SVT #4- Choosing Sides

Intro- Today is your lucky day!  I'm bored, so I read another book from my collection.

Cover- This is the edition I have.  It was published in 1986 (when your truly was approximately one year old, but this is a Scholastic reprinting from like 1998. As you can see, their uniforms are very conservative.  Jess seems to have pretty good regrowth going on, like the Twins often do on these newer covers.  Natural blonde, ha!  Also, that girl on the far right looks like a young Mila Kunis.  I think that's supposed to be Ellen, with Lila hiding in the background.  Amy looks better on this cover than she does on the original one, but I can totally see that she's going to grow up to become a girl of questionable morals.  Love her shoe and sock combo!

Summary- Liz is setting the dinner table for Jessica.  Again.  Because Jessica has very important cheerleading stuff to do!  She's prancing about her room in a leotard, and this leads us to a description of the Twins.  (Side note: there's an awkward paragraph where Liz makes Jess go downstairs for dinner and Steven asks "who's that babe in the leotard?" And I cringe.). Jess babbles about how the Unicorns have started the first-ever cheerleading squad at SVMS.  They're called the Boosters and consist of Jess, Lila, Ellen, and Janet, so you know they're super cool and everybody wants to join!  They have to have open auditions for the rest of the school.  Jess is pissed that so many "gross girls" like Amy Slutton and Lois Waller signed up.  Leave me girl Lois alone, you vile bitch!  At Lois is trying to participate in physical activities and better herself.  You sit down, and think about how mean it is to discourage her!

The next morning, Liz thinks about how her house is one of the nicest ones on the block as she leaves for school (I totally didn't even make this up!).  She and Jess walk with Nora Mercandy, and I'd forgotten who that was so I got all excited thinking it was Crazy Nora.  Sadly, it wasn't.  At school, the Boosters hold their first round of tryouts.  They teach everyone the lamest cheer ever "(boy's name) (boy's name), he's our man!  If he can't do it, no one can!".

Meanwhile, because we need to establish a subplot that we can later connect to the main plot, the boys are having basketball tryouts!  Go Bruce!!!!  Bruce makes fun of Ken Matthews for being short and Ken considers leaving until Liz sees and decides to meddle.  She convinces him to stay, and the coach (thinking that the tallest boy on the court is Ken) raves about how Mr. Matthews was his best player, All-State, blah blah blah, I'm getting bored.  Ken has to tell the coach that he's mistaken and the coach is surprised by how short Ken is.  (Side note:  has he never heard of Allen Iverson, or Steph Curry?!)  Ken leave crying and runs into Liz, who offers him help from Steven.  Didn't Ken grow up to be a professional football player or something?  He probably owes it all to Steven Wakefield.

Liz is sad that Amy ditched her for the Boosters, so she basically forces Ken into coming over.  Ken says her house is nice (and I swear there was at least one SVK book where he went to their birthday party or something) and we learn that "Elizabeth loved to hear people admire her family's house".  Shut up, Liz.  Anyways, Ken totally sucks at basketball, so Liz gives him a tennis ball to practice with.  As he's starting to improve, my darling Bruce rides by on his bike and makes fun of him again. I laughed, because I've missed Bruce terribly.

After Ken leaves, Jess complains to Liz about Amy and makes fun of her for hanging out with Ken.  Jessica is terrible in this book, and she says that Liz being friends with Ken is bad for her (Jessica's) reputation.  Especially if someone like Bruce saw them together!  Amy calls at some point and apologizes for ditching Liz earlier.  She tells Liz that she just really wants to be a Booster, and also asks why Liz and Ken were talking earlier.  Hmmmm...

Bruce is awesome, so he's told everyone that Liz and Ken are dating by the next day.  I guess Todd was on vacation or something, because he doesn't show up to punch Ken. Jess is pissed, Amy is jealous.  Ken laughs it off and says he's not giving up on his sportsball.  He talks to Amy about the Boosters and sparks fly between them.  Amy is not very interesting at age 12, so I have no idea why. Maybe Ken has psychic powers and knows that Amy will put out eventually.

Because we have to start teasing the next book (#5 Sneaking Out), Liz is at home writing an article.  Jess is playing the new Johnny Buck album too loudly, so Liz barges into her room to demand that she lower the volume.  While she's in there, she looks at the hat that Johnny Buck threw in her direction that she let Jessica have.  (It's like when I went to a Red Sox game and Big Papi threw his batting gloves at my sister and I, but we only caught one and she let me have it.  Now, we live together and we share it!)  Jessica's room is basically a shrine to Johnny.  I picture him looking like Justin Bieber with a mullet and acid washed jeans, possibly a studded leather jacket and feathered bangs.  Jessica again tells Liz to stay away from Ken "Social Suicide" Matthews.

Meanwhile, Ken practices and starts to improve.  He can't get his mind off Amy and it's pretty lame.  Amy is also practicing hard.  Apparently she's super good at baton twirling but the Boosters aren't aware of this yet.  Lila and Ellen call her and suggest that she quit.  She hangs up on them.

The next day, over a lunch of "pizzaburgers", Lila tells Jess that Johnny Buck is coming to town in the next book!  Jess is all upset because tickets cost $25!  Oh, the humanity!  Janet sits down and announces that she has a plan.  The Unicorns write a letter to Amy (pretending to be Ken) and tell her that she really sucks and that she should just give up.  They also write one to Ken (from Amy), professing her love and wanting to know if he loves her too.  It's all pretty stupid, so I'm starting on beer #3 for the day.  Amy immediately figures out that Ken didn't write the letter, but Ken gets all butthurt over his and refuses to talk to Amy.  Liz overheard Lila and Ellen discussing the letters in the bathroom and confronts them.  They tell her that they have a "special surprise" waiting for Amy at her next audition.

Liz straightens things out with Ken before his tryouts, but Amy will not listen to her warnings about the Unicorns' dastardly plan.  Basically, they make her do that stupid cheer from earlier using Ken's name, and she has to do it all alone in front of everyone.  Surprisingly, it distracts my Bruce, and Ken is able to score on him a few times.  He likes that stupid cheer and is motivated.  After Amy finishes, she keeps cheering and gets the crowd involved too.  Then she busts out her super sweet baton skillz and the Boosters beg her to join.  Ken also gets a spot on the basketball team and is going to surprise his dad with the news.

Cue awkward exposition/teaser for the next book.  Johnny Buck is coming, as we all know.  And Jess will do anything to go.

Afterthoughts- I picked this book up, thinking it was a newer one because of the cover.  These older books are pretty short, so it only took like an hour to read and blog.  Maybe I'll attempt the Jungle Prom series next because these SVTs are melting my brain.  But, points for Bruc being on 1/3 of the pages.

The Unicorn Club #11 - Angels Keep Out

Intro:  I know I haven't blogged in months, and I blame this book for my absence.  It nearly caused the death of this blog!  It's a terribly boring story that, like most of these UC books, just won't end!  Seriously, my notes alone cover 5 pages and it keeps switching back and forth between twin perspectives to tell a story with a predictable conclusion.  So please bear with me as I struggle through this one, which was published in May of 1996, according to my notes.  

Cover:  Apologies for the terrible image as I am STILL without proper Internet and being forced to write this on my iPhone. Shown here we have 4 girls in purple shirts (Ellen is holding the pointer in front of a poorly-drawn party map, Jess is the blonde, and I'm guessing Kimberly is the slutty-looking one while Mandy is in front with some awesome high top Chucks).  The back cover tells us that it's a Jessica book (read: brace yourself for some lame Elizabeth chapters!) and that the UC is having a co-ed party.  Not to be outdone, those damn Angels are having one as well...on the same night!  And they're stealing the UC's party ideas, as well as their guests!  

Story:  We begin our story on a Thursday.  Jess is at the daycare center, eating all of the poor kids' graham crackers because apparently her 3 daily meals and after school trip to the Dairi Burger weren't satisfying enough.  As she's consuming the last of the snacks, it's mentioned that the center is running low on supplies.  Lila suggests a fund raiser, because Mr. Fowler is currently out of town and is thus unable to solve this financial crisis.  Jess loves the idea and agrees to mention it at the next UC meeting.

With that important plot device established, we are then informed that the UC is still suffering the after effects of the tragic UC/Angels split.  I missed that book, but even I know that Mandy originally sided with the Angels but has since rejoined the UC (excellent choice, Mandy).  Jess and Li (and SarahLynn) make fun of the Angels for being "goody-goody".  (Side note: has anyone ever used that phrase outside of SV?!). They're quickly put in their place by some kid named Gabriella (who I'm picturing as a 6 year old Vanessa Hudgens) and her claims that her "major hunk" of a brother (an 8th grader named Antonio) says that the Angels are the best club at SVMS.  Because I guess 8th grade boys in SV are concerned with that sort of thing.  Yawn.  

Naturally, this launches Jess and Li into a panic.  It's obviously a MAJOR crisis and they decided to call an emergency UC meeting at Jess' house on Saturday.  Kill me now, please.  

Jess runs home to establish one of the book's lame subplots and, upon barging into Liz's room, discovers her twin writing Todd's name repeatedly on a piece of paper (psycho much?!  I can only hope that Margo has taken over!).  Jess teases Liz about her creepy Todd obsession, and Liz declares that she's in live with him.  Jess gives her some boy advice (awww) and admits that Todd is "very cute" but about as exciting as a math quiz.  Ha.  Nonetheless, she's happy that she and Liz still have something in common.  (No, she doesn't mean TODD...yet, just boys in general.)

The following chapter takes us to Friday (sweet, I just started a job where I have weekends off for the first time EVER!  Yay, Friday!).  Oddly, it's told from Liz's POV.  Damnit, I thought that the creation of the Angels meant no more Liz chapters!  Fuck.  Liz is sitting at the stupidly-named Angeliner (wtf, that makes zero sense) and staring creepily at Todd.  She's so into her stalking that she's completely ignoring her friends.  Since she's spacing on her own chapter, the book helpfully introduces us to the Angels...

We meet Mary and Maria with minimal detail but, oddly, we get a lot of background on Evie.  And it's all wrong!   Her mother has somehow been resurrected from the dead (see books 2, 3, and 5 recaps) along with her grandfather!  They both "live" with Evie and her grandmother, who's awesome and runs a thrift store.  The ever-captivating Angels' lunch discussion centers on cleaning their rooms and doing homework.  No wonder Liz isn't listening.  

Liz has a super lame daydream about Todd showing up with a rose and declaring the day to be Elizabeth Wakefield Day!  Lame lame lame.  Liz's dream day involves dancing on the beach and her fantasy ends with Todd learning in for a kiss while SarahLynn vomits in the Pacific Ocean due to excessive amounts of LAME.  Liz comes out of her stupor and is sad that she can't tell her friends about her crush. Because they're shitty friends who would accuse her of acting like a Unicorn if she acknowledges the opposite sex...I guess.  

Back in AngelLand, everybody's whining about how much they miss Mandy, so Liz decides to cheer everyone up...with brownies.  The binge sesh is scheduled for the following day (Saturday) at Casa Wakefield.  Uh oh!

The book then randomly switches to Saturday.  We are spared more Lame Liz and join Jess at the Fowler's pool!  All of the UC is present and they're freaking out about Antonio considering them only the 2nd best club!  Hey, at least you still outrank the Eights!  Kimberly considers this to be a major "public relations problem", to which Ellen (LOVE!) replies "I get along with the public just fine!"   Awww.  Luckily, Kim has a plan already.  

The UC decides to garner free publicity and advertising by throwing a party!  The gala event will consist of a BBQ at the Wakefields (because, it's not like anyone else in the club has a sweet house where one could throw a better party?!) and the Angels are NOT invited!  Jess and Mandy naturally think this is a bitch move and Li begins to agree.  But Kimberly has spoken, and her word is apparently the law. 

Chapter 3 takes us back to the Angels pity party.  Liz is choosing a sexy outfit in the hopes of impressing Todd.  Her hotness consists of an old red sweater, a black and white checkered mini skirts, and black pumps.  What 13 year old wears pumps?!  That outfit sounds atrocious and I hope Kimberly (SVMS' answer to Regina George) makes fun of it.  Liz whines internally about not being able to tell the Angels about Todd.  I guess they missed the entire SVT series or something.  

