The Unicorn Club #16 - Bon Voyage, Unicorns!

Intro: This is one of the last UC books that I read the first time around. It's part one of a two part Caribbean miniseries! In typical SarahLynn fashion, I currently only have book one, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure out the ending based on this recap alone. Plus, it's all taking place on a cruise ship, so you know nothing from this will have any permanence whatsoever.

Cover: There's the cruise ship (which I secretly start to hope is a Carnival ship...c'mon, disaster at sea! I watched CNN a lot when I was off work with my broken arm, so I'm well aware of recent stories regarding broken cruise ships). Jess is rocking some orange shorts and she appears to need a hair appointment just as badly as I do. Oh, the regrowth! I will assume the rest of the girls are UC members, but I have no idea who's who on these covers.

Recap: This book is from February of 1997, so the UC is post-Angels split, pre Rachel (lucky for me. I just don't like her). The club currently consists of Jess, Li, Ellen, Mandy, and Kimberly, and they're joining 100's of 7th and 8th graders on a 10 day cruise! Lila, of course, has been on THREE cruises already, but even she's excited about the BOY factor. It's going to be "hyperwonderful"! Whatever that means. Dream Teen Magazine is sponsoring the festivities.

The club packs for the cruise. And we get a description of their departure outfits! Lila, who is bringing tons of designer clothing, is wearing a lime green rib-knit silk minidress (???), and she wants to share a room with Ellen, who is still depressed about her parents divorcing. Ellen is so sad (and has such an underdeveloped personality) that she merely threw whatever into one suitcase and left without caring. Thus, more closet space for Lila and her 5 suitcases. Ellen has somehow become club president (what?! When?!) by this point.

In the other cabin, Mandy has brought lots of retro 60's beachwear (damnit, Mandy's a total hipster in training, and to think she was once my favorite, however briefly) and Jess went for a casual look. She packed white shorts, flippy little skirts, and little tshirts. Kimberly is all Sporty Spice, so she brought tons of Spandex athletic clothes. They unpack and meet Li and Ellen for a mixer party. Ellen ends up getting ditched by everyone when BOYS start showing up. Awwww.

The UC are worst friends to Ellen than normal in this book, so it takes them awhile to notice that she's gone. They go looking, and find her attempting to leave the ship. She tries to jump back on the dock but instead falls into the water and has to be rescued. She is returned to the ship and forced to stay on the cruise. She's upset that her friends aren't hanging out together and that no one ever bothers to include her in anything.

Her shit friends eventually figure out that she's feeling neglected (I always hated how self involved everyone was in these books, no one seems to notice when their friends have problems!). They decide that she's lacking self confidence and will never get a boy with that attitude.

Ellen, meanwhile, IS attracting attention. A cute surfer boy comes up to say hello. His name is Curtis Bowman (any relation to Mr. Bowman from SVT?) and he thought Ellen's trip overboard was cool. Of course, he's not up to UC standards, so the Bitch Squad -I mean UC- breaks it up. They each decide to pick out a guy for Ellen and give her makeovers!!!! (I love makeovers, but I legit like Ellen for who she is, damnit!!!!)

Li finds her guy first. She's shopping at one of the ship's boutiques and she meets Jared from San Francisco. He's stuck up, snobby, and gold card rich!!!

Jess also finds an eligible bachelor of her own. His name is Sam (not Woodruff, or even Collins, sadly) and he's from Oregon.

Ellen, meanwhile, is desperate to escape the ship. The captain refuses to let her leave and she's stuck with her negligent friends. At dinner, everyone brings a potential hookup for Ellen, but she isn't into it at all. She knows a setup when she sees it, and she doesn't want her friends interfering with her love life. (Understandable, even my own bestie meddles in my love life on occasion, and it never ends well. Still, I appreciate her efforts.). Ellen also hates the food (hey now, at least it isn't onion sandwiches..) but she cheers up a bit when Curtis appears. He also hates the food, and they both agree that junk food is much better. (Yes! I'm eating Sriracha chips right now!). Curtis convinces Ellen to let loose, and they dance like idiots, much to the embarrassment of the UC.

The suitors chosen for Ellen question why she's spazzing out on the dance floor. Li explains to Jared that Ellen is a royal descendant, and as a result of all royals being inbred, she has a "tic" that makes her all twitchy and uncoordinated. After this, the UC is forced to intervene because Curtis = unacceptable.

