Friday, May 13, 2011

SVH #2 - Secrets

This one will be the shortest one to date, I imagine. I hate Enid, and this book is about her. *Sigh* #3 is better, because that's the one where Jess dates Bruce. I wish I was dating Bruce, then he could pay somebody to write this recap for me and I wouldn't have to be so annoyed by Enid.

I apologize for the poor image quality. I do not own a real copy of this book, so I had to use what was available to me. As you can see, Jess is the one holding the phone and looking all shifty-eyed. Liz is in the background, mouth agape. She's either giving Jess a lecture or pretending to be a blowup doll. She has that facial expression down!!! Again, Jess looks to be about 10 to 15 pounds heavier than Liz. Must be all the makeup...

Our story begins right where book #1 concluded. Jess is complaining to Cara Walker that her hair is ruined from getting thrown into the pool. She has a date with Tom McKay (good luck with that...) and of course Jessica is feeling absolutely hideous. The writer quickly sets things straight. Jessica = absolutely fucking perfect, Elizabeth = ditto. Gorgeous or not, Jess hopes that Bruce was not a witness to her humiliation. In two weeks, there's yet another Big Dance (the Fall Dance!!!) and Bruce is FOR SURE going to be king!!!! Jess wants to be queen because she's in love with Bruce. (What girl ISN'T in love with Bruce?!?! Too bad he's MINE, bitches!!!!)

Down the hall, Liz and Enid are having a sleepover. Liz invited Enid over to cheer her up because Enid has been all mopey and shit lately. Liz (and you and I) are about to find out why...

FLASHBACK!!!!! Two years earlier (1981, by my count)-
Enid's Big Secret is that she used to do drugs and drink alcohol. OMG...NOT!!! She dated an older guy named George Warren and they liked to party together. During one of their wild nights of debauchery, George drove drunk and hit a little boy with his car. They didn't kill him and they were minors, so the courts went easy on them. They escaped with only 6 months of probation and mandatory drug counseling sessions...

George was sent away to boarding school, but he's turned his life totally around and is now graduating early. Enid knows all of this because they write letters to each other, and now she's totally freaking out because George is coming to visit. She's afraid to tell Ronnie about this because of the way he reacted to Jess's "date" with that badass Rick Andover in book #1. Ronnie = judgmental asshole, even worse than LIZ!!! Ronnie has no idea about Enid's past, obviously, and Enid is worried that George will show up and ruin everything. Liz promises not to tell Ronnie anything, but she thinks Enid should tell him eventually. Enid agrees to, but she wants to wait a little longer. She decides to sleep on it, and she quickly falls asleep, dropping George's latest letter on the floor as she dozes off to Sleepyland.

On Monday, Jess sits in French class and watches all of the boys drool over their hott teacher, Ms. Dalton. Ken Matthews is especially enamored by the attractive young teacher, and he gets a lot of shit about it from his fellow classmates. Ms. D. has been tutoring Ken after school, and everybody is very jealous of that fact. Lila, however, is unimpressed. (Love you, Li!!!) Ms. D. has been dating her father, and the fact that everybody thinks Ken is doing Ms. D. on the side is also getting to her. Lila and Ken are going to the Big Dance together, and she's not about to lose her dad AND her (potential) boyfriend to that slutty French whore!!! Lila laughs when Jess brings up the Ken/Ms. D. rumors, and they get into a conversation about how "ancient" Ms. D. is. (She's 25...just like yours truly!!!!) Jess says that she's almost "old enough to be Ken's mom", and I almost want to hate her for that. No, actually I DO hate her for that!!!! Ouch, way to alienate the reader.

