SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 9) - "Blunder Alley"

Intro:
I hope everybody enjoyed Chapter One of Freshman Year!!! I have more typed up and ready to go, but my time is limited tonight due to Game One of the NBA Finals, watching a Twins game, AND a friend of mine being on America's Got Talent, so I'm just going to do a quick TV recap...

Today's episode is called "Blunder Alley", and that title totally reminds me of this show I used to watch on TV as a kid. I think the show was called "Thunder Alley", but that's close enough. Haley Joel Osment (from the 6th Sense, duh) was on that show, if I recall correctly. I really doubt that has anything to do with this SVH episode, but it makes a good random trivia question, and -admit it- you just learned something new!!! You can thank me later.

Recap:
Today's story begins at the Moon Beach (yay, Moon Beach!!!!). As you will remember, the scary new Bruce's daddy has recently purchased the MB so Bruce can get some work experience...or something. It appears Brucey has bought one of those fortune telling machines that has the creepy puppet lady inside. Those things freak me out SO bad!!!! And they remind me of the Riddler in Batman Forever...SCARY STUFF!!!!

In typical Sweet Valley fashion, everybody acts like this is the greatest thing ever!!!! Everybody flocks to the machine and starts pumping money into it in exchange for their paper fortunes. Damn, these kids REALLY need to get out more. Jess and Lila agree with me, of course, and they laugh at how stupid everybody else is. Winston pays for his fortune and gets a blank paper, but we already knew that was coming!!! Enid (ugh) also gets a fortune- she will soon get many gifts. Her stupid ass is all excited because her aunt is coming (LOL @ my notes, "Aunt coming- Flo or Rose?" Sorry for that, I can be immature sometimes!!!!) and said aunt always brings lots of gifts for her favorite niece. Blah, I'm going to go bash my head against the wall for awhile, call me when she's gone!!!!

Bruce (if you could even call him that...I really would have felt better had they just 86'ed Bruce's character and went with a new character instead of a replacement...Oh, Brock Burnett, how you have failed me!!!!) overhears Li and Jess's convo, and he gives them a free fortune, just for fun. Li's fortune warns of her impending doom, and Jess's says everything she loves will be destroyed. (Wait, Jess loves Liz, right?!?! This could be good!!!!) Jess and Li laugh off their predictions and go on about their day like any normal person would.

Meanwhile, guess who's back to his brooding in the billiards room?! No, not Mr. Body from 'CLUE'....TODD WILKINS!!!! Todd is currently hating on some new guy who's dating Liz, I guess. His name is Zack and he's wearing a t-shirt that he got on a trip to Kenya. Bruce strikes up a conversation with this dude because he's apparently also been to Kenya (yet another reason why I detest this new Bruce, he's just too...worldly for me!!!!). Bruce and Zack hit it off in a totally non-gay, Bromantic-type of way, and Todd sulks about it. Zack reveals that he is actually the subject of one of Liz's articles for the Oracle, but Todd still assumes the worst. Liz interviews Zack, and Todd's suspicions are confirmed when the interview concludes with Zack asking Liz out on a date.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila seems to be having some very bad luck. On the way to the Moon Beach (wait, didn't they just leave the MB? Why are they going back?) they get splashed by a passing semi. (Being splashed is still better than being SQUASHED, you whiny little brats!!!!!) I guess that ties in with the fortunes they got earlier. (Jess loves her clothes, and they were destroyed by the splash, and being out in public looking dirty is probably Li's idea of social doom-ination!!!!) Jess and Li decide that, in order to reverse this sudden onset of bad luck, they need to get new, better fortunes. They feed the scary machine some $$$, and it spits out a couple fortunes. Li's says she will be burned, and Jess's says she will be spurned by a man with a red horse. Uh oh... Sure enough, Jess's date for the evening cancels (he drives a red Mustang, coincidentally!!!!) and Lila's hair gets fried in a freak styling accident (OMG, that's my worst fear, really!!!!). Jess and Li, being the super geniuses that they are, keep buying fortunes, hoping for a positive one. They also stock up on a bunch of lucky charms (rabbit feet and such, not the cereal) to ward off the bad luck. (Editorial comment: Ha, these two have NO IDEA what bad luck really is!!!!! Seriously!!!!) They return to the MB yet again, only to discover that bruce is cashing in and making hella bank off of their fortune teller addiction. Fortunes now cost FIVE dollars, and everybody is STILL buying them!!!! Except for my girl Cheryl, she's smart and knows it's all BS!!!!

Back to LameLand, Liz goes on her date with Zack. He's some sort of rainforest freak and he keeps babbling about conservation and nearly boring me to death. They end up at a bowling alley (ahhhh, that explains the title of the episode...I wonder what this "blunder" is going to be...) and -conveniently- Todd shows up with a date!!!! This new girl is a total Liz clone, and I am currently praying very hard that this girl is MARGO in a surprise cameo, that would be quite the blunder!!!! Sadly, they don't tell us her name (so I am going to go ahead and assume that this is Margo!!!!), and Liz is pissed that Todd showed up with this ho. She accuses him of trying to wreck her date with Zack, and this leads to an impromptu bowling showdown/MONTAGE! Liz and Todd both try to sabotage each other, and I wish they would both just get over themselves already. Dude, you're going to marry Jess, so just end this bullshit right now and spare me some misery!!!! (SPARE me, get it?!? Bowling.)

Luckily, I am spared (for the moment) as we travel back to the Moon Beach. People are still going all crazy over the $5 fortunes. It seems that everybody (with a few exceptions) is getting very good fortunes that immediately come true. Winston's are still blank, of course. Jess comes in on crutches because she tripped on a HORSESHOE during the commercial break. Oh, the irony!!! (Ooops, I did it again, "IRON"-y, horseshoe...) Lila gets so pissed off about all of this bad luck that she actually STRANGLES Enid (yes!!!! Love love LOVE Lila!!!!) for her good fortune. And my notes say "Manny=Puppy" for some reason...maybe because he follows Eeny around like one, or perhaps he recently acquired one as a pet? I may never know...or care, for that matter!!! Bruce makes fun of Jess and Li's craziness, and this leads us to...THE OBLIGATORY REVENGE SCENARIO FOR THIS EPISODE!!!! Jess begins to formulate a plan, which will be revealed to us at a later time...

Back at the bowling alley, Liz and Todd's tensions are boiling over. They fight some more, and then realize that their dates have left. TOGETHER!!!! Ha, way to go, Zack!!!! No wonder we will never see Zack again, going off alone with someone who is most likely MARGO!!!!! Either way, this leads Liz and Todd to realize how stupid they are being. Todd accidentally admits that he is still in love with Liz and they start to reminisce about their relationship. I think they're going to get back together pretty soon. Damn, I like Bad Todd!!!! (RIP, T-Wilk!!!!)

Of course, we still have to wrap up the other plot (A-Plot? B-Plot? I have no idea which is which, hence the combined-plot, switch back-and-forth recap) so we again travel to the Moon Beach. It's closed for the evening, but that will not stop Jess and Li from getting their revenge (on what/who? Bruce, for laughing at them? Or the fortune teller, for giving them sucky fortunes?). Jess still has a copy of the MB keys from that episode where she worked with Bruce, so they easily sneak inside and attack the fortune machine. Well, "attack" is too strong a word (I just want it to be more interesting, dammit!!!), they merely open it up and put fortunes that they made inside it.

