Thursday, December 23, 2010

Great TV Viewing (Season 1, Episode 4) "Critical Mass"

Another episode that I do not recall. Wikipedia says this episode involves Bruce Patman's uncle. I don't know what's up with that, but any episode that involves Bruce Patman is sure to be a winner!!!

What the hell kind of name is Amarilis? Wiki gives no information about this girl whatsoever.
Bruce's uncle is a director, apparently, and he's coming to Sweet Valley!!! All kinds of grapevine rumors twist this way out of proportion. He goes from simply visiting to making this huge budget action film... Everybody shits their pants, but Jess isn't phased. She's like "whatevs" and goes on with her day. She's playing Lady MacBeth in a play and invites Bruce and his uncle Andy to go watch her. He declines.
Jess tricks some dork from the Oracle (he's reviewing the play, I guess) into going to a Pearl Jam concert instead of going to the play. Liz gets reassigned to covering the play. Well played, Jess.
Winston is playing MacBeth *gag* and he wants to "practice" being married to Jess. *double gag* She smartly brushes him off, AND gets him to do a long list of things (including getting an issue of "Sassy" magazine for her!!!! I totally used to subscribe to that magazine back in the day, probably when this episode first aired).
Lila is wearing YELLOW overalls. I had those exact same pants back in second grade. Jess pulls out a picture of her in the leopard bikini and sends it to Bruce's uncle...because he might be into that, I guess.
Fast forward to the play. Winston is a dork, enough said. Jess looks SMOKING in her costume, and she totally steals the show. Lila looks like hell in her witch costume...oh wait, that's ELIZABETH and it's NOT a costume!!!! Lila does look nasty, though. Jess continues to cavort about on stage, stealing every scene.
Apparently, the play is NOT like this, and Liz is a total wet blanket, pointing this out very loudly. I just know she's going to trash Jess in her stupid review. Luckily, nobody will read that crap anyways.
Winston gets a good review, so do the witches (especially Lila). As expected, Liz totally trashes Jess. Jealous ho. Ruin her life some more.
Jess goes looking for Liz. "Now we know who the evil twin is"...hahaha. Lila gets the role in Andy Patman's movie, or so she claims. And Lila calls Jess "tacky" for sending the bikini pic, whatever.
Jess is still mad at Liz, rightfully so, and Liz tries a lame apology. Jess blasts her '90's music, and Liz busts in, still yelling. She calls Liz jealous and blames her for losing the movie role.
Cut to the Power Rangers fighting!!! No, seriously!!!! I love crossover episodes!!! And MMFP was my SECOND favorite show of that era. I hope Jessica shows up and becomes the new Pink Ranger...Damn, Red Ranger (at this time...Jason? I think he was Rocky in later episodes, followed by Tommy? If MMFP history serves, the RR was the most powerful, and typically played the leader role...) has a hot girlfriend. Sadly, Jess isn't around, just Liz and Todd (in his preppy ass BMW, no less), looking to beg Jess's way into AP's new film, which is RUMORED to star Christian Slater (who?), Keanu Reeves, Brad Pitt, and like every other male celebrity that was big at the time...
Liz finds Bruce's uncle on set and is all like "I fucked up and gave Jessica a bad review, and then you hired Lila Fowler because I gave her a great review", and AP is all like, "Pause, ho, you think I hired Lila because of YOUR review? Conceited bitch, I hired her because I needed somebody of her size and shape for this and she was right there. WHAT?!?!". Okay, so I made SOME of that up, but this is so far very dull, and the lack of Bruce is upsetting me right now. They could at least have him in the background, texting somebody, or something...Oh wait, there was NO texting in 1994. I don't think anybody but Zack Morris even had a cell phone back then...although, Bruce is LOADED, so maybe he did have the only other cell phone on the planet, so he could in theory be texting Zack Morris...
AP offers Liz a part in his project, and of course she acts like she's humble and suggests Jessica. The "movie" is in fact a COMMERCIAL...BFD. But Jess is happy, so it's cool...or is it?
Lila slips on the floor and breaks her leg. Worst fake fall ever. Then Liz shows up and tells Jess about the part. Fast forward to the next day. BRUCE!!!!! FINALLY!!!! Jess is getting her hair and makeup done, and Lila's on crutches. AP cuts her ass, and Jess takes over her part...
It's a fucking SOUP COMMERCIAL, and Jess is a giant, dancing tomato. Somehow, she still looks amazing, even while being humiliated. I would totally kill Liz for that, but that's just me.

*Bruce Patman!!!!
*Jess totally ROCKS the tomato costume. I think pink is more her color, and blondes usually look horrible in red, but Jess makes it work.
*Jess's dress for Lady MacBeth is also red, and the result is very much the same.
*Jess's performance as Lady MB. Plays bore the hell out of me, but I would have sat through that one!!!!
*Mention of "Sassy"!!!! I love that!!!
*AP telling Liz that her review had nothing to do with Lila being cast. I love when an adult has the balls to tell Liz she's wrong.

*Why the hell is Winston at the commercial shoot? He has NO purpose being there. Nobody likes him except for Liz...and of course T-Wilk has had a boner for him since SVT. But Lila, Jess, and Bruce all despise him.
*Liz trashed Jess's performance, but still found a way to take ALL the credit for Jess getting into the commercial.
*Lila Fowler with RED hair. I just don't get it. I pictured her as a brunette for FOREVER. Way to shatter my childhood illusions, TV.

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