Jess spends the rest of her day thinking about "superstar-handsome Bruce" (me too!!!), and she becomes even more desperate to be queen. (*sigh* this again?!?!) Ronnie (Enid's BF) is on the dance committee, and Jess thinks that he will be able to influence people to vote for her. Then she remembers that Ronnie is dating Enid, so he will probably be pushing for ENID to me, this thought will come into play later. Suddenly, Bruce appears (saving me from having to think about Enid) and Jess chases after him as he climbs the stairs with the "loose-limbed grace of a young lion". SEXY!!!! I can see that... Jess catches him and asks him to help her look for her lost lavalier. She whines about how expensive it is and how her parents spent their entire savings on it (like THAT will win you any sympathy, Jess...just wear some booty shorts and a bikini if you want Bruce's attention), but Bruce really doesn't give a shit. He disses her and continues on his way. Winston rushes in to help, but now it's Jess's turn to be the diss-er. She stomps away, leaving Winston to crawl around on his knees in search of a necklace that is not even actually lost.

Jess goes home, ready to cry on Liz's shoulder. Sadly, Liz is out with Enid and only Mrs. W. is around. Jess cries to her mother about how Liz sucks for always hanging out with stupid Enid and Mrs. W. tells her that she's obviously jealous. Apparently, Jess was friends with Enid before Enid even met Liz. Jess brought her home one day and Liz stole her!!!! (Ummm...according to book #1, Liz and Enid became friends in a creative writing class the year before...) Jess is SO not jealous, she just hates stupid Enid, but Mrs. W. just had to go and be a bitch about it. Jess runs upstairs and cries on Liz's bed. (Jess prefers Liz's room to her own because Liz's room is spotless and Jess's room has ugly brown walls and stuff from K-Mart everywhere...yeah, that's what the book said.) As Jess cries, she spots Enid's letter from George on the floor. She picks it up and reads it...

George is a very thorough letter writer. He write enough crap about the accident and Enid's partying days in his letter that Jess is easily able to piece together Enid's Big Secret. George even mentions that they were all hopped up on something called "bennies". (It's an old school stimulant.) Jess decides that she can use this intel to her advantage. If she gets Ronnie mad enough to break up with Enid, Jess will easily be able to talk Ronnie into getting her some queen votes. (Again, I fail to see her logic...) Jess makes a copy of the letter.

The following day, Liz/Todd and Enid/Ronnie are double dating. Ronnie is acting super weird and even more jealous than usual. He scares me!!! He cuts their date short and starts to drive Enid home. On the way, they discuss the rumor about Ken and Ms. D. Again, Ronnie believes the worst and acts like a judgemental ass. Ronnie holds Enid tightly -too tight- and tells her that he knows all about her wild days...and GEORGE!!!! Enid is pissed at Liz (only Liz knew, so Enid is sure that she told Ronnie), and Ronnie quickly dumps Enid's cheating, bennie-popping ass. Enid goes home and, when Liz tries to phone to ask why they left so quickly, Enid hangs up on her. Liz cries and wonders who could do such a horrible (or, IMO, horribly AWESOME) thing.

Meanwhile, in celebration of her secretly delivering the letter to Ronnie, Jess is enjoying some red wine at a party hosted by LILA!!!! (Hell yeah, a party AND a dance all in the same book!!!) Rumor has it that Bruce will be showing up, so Jess is all slutted up and ready to pounce. The Droids are performing live, and Dana Larson is looking stylish as usual. Tonight's outfit:
Tight black velvet jeans, sparkly pink leg warmers, and a purple satin blouse.
Sadly, Jess soon hears that Bruce had declined his invitation. He's at a college party, and his date to the dance is 19 years old!!!! Bruce = PIMP!!!! Lila and Jess wonder why someone so "ancient" would want to go to a high school dance. (Seriously, you two are getting on my nerves today!!!! I went to PROM last month!!!! WHAT?!?!) Jess spots Ronnie and goes to work on her Big Plan. He agrees to be her date to the Big Dance, and she pretends to care about his stupid breakup with Eeny.

Monday arrives, and everybody is STILL talking about the whole Ken/Ms. D. thing. Liz jumps up and tells everybody how stupid they are to gossip and believe such a silly rumor. Ms. D. enters the room wearing sunglasses and looking sad. (Or hungover...does anybody have her alibi for the night of Lila's red wine party???) She tries to go about teaching like nothing is wrong, but as soon as she turns to use the blackboard, she sees that somebody has written something about her and Ken on it. She runs out of the room with tears streaming down her face.

