Because every book MUST have some sort of party, Holton has something called Gold Rush Days. People dress up in costumes and there's a street fair. Much to Liz's happiness, there are also historical lectures. Even Aunt Helen thinks that sounds boring as hell, so Liz goes alone. She meets the Holton historian. His name is Homer Bates (Bates...not exactly the best choice of surname for a plot involving a hotel of any sort, if you ask me!) and he is OLD. Like, 91. So he knows all sorts of shit about the LVI. Liz pumps him for information, and he tells her all about the ghost.
Apparently, the ghost is of a young man named William Cliff. He once loved a girl who lived at the LVI, but the ho loved some other dude. She went off and married him, breaking Bill's heart. As she was saying her wedding vows, the bell in the bell tower began to ring unexpectedly. Somebody went up there and discovered William draped over the railing. He was pronounced dead, cause of death: a broken heart. After that, the LVI closed forever and the bell never rang again. As legend has it, William haunts the inn and will continue to haunt until the bell is rung again...
Back at the LVI, Jess helps Aunt Helen wash the loads and loads of sheets. As she removes each load, it seems as if the washer and dryer keep re-filling themselves. I know exactly how she feels, but i think this is supposed to be the ghost at work.
While Jess is occupied, Liz decides to do some more research. She continues to read the diary and discovers some major drama...
*August 9th, 1919- Alexandra Whyte turns 17 and receives the diary as a birthday gift.
*August 10th- Will comes to visit. Alexandra knows he's in love with her.
*August 11th- Will stops by again. This time he brings a rose for Alexandra. Liz finds it pressed into the diary.
Okay, so not exactly MAJOR drama, but it IS 19191 and Alexandra is 17 and UNMARRIED. That's like, illegal and shit. Liz takes a break from that snooze-fest and runs a bath. As she goes to get in, she realizes that the water has now turned ice-cold! Of course, nobody admits to doing this, so Steven and Joe are blamed for all of the day's events.
During the night, Liz and Jess's beds are somehow switched. They know nobody could have done it, because they're ancient beds and VERY heavy, plus the noise would have woken them up. Jess and Liz tell Robin and Stacey about it, and Liz chooses that moment to tell everybody what she learned the day before. Still, even after all of this, Liz refuses to believe in ghosts.
They go back up to the attic and try to get some more work done. (Because, as we all know, the best way to deal with a haunted bell tower is to EXPOSE it further... Me, personally, I'd just light a match and haul ass out of the LVI.) Bill is hanging out up there, so they ask him about the ghost. He makes up some bullshit and avoids discussing the issue. His only suggestion is that they stay away from the supposedly haunted bell tower. Then, he vanishes. The girls look everywhere for him, and they decide to ask the foreman about him. The plot thickens as the foreman reveals that he doesn't know anyone named Bill. *Dun, dun, dun*
Robin, Stacey, and Jess want to leave immediately. Liz vetoes the idea, saying "You want to leave Aunt Helen alone with a ghost and some weird man named Bill?" ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! So, 1) Liz now believes in ghosts, and 2) Liz is too stupid to realize that BILL = GHOST. I figured that out like three chapters ago (j/k, I knew all along!)... Liz again proves her smartness by suggesting that they stay and try to find a way to get rid of the ghost. If I recall correctly, that creepy old historian guy -Elmer? Or was it Homer?- told you EXACTLY how to accomplish this THREE CHAPTERS AGO...Dumbass! I'm really getting frustrated here!
Later, the girls talk about Bill, and what a creeper he is. Liz FINALLY puts 2 and 2 together and deduces that Bill is short for William, and William is the name of the GHOST. Nice job, Nancy Drew would have figured all of this shit out by page two!
Liz shows the other a picture from Alexandra's photo album. It's Alexandra and William (aka- Bill, aka- attic creeper) on September 19, 1920 (more than a year after the diary began, so some part of that story is missing). Everybody finally gets it, and the window opens on its own. The wind blows the photo out of Jess's hand and "GET OUT" appears in blood-red letters on the wall. It all stops just as suddenly, and Liz makes everybody promise not to tell Aunt Helen.