Ellen spends the next few chapters getting madeover and dating Li and Jess's choices. First, Li makes her over and teaches her to act stuck up and bored. Ellen goes sightseeing with Jared when the ship docks.

Jess gets her hands on Ellen that same evening. She makesover Ellen for the ship's disco and forces her to go with Sam. Since Jess is always so happy, Ellen must act bubbly and totally different from what Lila taught her. She does alright, but when she runs into Li and Jared she has to act snobby again. She ditches Sam and dances with Jared. Li is displeased that she was out with Sam and that she's taking Jared for granted because he's a great guy...hmmmm, curious.

Sam whines to Jess about Ellen ditching him and she tells him to cut in. Ellen gives him the cold shoulder, and Jess realizes that Lila is behind this. She also realizes that Ellen is stupid enough to listen. Ouch.

Jess confronts Ellen and smoothes things over with Sam. The whole UC is fighting about their boys by this point and Ellen is totally over it. She goes to her room and -surprise- Curtis shows up, with junk food!!!! Sweet. (I'm totally picturing Curtis as Spicoli from Fast Times, btw.) Ellen likes spending time with him because she can just be herself and Curtis is accepting of that. She starts enjoying herself.

Of course, the UC cannot allow this!!!! They bust in and declare an emergency meeting. Ellen is upset but her "friends" assure her that they just want the best for her. They even manage to make her feel GUILTY. Those. Bitches!!!!

At breakfast the next morning, Jess and Li talk to their bachelors without Ellen present. (Hands up if you can see where this is going...). Mandy joins them with HER choice, Jack. Jack is an artist type who paints and writes. He wears all black and thus Ellen is manipulated into another makeover. Mandy puts her in all black (even lipstick...ewww) and tells her that she's an artist/dancer now. (Ellen? As a dancer? Now I'm terrified...)

The UC continues to fight about their various boys, but they all agree that they hate Curtis. Kimberly suggests athletic type Peter for date #4, and Ellen ends up getting yet another makeover. Now she's a tennis player (and at least none of her clothing will be dirty after this trip, since she's borrowing multiple outfits on a daily basis...) and she loses to Peter on purpose. Ellen doesn't even like tennis. Sigh.

The UC continues to argue, each believing that they've found the perfect guy for Ellen. They accuse each other of confusing Ellen and agree that their only motive in all of this is finding a guy for Ellen so that they can start looking for their own. Selfish, much?!

Since it has yet to occur to Ellen that she can stand up for herself, she accepts an invitation to join Jared in the ship's VIP club. It's so exclusive that even LILA can't join! Omfg!!!! I want in!!! It's for the children of Presidents (ohhh, are the Bush girls there? I want to party with them!) and diplomats (like Declan from Degrassi...even more appealing!) and movie stars and millionaires. So tell me again why Li is excluded from this? Mr. F has 36 bedrooms in his house, that's like billionaire shit!!!! And, surprise, the other 3 romantic prospects have also sent Ellen flowers and date invites! She accepts them all. (Step your game up, Curtis! You're losing her!)

While Ellen is out slutting, the UC finally hangs out together. They talk, and realize that Ellen isn't right for any of their choices! She just mimicks them! (And we all know each girl is actually perfect for her choice, so I don't know why they don't just figure it out...and why does this need 2 parts?!). Mandy cries when she talks about Jack and Ellen. And it's even worse when she sees them kissing. The rest of the UC feels similarly, and they start to resent Ellen.

Of course, Ellen's secretly hung up on Curtis, but since the UC doesn't approve, she's trying to make them happy. Wow, there's a serious lack of communication. This would NOT have happened under Janet Howell, IMO.

All of the UC finally realize that they're each in love with their choice. This leads to them all sitting around and crying (sweet, they kind of deserve this). Li is the only one who isn't depressed. She sabotaged Ellen's snob behavior, as well as her shoes for the evening! And it's the night of Ellen's VIP dinner with Jared!

The UC gets all slutted up in their club clothes and head to the disco. All of the boys ignore them and only want Ellen. Ellen, meanwhile, is at her VIP dinner. Her sabotaged shoes fail her and she collapses into the table. She's not hurt, but she is embarrassed.

The UC hears of this and rushes to see Ellen in the infirmary. It's full of flowers from her various boys. They apologize for being such bitches and trying to make Ellen into a carbon copy. She forgives them and announces that she loves being popular. And she won't let them down again. No one will be rejected, she'll just date all 4! Which leads us to book #17 - "Boyfriends For Everyone"!

