SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 9) - "Blunder Alley"

Intro:
I hope everybody enjoyed Chapter One of Freshman Year!!! I have more typed up and ready to go, but my time is limited tonight due to Game One of the NBA Finals, watching a Twins game, AND a friend of mine being on America's Got Talent, so I'm just going to do a quick TV recap...

Today's episode is called "Blunder Alley", and that title totally reminds me of this show I used to watch on TV as a kid. I think the show was called "Thunder Alley", but that's close enough. Haley Joel Osment (from the 6th Sense, duh) was on that show, if I recall correctly. I really doubt that has anything to do with this SVH episode, but it makes a good random trivia question, and -admit it- you just learned something new!!! You can thank me later.

Recap:
Today's story begins at the Moon Beach (yay, Moon Beach!!!!). As you will remember, the scary new Bruce's daddy has recently purchased the MB so Bruce can get some work experience...or something. It appears Brucey has bought one of those fortune telling machines that has the creepy puppet lady inside. Those things freak me out SO bad!!!! And they remind me of the Riddler in Batman Forever...SCARY STUFF!!!!

In typical Sweet Valley fashion, everybody acts like this is the greatest thing ever!!!! Everybody flocks to the machine and starts pumping money into it in exchange for their paper fortunes. Damn, these kids REALLY need to get out more. Jess and Lila agree with me, of course, and they laugh at how stupid everybody else is. Winston pays for his fortune and gets a blank paper, but we already knew that was coming!!! Enid (ugh) also gets a fortune- she will soon get many gifts. Her stupid ass is all excited because her aunt is coming (LOL @ my notes, "Aunt coming- Flo or Rose?" Sorry for that, I can be immature sometimes!!!!) and said aunt always brings lots of gifts for her favorite niece. Blah, I'm going to go bash my head against the wall for awhile, call me when she's gone!!!!

Bruce (if you could even call him that...I really would have felt better had they just 86'ed Bruce's character and went with a new character instead of a replacement...Oh, Brock Burnett, how you have failed me!!!!) overhears Li and Jess's convo, and he gives them a free fortune, just for fun. Li's fortune warns of her impending doom, and Jess's says everything she loves will be destroyed. (Wait, Jess loves Liz, right?!?! This could be good!!!!) Jess and Li laugh off their predictions and go on about their day like any normal person would.

Meanwhile, guess who's back to his brooding in the billiards room?! No, not Mr. Body from 'CLUE'....TODD WILKINS!!!! Todd is currently hating on some new guy who's dating Liz, I guess. His name is Zack and he's wearing a t-shirt that he got on a trip to Kenya. Bruce strikes up a conversation with this dude because he's apparently also been to Kenya (yet another reason why I detest this new Bruce, he's just too...worldly for me!!!!). Bruce and Zack hit it off in a totally non-gay, Bromantic-type of way, and Todd sulks about it. Zack reveals that he is actually the subject of one of Liz's articles for the Oracle, but Todd still assumes the worst. Liz interviews Zack, and Todd's suspicions are confirmed when the interview concludes with Zack asking Liz out on a date.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila seems to be having some very bad luck. On the way to the Moon Beach (wait, didn't they just leave the MB? Why are they going back?) they get splashed by a passing semi. (Being splashed is still better than being SQUASHED, you whiny little brats!!!!!) I guess that ties in with the fortunes they got earlier. (Jess loves her clothes, and they were destroyed by the splash, and being out in public looking dirty is probably Li's idea of social doom-ination!!!!) Jess and Li decide that, in order to reverse this sudden onset of bad luck, they need to get new, better fortunes. They feed the scary machine some $$$, and it spits out a couple fortunes. Li's says she will be burned, and Jess's says she will be spurned by a man with a red horse. Uh oh... Sure enough, Jess's date for the evening cancels (he drives a red Mustang, coincidentally!!!!) and Lila's hair gets fried in a freak styling accident (OMG, that's my worst fear, really!!!!). Jess and Li, being the super geniuses that they are, keep buying fortunes, hoping for a positive one. They also stock up on a bunch of lucky charms (rabbit feet and such, not the cereal) to ward off the bad luck. (Editorial comment: Ha, these two have NO IDEA what bad luck really is!!!!! Seriously!!!!) They return to the MB yet again, only to discover that bruce is cashing in and making hella bank off of their fortune teller addiction. Fortunes now cost FIVE dollars, and everybody is STILL buying them!!!! Except for my girl Cheryl, she's smart and knows it's all BS!!!!

