Thursday, December 23, 2010

Great TV Viewing (Season 1, Episode 3) "Skin and Bones"

Again, not a SVH book title. I do not remember seeing this episode at all, so I really have nothing else to say...
Upon further investigation, Wikipedia reveals that this is the episode where Jessica poses for a painting... With that said, I recall Jessica in a leopard print bikini, (is that shot used in the opening/theme song? I'll have to pay closer attention to that...) posing with a tree. I think that was this episode? And, if memory serves, this slimeball paints Jess NAKED!!!! But this is PG TV, so we don't get to see it...

Theme song!!!! I STILL love this part!!!! And, yes, the fanous leopard bikini DOES appear in the opening. Jess looks like a complete ROCKSTAR in that :) Why does the song have to be so short? It should be much, much longer, if you ask me.
Oooh, Jess in a cheerleader outfit. Cue cute guy alert!!!! Oh snap, he's dating ENID?!?! Umm, gross.
Speaking of gross, Liz and Todd are making out in the halls, while Winston hovers nearby. Pointless, for sure.
The principal shows up, and rather than expelling Liz and Todd for the gross PDA, he rips down a stupid joke photo of himself that somebody (I think you know who...LAME PRANK #456374) posted on the school bulletin board. Liz gets all preachy and up in the principal's face about him "taking away their freedom of speech" or something. What a bitch, and the principal just lets her speak that way?!?! I would have at least suspended her. Blah, blah, blah, Liz decided to protect their First Amendment rights...Can we get back to Jessica, please?!?!
Thank god!!! Cut to Jessica's love interest for the episode. No use remembering his name, because we all know he won't ever return to SVH after dating Jess. I swear, that girl is like a black hole when it comes to exes, they just VANISH. Anyways, this guy looks like a guy that went to my high school. We called him "Tarzan", because he had long nasty hair. He was a painter, and he was just BIZARRE, like he would paint nudes in art class- but they were GIRLS IN THE CLASS (and no, none of us agreed to that), so I think he ended up getting expelled. But again I digress...
Jess still has her cheer outfit on, and what man can resist THAT?!?! Horrible '90's music plays, and Jess shuts it off (again, thank god) and begins to make her move. "Creative men are so...creative". Dude responds by asking her to clean brushes. Then Enid show up, and makes a date with dude for the next day. Of course, Jess observes we know where this is going.
Enid accuses Jess of being jealous...hmmm, I'm bored. Jess bullshits her into believing that dude (his name is Dakota) wants to paint her nude. Jess "promises" to take care of it and tell Dakota off. Hahaha.
Liz writes an article for the Oracle, "standing up for students' rights"... I'm sure it was boring. Again, she has to speak to the principal. Good, expel her ass!!!!
Jessica steals Enid's date, and Dakota is desperate for a model, so she shows up in the leopard bikini and saves the day!!!! She models for a PAINTING like it's a photo!?! At least, I'm enjoying this!!! She is GORGEOUS. Love it.
Ohh, Bruce Patman!!! Gratituitous, at best.
Liz is still preaching, blah!!! Jess doesn't give a shit, so...who's going to go see her painting? Ev'rybody!!! Uh-oh. This is a national thing, I guess.
Jess has a speech prepared for the unveiling, haha. Poor girl, she did ALL that hard work for nothing. See, this is why she doesn't do hard work. And Liz says she's never worked on anything, hahaha, the bitchy Wakefield twin is WRONG!!!! Mark that for Sweet Valley history.
Dakota is SO UGLY!!! He unveils his painting and, yes, Jessica is NAKIE!!! Poor girl. Winston snaps a picture, people applaud. I died a little inside. Now everybody's all hating on Jess, and NOBODY believes she didn't pose nude. Like a NAKED 16 year old in public would go unnoticed. And I sincerely doubt that 16 year olds are allowed at nude beaches.
Poor Jess cries, and even her own twin isn't much help. She doesn't even believe her, and she just throws everything back in poor Jessica's face. I want to smack Liz, especially where she says "It's humiliating for both of us. I'm in the picture too!!!" Because, like, they're IDENTICAL TWINS, haha. I want to vomit, Liz is such a selfish little BITCH!!! If I were Jess, I would have totally been like "ELIZABETH DID IT!!!!" and convinced EVERYBODY of that fact.
Liz goes to talk to that asshole Dakota. He's painting another girl already. I like his paint shirt, hahaha. He admits Jess wasn't really nude, and bitch believes HIM. Liz trips out and Todd theatens to kill Dakota, but luckily they videotaped his confession, so everybody believes Jess, never doubted her at all...rigggght.
Jess goes to see Dakota and plays it all off like she's happy and fine with it all. She tells him she doesn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks, and she's very excited for the opening. Well played, Jess!!! Why isn't Steven Wakefield in any of these episodes?!?! If this was a book, he would totally be right there to cut Dakota's nuts off, just sayin. Dakota is wearing overalls *gag*. Jess convinces him to go to the beach with her...and what man would resist that?!?!
She tricks him into agreeing to go swimming and, while he's stripping, all of SVH's lovable losers pop out and take pics. Told you Winston was gay!!!! They blackmail him and he relents- painting the leopard bikini on her.
Liz apologizes for the mean article about the principal, and he's all like "No, precious Liz, this is my fault, I'm sorry" *gag again*. Bitch ALWAYS gets her way, damnit!!!! Makes me sick.
So everything's good again in Sweet Valley, and that wraps it all up.

*Jessica's leopard bikini. Girl ROCKS that ensemble despite its hideous cut (high cut sides, high cut waist, bra-style top...uber-'90's all the way) and you just know Liz is JEALOUS as hell of the way she looks in it.
*Bruce Patman's "GUN SHOW"!!!!! Ohhhh, yeahhh (Kool Aid Man voice)!!!! I love when Bruce appears.
*Todd again theatens to kill someone. Why won't he make good and kill Liz to put me out of my misery?
*Jess in the cheer outfit. As a former cheer captain, I LOVE that they preserved this aspect of Jessica Wakefield.

*Needlessly extended Dakota stripping scene. Vomit.
*Elizabeth doesn't care about Jessica's misery, she's more upset that Jessica looks like HER (I think it's the other way around, hun, because you look like a pale, aged, Jessica wannabe to me...) in her nudie painting.
*Nobody comments that Jess is in fact 16 (or maybe 17 at this point) and that painting is still considered ILLEGAL (at least here in my state it is, not entirely sure about in California)...Where the hell is Chris Hansen when you need him?!?!

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