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The UC has created a monster!!!! A brainless slutty poser monster, but still a monster!!!! They deserve everything that happens to them in the following book. Yet, by title alone, we all know how this one ends up. Thus, I can safely skip over it and start on some SVH recaps. I was going to do UC #11 - "Angels Keep Out", but my notes for that one fill 5 pages, and I need a break from this series!!!!

The Unicorn Club #18 - Rachel's In, Lila's Out

Intro: Keeping with my Lila theme (because it makes me happy)!!!! I've never read this book before, possibly because it's from June of 1997, and I was more into SVH and Christoper Pike by this time.

Cover: We have a pool! Possibly the one at Fowler Crest, since this IS a Lila book. Jess is impossibly thin on the cover, with impossibly long legs. Lila looks younger than she did on the cover for #14, and she does not look happy. There's a black girl floating in the pool (Maria? Or is this the Rachel character?), and I am officially intrigued.

The back cover tells us that Mr. F is selling their house, which is now Fowler Mansion, and some bitch named Rachel Grant is moving in...to Lila's old room. Lila is pissed and out for revenge, but she also thinks Rachel has a secret...

Recap: This is one of the third person narrated books. I liked the early, first person ones, but maybe this will be easier to summarize...PLEASE!!!

We start with Lila waking up on a Saturday morning. She looks around her fabulous bedroom and thinks about how she loves her stuff. And life in general. I guess Mr. F has kept his promise to make more time for Li? We shall see...

Lila goes and has breakfast with her dad, and he asks about her plans for the day, because he's trying to make an effort. Li plans on floating in the pool and shopping with her friends. Mr. F, of course, can't even get their names right! But give him some credit, at least he's trying. He wants to continue a discussion about the house that he started in a previous book. (2 books prior, when the UC was on a cruise ship.)

Before I explain why he wants to discuss this, I have to list what we've learned so far about Fowler Mansion/Manor/Crest:
•Largest house in SV
•Olympic sized swimming pool
•Movie theater
•Stained glass windows
•Antiques everywhere
•Imported Turkish rugs
•Wroght iron stairs
•Louis XIV dining table
•Horse riding stable in front yard
•Internet in every room
•Entire house equipped with a speaker system

The Fowlers also own a few other properties, which I feel the need to list:
•Condo in Vail
•Apartment in NYC
•Villa in Northern Italy

This is the reason why Mr. F has decided to sell the mansion and buy a smaller, more intimate cottage on Secca Lake. It only has SIX bedrooms, omg!!!! Apparently a 75 room mansion is too big for just the two of them, and they never even use the 4 sunrooms or the conservatory. The neighbors are also selling their house, and I'm happy that I know nothing about real estate. Lila walks around, dazed. She strokes the built-in spice rack, and the 3 balconies, plus the multi level sinks.

Lila's mood is not improved when the UC comes for a sleepover. They all discuss how much they love Lila's house and freeloading. Lila just sits and listens, feeling sad.

Three days later, the mansion next door sells. Wow, that seems...fast. Lila goes out to enjoy the pool while she still can. Pause, there's a girl in the pool! She's wearing the same suit as Lila, so she must be important. She's described as full-figured, and cocoa-colored, and I have no comments. She also boasts the longest, thickest eyelashes that Lila has ever seen. So we (myself and Li) automatically hate this ho. Bitch adds insult to injury by dropping her soda can into the pool. She also drops peanuts into the pool. Ewwww. Anyways, crazy girl claims to live there and tells LILA to get her another soda. Oh hell no!!!!

Pool Girl's friend, Tina, rushes to get the soda, and Lila finds out that she is the Rachel from the title, and Fowler Mansion is ghetto compared to Rachel's old house. Rachel's house had 2 movie theaters, and a full time projectionist. Plus, her stable held 8 horses, while Li's only holds 4. And her house had a climbing wall. (And I'm super annoyed by this chick. I call bullshit!!!!!). Rachel also hates Li's "ditzy" bedroom chandeliers. And, oh yeah, she has a MOM. She mentions that her mom is in Europe with Tina's mom, who is their decorator. Lila immediately hates this bitch, and when she asks Tina if Mama Rachel is as terrible as her demon spawn, Tina dodges the question. Shady...