Back to LameLand, Liz goes on her date with Zack. He's some sort of rainforest freak and he keeps babbling about conservation and nearly boring me to death. They end up at a bowling alley (ahhhh, that explains the title of the episode...I wonder what this "blunder" is going to be...) and -conveniently- Todd shows up with a date!!!! This new girl is a total Liz clone, and I am currently praying very hard that this girl is MARGO in a surprise cameo, that would be quite the blunder!!!! Sadly, they don't tell us her name (so I am going to go ahead and assume that this is Margo!!!!), and Liz is pissed that Todd showed up with this ho. She accuses him of trying to wreck her date with Zack, and this leads to an impromptu bowling showdown/MONTAGE! Liz and Todd both try to sabotage each other, and I wish they would both just get over themselves already. Dude, you're going to marry Jess, so just end this bullshit right now and spare me some misery!!!! (SPARE me, get it?!? Bowling.)

Luckily, I am spared (for the moment) as we travel back to the Moon Beach. People are still going all crazy over the $5 fortunes. It seems that everybody (with a few exceptions) is getting very good fortunes that immediately come true. Winston's are still blank, of course. Jess comes in on crutches because she tripped on a HORSESHOE during the commercial break. Oh, the irony!!! (Ooops, I did it again, "IRON"-y, horseshoe...) Lila gets so pissed off about all of this bad luck that she actually STRANGLES Enid (yes!!!! Love love LOVE Lila!!!!) for her good fortune. And my notes say "Manny=Puppy" for some reason...maybe because he follows Eeny around like one, or perhaps he recently acquired one as a pet? I may never know...or care, for that matter!!! Bruce makes fun of Jess and Li's craziness, and this leads us to...THE OBLIGATORY REVENGE SCENARIO FOR THIS EPISODE!!!! Jess begins to formulate a plan, which will be revealed to us at a later time...

Back at the bowling alley, Liz and Todd's tensions are boiling over. They fight some more, and then realize that their dates have left. TOGETHER!!!! Ha, way to go, Zack!!!! No wonder we will never see Zack again, going off alone with someone who is most likely MARGO!!!!! Either way, this leads Liz and Todd to realize how stupid they are being. Todd accidentally admits that he is still in love with Liz and they start to reminisce about their relationship. I think they're going to get back together pretty soon. Damn, I like Bad Todd!!!! (RIP, T-Wilk!!!!)

Of course, we still have to wrap up the other plot (A-Plot? B-Plot? I have no idea which is which, hence the combined-plot, switch back-and-forth recap) so we again travel to the Moon Beach. It's closed for the evening, but that will not stop Jess and Li from getting their revenge (on what/who? Bruce, for laughing at them? Or the fortune teller, for giving them sucky fortunes?). Jess still has a copy of the MB keys from that episode where she worked with Bruce, so they easily sneak inside and attack the fortune machine. Well, "attack" is too strong a word (I just want it to be more interesting, dammit!!!), they merely open it up and put fortunes that they made inside it.

The following day, people again flock to the fortune teller. Jess and Li's fortunes are actually coupons for free food at the MB!!!! (Oh, so they were getting revenge on Bruce for taking everybody's money! IDK anymore...and I don't think I care either.) The police bust in and demand to see a permit for the machine (?). Of course, Bruce didn't get one, and he complains to the police about someone putting the coupons in the fortune teller. The cops basically laugh at him and demand that he honor all of the coupons. Lila, sneaky as she is, donated a cappuccino machine to the precinct in order to set all of this up. Bruce knows what's up, but Jess and Lila deny all involvement (note to self: Moon Beach does not have security cameras at night?). Bruce shrugs it off and brings out his newest gimmick- fortune cookies!!!! Ummm, okay.


