Sunday, April 17, 2011

Great TV Viewing (Season 1 , Episode 16) - "Love On The Line"

Well Loves, basketball season has ended at long last (minus the Playoffs, but those aren't as time-consuming) and I am free to have a life again! And, by life, of course I mean wasting countless hours of your time by flooding your wonderful brains with new recaps! Sadly, I must inform you that I have left my Handy Dandy Recapping Notebook at work, and I have no intentions of going there on my day off to retrieve it, lest they tell me to clock in and help out my poor, toiling co-workers! So, you're stuck with what I have on-hand: a few episodes of SVH that I watched yesterday. I actually managed to finish all of season one, so I may be able to string this out for a few days...
I must have missed this one the first time around, because nothing seems familiar to me. It's called "Love On The Line", and that makes me think about LOVELINE! And, of course, Dr. Drew! I spent much of my formative years listening to his show on the radio (I didn't have cable growing up, so I never even knew it was a TV show too), compliments of my big sister (yes, we shared a room). Young SarahLynn fell asleep every night listening to Dr. Drew tell me more than I ever wanted to know about sex. (Did you know that it's possible for your rectum to come out? I do, thanks for that, random LoveLine caller.) I guess that contributed to the person I am today...for better or worse. I'm just hope Dr. Drew appears in this episode, because that would make it more interesting.