The Angels agonize over proper party attire (and I begin to think about how the Angels are actually quite similar to the UC...) and decide that their only salvation is Mandy's "awesome" fashion sense.  The Angels basically feel inferior to the UC at this point, so they trash talk the UC to make themselves feel better (see, no difference at all!).  The Angels discuss how stupid the UC is because they like boys and have crushes, which the Angels deem "shallow".  I guess they've forgotten about that atrocity that is UC book #5 at this point...MARY!   Anyways, Liz feels sad because she actually likes boys, and she thinks that she's just like the Unicorns.  (Oh, honey, you WISH!)

The Angels mope around Casa Wakefield and Mrs. W, sensing their melancholy, suggests throwing a party to raise their spirits.  Because parents in SV apparently think nothing of blowing a ton of cash on snacks for club meetings, their willingness to finance massive parties for the entire student body of SVMS is merely an afterthought.  The Angels decide to throw a BBQ...and Liz secretly dreams about inviting Todd.  Because the Wakefield backyard will be the location, Liz decides she has to invite Jess but, bitchily, hopes her twin won't want to attend.  Ouch. 

Jess comes home and announces her intention to throw her party the following Saturday (with no protests of short notice or consideration of expenses from her parents, sigh).  Liz is all "WTF?!", and Jess accuses Liz of stealing her party idea.  Mrs. W, presumably not wanting to cover 2 separate sets of party expenses, suggests combining the functions.  Yeah fucking right!

On Monday, the UC gathers around the Unicorner and expresses their outrage over the Angels decision to throw a party. Mandy is the only one with a soul, so she is secretly sad that they can't combine their festivities.  Li decides to offer up Fowler Crest as a party locale, which she really should have done in the first place and spared me the hour that I had to spend reading this horribly boring book.  

Mandy's still feeling sad after school so she ventures to the daycare center, where Liz is also trying to cheer herself up.  They talk and realize that they miss each other and that their friendships are really more important than their lame clubs.  Liz invites Mandy to the Angels party, which has been moved to Friday.  

While at the center, Liz overhears the director complaining about the lack of funds.  Of course, she decides to further complicate the plot by enlisting the Angels to help with the crisis.  Because switching the party to a different day solved the original dilemma, this plot device will surely lead to the UC and Angels crossing paths...

Because Luz hasn't reached her daily lameness quota, she runs into Todd on her way home.  And I begin to space out a little as they discuss the weather.  For real.  Liz randomly blurts out that Todd is invited to their party and he accepts the invite, saying "it's a date!"   I imagine that this causes Liz to faint from happiness. 

Meanwhile, the UC is at Li's again.  They've decided to have a gourmet dinner party with hot new chef Jean Jacques (how much more stereotypical can these books' portrayal of the French get?!).  They're currently tasting the menu and discussing when they will have their party.  (Wait, I thought they were doing it on Saturday?). Mandy informs everyone that the Angels' party has moved to Friday at 7 and suddenly Jess and Kim decide that they want to have theirs on Friday at 7, too!  Seriously?!  Bitches.  Mandy and Ellen (who, as president, should REALLY contribute more!) are unsure of this.  

Jess goes home and tells Liz that the Angels should probably just cancel their party because the UC is obviously superior in the party department.  Liz gets upset when Jess tells her about the scheduling and accuses Jess of stealing her date/time.  Liz calls the UC "nasty" and "unfair", so Jess plays the bitch card and says that Mandy was the one who told them about the date change.  Liz wants to cry, but since this isn't SVT, she gets pissed instead.  Oh no.  

On Tuesday, Liz is still mad.  Mandy approaches her and apologizes for tipping off the UC.  She blames Kimberly and says that she wishes they could co-exist.   Liz vows that the UC won't spoil her lame Todd party.  

After school, the Angels continue their planning.  The UC interrupts them and this causes a Unicorns vs. Angels standoff.  Liz insults Li's house by calling it "Fowler Crust" (ease up there, baby girl!  I know it's not a Spanish tiled split level, but I'm sure your mother put a lot of time into designing it!).  Jess laughs at her lame twin and announces that the party has moved locations yet again, and both clubs vow to have their parties.  By any means necessary.  Or something.  (I'm so bored at this point...even my notes say "who gives a fuck?")

Jess and the UC decide to unwind at the daycare center.  She gets right to work with Li, tackling the mountain of dishes.  (And I noted that Lila doing dishes completely contradicts another book where it is stated that Li has never touched a dish in her entire life!).  Kim is also present, totally just there to complain about how much she hates the center and all of the little brats.  I agree, can we go to Lisette's or Casey's instead?!   The girls ignored the kids and discuss possible party locations.  In the midst of this, the sink (much like everything else in the poorly-built building) breaks.  Well, that's just ghetto as hell.  

We then switch to later in the evening, where Liz and Jess are still fighting.  Casa Wakefield is full of tension, and Liz wishes that this wasn't the case as she needs some sisterly advice.  She finally breaks down and tells Jess about her upcoming "date" with Todd.  Jess quickly crushes her spirits (sweet!) by informing her that Todd will be attending the UC party instead.  This angers Liz and she vows not to lose the club war -or Todd- to Jessica, or anyone else!  (SVC foreshadowing at its finest!)

In the following chapter (#7, so halfway through this terrible torture!), Liz worries more about Todd (as she rightfully should) and decides to get revenge by making her party even bigger!   Of course, Jess overhears this and this means WAR!

On Wednesday, the UC still doesn't have a party location and Jess agonizes over this, as well as thinking about the state of ghettoness at the daycare center.  Predictably, inspiration strikes and Mandy suggests throwing the party at the center and making it a fund raiser!   Brilliant.  

Liz, meanwhile, is still creepily obsessed with Todd.  So much so that she's spaced on her party ideas.  Suddenly, her thoughts turn to the daycare center and, predictably, inspiration strikes twice in one lunch period!  The Angels LOVE the idea, and Mary decides to make their fundraiser a secret theme with a secret location so the UC can't ruin it.  Hmmm...

Back to Jess, she's decided that the theme should be a casino night!  I guess she missed the episode of Degrassi where they attempted this and it ended with a stabbing...I don't blame her, new Degrassi sucks!  The center director loves the idea, and promises not to inform the Angels of what's transpiring.   She does, however, feel that this book has dragged on too much and that this whole war is stupid, so she voices her wish that the clubs settle differences and combine their parties.  (Wait, how did she know that the Angels were also planning a party?!  Curious, no?).  

Meanwhile, Liz and Evie hit the party store for ideas before heading to the center.  They propose throwing a carnival-themed party in the center's play yard, and the director readily agrees.  She promises not to tell the UC anything...what a scandalous bitch!   I hope this ends in bloodshed and she's held liable...

To celebrate, Evie and Liz join the Angels at Casey's and -gasp!- Todd is there!  Liz suddenly gets really paranoid that Jess will impersonate her and try to convince Todd to divulge party details.  She decides to stay a step ahead of Jess and formulates a plan of her own, using Todd as a pawn.  (Life lesson- the best way to get a guy's attention is to manipulate him...?  I don't know anymore!)

Of course, the very thing Liz fears has occurred to Jess as well.  On Thursday, she dresses up as Liz and has a conversation with Todd.  He, having already foretold of this, tells her he's very excited about the Angels' BBQ.  Later, he informs Liz that Operation Fool Jess was a glowing success.  Yawn.  

At this point, this book has officially taken me longer to recap than it originally took to read!  You guys are lucky I love you enough to continue.  *Sigh*.   Anyways, Jess waltzes up to the Angels at lunch and tells them that she knows all about their little BBQ.  Liz pretends to be mad, but she's secretly pleased that her plan is working. 

The UC is pleased with their knowledge and they hang a banner (omg!  I LOVE banners!) that announces that maps to the party locale will be available at Casey's.   They're also pleased that Aaron Dallas will be attending.  (Side note: does Steven even exist in these books?  He must be off somewhere with Bruce...).   Not to be outdone, the Angels hang their own banner, promising maps at Guido's.  

Finally, we approach our final standoff as Friday arrives!  The UC crowd into Mr. Fowler's limo, which is being driven by a man named Charles.  Excuse me, but RICHARD is the name of the Fowler's driver, so I'm beginning to wonder if the UC is about to be taken hostage by this strange new character.  Kimberly, however, does not share my concern as she begins talking mad shit about the Angels and how crappy the Wakefields' house is.  Just when I start to think that she's being a total count minus the "o", she starts in on how lame Liz is, and I find it impossible to hate her.  The UC arrives at the center and the director warns them not to venture outside because the yard has been dug up and it's unsafe.  I guess a water main or something allegedly broke because, you know, the building sucks.  

Liz, meanwhile, arrives at the daycare center with the Angels.  They're told not to go inside because something broke inside.  

The guests, having realized that both parties are at the center, arrive.  Bruce (!!!!!!  Thank god, this book just redeemed itself!!!) is present!!!!   Fuck my hatred of the Angels, I will go to any party that Bruce wants.  Neither club has realized that the other is present, so Liz is shocked when she disobeys the order to go inside (most likely she was trying to stop her guests from experiencing the disaster zone inside...I spaced out again so I'm not 100% positive) and sees the other party.  

Chaos ensues when both clubs realize that their parties are at the same venue.  Accusations of idea-theft are hurled back and forth between the clubs.  In typical Jess fashion, she realizes that she forgot to bring the food in the midst of the confrontation (wtf?!  Nobody noticed this when they picked her up?!) and runs to the kitchen to try and pillage snacks (from the under-funded center that started this whole thing...hello, plot contrivance!).  Liz suddenly realizes that she forgot to bring soda (my guess is that Ned and Alice were like "fuck no, we're not providing food AND drinks for hundreds of teenagers who deemed our house unworthy of hosting their respective parties!", and they simply neglected to purchase anything, knowing Jess and Liz would be too absorbed by their feud to remember on their own...).  Jess and Liz collide in the kitchen and WW3 ensues!

Their fight is interrupted almost immediately, much to my disappointment.  The director says that they sound like a couple of 5 year olds and that she thought that this whole situation would teach the clubs to co-exist.  Her logic escapes me, but it somehow leads to the twins apologizing to each other and remembering that their parties have a bigger purpose- the poor, disadvantaged children of SV!   Without any more thought, they agree to combine both parties.  

The UC, however, isn't so easily convinced.  Kim is adamant that the parties stay segregated, until she learns that there isn't any food!  Liz comes to the rescue by setting up the food table (why didn't they set up food/beverages BEFORE the guests arrived?!) halfway between the parties while Mandy sets up the drinks right beside her.  Awww.  Todd is impressed by the festivities and he rewards Liz with some hand-holding AND a kiss.  *gag*.  The Angels witness this and want to know what's up with Liz and Todd.  Liz is then forced to admit that she likes him and -shocker!- nobody cares!   A ton of money is raised, and all is well in SV...

We end with a lead-in to book #12, Five Girls and a Baby, which I don't own.  I wish I did because it HAS to be better than this!  

*The SarahLynn Summary:*

You have NO idea how happy I am to have this one out of the way!  Like I said, I almost chose to abandon my beloved blog over recapping this one, but I've come too far to turn back now.  At least Bruce made an appearance, but otherwise this was a complete waste of time.  

Coming Up Next:  I'm not entirely sure, possibly some TV recaps to restore my sanity.  I watched a few episodes, took notes, and was positive that I posted them months ago, but apparently not!  I believe we left off somewhere in season 2...

The Unicorn Club #18 - Rachel's In, Lila's Out

Intro: Keeping with my Lila theme (because it makes me happy)!!!! I've never read this book before, possibly because it's from June of 1997, and I was more into SVH and Christoper Pike by this time.

Cover: We have a pool! Possibly the one at Fowler Crest, since this IS a Lila book. Jess is impossibly thin on the cover, with impossibly long legs. Lila looks younger than she did on the cover for #14, and she does not look happy. There's a black girl floating in the pool (Maria? Or is this the Rachel character?), and I am officially intrigued.