The following day, people again flock to the fortune teller. Jess and Li's fortunes are actually coupons for free food at the MB!!!! (Oh, so they were getting revenge on Bruce for taking everybody's money! IDK anymore...and I don't think I care either.) The police bust in and demand to see a permit for the machine (?). Of course, Bruce didn't get one, and he complains to the police about someone putting the coupons in the fortune teller. The cops basically laugh at him and demand that he honor all of the coupons. Lila, sneaky as she is, donated a cappuccino machine to the precinct in order to set all of this up. Bruce knows what's up, but Jess and Lila deny all involvement (note to self: Moon Beach does not have security cameras at night?). Bruce shrugs it off and brings out his newest gimmick- fortune cookies!!!! Ummm, okay.


****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Who writes this crap?!?! A fucking FORTUNE TELLING MACHINE...for reals?!?! Last time I checked, high school kids liked to break into those things and steal the moneys... Only in Sweet Valley, I guess.

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Like Water For Hot Dogs"
SVH puts on a play, Liz and Todd eat some HDs, and SarahLynn makes numerous references to Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi. (Don't judge me, I just REALLY like the IFOCE!!!!)

Better Late Than Never... Freshman Year #2

After much ado, I have finally gotten around to this!!! (I still have my Winston story as well, I just need to get this one out of the way first.) I have to admit that I haven't gotten around to finishing this yet, but I'll keep working as I go along...

Chapter One
"A little higher, Steven," Elizabeth Wakefield shouted to her brother. Steven raised the banner he was holding, nearly falling off the ladder as he did so. Steven quickly steadied himself as he climbed down to admire his handiwork. The large purple and powder blue banner was now hung perfectly above the Wakefield's front door. "Welcome home, Jessica and Robin," Elizabeth stepped back as and read the banner aloud.

Robin, Elizabeth and Steven's cousin, was flying to Sweet Valley from Washington DC that afternoon. Her parents, both professors, were given a teaching assignment in Australia, so Robin was coming to stay with the Wakefields.

Jessica, Elizabeth's identical twin sister, had been in the hospital for the past three days. After a fight with Elizabeth, Jessica had gone out for a walk and been struck by a drunk driver. Her left ankle was shattered in the collision, and Elizabeth still felt guilty about it. In the days following Jessica's accident, Elizabeth had hardly left Jessica's side. Elizabeth had even slept at the hospital. Jessica, of course, had soaked up all of the attention. The doctor had not allowed Jessica to have visitors, so Elizabeth had decided to throw her a welcome home party, and it seemed to be the perfect excuse to introduce Robin to all of their friends. As they walked into the den, Steven and Elizabeth marveled at all of the get well gifts Jessica had received.

It seemed that every student at Sweet Valley High had wanted to wish Jessica a speedy recovery, and most of them had sent gifts as well. There were also tables full of flowers, and a large box of get well cards. The entire sofa was full of various teddy bears, and a large stuffed unicorn currently occupied Mr. Wakefield's favorite recliner. "Get Well Soon!" Elizabeth read the card on the unicorn, "We'll be cheering for you!" Steven didn't even bother to ask who the unicorn was from, they both knew that the Sweet Valley High cheerleading squad had delivered it personally the day before. "When did the doctor say Jess could go back to cheering?" Steven asked, helping himself to a bowl of chips that Elizabeth had set out for the guests who were due to arrive any minute.

"Next semester, at the earliest," Elizabeth replied, feeling a twinge of sadness. Jessica had been chosen for the Varsity cheer squad after a summer of complete dedication and hard work. Jess had never worked so hard for anything in her entire life, and it had all been ruined for her on the first day of school. A disastrous first performance had led to Jessica having a very embarrassing moment in front of the entire school. Jess had been very upset by all of this, but Elizabeth had cheered her up while she was in the hospital, and being hit by a car had actually made Jessica more popular than ever. Jessica was also very excited about Robin's visit, and she appreciated the chance to spend time with her cousin and sister.

"At least we finally get to spend some time with her," Steven said as he fluffed one of the couch pillows, "Even though she'll probably be expecting us to wait on her hand and foot." Elizabeth laughed along with him, but she also knew that he was fully serious. Jessica liked attention, and this was the perfect excuse for her to take advantage of a situation. It had been Jessica, in fact, who insisted that Elizabeth continue to plan Robin's welcoming party. Jessica would be on crutches for weeks, and she was going to be sleeping in the den until her cast came off, but she had insisted that a party for Robin was absolutely necessary.

Elizabeth had spent the entire afternoon cleaning the house. She had even tidied up Jessica's room so that Robin could sleep there. Elizabeth also set up a temporary bedroom in the den for Jessica, and Steven pitched in by hauling boxes of Jessica's possessions downstairs. "I've never seen Jess's room look so clean," Steven remarked as he packed up some of Jessica's bathroom necessities, "And yours is so...messy."

Elizabeth sighed as Steven went back downstairs. She though of all the reasons why she hadn't had time to clean her own room. In addition to recently starting high school, she had been hard at work repairing her relationship with Jessica. They had drifted apart over the summer, especially after Elizabeth had began dating Bruce Patman, a rich, popular, Sophomore. Elizabeth felt sad as she remembered how, only three days earlier, she had lost her virginity to Bruce. This had led to the twins having their worst fight ever. Jessica had left, and she had gotten lost as a terrible storm swept through Sweet Valley. Elizabeth still blamed herself for Jessica being hurt, but she quickly pushed that out of her head and prepared for what was sure to be an incredible party.

The doorbell rang, making Elizabeth jump. Steven answered it while Elizabeth ran downstairs and quickly set out a few bowls of chips on the food table. She had spent hours decorating the house, and she had spared no expense on the food, per Jessica's request. She had ordered twenty pizzas and made three different salads in addition to a variety of chips and pretzels, plus pigs in a blanket and baskets of steaming-hot garlic cheese bread. A four-tier cake sat on its own table beside all of this. Lila Fowler had donated it because, even though Jessica had been an embarrassment to her on the first day of school, Lila considered Jessica to be her best friend. Janet Howell, Lila's cousin and captain of the Varsity cheer squad, was first to arrive. She, too, had brought a gift for Jessica.

"Since we just won the regional competition, I'm in a forgiving mood," Janet announced as she strode confidently into the den. She grandly laid the gold medal she was carrying in the center of the gift table. "I decided that Jessica gets a medal, too," Janet explained, "I know she won't be cheering again anytime soon, lucky for me. But she is still a member of this squad." Janet forced an awkward smile and Elizabeth stifled a laugh.

"Janet takes everything so seriously," Elizabeth thought, trying hard not to stare at Janet's still-swollen nose. Jessica swore that it had been an accident, but Elizabeth secretly thought that Janet had deserved the embarrassment of being injured in front of the entire school. Luckily, more guests began to arrive and Elizabeth was spared from any further conversation with Janet.