In the morning, Aunt Helen continues to encourage gluttony by making a fresh batch of muffins before going to some sort of meeting. The girl take the muffins out of the oven and they're crawling with maggots! Disgusting. They throw them in the trash and the maggots disappear.
The girls strategize and try to come up with a plan for banishing the ghost. I have a plan- go to the bell tower, ring the stupid bell, wave bye-bye to the ghost, and peace out. They're not as smart as I am, despite the plan being perfectly laid out for them earlier in the book, so they go and try to enlist the help of Steven and Joe. They're in the boathouse, and it's taken them 2 days to paint one wall. My notes originally asked "what are they doing?", but given the recent developments in Steven's character, I will have the good taste not to ask. The boys think they're playing a trick on them, so they offer no help. Assholes.
They return to the LVI. Jess eats a ton of cookies while Liz reads the diary, hoping to find some sort of clue. While she's reading, Aunt Helen and Steven and Joe leave and the girls are left alone. Liz declares that it's time to confront the ghost once and for all! Of course, it starts to rain as she says this.
They climb the stairs to the attic and Liz tucks the diary under her shirt. Lightning knocks out the power (of course), so they begin to clear the way to the bell tower using the flashes of lightning to illuminate their work. (Where's that flashlight now, Robin?) They move an old trunk, and it begins to move on its own. Other stuff does too, and soon their exit is blocked behind them. They keep working, clearing a path as stuff continues to build up behind them. Clothing flies up out of an old dresser and it attacks them. Stacey finds an old bayonet and slays the mighty clothing dragon, and the bell tower door stands before them, fully exposed. I liked it better when BRUCE was fully exposed in SVC... An electric both runs across the ceiling and surrounds the bell tower door. A voice commands them to go away, but Liz is undeterred. She knows that the ghost won't hurt her (because she has the diary, I fail to see the logic of this) and she opens the door. She and Jess climb the steps, and -oh yeah- the steps are crawling with nasty spiders.
Bill is standing at the top of the stairs. You knew he would be. He tried to warn them, and now he has to kill them! SWEET! Kill Liz first! Liz is a smug little bitch, and she just knows that Bill is bluffing. She climbs farther up the stairs. Bill whines that he doesn't want to hurt her, but he has to. He cannot leave until he is reunited with his beloved Alexandra.
Liz decides that it's Storytime, and she begins to read to him for the diary. It turns out that Alexandra was forced into marrying the other dude. She actually loved Bill, and she was going to stop the wedding and tell everyone that she was going to marry him instead. She was prepared to be his for all of eternity. Bill wonders why she never returned, and Liz tells him that she died recently. I guess she never returned to the LVI because the memories were too painful and she didn't know that Bill was just hanging out there, waiting for her to return. Bill is sad, and he gives up all hope upon hearing this. He asks Liz and Jess to ring the bell and they do. He disappears.
Magically, they are able to fully renovate the entire place in 2 weeks time. (The BF tells me that this is impossible, it would take at least 2 years to accomplish all of that. See, he IS useful sometimes!) Whatever the case, Ned and Alice roll up to the LVI in their van (didn't know they had one...) and Stacey and Robin's parents also arrive. Aunt Helen BBQs up some good food (burgers, chicken, AND steak...what, no HOT DOGS, or RIBS?!?!) and everybody has a good evening. The girls sit by the lakeshore and admire their hard work. Suddenly, they see Bill and a young-looking, super glowy Alexandra Whyte walking on the lake. Everybody waves, and the ghosts disappear into the night. Jess asks Liz to explain THAT logically, and Liz come back with "True love is very, very logical". She would say that.

***The SarahLynn Summary:***
*You can renovate an entire hotel -inside and old, plus the attic and a boathouse- in two weeks' time, while having a scary adventure at the same time. And you can even manage to work in at least 2 parties.
*Aunt Helen is an enabler. The snack/meal count for this book is 13. I'll let that speak for itself.
*Steven and Joe are stupid.
*Child labor is cheap and efficient (see Summary Point #1).
*Ghosts are real, and so is true love.