The back cover tells us that Mr. F is selling their house, which is now Fowler Mansion, and some bitch named Rachel Grant is moving in...to Lila's old room. Lila is pissed and out for revenge, but she also thinks Rachel has a secret...

Recap: This is one of the third person narrated books. I liked the early, first person ones, but maybe this will be easier to summarize...PLEASE!!!

We start with Lila waking up on a Saturday morning. She looks around her fabulous bedroom and thinks about how she loves her stuff. And life in general. I guess Mr. F has kept his promise to make more time for Li? We shall see...

Lila goes and has breakfast with her dad, and he asks about her plans for the day, because he's trying to make an effort. Li plans on floating in the pool and shopping with her friends. Mr. F, of course, can't even get their names right! But give him some credit, at least he's trying. He wants to continue a discussion about the house that he started in a previous book. (2 books prior, when the UC was on a cruise ship.)

Before I explain why he wants to discuss this, I have to list what we've learned so far about Fowler Mansion/Manor/Crest:
•Largest house in SV
•Olympic sized swimming pool
•Movie theater
•Stained glass windows
•Antiques everywhere
•Imported Turkish rugs
•Wroght iron stairs
•Louis XIV dining table
•Horse riding stable in front yard
•Internet in every room
•Entire house equipped with a speaker system

The Fowlers also own a few other properties, which I feel the need to list:
•Condo in Vail
•Apartment in NYC
•Villa in Northern Italy

This is the reason why Mr. F has decided to sell the mansion and buy a smaller, more intimate cottage on Secca Lake. It only has SIX bedrooms, omg!!!! Apparently a 75 room mansion is too big for just the two of them, and they never even use the 4 sunrooms or the conservatory. The neighbors are also selling their house, and I'm happy that I know nothing about real estate. Lila walks around, dazed. She strokes the built-in spice rack, and the 3 balconies, plus the multi level sinks.

Lila's mood is not improved when the UC comes for a sleepover. They all discuss how much they love Lila's house and freeloading. Lila just sits and listens, feeling sad.

Three days later, the mansion next door sells. Wow, that seems...fast. Lila goes out to enjoy the pool while she still can. Pause, there's a girl in the pool! She's wearing the same suit as Lila, so she must be important. She's described as full-figured, and cocoa-colored, and I have no comments. She also boasts the longest, thickest eyelashes that Lila has ever seen. So we (myself and Li) automatically hate this ho. Bitch adds insult to injury by dropping her soda can into the pool. She also drops peanuts into the pool. Ewwww. Anyways, crazy girl claims to live there and tells LILA to get her another soda. Oh hell no!!!!

Pool Girl's friend, Tina, rushes to get the soda, and Lila finds out that she is the Rachel from the title, and Fowler Mansion is ghetto compared to Rachel's old house. Rachel's house had 2 movie theaters, and a full time projectionist. Plus, her stable held 8 horses, while Li's only holds 4. And her house had a climbing wall. (And I'm super annoyed by this chick. I call bullshit!!!!!). Rachel also hates Li's "ditzy" bedroom chandeliers. And, oh yeah, she has a MOM. She mentions that her mom is in Europe with Tina's mom, who is their decorator. Lila immediately hates this bitch, and when she asks Tina if Mama Rachel is as terrible as her demon spawn, Tina dodges the question. Shady...

Lila storms into Mr. F's meeting with Rachel's father, Mr. Grant (G, for short), and throws a fit. Mr. G further escalates the situation by saying that Li is just like his Rachel. Oh snap. Both fathers agree that they have spoiled daughters. To Li's dismay, Mr. F offers to let Rachel stay with them while Mr. G goes on a business trip...with Tina's mom (hmmmm)!!!! He accepts, and Bitchface will be staying for a couple weeks.

Oddly, we get a Rachel POV here. She hates this new girl, Lisa, Lily, Laura, whatever her name is. She's also jealous of Tina because she's lucky for some undisclosed reason. Plus, Rachel doesn't want to stay at the mansion, there's only one place that she wants to stay...

Back to Lila (yay!), she's still depressed. She thinks her friends only like her for her house, so she doesn't tell them that she has to move. She feels like the house is more of a Unicorn Club member than she is, being that her friends are always over, even when she isn't home! (Wow, that's rude as hell! And it totally reminded me of Billy Madison, so that's how I will picture Lila's house from now on...) Lila overhears something about Tina going home to her mother that night, and she finds this suspicious. (Maybe Tina has two mommies like I do!!!!!)

Rachel shows up for her extended sleepover with 7 duffel bags, an overnight bag, and 2 boxes with "KEEP OUT" written on them. Again, SHADY. Out of the mansions 3 dozen (yes, 36!) bedrooms, she immediately takes over Lila's room. Bitch starts ripping posters off of the walls and piles her stuff all over. I would have kicked her ass at this point, but Lila goes for the psychological attack and asks where Rachel's mom REASlLY is. Rachel lies, and Li is evermore suspicious.

The UC randomly shows up uninvited, because Lila has a better house than any of them. (Seriously, how rude!). Lila doesn't want to tell them that she's moving, or about Rachel upstairs, so she drags everyone to Casey's.

The book switches to Rachel POV again. We learn that she's unhappy about something, and that she wonders just how much Li knows about her mother. Suddenly, Jess bursts in to use the bathroom. Rachel tells her that she lives there...cover blown.

Jess of course questions Li about this, and Lila lies. She claims Rachel is the crazy daughter of one of Mr. F's college roommates, and that she's been kicked out of her asylum (ha!) so it's a big secret. Jess accepts this and no one else in the UC finds out.

Later, we get more Rachel. She's alone, and jealous that Li has friends. Rachel moved around alot, so all she has is Tina (who I haven't seen in awhile...). Rachel decides to be nicer to Lila. Li, of course, is not having this! When Rachel invites her to watch tv in her room, Li thinks she's just rubbing it in.

The girls continue their ridiculous show of one-upsmanship and this leads to a fight. Lila feels superior because she has friends, but Bitch Rachel has a MOTHER!!! Damn, she went there. Rachel's mother calls randomly and Lila, being pissed off and jealous, eavesdrops and thinks about how Rachel doesn't deserve a mother. Harsh, but I can't be too hard on Lila.

While eavesdropping, Lila learns that Rachel's mom can't see her for some reason. But, she has Lakers tickets... The Lakers play in LA (and I hate them! When they play my team, I get "KobeDrunk" aka- blackout drunk, and it's never pretty...), so Mrs. G is local. Also, the phone line isn't fuzzy like on normal international calls...

Lila, in true Lila fashion, calls Rachel out on this shit. She knows that the Lakers play in California, NOT Rome. (Actually, I think they have played in Europe on at least one occasion since this was written, damn future NBA Europe expansion!). Rachel considers killing Lila (for real, she's psycho!) but instead she just cries.

Jess overhears her blubbering (sorry, I'm finding it difficult to be sympathetic towards Rachel. Bitch, why lie? At least you HAVE a mom...) and informs Lila about the incident. Somehow, Ellen finds out about Rachel (aka- the crazy girl, lol) and BRUCE (first mention of him in ALL of my UC reading!!!!) does as well. Before the day is done, Kimberly knows, too.

Thinking quickly, Li tells Jess that Rachel is actually -wait for it- a ghost! Ridiculous, but UC Jess is pretty stupid, so she believes it. Caroline Pearce also hears about the ghost at Lila's, so soon all of SV will know as well. It's even going in the school paper!

Apparently, Rachel does not have to attend school during her stay at Lila's, so she's laying by the pool. She meets the new neighbors, Alexander and Amelia Q. Witherspoon, and wishes that her father had purchased their house instead. Her logic is flawed, however, she thinks buying the Witherspoon House = not having to deal with Lila. Ummmm, sorry hun, but that would make you NEIGHBORS...

Lila arrives home and shows Rachel the article about the ghost in the paper. Rachel asks if the house is really haunted, and Li confirms that it's haunted as shit. Rachel gets upset because her mom is afraid of ghosts, and because of this shell never come to visit Rachel now. Conversely, she decides that Lila may have just solved her housing dilemma. She decides to make Fowler Manor even more haunted so her father won't buy it.

Lila is still hung up on solving the mystery of Rachel's mom, so she calls Tina's mom and pretends to be a client referred by Mrs. Grant. Tina's mom falls silent, and Lila gets nothing. She also calls Tina and claims to be the authorities (not a total lie, she IS the authority on designer swimwear). Tina refuses to talk about Mrs. G, so Li comes up with a theory... Mrs. G is a fugitive "from justice"! Oh no, that is the worst kind of fugitive!!!!

Lila decides that she must have done something awful, like bank robbery. Or maybe she drowns babies, or even -omg- sneaks into Johnny Buck concerts with fake tickets!!!! Seriously, I love Lila!!! She calls the police to ask, but of course they reveal nothing.

Rachel begins setting up her ghost experiment. She walks around making ghost noises. Lila does this as well, in an effort to scare Rachel, but neither girl hears the other because the house is just too large. Jess and Ellen (who are apparently just hanging out at Lila's without Li even knowing...) see Ghost Rachel and inform Lila of her haunted attic. The neighbors catch sight of Ghost Lila and inform Rachel of her existence. So, basically, both girls are doing the exact same thing and both believe the house is haunted.

Rachel and Lila each run from their respective ghosts and end up crashing into each other. Scared, they decide to stay together and end up sharing one of the many couches. They get to talking about the UC and Li's friends. Rachel admits that she's jealous because she's always moving and she gets shipped away to boarding school. (Which I always thought would be awesome! Zoey 101 basically confirmed this for me, so SarahLynn Junior will be getting shipped away to boarding school someday...)

The following day, the Witherspoons ask Lila about the haunting. They suggest calling an exterminator (the fuck?! Are they serious with that?!) and give Li a letter that arrived in their mail by mistake. It's a letter for Rachel and it contains lots of paper. Rachel reads it and gets upset, so Li commits a felony and goes through the papers. It turns out that Mrs. G is a physicist at UCLA (my ever-assuming ass thought that it would end up that she was in rehab for the crack, I must admit...bad SarahLynn!) and the reason she's not around is that she's divorcing Mr. G. She blames herself for all of the problems this is causing Rachel. (As she should, that selfish bitch!!!! What kind of woman abandons her obviously disturbed teenage daughter?!)

Li talks to Rachel and learns that Rachel also blames herself. Lila quickly switches the subject to how sad she is, and how her friends love her house more than her. Rachel basically laughs at her and says she's crazy. And, we have a breakthrough!!!! Both girls realize that they, like, totally understand each other! That wrapped up well.

Later, the UC comes over and Li makes Rachel hide, but the UC has specifically come to ghost hunt! They're successful and they catch her. Rachel breaks down and cries. She tells them the truth and they're upset that Li didn't tell them she was moving. They assure Lila that they actually like HER, and not just because her house is awesome. Lila isn't mad at Rachel for spilling things and they decide to try this friendship thing.

Li and Rachel join forces and play Ghost one last time. Their plan: scare the Witherspoons into moving. Thus, the mansion next door to Lila's will be on the market. It works nicely, and both fathers agree to be neighbors. Mr. F had a change of heart and realized that he truly loved his mansion!!!! But it doesn't end there...Rachel gets invited to join the Unicorns!!!!! And she accepts!!!! Just so there's no weirdness, she tells all of them about her mother up front.

The book can't end without a setup for #19, so we get the girls looking at super thin model Katherine Pierce in a magazine. There's something "haunted" about her...and you don't get to find out what it is because I do not own "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World", apologies.

****Reaction****
Rachel is a Bitchface. Plus, this was super difficult for me to recap because my sister is named Rachael, and autocorrect kept changing the spelling to my sisters version. I did enjoy the descriptions of Fowler Mansion/Manor/Crest, and all of the Lila actions. But, the ghost subplot was super lame and boring. Also, I read this a few months ago (before I broke my dominant arm and had to learn how to do everything right handed) and looking at my left handed handwriting makes me sad :(. It was just so pretty, I hate being a righty!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 9) - "Blunder Alley"

Intro:
I hope everybody enjoyed Chapter One of Freshman Year!!! I have more typed up and ready to go, but my time is limited tonight due to Game One of the NBA Finals, watching a Twins game, AND a friend of mine being on America's Got Talent, so I'm just going to do a quick TV recap...