****

Robin's mouth dropped open in awe as Mr. Wakefield pulled into the driveway of the split-level rambler that would be her home for the next several months. Cars lined the brightly-lit driveway, and much of the street beyond. Balloons, streamers, and lights covered everything in sights and music blared from the backyard over the sound of splashing in the pool. "Surprise!" Mr. Wakefield called, pulling Robin's large suitcase out of the trunk, "Welcome home!" Robin was blown away as she entered the house. Elizabeth ran up to her and hugged her hard while Steven helped Mr. Wakefield carry in the massive suitcase.

"You threw me a party?!" Robin shouted over the music. "Sweet Valley loves any excuse to celebrate," Elizabeth said with a smile, "Plus, Jess came home today." Elizabeth quickly led Robin into the den. Jessica and Mrs. Wakefield were seated on the sofa in the den, surrounded by friends. Jessica was in the middle of telling her side of the accident story to Winston Egbert, Ellen Riteman, Mandy Miller, Sarah Thomas, and Patrick Morris, but Jessica stopped midsentence when Robin entered the room. Jessica tried to stand up and run to Robin, but her mother quickly stopped her.

"Take it easy," Mrs. Wakefield reminded Jessica as Robin jumped onto the sofa beside her cousin. "Dr. John's orders," Elizabeth said with a smile, knowing all about Jessica's crush on the attractive young doctor. Jessica smiled back and hugged Robin as hard as she could. Jessica quickly introduced Robin to everyone and Winston could merely stare in awe. "Triplets!" Winston choked out after a long silence, pretending to die from happiness. Jessica and Robin laughed and ELizabeth soon joined in.

Robin looked over at her happy, smiling cousins and felt a twinge of sadness. Elizabeth and Jessica had everything- great parents, a nice home, and tons of friends. Robin held back tears as she was reminded of how she once had all of that, too...

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 8) - "It's My Party and I'll Ditch It If I Want To"

Intro:
Happy Memorial Day weekend everybody!!! Sadly, this is one of the busiest retail weekends of the year, so I am being forced to spend much of it at work. Have fun for me, please!!! In honor of the parties I'm missing, I feel that today's recap is appropriate. It's time for the Wakefield's annual slumber party!!!

Recap:
Like I said before, it's slumber party time!!!! Yay!!!! Liz is already hard at work planning the festivities...so far, all she has planned is a rousing game of Truth or Dare. Since this is Sweet Valley, you just know that's going to be super-lame regardless. Jess agrees with me that Liz is a sucky party planner, so she takes over as the "idea person" and basically makes Liz and Enid (oh, she's coming?!? Now I don't feel bad that those bitches forgot to invite me...) do all of the manual labor. Jess's main task is making sure that the party is perfectly set-up so that the football team can raid it. Sadly, they have to decline her offer because they have a road game...so Winston and Manny decide to seize the opportunity. They assemble a team of dorky nerds and devise a strategy. (Of course, it's super-nerdy lame and it's basically just them running into the house and assaulting the girls with water balloons.)

At school, Lila complains about how immature a sleepover is (hey now, I had a sleepover last week, Lila, and that attitude is exactly why I did not invite YOU!!!!) and Jess basically agrees, but it's a TRADITION (that I do not recall them ever having before or after this episode). Cheryl is super excited about the idea, and that's enough to make Lila change her mind. I guess she's still trying to gain Cheryl's friendship? The ugly new Bruce saunters up and asks Jess out on a date. (Yay!!!) The only problem- he wants her to be his dinner date (along with his cousin and said cousin's friends from Harvard!!!) the same night as the slumber party!!! Jess doesn't want to admit her lameness to Bruce, so she tries to lie and say she has cooler plans. Enid spoils this by running up and gushing about a box of -wait for it- DRESS UP CLOTHES that she's bringing to the party!!! Yes, DRESS UP!!!! (I will now admit that I STILL have my Barbie collection, but I gave up dress up when I was about 12... Despite my reading never really progressing beyond these SV books, I think Enid is just too over-the-top!!!!) Bruce is as unimpressed as I am, and I think Jess wants to slap Enid for being so stupid.

After school, Liz goes to the Moon Beach and bitches about how Jess is so not helping. Jess is sick of Liz acting like a slumber party Nazi, so she finally cracks and tells Liz that the party is a stupid, childish idea. Liz tells her to get over herself and grow up. (Wait, whose BFF is running around with the box of dress up clothes, Elizabeth?!?!) With Jess out of the picture, Liz and Enid go back to planning the lamest party ever. In addition to the classic Truth or Dare, Liz and Enid decide on charades, scary movies, a pillow fight (sweet!!!), roasting marshmallows, and board games!!!! (Hmmm...dinner with sexy rich Bruce vs. CandyLand with lame stupid whiny Eeny Rollins...I pick BRUCE!!!!!)

The night of the party arrives and Jess gets all sexied up in her little black dress. Liz is super sad that Jess is bailing on them, but she doesn't let that spoil her fun. MONTAGE! The nerds begin their plan of attack and the sleepover friends play a crazy game of Twister. Lila and Cheryl put foil all over Enid's head (I think she's getting highlights, but that is SO not the way to do them!!!! I went to cosmetology school, so this makes me shudder) and the nerds continue to fail with their raid. The girls play some charades and Enid is an absolute idiot. She keeps yelling out random, annoying shit and I begin to wonder why she doesn't go to a "special" school... This is super boring!!!! I wonder what Jess is doing...

Jess, meanwhile, is out with Bruce and his Harvard friends. Bruce's friends are all super smart, and they make fun of Jess for being...well, for being JESS, I guess. The worst part is that none of them can drink with their meal because Jess is under 21 and doesn't have a fake ID. Maybe they should have gone to Kelly's Roadhouse... Jess tries hard to fit in, but she just ends up making herself look stupid. Bruce doesn't help matters by announcing that Jess bailed on a slumber party to go to dinner. Kind of a dick move there, you damn Bruce impostor!!!! Everybody laughs at Jess and she wants to disappear.

Back in LameLand, the nerds continue to suck at raiding the party. They set off a smoke bomb, but it fails. Inside, their schemes go unnoticed and all the girls settle down to play some Truth or Dare. It's lame, just like I said, but Liz DOES admit that she would choose Mr. Collins if she had to be stranded on a deserted island with a teacher. (Seriously... 1) Ewww, and 2) Could they be any more unoriginal?!?!) Lila spices it up by asking Enid (of all people) how far she went with some guy... (Obviously, Li is referring to SEX!!!!) Enid is an idiot, so she responds with "To the mall..." Dumbass, but it's likely true!!!! Outside, Winston has become desperate to get inside the house. He raises a ladder and tries to enter through a second floor window, but the ladder falls and Win is forced to grab onto the balcony (????When did they build that????) and climb up. He tries to open the door, but it's locked from the inside and now Win is stuck!!!! Downstairs, nobody hears him screaming for help. Lila is bitching about how lame this is (and I am beginning to agree with her...I went to cooler parties in like 6th grade!!!!) and Cheryl is sick of it (because, you know, she never got to be a teenager what with all the modeling and traveling) so she dares Lila to run down the street to the mailbox- wearing only a towel!!!! Li is up for the challenge!!!!