Lila storms into Mr. F's meeting with Rachel's father, Mr. Grant (G, for short), and throws a fit. Mr. G further escalates the situation by saying that Li is just like his Rachel. Oh snap. Both fathers agree that they have spoiled daughters. To Li's dismay, Mr. F offers to let Rachel stay with them while Mr. G goes on a business trip...with Tina's mom (hmmmm)!!!! He accepts, and Bitchface will be staying for a couple weeks.

Oddly, we get a Rachel POV here. She hates this new girl, Lisa, Lily, Laura, whatever her name is. She's also jealous of Tina because she's lucky for some undisclosed reason. Plus, Rachel doesn't want to stay at the mansion, there's only one place that she wants to stay...

Back to Lila (yay!), she's still depressed. She thinks her friends only like her for her house, so she doesn't tell them that she has to move. She feels like the house is more of a Unicorn Club member than she is, being that her friends are always over, even when she isn't home! (Wow, that's rude as hell! And it totally reminded me of Billy Madison, so that's how I will picture Lila's house from now on...) Lila overhears something about Tina going home to her mother that night, and she finds this suspicious. (Maybe Tina has two mommies like I do!!!!!)

Rachel shows up for her extended sleepover with 7 duffel bags, an overnight bag, and 2 boxes with "KEEP OUT" written on them. Again, SHADY. Out of the mansions 3 dozen (yes, 36!) bedrooms, she immediately takes over Lila's room. Bitch starts ripping posters off of the walls and piles her stuff all over. I would have kicked her ass at this point, but Lila goes for the psychological attack and asks where Rachel's mom REASlLY is. Rachel lies, and Li is evermore suspicious.

The UC randomly shows up uninvited, because Lila has a better house than any of them. (Seriously, how rude!). Lila doesn't want to tell them that she's moving, or about Rachel upstairs, so she drags everyone to Casey's.

The book switches to Rachel POV again. We learn that she's unhappy about something, and that she wonders just how much Li knows about her mother. Suddenly, Jess bursts in to use the bathroom. Rachel tells her that she lives there...cover blown.

Jess of course questions Li about this, and Lila lies. She claims Rachel is the crazy daughter of one of Mr. F's college roommates, and that she's been kicked out of her asylum (ha!) so it's a big secret. Jess accepts this and no one else in the UC finds out.

Later, we get more Rachel. She's alone, and jealous that Li has friends. Rachel moved around alot, so all she has is Tina (who I haven't seen in awhile...). Rachel decides to be nicer to Lila. Li, of course, is not having this! When Rachel invites her to watch tv in her room, Li thinks she's just rubbing it in.

The girls continue their ridiculous show of one-upsmanship and this leads to a fight. Lila feels superior because she has friends, but Bitch Rachel has a MOTHER!!! Damn, she went there. Rachel's mother calls randomly and Lila, being pissed off and jealous, eavesdrops and thinks about how Rachel doesn't deserve a mother. Harsh, but I can't be too hard on Lila.

While eavesdropping, Lila learns that Rachel's mom can't see her for some reason. But, she has Lakers tickets... The Lakers play in LA (and I hate them! When they play my team, I get "KobeDrunk" aka- blackout drunk, and it's never pretty...), so Mrs. G is local. Also, the phone line isn't fuzzy like on normal international calls...

Lila, in true Lila fashion, calls Rachel out on this shit. She knows that the Lakers play in California, NOT Rome. (Actually, I think they have played in Europe on at least one occasion since this was written, damn future NBA Europe expansion!). Rachel considers killing Lila (for real, she's psycho!) but instead she just cries.

Jess overhears her blubbering (sorry, I'm finding it difficult to be sympathetic towards Rachel. Bitch, why lie? At least you HAVE a mom...) and informs Lila about the incident. Somehow, Ellen finds out about Rachel (aka- the crazy girl, lol) and BRUCE (first mention of him in ALL of my UC reading!!!!) does as well. Before the day is done, Kimberly knows, too.

Thinking quickly, Li tells Jess that Rachel is actually -wait for it- a ghost! Ridiculous, but UC Jess is pretty stupid, so she believes it. Caroline Pearce also hears about the ghost at Lila's, so soon all of SV will know as well. It's even going in the school paper!

Apparently, Rachel does not have to attend school during her stay at Lila's, so she's laying by the pool. She meets the new neighbors, Alexander and Amelia Q. Witherspoon, and wishes that her father had purchased their house instead. Her logic is flawed, however, she thinks buying the Witherspoon House = not having to deal with Lila. Ummmm, sorry hun, but that would make you NEIGHBORS...