Today's episode is called "Blunder Alley", and that title totally reminds me of this show I used to watch on TV as a kid. I think the show was called "Thunder Alley", but that's close enough. Haley Joel Osment (from the 6th Sense, duh) was on that show, if I recall correctly. I really doubt that has anything to do with this SVH episode, but it makes a good random trivia question, and -admit it- you just learned something new!!! You can thank me later.

Recap:
Today's story begins at the Moon Beach (yay, Moon Beach!!!!). As you will remember, the scary new Bruce's daddy has recently purchased the MB so Bruce can get some work experience...or something. It appears Brucey has bought one of those fortune telling machines that has the creepy puppet lady inside. Those things freak me out SO bad!!!! And they remind me of the Riddler in Batman Forever...SCARY STUFF!!!!

In typical Sweet Valley fashion, everybody acts like this is the greatest thing ever!!!! Everybody flocks to the machine and starts pumping money into it in exchange for their paper fortunes. Damn, these kids REALLY need to get out more. Jess and Lila agree with me, of course, and they laugh at how stupid everybody else is. Winston pays for his fortune and gets a blank paper, but we already knew that was coming!!! Enid (ugh) also gets a fortune- she will soon get many gifts. Her stupid ass is all excited because her aunt is coming (LOL @ my notes, "Aunt coming- Flo or Rose?" Sorry for that, I can be immature sometimes!!!!) and said aunt always brings lots of gifts for her favorite niece. Blah, I'm going to go bash my head against the wall for awhile, call me when she's gone!!!!

Bruce (if you could even call him that...I really would have felt better had they just 86'ed Bruce's character and went with a new character instead of a replacement...Oh, Brock Burnett, how you have failed me!!!!) overhears Li and Jess's convo, and he gives them a free fortune, just for fun. Li's fortune warns of her impending doom, and Jess's says everything she loves will be destroyed. (Wait, Jess loves Liz, right?!?! This could be good!!!!) Jess and Li laugh off their predictions and go on about their day like any normal person would.

Meanwhile, guess who's back to his brooding in the billiards room?! No, not Mr. Body from 'CLUE'....TODD WILKINS!!!! Todd is currently hating on some new guy who's dating Liz, I guess. His name is Zack and he's wearing a t-shirt that he got on a trip to Kenya. Bruce strikes up a conversation with this dude because he's apparently also been to Kenya (yet another reason why I detest this new Bruce, he's just too...worldly for me!!!!). Bruce and Zack hit it off in a totally non-gay, Bromantic-type of way, and Todd sulks about it. Zack reveals that he is actually the subject of one of Liz's articles for the Oracle, but Todd still assumes the worst. Liz interviews Zack, and Todd's suspicions are confirmed when the interview concludes with Zack asking Liz out on a date.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila seems to be having some very bad luck. On the way to the Moon Beach (wait, didn't they just leave the MB? Why are they going back?) they get splashed by a passing semi. (Being splashed is still better than being SQUASHED, you whiny little brats!!!!!) I guess that ties in with the fortunes they got earlier. (Jess loves her clothes, and they were destroyed by the splash, and being out in public looking dirty is probably Li's idea of social doom-ination!!!!) Jess and Li decide that, in order to reverse this sudden onset of bad luck, they need to get new, better fortunes. They feed the scary machine some $$$, and it spits out a couple fortunes. Li's says she will be burned, and Jess's says she will be spurned by a man with a red horse. Uh oh... Sure enough, Jess's date for the evening cancels (he drives a red Mustang, coincidentally!!!!) and Lila's hair gets fried in a freak styling accident (OMG, that's my worst fear, really!!!!). Jess and Li, being the super geniuses that they are, keep buying fortunes, hoping for a positive one. They also stock up on a bunch of lucky charms (rabbit feet and such, not the cereal) to ward off the bad luck. (Editorial comment: Ha, these two have NO IDEA what bad luck really is!!!!! Seriously!!!!) They return to the MB yet again, only to discover that bruce is cashing in and making hella bank off of their fortune teller addiction. Fortunes now cost FIVE dollars, and everybody is STILL buying them!!!! Except for my girl Cheryl, she's smart and knows it's all BS!!!!

Back to LameLand, Liz goes on her date with Zack. He's some sort of rainforest freak and he keeps babbling about conservation and nearly boring me to death. They end up at a bowling alley (ahhhh, that explains the title of the episode...I wonder what this "blunder" is going to be...) and -conveniently- Todd shows up with a date!!!! This new girl is a total Liz clone, and I am currently praying very hard that this girl is MARGO in a surprise cameo, that would be quite the blunder!!!! Sadly, they don't tell us her name (so I am going to go ahead and assume that this is Margo!!!!), and Liz is pissed that Todd showed up with this ho. She accuses him of trying to wreck her date with Zack, and this leads to an impromptu bowling showdown/MONTAGE! Liz and Todd both try to sabotage each other, and I wish they would both just get over themselves already. Dude, you're going to marry Jess, so just end this bullshit right now and spare me some misery!!!! (SPARE me, get it?!? Bowling.)

Luckily, I am spared (for the moment) as we travel back to the Moon Beach. People are still going all crazy over the $5 fortunes. It seems that everybody (with a few exceptions) is getting very good fortunes that immediately come true. Winston's are still blank, of course. Jess comes in on crutches because she tripped on a HORSESHOE during the commercial break. Oh, the irony!!! (Ooops, I did it again, "IRON"-y, horseshoe...) Lila gets so pissed off about all of this bad luck that she actually STRANGLES Enid (yes!!!! Love love LOVE Lila!!!!) for her good fortune. And my notes say "Manny=Puppy" for some reason...maybe because he follows Eeny around like one, or perhaps he recently acquired one as a pet? I may never know...or care, for that matter!!! Bruce makes fun of Jess and Li's craziness, and this leads us to...THE OBLIGATORY REVENGE SCENARIO FOR THIS EPISODE!!!! Jess begins to formulate a plan, which will be revealed to us at a later time...

Back at the bowling alley, Liz and Todd's tensions are boiling over. They fight some more, and then realize that their dates have left. TOGETHER!!!! Ha, way to go, Zack!!!! No wonder we will never see Zack again, going off alone with someone who is most likely MARGO!!!!! Either way, this leads Liz and Todd to realize how stupid they are being. Todd accidentally admits that he is still in love with Liz and they start to reminisce about their relationship. I think they're going to get back together pretty soon. Damn, I like Bad Todd!!!! (RIP, T-Wilk!!!!)

Of course, we still have to wrap up the other plot (A-Plot? B-Plot? I have no idea which is which, hence the combined-plot, switch back-and-forth recap) so we again travel to the Moon Beach. It's closed for the evening, but that will not stop Jess and Li from getting their revenge (on what/who? Bruce, for laughing at them? Or the fortune teller, for giving them sucky fortunes?). Jess still has a copy of the MB keys from that episode where she worked with Bruce, so they easily sneak inside and attack the fortune machine. Well, "attack" is too strong a word (I just want it to be more interesting, dammit!!!), they merely open it up and put fortunes that they made inside it.

The following day, people again flock to the fortune teller. Jess and Li's fortunes are actually coupons for free food at the MB!!!! (Oh, so they were getting revenge on Bruce for taking everybody's money! IDK anymore...and I don't think I care either.) The police bust in and demand to see a permit for the machine (?). Of course, Bruce didn't get one, and he complains to the police about someone putting the coupons in the fortune teller. The cops basically laugh at him and demand that he honor all of the coupons. Lila, sneaky as she is, donated a cappuccino machine to the precinct in order to set all of this up. Bruce knows what's up, but Jess and Lila deny all involvement (note to self: Moon Beach does not have security cameras at night?). Bruce shrugs it off and brings out his newest gimmick- fortune cookies!!!! Ummm, okay.


****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Who writes this crap?!?! A fucking FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE...for reals?!?! Last time I checked, high school kids liked to break into those things and steal the moneys... Only in Sweet Valley, I guess.

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Like Water For Hot Dogs"
SVH puts on a play, Liz and Todd eat some HDs, and SarahLynn makes numerous references to Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. (Don't judge me, I just REALLY like the IFOCE!!!!)

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 8) - "It's My Party and I'll Ditch It If I Want To"

Intro:
Happy Memorial Day weekend everybody!!! Sadly, this is one of the busiest retail weekends of the year, so I am being forced to spend much of it at work. Have fun for me, please!!! In honor of the parties I'm missing, I feel that today's recap is appropriate. It's time for the Wakefield's annual slumber party!!!

Recap:
Like I said before, it's slumber party time!!!! Yay!!!! Liz is already hard at work planning the festivities...so far, all she has planned is a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Since this is Sweet Valley, you just know that's going to be super-lame regardless. Jess agrees with me that Liz is a sucky party planner, so she takes over as the "idea person" and basically makes Liz and Enid (oh, she's coming?!? Now I don't feel bad that those bitches forgot to invite me...) do all of the manual labor. Jess's main task is making sure that the party is perfectly set-up so that the football team can raid it. Sadly, they have to decline her offer because they have a road game...so Winston and Manny decide to seize the opportunity. They assemble a team of dorky nerds and devise a strategy. (Of course, it's super-nerdy lame and it's basically just them running into the house and assaulting the girls with water balloons.)

At school, Lila complains about how immature a sleepover is (hey now, I had a sleepover last week, Lila, and that attitude is exactly why I did not invite YOU!!!!) and Jess basically agrees, but it's a TRADITION (that I do not recall them ever having before or after this episode). Cheryl is super excited about the idea, and that's enough to make Lila change her mind. I guess she's still trying to gain Cheryl's friendship? The ugly new Bruce saunters up and asks Jess out on a date. (Yay!!!) The only problem- he wants her to be his dinner date (along with his cousin and said cousin's friends from Harvard!!!) the same night as the slumber party!!! Jess doesn't want to admit her lameness to Bruce, so she tries to lie and say she has cooler plans. Enid spoils this by running up and gushing about a box of -wait for it- DRESS UP CLOTHES that she's bringing to the party!!! Yes, DRESS UP!!!! (I will now admit that I STILL have my Barbie collection, but I gave up dress up when I was about 12... Despite my reading never really progressing beyond these SV books, I think Enid is just too over-the-top!!!!) Bruce is as unimpressed as I am, and I think Jess wants to slap Enid for being so stupid.

After school, Liz goes to the Moon Beach and bitches about how Jess is so not helping. Jess is sick of Liz acting like a slumber party Nazi, so she finally cracks and tells Liz that the party is a stupid, childish idea. Liz tells her to get over herself and grow up. (Wait, whose BFF is running around with the box of dress up clothes, Elizabeth?!?!) With Jess out of the picture, Liz and Enid go back to planning the lamest party ever. In addition to the classic Truth or Dare, Liz and Enid decide on charades, scary movies, a pillow fight (sweet!!!), roasting marshmallows, and board games!!!! (Hmmm...dinner with sexy rich Bruce vs. CandyLand with lame stupid whiny Eeny Rollins...I pick BRUCE!!!!!)

The night of the party arrives and Jess gets all sexied up in her little black dress. Liz is super sad that Jess is bailing on them, but she doesn't let that spoil her fun. MONTAGE! The nerds begin their plan of attack and the sleepover friends play a crazy game of Twister. Lila and Cheryl put foil all over Enid's head (I think she's getting highlights, but that is SO not the way to do them!!!! I went to cosmetology school, so this makes me shudder) and the nerds continue to fail with their raid. The girls play some charades and Enid is an absolute idiot. She keeps yelling out random, annoying shit and I begin to wonder why she doesn't go to a "special" school... This is super boring!!!! I wonder what Jess is doing...

Jess, meanwhile, is out with Bruce and his Harvard friends. Bruce's friends are all super smart, and they make fun of Jess for being...well, for being JESS, I guess. The worst part is that none of them can drink with their meal because Jess is under 21 and doesn't have a fake ID. Maybe they should have gone to Kelly's Roadhouse... Jess tries hard to fit in, but she just ends up making herself look stupid. Bruce doesn't help matters by announcing that Jess bailed on a slumber party to go to dinner. Kind of a dick move there, you damn Bruce impostor!!!! Everybody laughs at Jess and she wants to disappear.