Back to the cool kids, Bruce is also getting bored by his stuffy, boring Harvard friends. He whispers to Jess that he would like to leave and she readily agrees. They go back to Jess's and arrive right as the nerds are rushing in the front door to raid. Lila runs in as well and heads right upstairs. She sees Win on the balcony (in war paint for the raid) and screams in horror because he looks like a creeper. Somebody has taken Enid's Barry Manilow (who?) CDs... But nobody cares because Jess is raving about how fun and sophisticated her evening was. Bruce promptly busts her out, saying that he knows she had a terrible time. Jess is forced to admit the truth and apologize to Liz. Everybody starts dancing after that, and Enid and Manny dance together...


****The SarahLynn Summary****
*I thought MY weekends were boring!!!! Thank god I didn't grow up in Sweet Valley!!!!
*And Enid is totally that girl at the sleepover that falls asleep like 3 hours before everybody else and ends up with her bra frozen, or her hand in warm water, or the shaving cream/feather trick...

Next Time on SVH TV:
Bruce buys a fortune teller, Jess and Lila learn about Karma, and Todd is back to being an ass!!!! The best part- almost everything happens at the Moon Beach!!!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 7) - "A Fair To Remember"

Intro:
In the midst of working a full week straight -plus babysitting after work!!!!- I finally have a spare moment and I have chosen to spend it recapping some quality TV for you...

Recap:
It's winter in Sweet Valley...again. (Wait, the first day of school was only like 6 episodes ago!!!) SVH is holding their annual Winter Carnival, and Jess is drooling over this episode's love interest, Dave Porter. (Any relation to Julie?) Alas, Dave has been dating some ho named Claire for 2 years now, so it seems Jess is SOL. Poor Jess hasn't had a date in TWO DAYS!!!! OMG.

Sadly, the A-Plot and B-Plot are intertwined today. We cut to Todd after Liz scolds Jess for being a boyfriend-stealing whore. Todd is in good spirits (damn, I miss Bad Todd!!!) because he's now back on the basketball team!!! Unfortunately, Todd is only a bench player (for you non-sports people, bench player = not a star...), but the coach tells him to keep working on his game. Coach also introduces Todd to his new teammate (who just happens to be the coach's nephew). New dude is named Jason, BTW. Jason works fast!!!! He meets Liz right away and promptly hits on her. Todd is none-too-happy about this, and he's even angrier when he learns Jason is a starter on the basketball team!!!

As interesting as all of that is, we must now take the obligatory trip to LoserLand. Winston is reading a magic book and babbling about the show he's going to put on. (Last time I checked, high school kids weren't into magic shows!!!) Win is now WINDINI, master magician. (Speaking of magic, you know who's sexy as hell? David Blaine...) Oh, and Enid (eww) and Manny (yay!!!) are working at the Carnival too. They're running a cotton candy stand and Enid is an absolute idiot. She tries to make cotton candy and ends up with a large beehive-style mass of it on her stupid little head. Loser.

After the Carnival, Liz and Jess (plus Manny and Enid) go to the Moon Beach. Jess is all kinds of upset because she still has no date. Speaking of upset, Todd storms in and tries to warm Liz about Jason. Todd says he's a "total scammer" (wow, he's known dude for like 5 minutes and he's already talking shit...I like Bad Todd!!!!) and he warns Liz to stay away from Jason. (I wish I'd recapped this episode a few weeks ago on Friday the 13th, I could have made SO many Jason jokes!!!) Liz thinks that Todd is just being his usual jealous self, so she ignores him and goes out with Jason despite Todd's warning.

Liz has lots of fun with Jason on their date. He tells her how special and spontaneous she is (uh-huh, I think he's just trying to get in her pants) and they end the evening with a kiss. Todd is lurking in the bushes, and he jumps out waving a machete. He slices Jason up with the machete, but suddenly Jason's body magically regenerates itself... Oh wait, I think everything after the kiss was actually part of a Friday the 13th movie!!! Just seeing who's paying attention!!! (In actuality, the scene ends with the kiss.)

Back at the Winter Carnival sometime later, Jason is proving himself to be a major player. He's hitting on everything in a skirt, and Todd is observing all of this with his mouth curled in disgust. He does not approve, I guess. He shares his thoughts with Jason, and Jason simply laughs it off. (Play on, playa!!!!) As he saunters away, Jason drops his "little black book" (LOL, life before cell phones!!!!) and fails to notice.

Todd, however, does notice. He scoops up said LBB and shows it to Liz as proof of what a douche Jason is. Dude keeps track of how hot girls are using a star rating system (ie. Enid- 0 stars, Liz- 1 star, Jess- 50 million stars) and it totally reminds me of the movie 'Carrie 2: The Rage'. Dude, this could end VERY badly... But, much to Todd's shock and dismay, Liz doesn't seem to care.

Jess is still depressed over her lack of dates. She goes to the Moon Beach hoping to find Mr. Right and meets Jason for the first time. He introduces himself as Cliff and asks her out. She's desperate (and he's a PLAYER!!!!) so she agrees to a date on Friday night. Jason already has a date with Liz on Saturday, and he brags about all of this to Todd. Of course, Todd tells Liz but she refuses to believe him. Todd needs to stop Jason, so he tries to come up with a plan...

Todd's plan involves telling Jason that Jess wants to go out on Saturday night instead. He switches the dates, and we get a MONTAGE! We get to see Jason on his dates, and some random Enid and Manny, plus some of Win's stupid ass magic show.

After the weekend, Liz is still gushing over Jason. She thinks that Todd has been very rude and judgmental lately, and Jason is just what she needs to get over his mopey ass. She tells Jess all the boring details- like how Jason always brings her wild flowers- and asks Jess about her new guy. Jess gushes over how not-like-Jason Cliff is. He's not all sappy and romantic and shit, and NO flowers. (Because we all know Jess is the type of girl that doesn't expect such things. He probably takes her straight to Miller's Point...or maybe the beach.) Liz suggests that they double date sometime (I'm sure Jason/Cliff wouldn't mind that!!!) and Jess laughs in her face.

"Cliff" and Jess go out on their date and Liz sees them together. Of course, she's heartbroken. Jess figures the whole thing out when Jason brings her wild flowers. Oh shit!!!! Liz is livid when Jess gets home because she thinks that Jess knew the entire time. Todd barges in (without knocking...I'm pretty sure it's considered the polite thing to do when you arrive at your ex girlfriend's house. Plus, Todd is a THIEF, so I can't believe Liz still leaves that kitchen door unlocked for him...) Todd takes Jess's side (of course he does, I'm seeing SO much evidence pointing towards their future together) and says that Jess is a victim too, just like Liz. Wakefield twins got played, bottom line. Luckily, Todd still has Jason's book of girls AND a revenge plan!!!!

The revenge plan goes into effect at Winston's magic show. The crowd is huge, and there's an entire table full of pies (which NOBODY has offered to share with me...these kids have ZERO manners!!!). Winston gets Jason to volunteer to be part of the act, and he locks him in stocks. (Off with his head!!!! That'll learn him!!!!) While Jason is securely stocked (?), Liz and Jess pull out his Black Book and start to read from it. It seems like every girl in school is in said book, and they all join Liz and Jess on stage. (Shit, even fucking ENID is one of the girls...dude must be crawling with VD if he's sinking THAT low...) Every girl takes a turn slamming a pie into Jason's face, and suddenly the basketball coach shows up. Todd thinks Coach will stop the pie-ing, but he simply tells Todd that Liz called him and told him all about Jason's Black Book and slutty ways. Coach thinks it isn't cool, so he hands Todd a pie and tells him to take a shot!!! He also tells Todd that he may end up being a starter on the team after all.