We begin at one of the three sets that they used for this TV show- The Moon Beach! Yay, Moon Beach!!! Winston is hanging out with his friends and speaking Japanese. No, I did not accidentally turn on the alternate languages again, Winston is getting a Japanese exchange student. He thinks learning dude's language will make him feel more at home. (What is with these Sweet Valley kids always wanting to offend their foreign visitors by mutilating their languages and mocking their customs? Just ask Prince Arthur of Santa Dora...) Win takes a sip of his shake and realizes that Bruce has spiked it! Not with Jungle Juice, but with HOT SAUCE. I can already tell that this episode is going to be EPIC *SARCASM*. This storyline is unessential to the main plot (until the very end when they randomly decide to connect), so I'll just get right to the "drama". Regretfully, it's all about stupid loser Enid...
Next, we continue our a-typical opening by flashing over to Enid. She and Manny are working at some Teen Hotline. (Sadly, this is Sweet Valley, so it's NOT like LoveLine. These kids are lame.) They don't say if this is the Project Youth Hotline that Amy Slutton loves so much, but I think it is. Enid's talking to some guy whose parents are divorcing (see, I told you they were lame) and he's whining about it. Dude, my dad left when I was 12 and I dealt with it, so should you! Enid has divorced parents and she is also lame as hell, so she sympathizes and they get to flirting. Which, by all standards, seems inappropriate in this situation. Obviously, nobody learned anything from the whole Nate Prichard-Lila-Jungle Prom incident. Enid agrees to go on a date with the guy. His name is Mike and he's the STAR quarterback (because all these kids are always STARS, never just quarterbacks or basketball players, always STARS!!!) at Bridgewater High. I wonder if he knows Sam. I hope so, because I'm already about to cry from boredom and I could use a little Sam and Jess action right about now...
Enid tells Liz that she's afraid to go on the date. Mike is awesome (NOT!), and Enid is just so ordinary and lame and stupid and boring and SHE SUCKS!!!! (True.) Liz reassures her that she's HOTT and interesting, and I laugh because she totally isn't. But this Mike guy sounds like a real loser anyways, and he's ugly as hell, so he'll probably LOVE Enid. Liz orders Enid to go out with Mike, and Enid scurries off to meet him at -where else?- The Moon Beach! Yay, Moon Beach!!!!
Enid meets Mike and totally freaks because he's so (not) HOTT. She goes up to talk to him, loses her nerve, and runs out the door with a napkin dispenser for some reason. Jess is outside, and Enid begs her for help. Jess agrees to go inside and talk to Mike about how Enid is actually awesome. (Right...) Of course, Jess has a contractual obligation to want Mike for herself (because it's 5 minutes into the episode and she hasn't met The One yet), so she tells Mike that she -Jess- is Enid. Jess totally steals Mike from Enid, and I love her for it. Enid sucks.
The following day, Lila is super impressed that Jess hooked up with the STAR quarterback. Of course, Liz is less than impressed because stupid Enid is upset. Jess smooths it over by telling the Losers' Club that, if Mike was to find out, this could cause Mike to lose faith in the Teen Hotline! And then he won't call them when he has a problem, or something. I really don't care, but it's enough to shut up Liz and Enid.
Back at the Teen Hotline, Mike calls Enid and tells her he had a fabulous time the night before. (I bet he did...) He wants to take "Enid" on a hot air balloon ride because she's always wanted to go. But, obviously, the real Enid is a pussy, so she talks him into going mini golfing instead. Sweet! Enid drags Liz and Todd along on the date. If you guessed that she begged Liz to be her, then you're right!
Mike shows up and kisses "Enid" (Liz). Todd almost kills him on the spot, but he doesn't. However, he DOES threaten to kill Mike, so I'll let it go. Liz/"Enid" immediately decides that, since Mike likes Jessica, she will act like Jess. She does a real bitch act, and then there's a MONTAGE!
They play mini golf, and Todd bends a putter in half because he's SO angry that Mike hasn't told "Enid"/Liz/Jess to fuck off yet. Finally, Mike has had enough of "Enid"/Liz/Jess's bitchiness and he throws up the deuces. Liz tells Enid (the real one, *sigh*) that it's time to make her move. Todd is relieved that he can now make out with Liz on the mini golf course. Is NOTHING sacred to this guy?!?! Surely, there must be children observing this and getting scarred for life. I guess that's how the Teen Hotline stays in business.
Enid goes and finds Mike. He's playing a solo game of air hockey and not being very gentle with the equipment. He seems to have an anger issue, but I guess Enid has taken the day off from trying to solve everybody's issues. Still, Mike defends "Enid"/Liz/Jess when Enid comments on her bitchiness. He really likes her, so he basically ignores Enid and runs to talk to "Enid"/Liz/Jess (I'm SO sick of typing that). Of course, he finds her kissing Todd. So Enid is forced to explain everything as I try to stay awake. I wish I could jump into the TV and kick her ass for being so stupid. It all works out though, because Mike really likes the real Enid. And so their inappropriate relationship begins at last. No word on if he still calls the Teen Hotline... My guess is that he faked the entire divorce-thing just to hit on some new girls because he already banged all the Bridgewater skanks. I'm guesssing that this will lead to some sort of revenge plot. All of the episodes have one, it usually follows the montage and it's dramatic wrap-up.
Nobody tells Jess about any of this, so we end with Jess in a hot air balloon, waiting for Mike so she can be Enid again. Winston and his exchange student hop in and tease Jess about some stupid shit. Finally, Mike (and his crew of losers) shows up and tell Jess that the truth is out. At that moment, Jess's balloon takes off and she's stuck on a 4 hour ride with Win and his exchange student.

Winston meets his exchange student. Koichi is pretty cool. He knows English (of course) and he gets instant popularity. Even Bruce (!!!!BRUCE!!!!) likes him. Win is a little jealous at first, but Koichi assures him that it's just Japanese culture to be nice to people you don't like. Koichi gets revenge on Bruce by putting a plastic octopus on Bruce's MB burger (Koichi's dad makes rubber food in Japan). Everybody is impressed, but not me. I hate when they randomly introduce new characters 3/4 of the way through the season.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Enid is BORING. I hope she never gets another episode.
*It's perfectly acceptable to date people that you are supposed to be helping. And I am SO calling Dr. Drew and asking him out.
*Koichi is Japanese, yet he has no accent whatsoever.
*Liz and Todd make out WAY too much for a couple that has never even come close to having sex.
*Worst. Episode. Ever.
*I hate Enid more than I have ever hated a TV character in my entire life. Even more than that fucking Agent Self from the last seasons of Prison Break, and that's saying A LOT!
*Someday, I may devote an entire blog entry to my hatred of Enid.

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