Back in LameLand, the nerds continue to suck at raiding the party. They set off a smoke bomb, but it fails. Inside, their schemes go unnoticed and all the girls settle down to play some Truth or Dare. It's lame, just like I said, but Liz DOES admit that she would choose Mr. Collins if she had to be stranded on a deserted island with a teacher. (Seriously... 1) Ewww, and 2) Could they be any more unoriginal?!?!) Lila spices it up by asking Enid (of all people) how far she went with some guy... (Obviously, Li is referring to SEX!!!!) Enid is an idiot, so she responds with "To the mall..." Dumbass, but it's likely true!!!! Outside, Winston has become desperate to get inside the house. He raises a ladder and tries to enter through a second floor window, but the ladder falls and Win is forced to grab onto the balcony (????When did they build that????) and climb up. He tries to open the door, but it's locked from the inside and now Win is stuck!!!! Downstairs, nobody hears him screaming for help. Lila is bitching about how lame this is (and I am beginning to agree with her...I went to cooler parties in like 6th grade!!!!) and Cheryl is sick of it (because, you know, she never got to be a teenager what with all the modeling and traveling) so she dares Lila to run down the street to the mailbox- wearing only a towel!!!! Li is up for the challenge!!!!

Back to the cool kids, Bruce is also getting bored by his stuffy, boring Harvard friends. He whispers to Jess that he would like to leave and she readily agrees. They go back to Jess's and arrive right as the nerds are rushing in the front door to raid. Lila runs in as well and heads right upstairs. She sees Win on the balcony (in war paint for the raid) and screams in horror because he looks like a creeper. Somebody has taken Enid's Barry Manilow (who?) CDs... But nobody cares because Jess is raving about how fun and sophisticated her evening was. Bruce promptly busts her out, saying that he knows she had a terrible time. Jess is forced to admit the truth and apologize to Liz. Everybody starts dancing after that, and Enid and Manny dance together...


****The SarahLynn Summary****
*I thought MY weekends were boring!!!! Thank god I didn't grow up in Sweet Valley!!!!
*And Enid is totally that girl at the sleepover that falls asleep like 3 hours before everybody else and ends up with her bra frozen, or her hand in warm water, or the shaving cream/feather trick...

Next Time on SVH TV:
Bruce buys a fortune teller, Jess and Lila learn about Karma, and Todd is back to being an ass!!!! The best part- almost everything happens at the Moon Beach!!!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 3) - "Promotional Rescue"

Intro:
I think I pretty much covered this at the end of my last post...

Recap:
Surprise, surprise, Jess has crashed the Jeep yet again!!! As usual, she needs to come up with $200 to cover the repairs. Yet, she's at the Moon Beach, spending her parents' hard-earned money despite the fact that she eats like 6 meals a day at home, plus snacks. Win suggests that she quit with the gluttony and the bitching about her finances. Actually, he suggests she get a JOB (LOL!!!!), but I liked my version better.

Speaking of people spending money, Bruce's dad has recently bought him the Moon Beach. (Yay, Moon Beach!!! I like it even better now!!!) And thus, Bruce is now Win's BOSS!!!! Which means, Winston = Bruce's slave!!!! (No not THAT kind of slave...dirty, filthy-minded reader!!!!)

Sadly, we must now check in with the Other Side. Liz and Enid are in the billiards room. Enid is absolutely without a doubt the stupidest person on Earth. She thinks that the pool cue chalk is eyeshadow. Dumbass. Liz isn't listening to her incessant babblings, however, she's still moping over -you guessed it!!!- Todd. Cheryl is sick of this shit, so she devises a secret plan to help Liz get over it for good...

Back to Bruce!!!! Bruce is obsessed with turning the MB into a profit machine!!! Jess, also needing some profit, suggests a partnership. Jess wants to throw a bunch of themed parties at the MB, and Bruce agrees to pay her $50 per party. Jess's first action as partner is to suggest firing Winston, and Bruce agrees.

Damnit!!!! That was just getting interesting!!!! Now we're back to the Losers. They're riding in a convertible, and Enid is in the back, screaming like she's never ridden in a car before. I don't think I have ever been THAT excited in my life... You can totally tell Cheryl wants to punch her face in. Enid quits screaming long enough to pull out some car games. She has checkers!!!! And some other lame shit, but Cheryl isn't having it!!!! She tosses Enid's crap out the window, and I now want Cheryl to marry me!!!!

Back at the Moon Beach, Jess has hired Win's replacement. His name is Chad, and he's hot. Of course, he's also an idiot. He gives $25 change for a $10!!!! Jess is throwing a huge party at the MB TONIGHT!!!! This should be good...

NOOOO!!!! We're back to Liz/Cheryl/Eeny!!!! NOOOOO!!!! Enid even makes LIZ seem tolerable, damnit!!!! Cheryl's Big Secret Surprise Plan is camping at Devil's Canyon!!!! Wow, I was hoping for a spa weekend, or even a few days at a nice hotel... WTF, Cheryl/Tatyanna/Whoever the hell you want to be today?

Oh thank god, we're now back at the MB!!! I'm sorry to report that Jess's promo party is failing miserably. Jess was supposed to mail out the invites (damn, how long has Liz been gone?) but instead she put them in the recycling bin, thinking it was a mailbox. Easy enough mistake, I guess!!! Jess promises that next time it will be a million times better, and Bruce tells her that it HAS to be or else his dad is shutting down the MB!!!! Oh shit!!!! Bruce blames Jess for fucking everything up, and I think he's responsible for at least a LITTLE of the blame. He should have known what he was getting into when he hired Jess. Luckily, Jess seems to have like 6 other events planned that same day, and we get a MONTAGE! of this. There's a heavy metal pancake breakfast, and a creepy mime party. Of course, all are epic fails. Looks like the Moon Beach is fucked!!!!

Meanwhile, in the woods, Cheryl has "accidentally" pushed Enid off of a cliff...oh wait, wishful thinking!!!! Instead, Cheryl has built a fire and Liz is clutching a box containing all of Todd's stuff. Cheryl wants her to burn it (like in CLUELESS!!!!!), and Enid is STILL being annoying as hell. You can totally tell that Cheryl wants something really bad to happen to her, and even Liz is slightly annoyed. Liz is scared to burn all of the stuff because she isn't ready to forget Todd yet. (Probably because we still have like 2 1/2 seasons to go!!!!)

Flashing back to the MB yet again, Bruce is still failing. The place is empty as hell, and Jess is wondering why nobody showed up to the fondue party. Suddenly, a large crowd rushes in and demands burgers. They don't want fondue, so Jess and Bruce are SOL, and Jess suggests keeping the MB the way it was. Bruce agrees that it was perfect the way it used to be (like, yesterday!!!! or maybe the day before...) and he begs Jess to help him cook for the customers. Jess has had enough (and also made enough from her failed parties) and she quits, taking hottie Chad with her. Amazingly, we get ANOTHER MONTAGE! Two-for-one!!!! Hells yeah!!! Bruce is working his ass off, and he really sucks at it. The crowd starts to chant and Bruce screams in frustration.

At the camping spot, Enid is STILL babbling. SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! You contribute NOTHING!!!! And I am losing what remains of my sanity listening to you!!!! I wish YOU had been riding with Liz on Jungle Prom Night!!!! Everybody decides to go to sleep, and Liz falls asleep holding a picture of Todd.

I really should have done this episode "A-plot"/"B-plot" style. I hate switching back and forth, and these plots are seemingly parallel!!!! Back at the MB (again, *sigh*) Bruce is cleaning up his mess. Win comes in to collect his final check, and Bruce begs him to come back. And then something amazing happens- the YouTube glitches and skips forward to the very end. Hopefully I didn't miss anything important!!! It doesn't appear so, because the episode ends with everything being resolved somehow. Jess even manages to fix the Jeep, but she lets Chad drive it afterwards and he crashes it AGAIN!!!! I wonder how much Mr. W. pays for car insurance every month?

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce now owns the Moon Beach, and Winston.
*Liz is not over Todd.
*Jess has seriously bad luck with that damn Jeep!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Dark Side of the Moon Beach"...oh, how I LOVE that Moon Beach!!!! Todd shows just how much he's changed. Can anyone save him before it's too late? And Lila learns how to live like the rest of us.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 1) - "Summer Lovin"

Intro:
Well, we survived season one!!!! Apparently, despite season one's timeline ending somewhere around October, we have now arrived at September yet again. Summer is winding down, and the new school year promises to be full of change and new beginnings. There's even a new theme song!!!! (No, not the song itself, just new shots of the characters...and a NEW BRUCE.) I'm not so sure how I feel about this Bruce replacement, but I guess I have to deal with it because the episode is starting...

Recap:
The episode begins with a bunch of people frolicking on the beach. It's the '90's, so there's an abundance of NEON!!!! And those terribly high-waisted, high-cut bikinis are scaring me!!!! Liz is leading some sort of beach cleanup while wearing a bikini that looks like something my grandmother (rest her soul) would wear. I watched this episode last week, and I'm going off notes here. My actual notes say: "Gramma bikini, UGLY, with a skirt for the bottoms", but yet I failed to describe the pattern, so I apologize. She's also changed her hair, and I kind of like what she did with her bangs. Jess is also there, and she's trying to force Liz into having some fun. I did think Jess's bikini was important enough to describe, apparently. It's a red and white gingham print with shorts for the bottom. I remember when those style bottoms were popular, I had like 12 different halter top/shirts bathing suits!!!! Those were awesome, but I prefer monokinis these days. Anyways, Jess is trying to convince Liz to be on her team for the Beach Olympics. Liz isn't as excited as Jess, because Bruce always wins and she and Jess always get 10th place.

I really am having trouble accepting this New Bruce. He's not half as hot as last season's B-Patz!!!! *Sigh*

Liz takes a break from her beach cleaning and reads an issue of Seventeen with Enid. (NOOOO!!!) I really can't picture Liz reading that trash -let alone taking a LOVE QUIZ- so I'm going to guess that Seventeen is the newest sponsor of this fine show. Welcome aboard, Seventeen!!! Winston comes running up to them, practically about to explode with happiness, and announces that Todd is back!!!! Liz didn't even know he was coming (he forgot to call...uh-oh) and she's shocked when he shows up to the beach party.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila are drooling over the "hot" new lifeguard, Josh. Joshy-Boy just so happens to be the judge of the Beach Olympics, so Jess and Li are working their magic. "Bruce" pops up and tells Jess that she'll be losing the Beach Olympics (which I REALLY wish I could abbreviate, but "B.O."...no). Bruce is kind of flirting with Jess, and she's kind of flirting back. I wonder what this season has in store...

The Beach Olympics begin, and we get the first MONTAGE! of season two!!!! Jess helps her team win by cheating, and she seems oddly obsessed with what Bruce is doing. I wish they would just hurry up and makeout. In the midst of the Beach Olympics, Todd and Liz find time to talk. (Todd also has a new hairstyle, and he's still ugly.) Todd is moving back to Sweet Valley!!!! But he won't tell Liz why, and she thinks he's acting shady.

Bruce and Jess continue to bicker re. the Beach Olympics. (Yes, I said "bicker"!!!!) There's an obstacle course event coming up, and Bruce is sure he's going to win. Lila comes in and yells at Jess because she got sunburned using Jess's sunblock, which was only SPF 2. None of that was really necessary to the story, but the next few minutes are really lame, so I was just trying to spice up this recap with a little gratuitous Bruce and Lila action.

Now on to the lameness...Liz is back to hanging out with Enid. Stupid Eeny is bubbling in her annoying little voice about how nice it must be to have a boyfriend, and how she wants one (what happened to the Teen HelpLine guy?) and I really wish I could punch her for being such a squeaky little pest. Liz whines about how weird Todd has been acting lately, and how he's changed. In the midst of all this, Winston and Manny are sitting together. Manny appears to have some weird vision problems in this episode because everything gets all fuzzy and changes into random stuff...this time, the world becomes Gilligan's Island. I have no idea what they were trying to do here...doesn't make sense at all.

