I know I said I wasn't going to do this one, but I'm bored to an entirely new extreme today. So I'll just suck it up and do it just to get it out of the way. Plus, after I recap this, I only have one more episode to do and I will be halfway through season 1 (which I might or might not celebrate this milestone by posting more of my original work...namely, Freshman Year!!!!).
Like I said in my last recap, I hate this episode for multiple reasons, which must be why I have no trouble remembering this one. I remember that this episode is a story written by Elizabeth (yawn) and it involves secret agents, and also Todd. But at least Bruce is included. I may space out for some of this episode (unless it's better the next time around, doubtful) so forgive me if I digress too much and leave out important details.
This episode is on disc 2 of season one, so I'm going to try something new and recap while watching it on my laptop. I was using YouTube, but switching between browsers is a bitch. Anyways, we'll see how it goes.
During the theme song, we see both 1BRUCE1 and the twins' Jeep, but for whatever reason they did not include Lila's lime green Triumph in this show. Perhaps because Triumph ceased making vehicles in 1984. (Right around the time SVH started, I'm surprised business didn't EXPLODE because of Lila...) The Wiki page has photos of not one -but TWO- green Triumphs!!!! Must have been quite the popular color. I wasn't born yet, so I don't know.
We begin our show at Sweet Valley Cinema. We find Winston (sans glasses, when did he get contacts?), Penny, Enid, Todd, Lila (in a hideous yellow jumper with a matching coat, I imagine the real Lila Fowler later sued the producers for character defamation), Liz, Jess, AND -much to my excitement- BRUCE!!!!! Our hero is wearing a white polo under his trusty SVH sweater and jeans, and his dark hair is falling into his dark eyes...*sigh* They all just watched an action movie, I guess, and Bruce claims that girls can't do action stuff like guys can... Enid gets all mad and gives him a weak punch (ARREST HER!!!!!), poor Bruce. Lila wants sushi (movie theaters have sushi bars?!?) and everyone goes along with her on that (hey, if she wants to pay for it, I will absolutely eat some raw fish), except Liz. Liz wants to go cheat on Todd...oh wait, she wants to write a short story for Teen Lit magazine. (I wonder who reads that? What are the articles about- Sweet Valley High? If they were, and the included pictures of Bruce, I might read it.) Liz goes home to write- using a laptop that looks like it belongs to Zack Morris. (ahhh, 1994 technology!!! That laptop must have cost a million dollars back then.) Jess tries to get Liz to stop being such a nerd and come with her to Judy's party (who?), but Liz is super lame so she just keeps writing. Jess suggests that she at least write about something interesting and glamorous- like HER!!!! I love the idea, I might even read Liz's story if it was about Jessica...as long as Bruce was in it.
Cut to inside Liz's head (not literally)- Jess is a super secret spy in a black bodysuit. She has on a short platinum blonde wig, and her name is Platinum Blonde (sounds kind of like 'Bond', get it? *sigh*). Damn, that is a very revealing outfit...super low cut AND she has on hooker boots. (I think I have a similar pair!!!!) Cheesy James Bond/Dick Tracy-sounding music plays and we see Manny- aka Manny Penny in this story. Manny is Enid's secretary and an obvious rip-off of Ms. Moneypenny, and I'm already bored by this. Enid shows Platinum pics of Lila (Gold Fowler in this one...obvious GoldFINGER rip-off) and Bruce (Pecs Galore, haha, in the Bond movies that's -wait for it!!!- PUSSY GALORE!!!!), and I think Bruce looks hott as hell in his photo. Jess's code name is Double D 7 (like 007, I'm sick of Bond references already). Enid keeps talking, and it's probably important stuff I should pay attention to and share with you, but I'm starting to zone out already. GF and PG hate each other, they only get together to "socialize" (read: plot evil things, I'm guessing) and sometimes have sex (it's implied). Anyways, they've been donating Wacky Weasel video games to major cities nationwide and Enid is suspicious. (Enid is wearing a suit and tie and her name is E- rip off of Bond's boss M...I wish she was replaced with E from Entourage, because I like that show and would much rather be watching that right now.) She can't find PG and GF's hideout, so she's giving that assignment to Jess/DD7/Platinum Blonde. Jess gets some spy stuff (beauty mark tracking device- Jess's reaction: "I always wondered what it would be like to have an imperfection"- laser earrings, and lipstick periscope. E then goes on to warn Jess about GF and PG's "muscle"- OctoPatty (half human, half mollusk, whatever that means, I say HALF RIP-OFF OF OCTOPUSSY!!!!)...and I wish this episode was over already.