****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Dating twins would be awesome, I won't lie!!!! Jason is a PIMP!!! I'm more than a little jealous.
*Winston will never be half as good as David Blaine. Actually, no man will(not even BRUCE)!!!!
*Speaking of Bruce, I feel like I haven't seen him in forever... He must be busy running the Moon Beach or something.
*A pie in the face is ALWAYS funny. Always.

Next Time on SVH TV:
Liz and Jess have a slumber party. Jess goes out with Bruce (!!!!) and the nerds get their revenge (sort of).

Good afternoon, World!!!!
It's Friday (Friday, gotta get down on Friday!!!) and I'm feeling lazy today so I probably won't get back to recapping SVH season 2 until after the weekend. Unless, of course, the world IS actually ending tomorrow. In which case, that will probably get me out of having to work all weekend, so then I'd have more free time... Of course, it wouldn't even matter because we'd all be gone!!!
And, BTW, I just looked at my blog stats and I noticed that I've reached 1200 page views!!! WOW. I never thought that anybody would read this!!!! I'm thrilled that people actually do, so thank you very much!!!!
Love Forever,
SarahLynn

And PS- whoever Googled "Cock cheating wife husband 'very jealous'" and found my blog instead, I hope I was able to help!!! Or maybe not... Either way, you win the prize for Most Random.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 6) - "False Possessions"

Intro:
Enid is REALLY stupid in this episode, so get ready to suffer along with me!!!! I bet I can make your suffering a little more fun, if nothing else!!!! :)

Recap:
We open with Liz learning all about football. No, she's not joining Sweet Valley's Lingerie Football League team, she's writing an article for the Oracle. It seems to me that this is a rather broad subject...like, don't they have a SPORTS writer? Why would the editor/gossip columnist be writing this? I'm already confused. Luckily, Jess is there to explain how football works...sort of. She explains it using shopping comparisons, and I love her for that. Finally, football makes sense to me!!!! (Hey, I'm a basketball girl for life, no time for any other sports!!!! Although I did cheer for football when I was a freshman.) Jess informs Liz that Lila will be staying with them while her house is being fumigated. Lila arrives immediately after Jess says this, and she's come prepared. She has an entire set of Louis Vuitton luggage!!!!

Liz escapes the madness of Jess and Lila's slumber party by going to the Moon Beach with Enid. Enid whines in her annoying little squeak-voice about how she wants a boyfriend. Enid sees Todd sitting all by himself and she goes to annoy him. Liz doesn't follow, she's probably just appreciating the quiet. Enid talks to Todd about how she used to dance ballet until the teacher told her to stop. HAHAHA!!!! It's totally random and it makes no sense, but that was a pretty funny mental image nonetheless.

Back at Casa Wakefield, Lila has made herself very at home. She's already taken over Jess's bed, as well as the closet. Lila also seems to be a little jealous of Liz and Jess's relationship...you know, since her dad kinda sucks and she has nobody else. Awww.

Later, Enid asks Liz if Todd is free to date other people, since Liz is so obviously over him. She also asks Manny about it, and Manny believes that Enid is interested in him and he tells her to go ahead and ask the guy out, because chances are he's into her as well. I can already see where this is going...

Back to interesting people, Lila has returned from a shopping trip with loads of gifts for her reluctant hostesses. She then asks if she can stay until her house is done being painted. Wait- I thought it was FUMIGATED?!?! I think Lila is up to something!!!!

Enid goes and annoys Todd some more. He lets her, because he's in a good mood today. Apparently, he spoke to the basketball coach and he is being allowed to try out again!!!! They go out to celebrate.

While all of this crap is melting my brain, Jess and Li are shopping!!!! Jess is shocked to learn that Lila's newest activity is SHOPLIFTING!!!! OMG!!!! She pulls a Liz and starts to interrogate Li, and Li explains that she does it for the rush, and somehow this convinces Jess to join in. Back at home, Liz is suspicious when she sees all of Jess and Li's new stuff, but she has to go watch ESPN for her article so she lets it go.

Back in LameLand, Enid is avoiding Liz. She has plans with Todd, and Liz is quite upset when she finds out about this. Enid goes on her "date", totally thinking Todd is into her. They talk about their feelings, and Enid tells him that he should share more. Somehow, Enid takes this as an invitation to kiss him. She does this and feels like an absolute idiot when he tells he he was talking about LIZ -and not Enid's stupid ass!!!! (See, I knew I loved new Todd, even if he is turning into a pussy again!!!)

Back at the mall, Jess and Lila are continuing their shoplifting spree. They're very blatant about it, so it's no wonder that they get caught. Security interrogate them and Lila offers to pay for everything. Sadly, it's too late and security calls their parents. (LOL, like THAT accomplished anything!!! Lila's dad is probably out of the coutry, and I'm pretty sure Jess and Liz are the results of some cloning/test tube birth experiment...) Jess blames Lila for everything, and Li finally breaks down. Li was doing it all for attention, because her dad has been too busy with his new girlfriend to even notice Lila. Jess is shocked because she thought Lila's dad was away on business, and she quickly makes Lila feel better about things. I guess some of Liz's ability to solve a problem before the commercial break is genetic.

After seeing stupid Enid and Todd together, Liz goes home and cries about it. Enid finds her and sets her straight. Todd loves Liz, duh. Liz is still mad at Todd for his recent douchebag-ness, but she quickly forgives Enid and reassures her that there is someone out there for Enid. This comes true later that night after Enid goes home. Manny randomly shows up on her doorstep as she's getting ready for bed. He hugs her and runs away, and even I think Manny was sort of cute for that, even if it WAS Enid.

(Hey, whatever happened to the obligatory REVENGE scheme in every episode? And where was the MONTAGE? Did I miss something?) As punishment for their shoplifting, Jess and Li are forced to work at some place called Miss. Kitty's Corner. They are left alone with like a million screaming little bratty kids that tie them up and run wild.


****SarahLynn Says****
*Shoplifting is a crime, and crime doesn't pay!!!!
*Todd is slowly returning back to his normal self, gushing over Liz and everything. Damn, I had hoped he would keep up with the crazy!!!!
*Where's Bruce been lately? Ugly new actor or not, I miss him!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"A Fair To Remember"
It's winter already!!! And some dude dates BOTH Liz and Jess.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 5) - "IQ Commeth"

Intro:
Yeah, I've gotten a little lazy with my Intros. Forgive me, it's absolutely beautiful outside and I need to quickly post those so I can play outside before the NBA Draft Lottery tonight!!!!
Today's second episode is about JESSICA!!!! She's a genius, and now EVERYBODY knows it!!!! She even gets a BANNER!!!! I love banners. I wish somebosy would make one for ME, but then again, I never do anything banner-worthy.