Moving on, Jess cheats her way to Beach Olympics victory, but her happiness is short-lived. Josh the lifeguard knows that both she and Bruce cheated, so he declares them both losers. Karma is a bitch, I guess. Liz is still moping about Todd, so she goes and tries to talk to him. She finds out that he only came back to Sweet Valley because he got kicked out of Fairmont Academy. What? Why? When? DETAILS!!!!! Sadly, that's all we get, except for the fact that Todd is now a high school dropout. Oh shit!!!!

Back at the beach party, Josh the lifeguard is giving Lila a foot rub. Ummm...okay, if you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Jess and Bruce are sitting by the bonfire and STILL fighting. Jess suddenly kisses him and they're both taken aback by it. Jess quickly says that it will never happen again, because she hates him. Ok then, thanks for saving me from that foot rub nastiness!!!

Liz and Todd are STILL talking. Todd is upset that he blew his chance. And, since he's no longer Todd the basketball superstar, he has no idea who he is or what he's doing with his life. (Dude, you're like 17...talk to me when you're 25.) Liz tries to understand what he's going through, but he isn't up for dealing with her meddling efforts, so he dumps her ass!!!! Sweet!!!! I bet she wishes she'd hooked up with Nicholas while he was gone. Liz joins Jess beside the fire and the two share a sisterly moment. Together, they can conquer the world AND the new school year!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce and Jess have some repressed sexual tensions between them...
*Todd came back. He's a loser now.
*Enid still pisses me off, and I think this episode was trying to tell me that Manny may be interested in her. I have no clue why he would be.
*I hate the new Bruce. Where did the old one go?
*Why did Todd get kicked out of school? My guess is that it was because he actually sucked at basketball, and nobody noticed because everybody in Sweet Valley sucked as well, but when he got to Vermont it became obvious...

SVH #3 - Playing With Fire

Intro:
Finally, a book worth reading!!! Jess hooks up with Bruce, so there's lots of hot Bruce action in this one. I'm sure that this will be the best book ever...

Cover:
I swear my aunt had that exact same short-sleeved fuzzy pink sweater that Jess is wearing. And she had the exact same hair style too, PLUS she's a twin!!! Bruce kind of looks like Edward Cullen here, and I think he may be trying to strangle Jess. I like his sweater-over-the-shoulders type of style, very '80's prep. It really works for him, even if that feminine nose and mouth thing he has going on doesn't. I always pictured Bruce sexier than that...like more Zac Efron-esque.

Recap:
We begin with a Dance Contest!!!! Jess, sadly, is forced to dance with Win as a result of her being crowned queen in book #2. Jess would much rather be dancing with Bruce, and everybody knows it. The Droids are on stage (3 books, 3 performances!!!) and some creepy old guy is standing in the corner and watching. (And by "old", I mean he's in his early 20's.) He's rocking some leather pants and an unbuttoned white shirt. Classy. Jess wonders who he is, but tubby Robin Wilson (aka- SVH's obligatory fatass) waddles up and distracts her from her thoughts. Winston sucks at dancing and Jess is in danger of LOSING, so Jess takes advantage of Robin's presence by making her dance with Win after Bruce asks if he can cut in. Jess and Bruce dance wonderfully, and everybody else just gives up because they're just that awesome. They're a million times better than everybody else on the planet, so they win easily. They celebrate their victory with a slow dance and Jess tries to lead. Bruce refuses to let her and she realizes that Bruce usually goes for the more submissive girls (ie. Amy Sutton...) so she gives in and lets him take control. They continue to dance even after the Droids quit playing.
Liz talks to Emily Mayer after the Droids' set (Emily is the drummer with the cop uncle) and finds out more about the creeper guy in the corner. His name is Tony Conover and he's a big-time manager. The Droids are going BIG TIME!!!! (Uh-huh, with a name like "CONover", that guy is sure to be a winner...NOT!!!!) Liz invites Emily to the afterparty at Ken's house, and Jess finally quits dancing long enoough to inform Winston that she is going to said afterparty with Bruce. Win is depressed and Jess solves 2 problems at once by pushing poor Robin on him again. She tells the poor fat girl that Win is totally into her, and Robin takes the bait. Liz watches the whole scene unfold with a disapproving look on her face. She hopes that Jess knows what Bruce is like and that he won't hurt her too badly.

Ken's party sounds awesome!!!! He lives on a lake and Lila is his date, so you know dude's got a little swag!!! Everybody decides to go swimming and Jess puts on her sluttiest red bikini. She and Bruce swim away from the group and makeout while treading water. Bruce unties her top (HOT!!!! I totally remember being all "OMG!!!!" when I read this at age 8!!!!) and Jess is slightly embarassed. She quickly reties it and suggests to Bruce that they go somewhere more private. He leads her into the woods and Liz watches them with disapproval. She follows them (No comment!!!!) and finds them rolling in some leaves. She tries to pull Jess away, but Jess is into it so she just waves Liz away. Jess does try to slow Bruce down a little bit by saying that Todd is cheating on Liz and that's why Liz is being so annoying. Bruce doesn't give a shit, so Jess just gives in and stays out all night doing god-knows-what...

Of course, Liz covers for Jess at home, but she still lectures Jess when she sneaks in around dawn. Liz tries to warn Jess that Bruce is very controlling and manipulative, but Jess really doesn't care. Even her parents are impressed that she's dating Bruce, so Liz is basically SOL on that argument. Liz gets out her frustration by writing a series of articles for the Oracle. She's covering the Droids and their rise to superstardom. Jess, on the other hand, spends the day skipping class and making out with Bruce. He even gives her a fake doctor's note so she won't get in trouble. Awesome!!! I wish I had a few of those...

That afternoon, Liz sits at home and works on her articles some more. Robin Wilson shows up and is disappointed that Jess forgot about their shopping date. Liz shakes her head and pities the poor girl, knowing full well that Jess hates Robin and will never keep a promise...which may or not be important in book #4.

Jess plays tennis with Bruce. She's a far superior player, and he hates losing to a girl. She throws the game on purpose so he's doesn't get mad and break up with her. I guess this is trying to show us that Jess will do anything to keep Bruce happy...or something. Jess completely blows off studying for some big test to play a few more matches with Bruce. But don't worry- she has a "study plan"...Emily Mayer sits next to her and her handwriting is big, so Jess is easily able to cheat her way through class.

Meanwhile, Liz works on her stupid Droids articles and attends a band practice. The Droids are fighting about everything from what songs to play to what to wear on stage, and they've been practicing nonstop since meeting Tony. Emily has been so busy with the band that she has totally forgotten to study!!!! So, in other words, Jess is SCREWED!!!! Jess (and Emily) both fail and have to take a re-test. Jess cries to Bruce and he promises to help her cheat...

Back in LizLand, Winston is moping around the Oracle office. Liz knows he's upset about Jess dating Bruce, so she suggests that he come to the Droids concert (it's at some big club!!!) with her and Todd. Liz also invited Robin Wilson out of pity, and Win is not too happy about that. People who eat all the time make him nervous. (Asshole!!!! Not all fat people eat 24/7...Just look at Jess's eating habits!!!! Or, for that matter, MINE!!!! I wear a size 0 or 1 and I eat like 12 times a day. In fact, I'm eating right now!!!)

The following evening, Jess return home from a Saturday shopping spree with LOTS of new clothes. Sadly, everything is very professional-looking and super preppy. Bruce picked it all out, and it's really more Liz's style. Jess is excited because Bruce is happy, so she immediately switches up her dresscode and even gives Liz some slutty stuff to wear to the Droids' concert that evening.

Liz and co. arrive at the club and are shocked to see that their "big club gig" is in a very dilapidated shack-like place that totally sucks!!! There's not even a VIP section or bottle service, and only like 10 people showed up. Everybody has a horrible time, and Win bitches about being setup with Robin, so Liz calls it a night after the first set. On the way back to SV, Liz drives by Bruce's (empty) car near the beach. Robin starts to gush about how cute Jess and Bruce are, and Win pouts some more. Todd doesn't help matters much by informing Liz that Bruce is bragging about how he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants it from Jess. Liz wants to put a stop to their relationship, but she decides that there's no stopping Jess when she's determined to do something.

Liz goes back to immersing herself in her articles. She sits in some guy named Guy's basement (which is full of cigarette smoke, oh no!!!!) and listens to the Droids brag about their other, more successful gigs that she didn't bother to show up to. Two weeks pass and Jess continues to ignore her warnings about Bruce. Jess begins to skip classes AND cheer practice, and she ends up quitting the squad because Bruce hates cheerleaders. Cara Walker tries to talk some sense into Jess, telling her that Bruce did the exact same shit to her, but Jess refuses to listen, even when Bruce cancels dates and forgets to call for days on end.

The days turn to weeks, and Jess patiently waits for Bruce to pay attention to her. She even convinces Robin to "help" her cook a special meal for Bruce because he's such a great BF. Robin's new fixation is joining PBA, so she agrees to do this as long as Jess nominates her for membership. (Yeah, right, like that will happen...) Jess even manages to tricking Robin into "helping" her babysit Mr. Collins' son, Teddy (AKA- SAM!!! He's 6 in this book, which still makes him younger than the 19 years he claimed in SVC...maybe Mr. C. has TWO sons...) in case Bruce calls and wants to go out. He finally does call, and Jess leaves poor pathetic Robin alone in her house with Teddy. Bruce promised Jess a nice evening out, but instead he takes her to the beach. She begins to wonder why he never brings her anywhere else... Bruce further angers Jess by telling her that he has to cancel yet another date because his grandmother is in town and he needs to keep her company. But, he tells her that her teacher keeps a copy of the answers to the re-test and basically gives her a step-by-step plan for stealing it, so Jess forgives him for the broken date...

Jess convinces Robin to steal the test as part of her PBA "initiation", and Robin does as told. She slips the test into Emily Mayer's locker and basically blackmails Emily into doing the cheating for her. Meanwhile, Liz is working on her gossip column and she discovers that Bruce is lying to Jess. When he claimed to be busy with his grandmother, he was actually out racing rally cars. And, worst of all, he was with some other girl!!!!! OH SNAP!!!!

Liz tries to tell Jess about this, but Jess is still not hearing it. Liz gives up and goes back to working on her Droids article. The band keeps fighting and Dana Larson admits that Tony has been calling HER -and ONLY her- with all the important details. This is causing a lot of tension, and I wish they would hurry up and fix their lame little band so I can go back to reading about Bruce. He's probably shirtless on the beach right now!!!! Damn you, book!!!! The tension finally causes Emily to snap, and she admits to Liz that she cheated on the re-test. She's kind enough not to implicate Jess, but Liz still suggests that Emily talk to the teacher about this shit. Jess is pissed when she gets her test back and receives an F. She tries to blame Emily for cheating wrong, but Emily isn't about to deal with that shit. She admits that she told the teacher about cheating, but she did not tell on Jess. Jess just sucks at cheating!!!! Bruce is unsympathetic and he tells Jess to stop bitching about it.

Bruce promises Jess a romantic dinner at the country club to celebrate his birthday. BRUCE IS TURNING 18!!!! (And SarahLynn is now phoning airlines and trying to get an express flight to Sweet Valley!!! Bruce is legal!!!!) Of course, Bruce breaks his promise and throws a huge party at the country club. He claims it was a surprise party- FOR JESS!!!! Riiight... She's PISSED!!!! He promises her that they can be alone after the festivities, and he throws the SIX birthday gifts she bought him into the backseat without even bothering to open them. (Wonder what's inside? My guess- a Swatch, a Michael Jackson cassette, a Star Wars VHS...?) Bruce promptly ditches Jess as soon as they get to the party and Jess pretends like it doesn't bother her. At this time, it's revealed that the Droids are playing this function and NOT becoming superstars. I was right about Tony Con-over!!!! He was on some bullshit and not legit. He was only pretending that he could make them famous so Dana would like him. What. A. Loser. Dude, Dana = HIGH SCHOOL GIRL!!!! Damn creepers!!! Either way, everything is back to normal and the Droids are BFFs again. Bruce finally gets around to dancing with Jess...ONE song!!! She's really upset and in need of that "alone time" he promised, but he announces after the dance that the party is moving to Guido's.