GF, PG, and OP are hiding out at some bar/piano club. E and Jess show up and run into Manny Penny- he works there too, I guess. Suddenly, real life Todd interrupts Liz's stupid story (for once, I'm happy he showed up) and asks why he isn't in it. We snap back to reality. Todd is wearing a stretched-out green tanktop, and I am so happy that the 90's ended like 10 years ago because that is such an ugly outfit. Somehow, Liz has managed to change clothes and relocate into the kitchen. It could be hours later- maybe days- and I'm thinking that it's ridiculous that it took her THAT long to write all of that. So not impressed. Todd wants to be the hero who saves Platinum Jess, but Liz says that her story is about "a reverse universe" where men play women's roles (ie. Manny the secretary, Bruce as Pussy Galore, Lila as Goldfinger, Jess as Bond) and Todd thinks it's unrealistic. I agree, because that is SUCH stereotyping!!!! (These people have obviously never met Greg Focker- he's a NURSE!!!!) Todd drinks out of the milk carton (from Liz's fridge, how disrespectful, if he did that in my kitchen he would be buying me some new milk) and I want to smack him through the screen. But he redeems himself slightly when he asks who the hell would want to read Liz's stupid story anyways (ummm, Todd, YOU just read it...).
So Liz writes him in. He's known as Simply Luscious- 'Gold Fowler's main squeeze'... I have never heard that expression used before. E tells Platinum/DD7/Jess/I hate typing all of this to go crack him. Jess (fuck it!!! I'm just gonna call her Jess, deal with it) is confident that she can. Jess goes to GF/PG/OP/SL's table and exposes GF for cheating at cards. The dealer is upset, and GF sics OctoPatty on his ass!!!! OP then tries to attack Jess, but Jess is too quick. She shoves OP off of her and asks Todd -I mean Simply Luscious- to dance. SL (hey, that's MY name!!!!) accepts, and instantly reveals to Jess that the Moon Breaker Cafe (Moonraker, ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!) is the secret hideout.
Back to reality, Enid interrupts Liz this time. (Liz has relocated yet again to the Moon Beach.) Enid wants to know why Bruce and Lila are all hooked up, and Jess and Todd, but Enid is all alone. (Ummm, how about Manny???) Enid whines about how boring she is (seriously!!!) and storms off, leaving Liz alone with her laptop.
Liz rewrite her story to exclude Jess and SL Todd's kiss, and instead sends her characters to the Moon Breaker (in the Jeep, of course, although Todd's BMW or 1BRUCE1 or even a certain lime green convertible would have been more appropriate. Bond has impeccable taste in vehicles). Jess leaves Simply Luscious Todd outside while she investigates, and OctoPatty attacks him.
GF and PG are all alone, and back to plotting. All of the video machines have been delivered, except the one for Sweet Valley. They plan to deliver it themselves, and we learn that there are bombs in the machines. (what?!?! NO!!!!) Jess spies on them while they do this (apparently each city will pay them ONE MILLION DOLLARS so they don't blow them up...okay, whatever). Winston is the evil computer guy and he starts the process of bombing some country that won't pay. I look at the time counter and realize that the episode is only half over. It's so boring.
OctoPatty attacks Jess and throws her into a jail cell with Toddy McLuscious (in my boredom, I have began to rename characters). GF straps them to a "sushi wheel" of some sort and is about to kill them, and I hope it happens because I have entirely stopped caring at this point. Even Bruce hasn't been able to save this episode. (plus, I'm in a bad mood today, so that's probably not helping...sorry.)
Luckily, Real Jess interrupts Liz's insanely stupid totally plagiarized story. Jess doesn't want her character to die, despite my wishes. I suddenly realize that Liz is not a main character in this episode (other than a few reality scenes and quick cuts), and I start to like it a little better because of that.
Oh damn, SarahLynn spoke TOO SOON!!!! Liz writes herself into the story (I wish I could do that!!!), wearing a short red zip-up dress that looks like it's made of latex. I wonder where this is going...is this going to be like some of those FanFiction stories I happened upon the other day? (People are DIRTY, filth!!!! All of it!!!! j/k, I like any story as long as it has correct spelling and grammar.) But no, Liz is there to save the day in a non-sexual way!!!! (That rhymed!!!!) She has matching boots (they look like fishing boots or rain boots though, not cute) and her name is Ash Blonde. And there's a totally inappropriate camera shot of her from the waist-up, and I think it must have been cold on the set that day, plus she is not wearing a bra, so that doesn't help. She frees Lushy Simple Todd, and they make out randomly (*gag*) before freeing Jess.
Upstairs, Winston is working on blowing up Sweet Valley and we see lots of old bomber plane footage, ect. It reminds me of the old Muppet Babies episodes where they would open up the closet to grainy film footage of random stuff, and I always hated that part. They have to stop him!!!! Oh wait, he's a prisoner too, so Liz unlocks him with virtually no fanfare and then takes all the credit for saving Sweet Valley.