SVT Super Chiller #1 - The Christmas Ghost

Intro
This is another one of the Christmas stories that I never got around to reading the first time around... Maybe because it's from December of 1989, and I was just turning FOUR at that time. Actually, I WAS able to read at that age (I started early, age 2 1/2), but I mostly stuck to Dr. Seuss and Berenstain Bears, because I was FOUR. So stop holding that against me!!! (Are there any Berenstain Bears blogs out there? I used to read their chapter books ALL THE TIME...) The cover shows a scared Jessica (I think, her hair is wavy and not in a ponytail) with a blonde girl in front of her. I immediately begin to wonder if perhaps Crazy Margo made an early appearance...
Opening up the book, I see that this too was written by my good friend (and worst enemy), Jamie Suzanne. So we know right away that this one is a real winner. Oddly, this book says "Sarah" on the inside, and the title page says her name is "Sarah Lee", so I know it never belonged to me. So let's begin...

Recap
It's Christmastime in Hollis Queens (oh, I'm sorry, I meant Sweet Valley!!), and Jess and Liz are randomly discussing ghosts. Jess is scared of ghosts, but Liz claims they're just pretend (I beg to differ, maybe I'll tell you some of MY ghost stories sometime, but not today). The twins are at the Mall doing some window-shopping, which leads to a totally random description of them. You already know what it says, so I'll skip that like I always do. They switch from discussing the paranormal to talking about gifts. Liz has already gotten Jess's, and Jess hopes that it's purple. On the way out of the Mall, Liz sees a porcelain horse and LOVES it. It reminds her of how much she and Jess loved riding the carousel when they were little, and of course Jess loves it too. Jess tells Liz that she should asks for it for Christmas, but Liz says her parents have already finished shopping and it looks expensive. (I'm picturing this horse as the horse from "A Very Brady Sequel" for some reason...)
They ride the BUS home (ewww, I rode the bus last week and some kid coughed ALL OVER ME the entire ride, plus some random fat guy had to stand because there were no seats, and so I also spent that ride with a giant ass in my face. I hope Liz got the aisle seat!!!!) and Liz babbles about this holiday bazaar (the animated elephant?) that she's putting on at SVMS. She's trying to raise $100 to buy a new laser-thing for the childrens hospital... I doubt that something like that costs SO little, and if it did, why didn't George Fowler just give them the money if their finances were THAT bad?!?! (And, in 'A Christmas Without Elizabeth', their party budget was $386...inflation is a bitch, I guess.) I'm still having a hard time believing that a hospital cannot raise $100 independently and has to reply on Liz for help... But anyways, the bazaar is like a big garage sale/bake sale/junk sale and Liz is all excited about it, but Jess and I don't care that much.
At home, Jess asks her mom to buy her the porcelain horse, and Alice says that it sounds more like something Liz would want. Jess really wants it (why, I wonder? She's not known for keeping her stuff in the best condition, so imagine how long that poor horsie would last before being crushed by the hoard of crap in her bedroom...), so she lies and says that Liz wasn't into it. I don't see why they couldn't SHARE the horse...like, put it in the bathroom or something.
Liz starts baking sugar cookie for the bazaar. Alice helps, and Jess totally blows them off to help Lila plan her Christmas party (no, not the party that Janet and Joe have with the HIGH SCHOOL BOYS, this is a DIFFERENT one...3 parties, 1 Christmas break!!!!!). For whatever reason, Lila's party is on Wednesday (another weeknight party?!?! What the hell am I supposed to do on FRIDAY and SATURDAY?!?!). We randomly learn that Alice is "well-known throughout Sweet Valley for her decorating skill", just kind of thrown in there. Jamie Suzanne describes -in detail- Liz's cookie baking and decorating, and mentions that Liz also made ginger snaps. (Mmmmm...my gramma used to make those specially for me every year!!!!) Steven comes in and tries to eat the cookies, but Liz is a Cookie Nazi and a bitch, so Steven has to settle for cake (seems like they ALWAYS have some cake in their kitchen...do they buy cases of it?!?! I wish I had cake). Because Steven needs something to go with his cake, Ned comes home and starts grilling hamburgers for dinner as he admires the dozens of cookies that Liz made. Liz is proud of her work, but she wishes that Jess had been able to help. (And I wish someone would realize that this girl has ATTACHMENT ISSUES along with her OCD and depression...)