Recap:
***A-Plot***
Our story starts at school. Everybody has just finished some super hard math exam and now they're all stressing about their results. Jess isn't worried about it, she's too busy stalking this episode's love interest, Jim Johnson.

As Jess walks down the hallway, the Principal stops her. She scored 162 on some college compatibility test, which is AMAZING!!!! The only other person who scored higher was some dude named Mortimer, and now he and Jess will represent SVH at the Big Academic Bowl. Top prize is $500!!!! Jess is surprised by all of this, but she sees the big flashy CONGRATS banner, and then Mortimer turns out to be hot, so she goes along with it. Plus, $500 will cover her latest accident with the Jeep. She drags Mort to the Moon Beach for a study session. I think she just wants to get in his pants, but he is oblivious. At the MB, Jess realizes that she knows NOTHING!!! I'm beginning to think her test results were a mistake.

Jess decides to impress Mort with a hot new dress, so she borrows some money - $200, to be exact (which is essential to the B-Plot)- from Liz. She is STILL positive that she and Mort will win the Academic Bowl, so she thinks she'll be able to pay Liz back with her winnings.

Eventually, the Principal figures out that Jess only scored 62 on the test, and thus she is STUPID!!!! Just like everyone else, I guess. Jess refuses to drop out of the Academic Bowl, and she devises a plan to help her win...

Jess enlists the help of Lila and they go to the Academic Bowl offices. They work their way into the head guy's office and search for the answer sheet so Jess can cheat. They prove how stupid they are by confusing dude's grocery list with the answer sheet!!! Seriously?!?!

The day of the Academic Bowl arrives and Jess dresses for the occasion. She even wears glasses. (And I am now totally reminded of the tragic events of the Degrassi season 4 episode where Spinner and Jay rigged the Academic Bowl and that Rick guy got humiliated. And then he returned with a GUN and shot Jimmy/aka- DRAKE!!!! That was TRAGIC, and my life hasn't been the same since. And Winston would totally be Rick, good thing he isn't competing.) Jess has the "answers" memorized, and she makes a complete ass out of herself. She ends up with the lowest score ever in the history of '90's TV show episodes featuring Academic Bowls. Mort thinks she's a complete idiot and he wants nothing to do with her, plus she now has no money to give to Liz...

***B-Plot***
Todd's friends continue to cause trouble for Liz. They bully people, especially Winston. Todd stands idly by and watches these morons as they steal Win's glasses and force him to give them money. Somehow, these guys talk Win into giving them $200. He doesn't have it, and he knows they're gonna kick his ass if he doesn't make with the cash, so Liz agrees to loan it to him until they can resolve this whole thing.

Liz demand to know why Todd won't help poor Win, but he's still being a badass so he ignores her. Instead, Cheryl teaches Win the art of boxing (in MONTAGE! form!!!!). Cheryl kicks ass!!!! I wish she was real so we could practice boxing together. I'd even let her borrow my rainbow gloves with the sparkles on them!!!! (Hey, I have small hands and only the kids' gloves fit!!!)

Eventually, the thugs come looking for their moneys. Win doesn't have it so he's forced to fight. (And I just noticed how they've added a lot more background voices into these new episodes...it's really annoying.) Lucky for Win, Todd is able to stop being a dick long enough to step in and stop his goons. Win refuses to let Todd stop the fight, and he promptly gets knocked out. Liz is now left to wonder whether or not this act means that the old Todd is back. I hope not.

****SarahLynn Says****
*Why did ever TV show of this era have to have an Academic Bowl episode? I was super disappointed when I got to high school and discovered that there was no such thing!!!! We had a trivia team, but there was never these big showy events with cash prizes or anything...

Next Time on SVH TV:
Liz learns about football, Lila lies, and Enid thinks Todd is into her. Unlikely!!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 4) - "Dark Side of the Moon Beach"

Intro:
Todd Wilkins gone bad!!! Oh no!!!!

Recap:
We begin today's episode in the Wakefield kitchen. Jess is digging in the fridge and complaining about how she hates food and water. Whatever, go to the Moon Beach already!!! Liz is sitting at the counter and looking all sad (she does this a lot lately). Before Todd dumped her ass, she ordered him a personalized Lakers jacket. She wants to give it to him anyways, since she can't return it. Jess stops her and begs her to let her have it instead. Jess delivers the hilarious line: "I'm sure one of these days I'll date a guy named Todd." If she only knew... Jess must be up to something here, because she suddenly starts babbling about how Liz needs to get over Todd's ass and get under someone else...

Jess apparently heard me earlier when I told her to go to the Moon Beach. She's sitting with Lila. Poor Lila has over-shopped (again *sigh*) and her father has now put her on a BUDGET!!!! (Yes, again.) Lila is understandably upset and she tries to bitch about it to Cheryl, but Cheryl isn't the type of person who spends a lot on clothing. Her outfit is from a "vintage" shop... And I imagine that, despite this, she must have a FEW haute couture items in her closet from all those years of modeling. You know she's just lying so Jess and Lila don't figure this out and start to "borrow".

Liz is now waiting for Todd to come and get his present. He shows up over an hour late. Liz bitches about it to Winston, and he tells her to try and be more understanding. Dude just needs his space. Of course, this concept is foreign to Liz, and she doesn't understand why Todd only wants to practice his basketball playing. She must not have been paying attention in the first episode. Todd obviously sucks at basketball, like bad enough to make him drop out of school!!!! No wonder he needs to practice instead of dealing with his meddling, obviously-not-over-him ex!!!! Liz is shocked to learn that Todd is having a party that night. He also had one the week before and was with some redhead. His friends thought that that whore was LIZ, WTF Todd?!?! Again? Liz decides that now is the time to get over Todd (no shit!!!) and she enlists Jess to help her date. Jess is well-prepared for this occasion. She has index cards with vitals on every guy at SVH, and they're organized into categories. She also makes a huge wall chart with sticky notes and photos!!!! Plus, she was kind enough to make a "LOSER" pile for Enid.

At school, Win learns that Todd has skipped class all week. (Ummm, duh, that's sort of what happens when you drop out of school!!!) He's shocked and starts to worry so he goes looking for Todd. He discovers that NOBODY has seen Todd lately, AND he even QUIT the basketball team!!!! Oh shit, Todd's lost it!!!!

Lila, meanwhile, is going crazy for bargains. She's even learned about the wonders of coupons!!! Scary stuff, I know.

Winston continues to search for Todd. He runs into Carl (!!!!yay, Carl!!!!) and Carl gives him this helpful info: "He went somewhere, with some guys". Thanks, Carl, remind me to call you next time I need an alibi!!! Win is super smart, and he tracks Todd down based off of Carl's tip. He finds Todd at school (it's nighttime...) and he's in the process of stealing a car!!! Todd and his crew get scared off easily, and Win runs up and gets inside the car. (Damn, I thought he learned his lesson about that in "Kidnapped"...) Wires are exposed, so Win now knows for sure that Todd has turned evil!!! (Maybe it was his doppleganger...)

Todd goes to the Moon Beach to lay low after his failed attempt at criminal activity. Win finds him and confronts him. Todd denies it, and he sort of threatens Win a little bit. I'm not Win's biggest fan, but I think he may be onto something here, Todd. Stealing = bad.