Everybody has gathered at the Real Moon Beach to read the story. Nobody likes how Liz ended it, or how she made their characters. I would have said, "Your story sucks, bitch. All you did was take the movie 'Goldfinger' and some of 'Octopussy' and changes some stuff -poorly- and pretend I wrote it." But I'm a bitch, so that's probably why they never invite me to their parties or to the Moon Beach or write back to the fan letters I wrote them all back in 1991 (actually, Bruce DID respond to my letter, but that's a story for a future entry, so I won't say anymore)...
Jess is in her cheerleading uniform, so I just lost my train of thought... Umm, where were we? *thinking* Oh yeah, Liz's story sucks, everyone hates it, but I'm having a lot of fun researching the Bond references in this episode. I wish I was watching a Bond movie right now. I have the box set!!!! So the story sucks, but the episode isn't too bad...
So Liz goes back and re-writes the ending...While she frees Winston (aka- Freeplay, whoever that's supposed to be?), Jess fights off OctoPatty. But they're TOO LATE!!!! Sweet Valley will explode in TWENTY minutes (they bombed an ENTIRE country earlier, but nobody seems to care, because Sweet Valley is the most important place on Earth), oh shit!!!!
PG and GF are at the Mall, about to make their getaway. (How they knew that their machine was about to go off, I have no idea, but Jess knew where to find them because of the beauty mark tracking device.) There's a chase, and Bruce (as Pecs Galore) kicks Liz in the face!!! (I'm starting to LIKE this episode, oh no!!!!) But she kicks his ass in return (and it's actually kind of HOTT). And of course this is the obligatory montage for the episode (I incorrectly assumed that Liz would NOT write a montage into her story). There's some more chase, then they find Winston playing the doomed video game in the food court. GF and PG take off, and the twins and Simply Todd Luscious run over to Win. They disarm the bomb in like two seconds, and run off to return it to it's owners. PG and GF are making their escape in 1BRUCE1, but the rear license plate is blacked out (I guess 1PECSGALORE1 was too long to fit...LOL), but luckily this show is made by the same people who make Power Rangers, and thus Liz has a Ninja death star that she throws at 1BRUCE1. Device goes BOOM, 1BRUCE1 is no more. (I bet Real Bruce was not pleased by this...was Liz writing this with her Magic Pen from SVT?!?! I knew she was to blame for the untimely demise of 1BRUCE1 in later years.) Liz again takes 100% of the credit and makes out with Todd the Lush, while Jess shares my feelings about how gross that is.
Snap back to reality. Everyone is reading the story out loud. Lila and Bruce hate that their characters were eliminated, and Jess hates being saved by Liz. All the other people with lame parts in the story are happy, though, and Liz doesn't really even like her friends anyways. Bruce again says girls can't play action heroes (Ummm, sorry babe, but Kickass was a great movie, and I want to marry Michelle Rodriguez for all of her fabulous roles...oh wait, those didn't exist in 1994, nevermind) and the can't write about them (Sorry again Bruce, girls can write!!! Just not Liz, so don't judge ALL of us based on Liz's fake story that was totally written by MEN -both in the Bond world AND the SVH world-ok?). But Liz doesn't care. Teen Lit is publishing her story!!!! (OMG, really?!?! Have none of them seen a BOND MOVIE EVER?!?! Damn female publishers!!!! *that was for my Bruce!!!!*) Four pages!!!! Liz already has the magazine, so it must be weeks later, and she signs Manny's copy for him. Everybody leaves her alone with Real Todd (Thank god it's back to normal Sweet Valley, having to remember what his name was was starting to get annoying)...He asks if she really thinks he's sexy and she says "Of course I do, my little stud muffin.." and SarahLynn remembers again why I hate Elizabeth as they kiss and the episode ends.
*The costuumes. So wrong, but who doesn't love 18 year old twins in horribly slutty clothing?!?
*Lots of Bruce. I love Bruce. Did you know that?
*I hated the story before I realized that it was a total theft of Bond movies. Once I realized that, I had LOTS of fun Googling and discovering the references. I bet Elizabeth loved when Google was invented...so much to read and be an expert on!!!! I've learned more from Google searches that I ever learned in high school. (And probably WAY more than Sweet Valley students learn in their 12-16 years of education combined...)
*Not much Elizabeth, until the end of the story. Even then, she was tolerable. Until they went back to the real world, that Liz still sucks!!!!
*My beloved 1BRUCE1 was harmed!!!! Even in fiction, that is NOT acceptable. Destroy your own car, Liz...oh wait, you did that on Jungle Prom night.
*Total plagiarism, and yet Liz got published...WTF?!?!
*Who were Winston and Todd supposed to be? I couldn't figure it out.