The next day is BAZAAR DAY!!!!! Everybody loves the Christmas and Hanukkah decorations (which I imagine were made by Aaron Dallas, since he's the ONLY Jewish guy in Sweet Valley), and people buy up everything like crazy to help support Liz's charity of the moment. Liz, Amy, and Maria (black Maria?) go to Liz's to count the money they made. Alice is waiting for them with lemonade and "special cookies", whatever that means... (Go ask Alice!!!!)
Later, Liz finds Jess searching for the Christmas gifts that their parents have so cruelly hidden from them (my mom used to write a list of what she had gotten everybody, so my sister and I only had to go to the trouble of locating that list...it was always hidden in her purse, and she STILL does that!!!). Jess finds the horse, of course, and both girls wonder who the horse is for. Liz hopes against all hope that it's actually for her, but we all know that Jess is superior and Ned and Alice love her more, so she's getting it. Ha.
Liz is disappointed that her holiday bazaar only made $47.35. She wonders how she can raise the remaining money, and she thinks her problems are solved when she sees an announcement in the newspaper. Some actor named Beau Dillon (is he related to Matt and Kevin? Entourage = FAVORITE show!!!!) is coming to SV to promote his new movie, "Tender Hearts". It's about a kid that gets cancer and almost dies, but then she doesn't (Hey, how does he know Mandy Miller?!?!), and Liz thinks that Beau is exactly who she needs for her fundraiser. She writes him a letter and asks him to help her. (She thinks he can get her a private screening of his new movie or maybe some old costumes for her fundraising, but I'm smarter than her so I know that that stuff is handled by STUDIOS, not the actors themselves...but whatever.)
SVMS has a holiday party (ANOTHER PARTY?!?! My count for this vacation is up around SIX PARTIES at this point, and we still have like 3 Christmas books to go...), and Jess and Liz sing with the choir (continuity- Holiday Mischief!!!! I liked that book), and the "crowd cheered wildly" as Liz sang a solo. They must have ALL gotten some of Alice's "Special Cookies"... Oh wait, they were just cheering because they got excused from school after the choir sang, and now it's WINTER BREAK!!!!! (again) The ENTIRE 6th grade is invited to Lila's party that night (I wonder if she had a Super Sweet 16?!?! Some girls get Mercedes, some get Range Rovers, Lila gets a LIME GREEN TRIUMPH!!!! Take that, bitches!!!!), so everybody's in a fabulous mood. Especially Liz, because there's a letter from Beau waiting for her when she gets home!!! He's coming to help her (he invites himself over to her house, and I begin to wonder just what kind of guy this Beau character is...my gut is telling me that he's shady and I shouldn't trust grown men who go to strange houses to meet 12 year-old girls...), and Liz and Jess are beyond THRILLED!!!!
It's time for Lila's party!!!! Jess is wearing a lavender sweater, a black mini with leggings, and dangly earrings, and Lila's ensemble is described as "expensive-looking". (More of JS's creativity at work right there...) Everybody finds out that Beau is coming and they freak out about it, until Lila says she doesn't believe it, and she doubts he will even show up. So everybody agrees with her and loses interest fast.
The next day, the twins clean their house and wait for Beau to show up. Sadly, Beau is a no-show, so Liz decides to go to the hospital and pity some more sick kids to take her mind off what an ass he is. Jess stays home alone and thinks about how she's going to protest Beau's next movie and DESTROY HIS CAREER!!!!! (Quick Jess, just go Rothlisberger!!!!!) She's not mad that he isn't helping sick kids, she's just mad that he didn't show up, and now she looks like an idiot and a liar. Beau-No-Show finally DOES show up (his limo broke down, SV is just FULL of broken-down limos, it seems!!!!) and he mistakes Jess for Liz (because Liz didn't bother to tell Beau that she has a twin), but Jess doesn't realize it because she's STARSTRUCK!!!! (Future GROUPIE, mark my words!!!!) Beau doesn't have time to discuss anything that day, so he -get this- MAKES A DINNER DATE WITH HER!!!! (I can maybe overlook showing up at a house where a 12 year-old is alone, but making a SOLO DINNER DATE with someone that age is UNFORGIVABLE...even I would have to decline if SVT Bruce asked me out.) At this point, I would like to point out that Jess could save herself a lot of trouble (and me as well, because the book would effectively end right here...) if she just said something like: "Hey, Liz, Beau showed up after you left. He thought I was you, so I played along and now you have a dinner meeting to discuss this stupid fundraiser-thing...", then everything would be fine. But Jess doesn't think to do this, so she just lets Liz sit around and mope all through dinner about Beau blowing her off.