Liz is back into the dating scene. There's a MONTAGE! of her getting ready for a date. Jess, Lila, and even Enid's stupid ass all try new looks for her, and it's a lot like CLUELESS. Liz's date for the evening is named Scott, and my notes tell me that someone was wearing a stupid hat, but I forgot to write down who it was. The evening goes well, but then Jess pops up in a thought bubble, wearing a devil costume. She reminds Liz of the new rules for dating, and the fact that men like a woman who takes charge. Liz follows this advice and orders the meal. She is too busy being take-chargey that she fails to notice that Scott is ALLERGIC to what she ordered. Epic fail. Later, Liz returns to the same dining establishment with another guy, and this time Lila and Enid join Jess in her thought bubbles. This is enough to make Liz lose her mind!!!!

While all of this is going on, Lila is STILL obsessed with saving money. She starts buying stuff in bulk and going to -get this!!!- GARAGE SALES!!!!! She even steals sugar packets. Finally, Jess has had enough of Lila's embarrassing new habits. She locks Lila in a department store and forces her to shop. Mr. Fowler was fine with this, especially since Lila has discovered pawn shops and started to pawn his valuables. He realized that he actually SAVED money by not putting Li on a budget. If I had a dad, I would want him to be like Mr. F.!!!! Emotional neglect and all.

Liz goes on yet another date. This time, she goes to the Moon Beach and breaks Jess's stupid dating rules. her date orders burgers, and Win serves them half-eaten ones. Liz goes to complain and Win tells her that he needed to talk to her in secret. He tells her about Todd's newfound auto theft hobby and Liz is all OMG. As if on cue, Todd prances into the Moon Beach at that moment. He's wearing BLACK LEATHER, so you know he's gone for good. He acts like a complete ass (my notes say "Todd come in, bes a dick") and yells at Liz for being such a meddling bitch. He even picks a fight with the basketball team, wanting to kick all of their asses at once. (I'd put my money on Todd!!!! Dude's BAD!!!!) Todd grabs Win and shakes him for telling Liz what he did. Todd = angry, I got that!!!! He leaves in a rage, announcing his intentions to go and party. For once, I wish I was going with him.

****SarahLynn Says****
*New Todd is growing on me even more!!!! I like this guy. I think that, since my beloved Bruce has been replaced by an imposter, Todd is my new SVH crush.
*Lila sucks at being poor, we are all aware of this.
*Liz sucks at dating. I guess having the same boyfriend since you were like 7 and shit doesn't help matters much.

Next Time on SVH TV:
"IQ Cometh"
Jess is a genius? And more Todd being a badass!!!!

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 3) - "Promotional Rescue"

Intro:
I think I pretty much covered this at the end of my last post...

Recap:
Surprise, surprise, Jess has crashed the Jeep yet again!!! As usual, she needs to come up with $200 to cover the repairs. Yet, she's at the Moon Beach, spending her parents' hard-earned money despite the fact that she eats like 6 meals a day at home, plus snacks. Win suggests that she quit with the gluttony and the bitching about her finances. Actually, he suggests she get a JOB (LOL!!!!), but I liked my version better.

Speaking of people spending money, Bruce's dad has recently bought him the Moon Beach. (Yay, Moon Beach!!! I like it even better now!!!) And thus, Bruce is now Win's BOSS!!!! Which means, Winston = Bruce's slave!!!! (No not THAT kind of slave...dirty, filthy-minded reader!!!!)

Sadly, we must now check in with the Other Side. Liz and Enid are in the billiards room. Enid is absolutely without a doubt the stupidest person on Earth. She thinks that the pool cue chalk is eyeshadow. Dumbass. Liz isn't listening to her incessant babblings, however, she's still moping over -you guessed it!!!- Todd. Cheryl is sick of this shit, so she devises a secret plan to help Liz get over it for good...

Back to Bruce!!!! Bruce is obsessed with turning the MB into a profit machine!!! Jess, also needing some profit, suggests a partnership. Jess wants to throw a bunch of themed parties at the MB, and Bruce agrees to pay her $50 per party. Jess's first action as partner is to suggest firing Winston, and Bruce agrees.

Damnit!!!! That was just getting interesting!!!! Now we're back to the Losers. They're riding in a convertible, and Enid is in the back, screaming like she's never ridden in a car before. I don't think I have ever been THAT excited in my life... You can totally tell Cheryl wants to punch her face in. Enid quits screaming long enough to pull out some car games. She has checkers!!!! And some other lame shit, but Cheryl isn't having it!!!! She tosses Enid's crap out the window, and I now want Cheryl to marry me!!!!

Back at the Moon Beach, Jess has hired Win's replacement. His name is Chad, and he's hot. Of course, he's also an idiot. He gives $25 change for a $10!!!! Jess is throwing a huge party at the MB TONIGHT!!!! This should be good...

NOOOO!!!! We're back to Liz/Cheryl/Eeny!!!! NOOOOO!!!! Enid even makes LIZ seem tolerable, damnit!!!! Cheryl's Big Secret Surprise Plan is camping at Devil's Canyon!!!! Wow, I was hoping for a spa weekend, or even a few days at a nice hotel... WTF, Cheryl/Tatyanna/Whoever the hell you want to be today?

Oh thank god, we're now back at the MB!!! I'm sorry to report that Jess's promo party is failing miserably. Jess was supposed to mail out the invites (damn, how long has Liz been gone?) but instead she put them in the recycling bin, thinking it was a mailbox. Easy enough mistake, I guess!!! Jess promises that next time it will be a million times better, and Bruce tells her that it HAS to be or else his dad is shutting down the MB!!!! Oh shit!!!! Bruce blames Jess for fucking everything up, and I think he's responsible for at least a LITTLE of the blame. He should have known what he was getting into when he hired Jess. Luckily, Jess seems to have like 6 other events planned that same day, and we get a MONTAGE! of this. There's a heavy metal pancake breakfast, and a creepy mime party. Of course, all are epic fails. Looks like the Moon Beach is fucked!!!!

Meanwhile, in the woods, Cheryl has "accidentally" pushed Enid off of a cliff...oh wait, wishful thinking!!!! Instead, Cheryl has built a fire and Liz is clutching a box containing all of Todd's stuff. Cheryl wants her to burn it (like in CLUELESS!!!!!), and Enid is STILL being annoying as hell. You can totally tell that Cheryl wants something really bad to happen to her, and even Liz is slightly annoyed. Liz is scared to burn all of the stuff because she isn't ready to forget Todd yet. (Probably because we still have like 2 1/2 seasons to go!!!!)

Flashing back to the MB yet again, Bruce is still failing. The place is empty as hell, and Jess is wondering why nobody showed up to the fondue party. Suddenly, a large crowd rushes in and demands burgers. They don't want fondue, so Jess and Bruce are SOL, and Jess suggests keeping the MB the way it was. Bruce agrees that it was perfect the way it used to be (like, yesterday!!!! or maybe the day before...) and he begs Jess to help him cook for the customers. Jess has had enough (and also made enough from her failed parties) and she quits, taking hottie Chad with her. Amazingly, we get ANOTHER MONTAGE! Two-for-one!!!! Hells yeah!!! Bruce is working his ass off, and he really sucks at it. The crowd starts to chant and Bruce screams in frustration.