****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Who writes this crap?!?! A fucking FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE...for reals?!?! Last time I checked, high school kids liked to break into those things and steal the moneys... Only in Sweet Valley, I guess.

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Like Water For Hot Dogs"
SVH puts on a play, Liz and Todd eat some HDs, and SarahLynn makes numerous references to Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. (Don't judge me, I just REALLY like the IFOCE!!!!)

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 3) - "Promotional Rescue"

Intro:
I think I pretty much covered this at the end of my last post...

Recap:
Surprise, surprise, Jess has crashed the Jeep yet again!!! As usual, she needs to come up with $200 to cover the repairs. Yet, she's at the Moon Beach, spending her parents' hard-earned money despite the fact that she eats like 6 meals a day at home, plus snacks. Win suggests that she quit with the gluttony and the bitching about her finances. Actually, he suggests she get a JOB (LOL!!!!), but I liked my version better.

Speaking of people spending money, Bruce's dad has recently bought him the Moon Beach. (Yay, Moon Beach!!! I like it even better now!!!) And thus, Bruce is now Win's BOSS!!!! Which means, Winston = Bruce's slave!!!! (No not THAT kind of slave...dirty, filthy-minded reader!!!!)

Sadly, we must now check in with the Other Side. Liz and Enid are in the billiards room. Enid is absolutely without a doubt the stupidest person on Earth. She thinks that the pool cue chalk is eyeshadow. Dumbass. Liz isn't listening to her incessant babblings, however, she's still moping over -you guessed it!!!- Todd. Cheryl is sick of this shit, so she devises a secret plan to help Liz get over it for good...

Back to Bruce!!!! Bruce is obsessed with turning the MB into a profit machine!!! Jess, also needing some profit, suggests a partnership. Jess wants to throw a bunch of themed parties at the MB, and Bruce agrees to pay her $50 per party. Jess's first action as partner is to suggest firing Winston, and Bruce agrees.

Damnit!!!! That was just getting interesting!!!! Now we're back to the Losers. They're riding in a convertible, and Enid is in the back, screaming like she's never ridden in a car before. I don't think I have ever been THAT excited in my life... You can totally tell Cheryl wants to punch her face in. Enid quits screaming long enough to pull out some car games. She has checkers!!!! And some other lame shit, but Cheryl isn't having it!!!! She tosses Enid's crap out the window, and I now want Cheryl to marry me!!!!

Back at the Moon Beach, Jess has hired Win's replacement. His name is Chad, and he's hot. Of course, he's also an idiot. He gives $25 change for a $10!!!! Jess is throwing a huge party at the MB TONIGHT!!!! This should be good...

NOOOO!!!! We're back to Liz/Cheryl/Eeny!!!! NOOOOO!!!! Enid even makes LIZ seem tolerable, damnit!!!! Cheryl's Big Secret Surprise Plan is camping at Devil's Canyon!!!! Wow, I was hoping for a spa weekend, or even a few days at a nice hotel... WTF, Cheryl/Tatyanna/Whoever the hell you want to be today?

Oh thank god, we're now back at the MB!!! I'm sorry to report that Jess's promo party is failing miserably. Jess was supposed to mail out the invites (damn, how long has Liz been gone?) but instead she put them in the recycling bin, thinking it was a mailbox. Easy enough mistake, I guess!!! Jess promises that next time it will be a million times better, and Bruce tells her that it HAS to be or else his dad is shutting down the MB!!!! Oh shit!!!! Bruce blames Jess for fucking everything up, and I think he's responsible for at least a LITTLE of the blame. He should have known what he was getting into when he hired Jess. Luckily, Jess seems to have like 6 other events planned that same day, and we get a MONTAGE! of this. There's a heavy metal pancake breakfast, and a creepy mime party. Of course, all are epic fails. Looks like the Moon Beach is fucked!!!!