The family celebrates Christmas that night by singing carols and reading 'A Christmas Carol', plus some other stories. Then they each open one gift (I always hated that tradition, so when my parents divorced I demanded that gifts be opened on Christmas Eve, and I've done it that way ever since). Jess opens one from Lila, it's a FREAKING POSTER (WOW, Lila really spent A LOT on her "best friend" this Christmas, NOT!!!), but Jess loves it because it's a UNICORN POSTER. It seems unfair to me, especially when Jess says that she got Lila a pair of unicorn earrings (SV stores must stock up on purple stuff and unicorn paraphernalia in anticipation of the FIVE Christmases it has every year). Liz opens her gift. It's from Amy, so I bet it's a book...yep, it's a book. Amanda Howard, of course. Steven opens his gift and it's a biography of his "favorite basketball star". (I wonder who that was...1989, good year for basketball...I'm guessing Steven's favorite player was either Michael Jordan or Magic Johnson. He seems like a Lakers guy, so probably Magic.) I think I like Steven's gift the best. I wish somebody had gotten me a biography of DAVID LEE last Christmas, then I could recap it for you!!!! Everybody has a fabulously terrific Christmas Eve -except for Jess, she's still feeling guilty. But still not guilty enough to TELL LIZ WHAT HAPPENED (and put me out of my misery!!!!).
Jess goes to bed and hangs her new poster on the wall. She looks at it, and she thinks it's eyes are following her around her room (did she eat more of those "Special Cookies"?!?!). She lays in bed and stares at her lamp. It suddenly changes into the lamp that she and Liz used to have back when they shared a bedroom. Instead of being pink, it's now a CLOWN. (OMFG, I'm OUT!!!!!!! That's it!!!! SarahLynn has had enough!!!! I do not do clowns.) Jess always HATED that lamp, and she broke it on purpose years ago (hahahaha!!!!), but somehow it's come back. The damn scary clown scares Jess -and me- even more as it calls her a liar. (I think I would go sleep in Liz's room if I were her...) Suddenly, it's back to normal (thank god), and Jess is left trying to fall asleep. As she lays in bed, she thinks back seven years to Christmas morning when she was five. She and Liz had gotten a huge dollhouse and "scores of other presents" that year. (BRATS!!!!) She looks at the clock and notices that it's MIDNIGHT. Her bed starts to shake and a little blonde girl appears in her bedroom.
The little girl introduces herself as "The ghost of Christmas past". (Sure, Liz gets a GUARDIAN ANGEL, and poor Jess is stuck with a damn GHOST...real nice, Jamie Suzanne!!!). Jess thinks it's a joke, and she guesses that Steven set it all up, but then she realizes that the little girl is...HER!!!!
Little Jess takes Big Jess to the park. They see the old carousel (it has since been torn down, spooooky!!!), and Little Lizzie and Jessie are riding it. Lil Liz wants to ride it again, but Lil Jess wants to do something else. Little Alice (haha) actually feels like being a parent that day, so she lets Lil Liz have her way and the girls ride it again even though Jess didn't really want to. Big Jess watches this and thinks about how she ALWAYS gets her way these days, but she's happy that Lil Liz got what she wanted that one time.