Lila arrives home and shows Rachel the article about the ghost in the paper. Rachel asks if the house is really haunted, and Li confirms that it's haunted as shit. Rachel gets upset because her mom is afraid of ghosts, and because of this shell never come to visit Rachel now. Conversely, she decides that Lila may have just solved her housing dilemma. She decides to make Fowler Manor even more haunted so her father won't buy it.

Lila is still hung up on solving the mystery of Rachel's mom, so she calls Tina's mom and pretends to be a client referred by Mrs. Grant. Tina's mom falls silent, and Lila gets nothing. She also calls Tina and claims to be the authorities (not a total lie, she IS the authority on designer swimwear). Tina refuses to talk about Mrs. G, so Li comes up with a theory... Mrs. G is a fugitive "from justice"! Oh no, that is the worst kind of fugitive!!!!

Lila decides that she must have done something awful, like bank robbery. Or maybe she drowns babies, or even -omg- sneaks into Johnny Buck concerts with fake tickets!!!! Seriously, I love Lila!!! She calls the police to ask, but of course they reveal nothing.

Rachel begins setting up her ghost experiment. She walks around making ghost noises. Lila does this as well, in an effort to scare Rachel, but neither girl hears the other because the house is just too large. Jess and Ellen (who are apparently just hanging out at Lila's without Li even knowing...) see Ghost Rachel and inform Lila of her haunted attic. The neighbors catch sight of Ghost Lila and inform Rachel of her existence. So, basically, both girls are doing the exact same thing and both believe the house is haunted.

Rachel and Lila each run from their respective ghosts and end up crashing into each other. Scared, they decide to stay together and end up sharing one of the many couches. They get to talking about the UC and Li's friends. Rachel admits that she's jealous because she's always moving and she gets shipped away to boarding school. (Which I always thought would be awesome! Zoey 101 basically confirmed this for me, so SarahLynn Junior will be getting shipped away to boarding school someday...)

The following day, the Witherspoons ask Lila about the haunting. They suggest calling an exterminator (the fuck?! Are they serious with that?!) and give Li a letter that arrived in their mail by mistake. It's a letter for Rachel and it contains lots of paper. Rachel reads it and gets upset, so Li commits a felony and goes through the papers. It turns out that Mrs. G is a physicist at UCLA (my ever-assuming ass thought that it would end up that she was in rehab for the crack, I must admit...bad SarahLynn!) and the reason she's not around is that she's divorcing Mr. G. She blames herself for all of the problems this is causing Rachel. (As she should, that selfish bitch!!!! What kind of woman abandons her obviously disturbed teenage daughter?!)

Li talks to Rachel and learns that Rachel also blames herself. Lila quickly switches the subject to how sad she is, and how her friends love her house more than her. Rachel basically laughs at her and says she's crazy. And, we have a breakthrough!!!! Both girls realize that they, like, totally understand each other! That wrapped up well.

Later, the UC comes over and Li makes Rachel hide, but the UC has specifically come to ghost hunt! They're successful and they catch her. Rachel breaks down and cries. She tells them the truth and they're upset that Li didn't tell them she was moving. They assure Lila that they actually like HER, and not just because her house is awesome. Lila isn't mad at Rachel for spilling things and they decide to try this friendship thing.

Li and Rachel join forces and play Ghost one last time. Their plan: scare the Witherspoons into moving. Thus, the mansion next door to Lila's will be on the market. It works nicely, and both fathers agree to be neighbors. Mr. F had a change of heart and realized that he truly loved his mansion!!!! But it doesn't end there...Rachel gets invited to join the Unicorns!!!!! And she accepts!!!! Just so there's no weirdness, she tells all of them about her mother up front.

The book can't end without a setup for #19, so we get the girls looking at super thin model Katherine Pierce in a magazine. There's something "haunted" about her...and you don't get to find out what it is because I do not own "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World", apologies.

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Rachel is a Bitchface. Plus, this was super difficult for me to recap because my sister is named Rachael, and autocorrect kept changing the spelling to my sisters version. I did enjoy the descriptions of Fowler Mansion/Manor/Crest, and all of the Lila actions. But, the ghost subplot was super lame and boring. Also, I read this a few months ago (before I broke my dominant arm and had to learn how to do everything right handed) and looking at my left handed handwriting makes me sad :(. It was just so pretty, I hate being a righty!!!