Meanwhile, in the woods, Cheryl has "accidentally" pushed Enid off of a cliff...oh wait, wishful thinking!!!! Instead, Cheryl has built a fire and Liz is clutching a box containing all of Todd's stuff. Cheryl wants her to burn it (like in CLUELESS!!!!!), and Enid is STILL being annoying as hell. You can totally tell that Cheryl wants something really bad to happen to her, and even Liz is slightly annoyed. Liz is scared to burn all of the stuff because she isn't ready to forget Todd yet. (Probably because we still have like 2 1/2 seasons to go!!!!)

Flashing back to the MB yet again, Bruce is still failing. The place is empty as hell, and Jess is wondering why nobody showed up to the fondue party. Suddenly, a large crowd rushes in and demands burgers. They don't want fondue, so Jess and Bruce are SOL, and Jess suggests keeping the MB the way it was. Bruce agrees that it was perfect the way it used to be (like, yesterday!!!! or maybe the day before...) and he begs Jess to help him cook for the customers. Jess has had enough (and also made enough from her failed parties) and she quits, taking hottie Chad with her. Amazingly, we get ANOTHER MONTAGE! Two-for-one!!!! Hells yeah!!! Bruce is working his ass off, and he really sucks at it. The crowd starts to chant and Bruce screams in frustration.

At the camping spot, Enid is STILL babbling. SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! You contribute NOTHING!!!! And I am losing what remains of my sanity listening to you!!!! I wish YOU had been riding with Liz on Jungle Prom Night!!!! Everybody decides to go to sleep, and Liz falls asleep holding a picture of Todd.

I really should have done this episode "A-plot"/"B-plot" style. I hate switching back and forth, and these plots are seemingly parallel!!!! Back at the MB (again, *sigh*) Bruce is cleaning up his mess. Win comes in to collect his final check, and Bruce begs him to come back. And then something amazing happens- the YouTube glitches and skips forward to the very end. Hopefully I didn't miss anything important!!! It doesn't appear so, because the episode ends with everything being resolved somehow. Jess even manages to fix the Jeep, but she lets Chad drive it afterwards and he crashes it AGAIN!!!! I wonder how much Mr. W. pays for car insurance every month?

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce now owns the Moon Beach, and Winston.
*Liz is not over Todd.
*Jess has seriously bad luck with that damn Jeep!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Dark Side of the Moon Beach"...oh, how I LOVE that Moon Beach!!!! Todd shows just how much he's changed. Can anyone save him before it's too late? And Lila learns how to live like the rest of us.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 1) - "Summer Lovin"

Intro:
Well, we survived season one!!!! Apparently, despite season one's timeline ending somewhere around October, we have now arrived at September yet again. Summer is winding down, and the new school year promises to be full of change and new beginnings. There's even a new theme song!!!! (No, not the song itself, just new shots of the characters...and a NEW BRUCE.) I'm not so sure how I feel about this Bruce replacement, but I guess I have to deal with it because the episode is starting...

Recap:
The episode begins with a bunch of people frolicking on the beach. It's the '90's, so there's an abundance of NEON!!!! And those terribly high-waisted, high-cut bikinis are scaring me!!!! Liz is leading some sort of beach cleanup while wearing a bikini that looks like something my grandmother (rest her soul) would wear. I watched this episode last week, and I'm going off notes here. My actual notes say: "Gramma bikini, UGLY, with a skirt for the bottoms", but yet I failed to describe the pattern, so I apologize. She's also changed her hair, and I kind of like what she did with her bangs. Jess is also there, and she's trying to force Liz into having some fun. I did think Jess's bikini was important enough to describe, apparently. It's a red and white gingham print with shorts for the bottom. I remember when those style bottoms were popular, I had like 12 different halter top/shirts bathing suits!!!! Those were awesome, but I prefer monokinis these days. Anyways, Jess is trying to convince Liz to be on her team for the Beach Olympics. Liz isn't as excited as Jess, because Bruce always wins and she and Jess always get 10th place.