Lil Jess continues their journey with a stop by Sweet Valley Elementary School. Lil Liz and Lil Jess are in 2nd grade and straight out of a Sweet Valley Kids book. They're even dressed alike. Jess thinks about how much fun that used to be, and about how close she and Liz were back in those days. Proving this, Lil Lila shows up and asks Lil Jess to have lunch with her, but LJ declines because she wants to eat with LL. Big Jess thinks to herself that she would probably go with Lila without a second thought for Liz these days, and she feels even more guilty. At lunch, the lunch lady forgot to give Lil Jess her cookie (not a "Special" one this time, sadly), so Lil Liz shares hers. It's actually pretty sweet, and it makes me want to read some SVKids books after this. LIL BRUCE (OMG!!!!) is sitting at the next table and he witnesses this. He teases the twins and calls them "babies" (haha, some people never change), and Lil Jess stands up to him. She calls him "Bruce Fatman", which is such an appropriate 2nd grade insult. Even I have to laugh at her in this scene, she's just such a lil badass!!!! Nobody messes with Lil Jess's sister, dammit!!!! Not even you, Bruce!!!!!
Lil Jess takes Big Jess home and Jess gets to witness one of the many Christmases that they had during their 2nd grade year. She sees herself getting a makeup kit (at age SEVEN, way to go, Ned and Alice!!!!) and Liz getting a coloring set. They also get some identical gifts, and some dolls (no, not magic elf dolls or Prince dolls...those come later). Lil Liz isn't thrilled with her doll (I guess this was before she realized that not every kid gets gifts...), so Jess switches dolls with her without even thinking about it, because she doesn't want her "best friend" to have a bad Christmas. Big Jess thinks about how she would never do that now.
Jess wakes up after that. She's back in her bed, and it's now 1 AM. her house is eerily quiet, and she sees a glowy white light outside her bedroom door. Me, I would hide in my covers and make somebody else investigate it, but Jess is braver than me so she goes into the hallway and sees a UNICORN standing there. (No, not Janet or Lila or even Ellen, an ACTUAL UNICORN!!!!) The unicorn is even PURPLE, but it's still a scary sight for Jess. The unicorn is obviously the ghost of Christmas present, so Jess climbs on its back and they fly out the window. (Again with the flying in the Christmas stories...)
The unicorn takes her to Beau's house (and I bet Beau LOVES that). Jess hears him talking on the phone about the incredible 12 year-old he met that day (ummm, yeah, he's CREEPY), and Jess thinks he's talking about her until she remember that he thinks she's Elizabeth. Again, she feels guilty. I think the title for this book should have been "Jessica's Magical Guilt Trip"...
The unicorn brings her home so she can witness Christmas morning. She sees the entire thing through Liz's point of view (thoughts and all), which is super confusing to me. I don't get why she was an observer earlier, but now she's seeing it firsthand... Anyways, she watches herself open a gift and immediately snap at Liz that she CANNOT borrow it. Liz just takes the abuse and thinks about how sad she is (again, somebody check her for depression...), and Jess asks the unicorn if she can tell herself to stop being such a bitch and behave differently. Sadly, she cannot.
The unicorn then proceeds to take Jess back to book #1. Jess witnesses the scene where Liz comes home and cries to Alice about Jess being a Unicorn. It's actually pretty on-point, so I won't go too in-depth on it. Basically, Liz cries, and Jess does too.
Again, Jess is back in her own bed. It's now 2 AM, and she still feels that nagging guilty feeling. She tries to forget about it and fall back asleep, but her room disappears and she opens her eyes to find herself outside. She's laying in a field of flowers in the woods beyond Secca Lake. She meets the next ghost- Christmas future, and it's the scariest one of all!!!! It doesn't speak, and it wears a hood so she can't see it's face. The ghost leads her to a group of teenagers in the woods, and she sees a gorgeous blonde in the center of the group. It's her!!!!! She wonders what the point of this lesson that she was supposed to learn is, especially since she's obviously just as popular as she's ever been, and she's HOTT too!!!! All the boys love her, and most of the girls too. She's also super nice to everyone, and when she walks away from the girls, 12 year-old Jess hears the girls wondering why somebody so nice has such a bitchy evil sister. Jess wonders what happened to Liz, and why she couldn't help her be popular too. We learn that there's a trick being played on said sister (these girls are Phi Beta Alphas, and this is an initiation), and it's set up to be a failure. Nobody wants Liz to join the sorority!!!!! Jess hears some crying off in the distance and goes to investigate.