The day continues to go downhill for Liz. She tries to speak to Enid, but Enid just wants to yell at her. Liz cries to Jess, and Jess promises to help her fix things with Enid. Liz actually believes that Jess will do this. Jess goes and plays nice with Enid. She "warns" Enid that Ronnie has been talking about her behind her back, and Enid is even more mad at Liz because of this. Whatever, fuck her!!!! Enid = no great loss.

Liz eventually finds out that Jess and Ronnie are going to the dance together. Jess tells Liz that she's only going with Ronnie so she can put in a good word for Enid and try to fix their relationship so Enid won't hate Liz anymore. Liz is a dumbass today and she believes this. Jess also tells Liz that Enid has been talking a lot of shit about her lately. Liz is upset (of course she is!!!) and she goes and whines to Mr. Collins like she did in book #1. He convinces her that she needs to investigate the matter and find the person who spilled the Big Secret. Liz can only think of one other person who knew- Winston. You see, Win and George have been friends for years, like since before the partying days. Liz tracks down Win and he swears that he didn't tell Ronnie anything.

Liz discusses things with Todd (who mentions that he has a brother...) and Todd informs her that Jess is probably the least trustworthy person he's ever met. (You know what? I kind of have to give him that, being she DID accuse him of trying to rape her...) Liz decides to think about it some more and she goes home. She cleans her room before going to the dance and finds the letter from George. Mystery solved.

Meanwhile, Enid has decided to skip the dance entirely. She's upset about how crappy her life has become, and she decides to bitch about it to someone who's even more pathetic than she is. She goes to -who else- Ms. D. and whines. (I'm not so sure if she should be visiting a teacher that's been accused of sleeping with a student...even if it is a rumor, people would be all over that!!!!) Even Ms. D. (who's so upset about the Ken thing that she has decided to never return to SVH) defends Liz's honor and tells Enid that Liz would never lie. Ever. Ms. D. convinces Enid to go to the dance, and then it's Enid's turn to talk Ms. D. out of quitting. Both agree to give it another chance.

Enid returns home and gets ready for the dance. As she's putting on her dress, George makes his return. He's wearing a suit, so Enid can tell right away that he's a changed man!!!! He's even gotten super gorgeous!!!!! *BONUS!!!!!* He says he knows everything about what happened with stupid ass Ronnie, and he owes Enid a date for the dance. Awwww. She accepts his invite and they seal it with a kiss.

Of course, we haven't had the obligatory REVENGE plan yet. At the dance, Liz enlists the help of Caroline Pearce as the Droids perform yet again. (This time is a song by somebody named Linda she a real person?) Everybody is abuzz, discussing the hottie that Enid is showing off. Everybody is shocked when Ms. D. shows up and dances with Mr. Collins. Enid quickly finds Liz and apologizes for being such an intolerable little whiny bitch. Enid is no longer mad because she realized that Ronnie was never right for her in the first place. Okay then, I really don't care. I'm just reading this for the setup for book #3. Finally, we get to the good stuff and Jess is crownded queen!!!!! Yay!!! Liz's plan involving Caroline rigged the king voting...and WINSTON gets crowned instead of Bruce!!!! Now Jess has to represent the school at important events and attend every dance (including the Big Disco Dance that's 3 weeks away) with WINSTON!!!! According to the rumors, Jess is CRAZY in love with Win. (Score one for Win, even if it IS a rumor!!!!) Jess stands on stange and contemplates strangling Liz...I finaaly see her logic when she makes this decision. According to Jess: Killing Liz = jail time, Jail time = NO BRUCE!!!! (That seems like a very good reason to me!!!!) Liz forces Jess to accept the crown, or else she'll tell the entire school just how far Jess went to win that damn plastic crown. As she stands on stage with tears in her eyes, she makes eye contact with Bruce and a shot of electricity passes between them...thus setting up book #3 - Playing With Fire!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Blah, an entire book about Enid. The only thing that made this book worth reading was the very end. Bruce is SO hott!!!!

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