At the pizza parlor, Bruce goes right back to ignoring Jess. Suddenly, his grandmother gets sick and he has to leave. Liz and Todd drag Jess home and Liz has a sneaking suspicion about Bruce. Liz pretends to have forgotten her wallet and Todd obediently returns to Guido's just in time for Jess to see Bruce has returned. And he has some bitch with him!!!! Oh hell no!!! Jess sees her man all over that redheaded slut and she loses it!!! She throws that nasty, greasy Guido's pizza right into Bruce's face without a moment's hesitation. She then proceeds to dump an entire pitcher of soda over his head, causing him to stumble blindly out of his chair and fall into the decorative waterfall that just so happened to be next to his chair. Everybody laughs at Bruce, even me!!! He kind of deserved that for cheating on my girl Jess!!! Jess throws salt into the wound by publicly dumping Bruce and asking Winston if he wants to go on a date with her. He readily agrees and then go off into the night, with Jess deflating all four of Bruce's tires as she leaves.

Liz and Todd stay behind and watch Bruce slink out the door. Robin Wilson joins them and gushes about how Jess is awesome and how Jess is going to get her into PBA. Liz knows it's bullshit, and she pities Robin for being so gullible. She actually likes Robin, so she swears to herself that, if Jess doesn't keep her promise, she will get Robin into PBA herself!!!! I KNEW that was a setup for book #4, I just knew it!!! Sadly, my edition ends here and I now have to locate the elusive book #4...

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Cheater or not, Bruce is still hot. And he's LEGAL now!!!!
*Robin Wilson is annoying, and it has nothing to do with her being overweight. She's just annoying!!!!
*Speaking of annoying, Enid was mysteriously absent from this book. And I am NOT complaining!!!!
*The Droids are not going to be famous, EVER!!!! They're not even fun to read about...but they smoke cigarettes, so I would probably be hanging out with them if I lived in SV...

SVH #1 - Double Love

Intro:
I was sick a couple weeks ago and the BF bought me the omnibus edition (with the first three books!!!), so I decided to quickly recap this one while it was still fresh in my mind. The last SVH book I recapped was The Morning After, so we're now traveling backwards through time to the beginning. This book was written in 1983, which makes it even older than I am!!! Wow, that's a crazy thought.
I'm more than a little disappointed that the omnibus edition did not feature the individual covers, and whoever wrote the cover descriptions has obviously never read a single SVH book...

Cover:
It's very pink, and it has old school pics of Liz and Jess on it. Nothing too fancy, but the back has an intriguing tagline...
"One good, one bad, both are California blond"
Well, that's one way of putting it, I guess. I could have written a better line... And the inside cover gives us quick descriptions of the three novels enclosed. The writer asks if JESSICA will sell out HER BEST FRIEND, Enid. What a dumbass. I'm surprised NOBODY caught that error.
Moving onto the original cover, we have Jess in a denim jacket and Liz in a white sweater. They don't really look like twins to me. Their faces have different bone structure and Jess's face is fatter than Liz's. Plus, what in the world is going on with Jess's bangs? And Liz appears to have a mullet. Did people really wear their hair like that in the '80's?