Jess runs through the woods, barefoot and in her nightgown, and searches for Liz. She cuts her ankle on a thorny bush, but she just keeps running because she's worried, She finds her curled up in a ball on the ground, crying hysterically. Jess tries -unsuccessfully- to comfort her, but she soon realizes that it's HERSELF (because her hair is down, and the twin back at the party had a ponytail...that would have been MY first clue). Oh snap.
Jess teleports to the Sweet Valley High football field. She sees Liz sitting in the bleachers, surrounded by admirers. (I'm REALLY bored right now...where did Bruce go?) She looks around and sees herself sitting all alone. Some girls nearby are discussing how much they love Liz (gag me!!!!), and what a bitch Jess is. The girls mention the time she tried to steal Todd from Liz, and the time she played that mean trick on Lois Waller at the Dairi Burger in SVT #1 (that's ALL she's done?!?! Really? I guess this is right after SVH book #1, because she kind of escalates from there). They also mention the time Jess pretended to be Liz so she could have dinner with Beau Dillon. Apparently, he failed to be impressed by Jess, and he was so pissed when he found out she wasn't Liz that he pulled out of the fundraiser and the hospital never got it's full $100... Oh. Shit. That's TERRIBLE!!!! (Really, JS, $100?!?! Lila gets more than that for lunch money.) Jess begs the ghost to stop all the insanity. (As do I!!!!) She's finally starting to see the error of her selfish ways, or something.
Sadly, the ghost refuses to stop (there's a joke here, but I'm NOT making it because I don't find it funny) and it brings Jess to the Dairi Burger. It's Christmas (again, we've had like FOUR of them in this book alone...) and Liz is sitting at a table with her Entourage. She has a PILE (yes, a freakin' PILE) of gifts in front of her. Lila and BRUCE (oh thank god, I was starting to worry!!!!) are there with her. Jess sees that Liz is wearing a gold charm bracelet and thinks -somewhat bitterly- that it was probably a gift from one of her many, many, many friends. Liz = POPULAR, I'm sick of being reminded of this. (And where the hell is Crazy Margo?!?! See, at least there's ONE positive to all of this...or not, depending on your perspective.) Jess sees herself, alone again, at a table in the back. She observes that she looks gorgeous, and stylish, but she just has a bitchy aura about her. She's not all glowy and smiley, and she's become one of those girls that you can tell is just a straight BITCH just by looking at her (I'm sure you know a few of those). Lois Waller is sitting nearby (ahem, Jamie Suzanne, this is a PARALLEL UNIVERSE, so I wish you would have made Lois popular as well, it couldn't have hurt), stuffing her fat face. She invites Jess to sit with her (awwww, Lois is a sweetie, too bad JS isn't taking the moral of her own book seriously), and Jess snaps at her. She calls Lois a loser, and Other Jessica looks on in horror because even she can't believe what a bitch she is.
Bruce and Lila decide to get revenge on Jess for being such a bitch. Bruce struts his sexy ass (hey, he's 18 now...BRUCE!!!!!) up to her table, sits down, and asks her out -TO A DOG SHOW... High School Jess is a dumb bitch, so she accepts, and Bruce goes on to explain that he invited her to the dog show because she's a dog (I think he meant BITCH, but this isn't SVH so he has to do the obvious...) and 12 year-old Jess cries because her high school life really sucks (I agree. That was uncalled for, Bruce, please go apologize!!!!). She again begs the ghost to make it stop.