I really am having trouble accepting this New Bruce. He's not half as hot as last season's B-Patz!!!! *Sigh*

Liz takes a break from her beach cleaning and reads an issue of Seventeen with Enid. (NOOOO!!!) I really can't picture Liz reading that trash -let alone taking a LOVE QUIZ- so I'm going to guess that Seventeen is the newest sponsor of this fine show. Welcome aboard, Seventeen!!! Winston comes running up to them, practically about to explode with happiness, and announces that Todd is back!!!! Liz didn't even know he was coming (he forgot to call...uh-oh) and she's shocked when he shows up to the beach party.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila are drooling over the "hot" new lifeguard, Josh. Joshy-Boy just so happens to be the judge of the Beach Olympics, so Jess and Li are working their magic. "Bruce" pops up and tells Jess that she'll be losing the Beach Olympics (which I REALLY wish I could abbreviate, but "B.O."...no). Bruce is kind of flirting with Jess, and she's kind of flirting back. I wonder what this season has in store...

The Beach Olympics begin, and we get the first MONTAGE! of season two!!!! Jess helps her team win by cheating, and she seems oddly obsessed with what Bruce is doing. I wish they would just hurry up and makeout. In the midst of the Beach Olympics, Todd and Liz find time to talk. (Todd also has a new hairstyle, and he's still ugly.) Todd is moving back to Sweet Valley!!!! But he won't tell Liz why, and she thinks he's acting shady.

Bruce and Jess continue to bicker re. the Beach Olympics. (Yes, I said "bicker"!!!!) There's an obstacle course event coming up, and Bruce is sure he's going to win. Lila comes in and yells at Jess because she got sunburned using Jess's sunblock, which was only SPF 2. None of that was really necessary to the story, but the next few minutes are really lame, so I was just trying to spice up this recap with a little gratuitous Bruce and Lila action.

Now on to the lameness...Liz is back to hanging out with Enid. Stupid Eeny is bubbling in her annoying little voice about how nice it must be to have a boyfriend, and how she wants one (what happened to the Teen HelpLine guy?) and I really wish I could punch her for being such a squeaky little pest. Liz whines about how weird Todd has been acting lately, and how he's changed. In the midst of all this, Winston and Manny are sitting together. Manny appears to have some weird vision problems in this episode because everything gets all fuzzy and changes into random stuff...this time, the world becomes Gilligan's Island. I have no idea what they were trying to do here...doesn't make sense at all.

Moving on, Jess cheats her way to Beach Olympics victory, but her happiness is short-lived. Josh the lifeguard knows that both she and Bruce cheated, so he declares them both losers. Karma is a bitch, I guess. Liz is still moping about Todd, so she goes and tries to talk to him. She finds out that he only came back to Sweet Valley because he got kicked out of Fairmont Academy. What? Why? When? DETAILS!!!!! Sadly, that's all we get, except for the fact that Todd is now a high school dropout. Oh shit!!!!

Back at the beach party, Josh the lifeguard is giving Lila a foot rub. Ummm...okay, if you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Jess and Bruce are sitting by the bonfire and STILL fighting. Jess suddenly kisses him and they're both taken aback by it. Jess quickly says that it will never happen again, because she hates him. Ok then, thanks for saving me from that foot rub nastiness!!!

Liz and Todd are STILL talking. Todd is upset that he blew his chance. And, since he's no longer Todd the basketball superstar, he has no idea who he is or what he's doing with his life. (Dude, you're like 17...talk to me when you're 25.) Liz tries to understand what he's going through, but he isn't up for dealing with her meddling efforts, so he dumps her ass!!!! Sweet!!!! I bet she wishes she'd hooked up with Nicholas while he was gone. Liz joins Jess beside the fire and the two share a sisterly moment. Together, they can conquer the world AND the new school year!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce and Jess have some repressed sexual tensions between them...
*Todd came back. He's a loser now.
*Enid still pisses me off, and I think this episode was trying to tell me that Manny may be interested in her. I have no clue why he would be.
*I hate the new Bruce. Where did the old one go?
*Why did Todd get kicked out of school? My guess is that it was because he actually sucked at basketball, and nobody noticed because everybody in Sweet Valley sucked as well, but when he got to Vermont it became obvious...