Recap:
We begin with Jess in front of the bathroom mirror, complaining about her appearance. She feels fat, but yet she complains that she has "the world's skinniest legs" and bony knees. Long story short, girl has body and self-esteem issues. Of course, the writer breaks in and tells us that Jess isn't anywhere near as hideous as she has led us to believe. She's actually the "most adorable, dazzling 16 year-old" in the entire world. Liz comes in and the writer launches into the first-ever description of the twins. Jess fun-loving and shit, and Liz writes for the Oracle. But...Liz isn't as boring as you would think!!! She writes a GOSSIP column (hahaha, I can only imagine her idea of "gossip"...overdue library books and cookie parties, I assume) and nobody knows about it. If the students at SVH knew that she wrote it, tradition dictates that she will be thrown into the school swimming pool.
Liz goes to take a shower and the phone rings. Jess answers it and is surprised that it's none other than the school's star basketball player, Todd Wilkins!!! He's calling to speak to Liz, but Jess quickly dashes his dreams by informing him that Liz is in the shower. Todd gets flustered, and Jess quickly uses this to her advantage. She has a crush on Todd, apparently, and she needs a date to the Phi Beta Epsilon dance. Todd does not get her subtle hints, so Jess quickly tires of talking to him. She tells him that she has to hang up because today is a BIG day for her and Liz. They're pledging Phi Beta Alpha (they have sororities in high school? I never knew that). Todd wishes her luck, and I liked the SVC version of events better. It provided much more insight into this scene.
Since it's a special occasion, Liz allows Jess to borrow her new "tuxedo shirt", pants, AND bow tie outfit. Wow, just WOW!!! *Googling* I wonder if it's one of those t-shirts with the printed tuxedo front, or an actual tuxedo? Either way, that's HOT!!!! (J/K) We learn that, despite pledging with Jess, Liz thinks that Phi Beta Alphas are a bunch of snobby, stuck-up girls. Jess thinks they're the prettiest and most popular girls at SVH. (Where have we heard THAT before?!?)
Over breakfast, Mr. W. announces that he's working late that evening. This means that the twins get to drive to school in their mother's FIAT SPIDER!!!! Hell yeah!!! Jess is as excited as I am: "Am I going to be hot today! In my tuxedo shirt, driving my Fiat!" Yes, she actually said that!!! NOTHING is sexier than a Fiat/Tuxedo shirt combo. NOTHING!!! Sadly, Jess and her tuxedo shirt (notice how quickly is became HER tuxedo shirt...) will be riding shotgun. Jess has lost her driving privileges because of a little fender-bender, so Mr. W. hands the keys to Liz.
On the way to school, Liz gushes about how wonderful Sweet Valley is and how lucky they are to live in such a nice place. And they're even luckier than ever now that they have a new in-ground pool in their backyard!!! (I thought they had said pool prior to this? I swear I remember it being there through the SVT years...) Jess, in contrast, is wishing that she lived up in the mansions in the hills next door to Lila and Bruce. Liz points out that life isn't easy for Lila and Bruce despite their massive stacks of cash. The Fowler family wants to develop every inch of Sweet Valley, but the Patmans want everything to be preserved, so they fight about this all of the time. Jess barely listens to Liz's argument because another thought has popped into her head. She's curious as to why her father has worked late ALL week...
Liz stops to pick up Enid a few blocks from school. Jess despises Enid (she calls her "Eeny", LOL) and is pissed that Liz is picking her up. Liz, of course, likes Enid (no homo) because she has a great personality, even if she is a little quiet. Still, Liz thinks Enid may not be totally open with her, and also that Enid may have a few secrets of her own. (Damn, setting up book #2 eighteen pages into book #1, that's some pimpin' shit right there!!!) Whatever the case, Jess doesn't give a shit. BRUCE (!!!!) is driving his gorgeous ass by in his sexy black Porsche (which goes by the name of 1BRUCE1) and Jess immediately jumps out of the Fiat, lest Bruce see her with those two losers!!!
Enid talks about some hottie named Ronnie Edwards the entire way to school. Enid's going to the PBA/PBE dance with him. And I want to know why ENID was invited to join PBA?!?! WTF??? Lila and Jess must be SO mad about this. Liz barely listens because she is too into obsessing over Todd. See, Liz has a HUGE crush on Todd. She's just never acted on it because she thinks that Todd isn't her "type". Liz is shocked when she rolls up to school and Todd approaches the Fiat. He says he has something important to discuss with her, so she promises to meet him after school. Of course, Jess ruins the moment by saying that she's 110% positive that Todd wants to ask her (Jess) to the Big Dance. Liz is a bitch, so she gets all upset and cries about this in the bathroom. It never occurs to her to actually TELL Jess that she's into Todd, so I have no sympathy for this shit.
Liz shows up to meet Todd after school, but she arrives just in time to see him leaving with Jess in the Fiat. Dejected, Liz walks home alone to find Steven in the kitchen. He's starving (as usual), so Liz makes him a giant sandwich and they discuss Mr. W.'s frequent absences and overall shady behaviors. Jess arrives home (wow, that was fast) and tries to set Steven up with Cara Walker (who he actually ended up marrying at some point..), but Steven isn't interested. He claims to have plans with someone, lots of plans, non-homosexual plans, dammit!!! But I suspect that's just a cover. Jess does too, and when Liz inquires as to her afternoon with Todd, Jess switches the subject back to Steven's secret "flaming love affair". If she ONLY knew how true that statement would turn out to be... Liz gets mad at Jess for changing subjects and she has a meltdown when Jess says that Todd will probably ask her to the dance. Liz throws a sponge against a wall (OMG!!!) and runs from the room. She cries to Mrs. W. about what a whore Jess is, and Jess uses this as the perfect distraction to phone Todd.
The following day, Liz sits in the Oracle office and daydreams about Todd. Her fantasies are pretty lame- hand holding and -GASP- a kiss on the forehead in the middle of the lunch room!!! OMG, that is the most G-rated fantasy EVER!!! I had better ones when I was like 12!!! Cara Walker comes in and shatters Liz's fantasy world by coming in and announcing that Jess and Todd are the hot new couple at SVH!!! They even went to MILLER'S POINT!!!! Oh, snap!!! Liz is upset by this, and she finishes writing her column with tears in her eyes. Mr. Collins swoops in and "as usual, he knew what to do". He hands Liz his handkerchief and she spills her guts to him. He consoles her in his typical inappropriate matter, and then John Pfeiffer (sports editor, rapist, and arsonist) rolls in and mentions Todd's incredible basketball skills and game-winning shots. Liz peaces out on that note and goes off to cry somewhere. She runs into Todd in the hallway and he apologizes for blowing her off the day before. He asks if Jess explained what happened, but Jess quickly intrudes and steals Todd away yet again. (Hmmm, I see a pattern forming here...)
Once they're alone, Todd seems fixated on Liz. He asks Jess who Liz is taking to the Big Dance, and Jess responds by telling him that Liz is a major slut who likes college guys, hoping that Todd will shut up about her inferior twin and ask her (Jess) to that damn dance. Todd again misses her not-so-subtle hints, and Jess walks home alone. She doesn't mind doing this because she "never failed to attract a good deal of attention from passing cars". No, honey, that doesn't make you hot, that makes you a PROSTITUTE!!!
Of course, her strategy pays off. As soon as her feet hit the pavement, Rick Andover rolls up in his badass Camaro and offers her a ride. Rick is a total badass- he's a DROPOUT and he smells like leather and gasoline. He looks like a junior version of Clint Eastwood (oh no, they did NOT just say that!!! Hell no!!!) and he keeps calling Jess "Heaven". That's really annoying!!! I want to punch him, but then I remember that this is only a book, and he's not real. Rick decides that he likes what he sees and he wants to take Jess out for some "serious boogeying", whatever THAT means...
Jess agrees and the following day she sneaks out to meet Rick. In a rare show of parenting, Mr. and Mrs. W. do not approve of her seeing Rick, so she lets her entire family think that she's going out with Todd. (Of course, this breaks Liz's heart, but she's too stupid to actually TELL this to Jess.) Rick takes Jess to Kelly's Roadhouse for "boilermakers" (a beer and a shot, sometimes mixed together...gross) and they have no problem getting served- without even so much as an ID check!!!! (Damn, where was this place when I was 16?!?!) Jess isn't into drinking, so she quickly gets bored. Rick tries to rectify this by giving her "moist kisses" (ewww, that sounds HORRIBLE!!! I'll take Bruce's jellyfish kisses or Todd's dry kisses over that any day!!!) and by pressuring her to have a quickie in the bar bathroom. Of course, his ass gets rejected and he immediately takes out his aggression by fighting with some fellow patrons. The bartender decides to press charges and calls the police. (I personally think that was a BAD idea, barkeep!!! Being that YOU were serving MINORS not five minutes ago... I bet Kelly fired that guy SO fast!!!)
The evening ends with Jess being escorted home in a cop car. She gets off with a warning because she wasn't drinking and also because she's A FREAKIN' WAKEFIELD!!! The cop is Emily Mayer's uncle and he thinks Jess is Liz. She doesn't bother to correct him, and Caroline Pearce witnesses the entire ordeal. The rumors start to fly (and Phase One of SVC concludes).
Jess tries to set the story straight before school, but Liz is too busy obsessing over Todd (yes, STILL) to listen. She gets to school and wonders why everyone is staring at her. Even Bruce is impressed, so you know it's kind of a Big Deal!!! Enid approaches and spouts some BS about making mistakes and learning from them, but she quickly scurries off when Ronnie arrives. Good riddance. Ronnie is none-too-happy about what "Liz" did, and he makes his feelings known to Enid. Enid tries to stand up for Liz, but Ronnie won't hear of it. Who died and made him King of Judgement?!?!
All day, Liz gets weird stares and whispers. Even Mr. Collins is acting weird...well, weirder than usual. Liz calls him on it, and he tells her that there's some sort of issue with the school's football field, and that it will be important to the story later...
Liz goes home and calls Enid to discuss the weirdness. Enid tells her what's up, and Liz is PISSED at Jess. She waits for Jess to return home and, when she does, Liz forces Jess to explain herself. Jess is too busy crying to answer right away, so Liz decides to put her anger aside and meddle for a moment. Jess is upset because she has figured out what Steven's been hiding. Apparently, Big Brother has been creepin' around with Betsey Martin!!! Betsey Martin is a WHORE!!! And she isn't blonde, and she doesn't have a pool, and her mom is dead, and her dad is the town drunk!!! Oh, shit!!! NOOOO!!! That distracts Liz long enough for Jess to slip out SOME of the truth regarding her run-in with the law. Liz forgives Jess for ruining her image because Jess was out with Rick and not Todd. Okay then.
Meanwhile, Enid and Ronnie go out on a date. They drag Todd out with them. You see, Todd is upset because of the rumor about Liz. (Again, nobody even bothers to ASK for clarification on this...surely everybody's aware that Liz has a twin.) Ronnie is blissfully unaware of Todd's crush on Liz (yes, Todd is in love with LIZ today) and he brings up the incident. Enid jumps in to defend Liz, but Ronnie is a dick and he refuses to listen. He says that some things are unforgivable. (Wow, lighten up dude, or at least get the whole story before jumping to conclusions!!!) Enid shuts up and thinks to herself about the horrible secret that she's hiding from Ronnie. She knows he would think the same way about her if he knew about her police record and the horrible accident that they tell us about in book #2, so Enid vows to never tell Ronnie about that. And I don't really care!!! 1) It's NOT like Ronnie is some major prize or anything, and 2) Enid SUCKS!!!!
At school the following day, Liz is desperate to find Todd and set things straight. Sadly, she soon gets distracted by all of the drama surrounding the SVH football field. It seems that the school's lease on the land has expired (WTF?!?) and now George Fowler wants to buy it so he can build a factory for his silicon computer chips. In contrast, Bruce's family is fighting to preserve the land and build an English garden. The student body wants to save the football field, so they organize a sit-in. The entire school gangs up on both Bruce and Lila, and chaos ensues. Everybody yells, and insults are hurled. Liz steps in (of course) and Lila immediately tells her to STFU. (This is also Lila's first official SVH appearance!!!) Lila tells Liz -in front of EVERYBODY- that nobody cares what she has to say because everybody knows Liz is a wild slut who frequents Kelly's Roadhouse with the likes of Rick Andover!!! Bruce also jumps on Liz's case, telling her that everybody knows she's TRASH because her dad keeps sneaking around and working late with that "trampy broad" Marianna West (his sexy new assistant at the office, AKA- the reason Jess and Liz are suspicious of Mr. W.'s late nights at the office). Liz leaves them to their fighting and goes back to the safety of the Oracle office, replaying Bruce's words in her mind and growing even more suspicious of her father. (Damn, this book has A LOT of subplots!!!)
Todd observes all of this and tries to talk to Liz as she walks away. She isn't in the mood to explain herself to him, so she just ignores him. Jess approaches and tells Todd the truth because she can't stand Liz's sadness. Todd is an absolute idiot, and he thinks that Jess is just trying to cover for Liz. (He's known them since KINDERGARTEN, but yet he doesn't get that Jess = the bad one. I guess he didn't read the back of the book like I did!!!!) Todd kisses Jess in front of everybody and asks her to be his date for the dance.
When Liz hears of this, she is even more depressed. Bruce asks her to be his date for the dance, and she TURNS HIM DOWN!!!! What. A. Bitch!!!! Winston convinces her to go with him (as friends), and Liz reluctantly agrees. Win is so happy that he runs across campus "screaming like a deranged chimpanzee"...creepy!!!!
That evening, Liz is still upset and Jess is positively bursting with happiness. Steven comes home for dinner and all three of them sit around wondering where their parents are. During all of this, Jess confronts him about his secret affair with Betsey Martin, and Steven admits that he was actually dating TRICIA MARTIN. But it won't be an issue for the "perfect" Wakefield family because Steven couldn't bear the shame of dating someone from such a horrible, vile family and he and Tricia have broken up. Liz and Steven sit around and mope while Jessica bubbles over with happiness.
Finally, the day of the Big Dance arrives!!! Of course, the Droids are the musical entertainment. But Todd is too broken up over the whole Liz-is-a-slut thing to enjoy his date with Jess. Jess picks up on this, and it angers her. She feels insulted when the evening ends with a quick kiss on the cheek instead of some backseat fun sexy time at Miller's Point. She decides that NO MAN rejects Jessica Wakefield and she vows REVENGE!!!!
As soon as she enters the house, Jess runs to Liz and cries. In an effort to ruin Todd's image, she tells Liz that Todd tried to force her to do stuff with him. Liz -in a moment of Todd-esque awesomeness- threatens to kill Todd!!!! This satisfies Jess's desire for revenge and she goes to bed, pleased with herself for obliterating Liz's stupid crush on Todd. (Amazing that NOBODY brought THIS little incident up on their wedding day!!!)
Steven is unable to sleep. He continues to mope about the house. Finally, the parentals reappear and convince him to talk about it. As it turns out, they actually APPROVE of him and Tricia. Unlike their idiot children, Mr. and Mrs. W. are able to realize that Tricia has no control of her crappy life. It's not her fault that her mom is dead, or that her dad is a drunk, or even that her sister is such a fucking slut!!! Steven admits that it was stupid of him to let that interfere with his LOVE of Tricia and he decides to go and reclaim his love!!! He does this quite easily. (Poor Tricia, she should have at least smacked him for being such an ass!!!) On the way home, he sees his father's car driving down the street. Steven decides to follow his father home, but he's shocked when his father pulls into an unfamiliar driveway. Steven sees Mr. W. getting out of his car, accompanied by that trampy broad, Marianna!!!!
The following day, Liz is mad at the world. She hates Todd for what he did to Jess, and she avoids him entirely. He gets frustrated by this and calls her at home. He tells her that -get this shit- HE FORGIVES HER FOR GOING OUT WITH RICK AND DRINKING!!!! Rightfully so, Liz is PISSED that Todd is being such a self-righteous little prick (plus, she still thinks he tried to rape her sister). Liz hangs up on him and prepares to go to court the following day to cover the football field trial for the Oracle.
While in court, Liz is surprised to see that her father is representing SVH's side with the aid of none other than Marianna!!!! Of course, it's her duty as a reporter to be unbiased, so she is forced to write about that slut Marianna like she doesn't hate the homewrecking slut's stupid ugly guts. As the proceedings unfold, Liz is surprised to see that Marianna is doing all the lawyer-ing and presenting a very good case for the school. Of course, Team Wakefield is victorious and the judge immediately rules that the school is allowed to renew it's lease and keep their football field!!! Yay!!! Liz returns to school and announces the victory. The entire student body celebrates this by hoisting Liz onto their shoulders like a hero. Why?!?! I have no clue, it's not like she did anything... Of course, Liz gives most of the credit to Marianna.
Liz goes home and gushes to her mom about how wonderful her father was in court. Mrs. W. is already hard at work cooking a special celebration dinner. She even invited Marianna, and she tells Liz that Mr. W. has a special announcement. Liz automatically decides that he's decided to leave the family and hook up with Marianna. She IS a trampy broad, after all. Liz tells Jess about this and they both begin to worry. (Me, I just sit back and try to contain my frustration. This scenario is totally improbable, even in Sweet Valley!!!) Steven comes home and tells the twins that he's invited Tricia over for dinner, and now Jess and Liz are even more worried.
Of course, Mr. W. has the good sense not to inform his family of his cheating ways. Marianna is actually the new partner at his law firm!!!! (Way to sleep your way to success, Marianna!!!) Everybody is relieved by this news, and dinner goes very smoothly.
Since dinner wasn't satisfying enough for Liz, she meets up with Enid at the Dairi Burger. Todd is also there- with Emily Mayer!!! Liz acts like it doesn't bother her, but she secretly wants to cry. She finally has to admit to herself that -accused rapist or not- she has feelings for Todd. She decides to get over it and even goes out on a date with (the newly single) Ken Matthews. They're just FRIENDS, though, so Liz's heartbreak never fully fades...
One day sometime later, Rick Andover randomly shows up on Calico Drive. He's highly intoxicated and he forces both twins to go for a drive with him. He gets in the driver's seat and rolls the Fiat down the city streets with reckless abandon. He's on some crazy rant about the assholes at Kelly's and how they messed up his life by getting him arrested. He decides to go back and get his revenge! (Apparently, the guy who owns Kelly's bribed somebody somewhere to avoid losing his liquor license for serving minors...and the bartender has NOT been fired either.) As he drives like a crazy guy, he passes the Dairi Burger. A large crowd witnesses his craziness and Todd hops into his trusty Datsun to play the hero.
Todd chases Rick all the way to Kelly's and tries to stop him from raising hell. Rick throws a punch, and Todd retaliates. Todd easily kicks Rick's drunken ass and is rewarded with a kiss from Liz. Todd finally realizes that Jess was the one who got in trouble at Kelly's, and he feels like a tool for treating Liz like he did. Everything is quickly resolved, and Liz kisses Todd some more.
Liz finally breaks away from Todd long enough to yell at Jess for the whole Kelly's incident (wait, I thought she was over it when she learned Jess was out with Rick instead of Todd?). Jess apologizes and tells Liz that she only lied so she wouldn't be kicked off the cheerleading squad. (Even I think that was kind of shallow!!!) Liz knows that the cheer squad is the most important thing in Jess's life (obviously even more important than her twin sister...) and she quickly forgives Jess. But don't worry, Liz has already decided to teach Jess a lesson.
The following day, Liz puts her revenge plan into effect. She reclaims her tuxedo shirt from Jess's closet and "accidentally" spills water on Jess's outfit. Liz lends Jess a clean outfit and Todd drives them to school for some pep rally celebrating the football field. Everybody keeps confusing Liz and Jess, and Liz's plan is working!!!! Todd is her co-conspirator, and Liz quickly makes up an excuse to leave him alone with Jess (that was her first mistake!!!). Remember how I told you that Liz writes that secret gossip column for the Oracle? And how the writer gets thrown into the pool once his/her identity is revealed? Well, Liz remembers, and she suspects the Mr. Collins is the one who's behind the great revelation. (Insert tasteless comment re. Mr. Collins here!!!!) Liz keeps up the Jess charade and runs around telling everybody that "Liz" writes the column. Since Jess is dressed in Liz's clothes and standing with Todd (possibly making out or hugging...or worse) everyone surrounds her and throws her into the pool. She tries to protest, but everyone believes she's Liz!!! Liz and Todd sneak away from all of this and go off somewhere to makeout.
While all this unfolds, Enid is lurking about somewhere. She's thinking about her horrible secret...and setting up book #2 in the process. It promises to be a real snooze-fest, I can already tell!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Where were places like Kelly's Roadhouse when I was 16?
*Bruce = gorgeous.
*Enid = boring as hell. I dread book #2 immensely.