The ghost is a total sadist, so it brings Jess back to her house in that obligatory pale, swirly mist that only occurs in Sweet Valley at Christmastime and shows her Liz's bedroom. The walls are full of awards, she has thousands of trophies, she's head of Phi Beta Alpha, Honor Student, and her walls are covered with pictures of friends. Her life is obviously very happy, and Jess's mood is not lifted in the slightest. Jess watches Liz write in her journal. She reads over her shoulder and discovers that Liz loves her life, but she isn't happy. Liz is depressed because Jess never listened to her warnings about her selfish ways, and her life sucks because of it. Liz talks about how it tore them apart over the years, especially after the whole Beau thing. Liz was sure that, because Beau bailed on the fundraiser, all the kids in the hospital suffered (again, ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!! I'm sure that SV has at least ONE set of parents willing to put up that kind of $$$ to stop their child from suffering). She was never able to forgive Jess for that (way to be a drama queen and make me sit through an entire boring book, Liz...I hate you right now). Jess reads this and cries again (no, I will NOT count how many times she's cried, I feel she's been through enough after the rejection from Bruce), and she hates herself. (Even though, in all actually, she could have told Liz about Beau in the morning and he would have never had to know...ANYTHING TO STOP THIS BOOK!!!!) Liz starts to cry as she writes...AND I must note that this is the FIRST time she has cried...page 171, nonetheless. Jess pleads with the ghost and swears that she can change. She worries that it's already too late (it's not...), and begs the spirit to tell her otherwise. She grabs in and tries to get it to speak, but it's hood slips off and the cloak wraps around her as she sees that there was NOTHING under the cloak. She screams loudly, and I sigh with relief because I only have ONE chapter to go!!!!! That's the best part of the book thus far, but it's STILL better than that episode of the SVH TV Show that I recapped earlier today.
Jess wakes up again. In true SV Christmas Special fashion, everything has returned to normal. But, of course we need the standard proof that this was actually real, so Jess has scraped ankles from when she ran through the woods. She remembers that it's Christmas (and it's 7 AM, the latest she's ever slept on Christmas), so she runs downstairs to find Liz. They make up, express their love for each other, the usual stuff. Then Jess come clean and tells Liz about the whole Beau thing. Because it's the last chapter, Liz has to forgive her for it on the spot, and they hug again. Liz mentions that she thought Jess was already awake because, when Liz walked by her room earlier, she could have sworn her bed was empty. (Cue scary Twilight Zone music.) They go into the den to open their huge pile of gifts, and Mts. Wakefield scares the hell out of Jess when she says, "It looks like Jessica has finally found the Christmas spirit."
long story short, Jess opens her gifts and gets the horse. Of course, she gives it to Liz on the spot and Liz is thrilled. After all of the gifts are opened, they discover one last one. It's for Liz, and it's from that creeper Beau. Inside is a gold charm bracelet, exactly like the one Liz had on at the DB. (Am I the ONLY one who has a problem with Beau and Liz's relationship? The first meeting was awkward, the dinner date was inappropriate, AND now he's giving a TWELVE YEAR-OLD a GOLD BRACELET...*shudders*) Anyways, nobody in the Wakefield house shares my opinion that Beau needs his ass kicked and possibly arrested, so everyone goes on to have the best Christmas ever (we'll see about that!!!!). The End.

In Case You're Keeping Track
*Elizabeth's Cry Count: 1
*Snack/Meal/Dairi Burger Trip Count: 8
Party Count: 2

Highlights
*Of course, all of the parts with Bruce were my favorite part. Dude, he was EIGHTEEN!!!!! So what if he was kind of an ass, he's just being Miley (I mean, BRUCE, oops).
*Flashing back to 2nd grade and seeing just how much Jess really does love Liz, and vice versa. They were cute as kids, WTF happened?!?!

Lowlights
*Beau. Seriously, I'm still not over his inappropriate behavior. Does he NOT have a PR guy to tell him he cannot go on dates and send expensive gifts to girls in MIDDLE SCHOOL?!?!
*All of these Christmas stories are just pre-exisiting stories that are re-written just enough to pass off as a legit Sweet Valley original...
*Liz only cried ONCE
*I also don't see what was so CHILLING about this. None of the ghosts were evil or anything. I guess in the world of JS, not being surrounded by adoring followers is considered scary...
*Speaking of Jamie Suzanne, why does she INSIST on mentioning food ALL THE TIME?!?! I ate some pretty awesome BBQ while writing this recap, I bet she's super jealous of me and my full belly right now!!!!
*Lois should have been popular. If LIZ can be so well-loved, why can't Lois at least have a boyfriend or a few friends? (Enid, perhaps.)
*Lila is RICH, but she gave Jess a POSTER for Christmas. That must have cost all of five dollars, AT THE MOST!!!!! I would be slightly pissed, but that's just me.
*The school has a CHRISTMAS party. By the time I started school, we weren't allowed to celebrate any holidays other than the regular, non-religious ones. It must have been different in the '80's.