At the camping spot, Enid is STILL babbling. SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! You contribute NOTHING!!!! And I am losing what remains of my sanity listening to you!!!! I wish YOU had been riding with Liz on Jungle Prom Night!!!! Everybody decides to go to sleep, and Liz falls asleep holding a picture of Todd.

I really should have done this episode "A-plot"/"B-plot" style. I hate switching back and forth, and these plots are seemingly parallel!!!! Back at the MB (again, *sigh*) Bruce is cleaning up his mess. Win comes in to collect his final check, and Bruce begs him to come back. And then something amazing happens- the YouTube glitches and skips forward to the very end. Hopefully I didn't miss anything important!!! It doesn't appear so, because the episode ends with everything being resolved somehow. Jess even manages to fix the Jeep, but she lets Chad drive it afterwards and he crashes it AGAIN!!!! I wonder how much Mr. W. pays for car insurance every month?

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Bruce now owns the Moon Beach, and Winston.
*Liz is not over Todd.
*Jess has seriously bad luck with that damn Jeep!!!!

Next Time on SVH TV:
"Dark Side of the Moon Beach"...oh, how I LOVE that Moon Beach!!!! Todd shows just how much he's changed. Can anyone save him before it's too late? And Lila learns how to live like the rest of us.

SVH TV (Season 2, Episode 2) - "Model Behavior"

Intro:
It's the first day of school (again) in Sweet Valley!!!! And there's a new student... Plus, Black Carl (who is hereby known simply as "Carl", due to the name change of Crazy Carl in "Kidnapped") returns!!!!

Recap:
Like I said, it's the first day of school at SVH. Liz is still all mopey over Todd's recent personality transplant, and Jess is getting sick of her whining 24/7. Lila runs up and announces that SVH has a new student, and she's -wait for it- A SUPERMODEL!!!!! Her name is Tatyanna Thomas, and she's really pretty. Even I think she's hot!!!!

The new Bruce (and his super weird posture...) saunter right up to Tatyanna and hits on her. She rejects him and acts really bitchy towards everybody. Nobody realizes how bitchy she's being, they just keep gawking at her and worshiping the ground her Jimmy Choos walk on. Seriously, girl just wants to be NORMAL and they're all treating her like some sort of freak show. Winston even goes so far as to snap pics of her as she tries to walk to class. CARL is also there (and I hope against hope that the writers do NOT make them a couple based solely on the fact that they have similar skin tones, but I can already see it coming) and even he's joining the effort to alienate this poor girl. Rumors are already flying around about how hot and sophisticated Tatyanna is. Seriously, this girl arrived like 30 seconds ago and she's all anybody can talk about. It's sad. Tatyanna proves right away that she isn't just a pretty face, she's also BRILLIANT!!!! She even corrects LIZ in class...WOW!!!! I like her!!!!

Tatyanna caps off her horrible day by visiting -where else?- the MOON BEACH!!!! (Yay, Moon Beach!!! Oh, how I have missed you and your neon awesomeness!!!!) Everybody continues to stare at her and she ignores all of them. Todd is in the backroom, brooding over the newly-installed pool tables. Tatyanna asks him to play a game with her (since he's the only one who has failed to acknowledge her existence) and he accepts. They have a nice, normal talk, and Tatyanna enjoys herself. She even lets Todd run her lucky charm (in a non-sexual way, of course). As is typical, Liz walks in right in the midst of all this, makes an incorrect assumption, and leaves quickly. Jess and Lila stay behind and follw Tatyanna around like a couple of creepers. She makes it very clear that she has nothing to say to them and that she is NOT going to be their new BFF.

Jess and Li go home dejected and bitch about how much they hate Tatyanna. Liz joins them and eats an entire tub of licorice (ewww). Liz tries to defend Tatyanna, but Jess informs her that Tatyanna was all over Todd after Liz left. (Of course, it wasn't really like that, but Liz is still making stupid assumptions so she believes it.) Jess and Lila decide to do some "research" on Tatyanna in back issues of Seventeen magazine. (Two episodes in a row!!!! Seventeen must have paid BIG money for that!!!!) They discover that, whenever Tatyanna's place of birth is mentioned, it's different in every article!!!! WTF??? Luckily, Lila has a friend who knows Tatyanna and is willing to give them some info...

At school, Win continues to stalk Tatyanna, and Liz is still worrying about Tatyanna and Todd. (I'm not so sure it's TATYANNA that you should be worried about, Lizzie.) Mr. Collins doesn't help the situation when he suggests that Liz interview Tatyanna for the Oracle. (Damn, even the teachers are on this girl!!!!) Liz has her doubts, but Mr. Collins gives HER a shoulder-pat and Liz agrees to give it a try. Of course, Tatyanna is trying to be NORMAL and the last thing she wants is a cover story for the Oracle, so she refuses to let Liz interview her. All this time, Winston and Manny are STILL stalking Tatyanna. Winston is determined to get a pic of her, and he makes Manny pose for practice photos. It's...bizarre, and he tells Manny to "look sexy". Okay then.

Jess and Lila have finally received their info on the REAL Tatyanna. They corner the poor girl in the bathroom and basically wave it in her face just because they can. Seriously, I really feel bad for this girl!!!! No wonder she likes hanging out with Todd, he's the only person who doesn't treat her like she's a freak. Tatyanna tells them to fuck off and she storms out of the bathroom. Win snaps a pic as she opens the door...what an asshole!!!! Tatyanna is awesome- she breaks Win's film!!!! Jess and Lila come out ready for revenge!!!! (Although I'm still not fully clear as to why they are doing this...what are they going to gain from this?) It seems that Tatyanna was born in Arkansas and her real name is Cheryl. (OMG, Cheryl Thomas? As in, the girl who dated Steven and then they broke up because he was white or something equally closed-minded? Easy Annie's stepsister?) And -guess what!!!!- Cheryl/Tatyanna doesn't give a shit that her "secret" is exposed!!!! She just wants to live a normal life!!!! She's sick of all this attention and people treating her like her shit doesn't stink!!!! She proceeds to clarify this for Jess and Li before running off. Liz shakes her finger at Jess and Li and follows Tatyanna/Cheryl. She asks why Tatyanna is so upset. (Ummm, duh, Liz!!!! Obviously Liz isn't paying attention today!!!!) Tatyanna/Cheryl explains everything to Liz real slowly, and also tells her that she really was NOT interested in Todd. She just wanted a friend, like a REAL friend. She tells Liz that she understands why she was upset, and that Todd is a great guy- but SO not her type. She decides to give friendship a try with Liz, and even agrees to do the stupid Oracle interview!!! The episode ends with her telling Liz to call her "Cheryl".

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*I'm sure Cheryl/Tatyanna will get over Jess and Lila's bitchiness and be their friend by the next episode.
*Whatever happened to Nicholas Morrow? And Koichi? I liked those guys.
*I still hate the new Bruce, but the new Todd is kind of growing on me.
*Cheryl is really, really pretty, but that does NOT make it okay to STALK her...Winston, I am speaking to YOU!!!!
*I don't think Enid was in this episode at all. I liked that.

Next Time on SVH TV:
Jess wrecks the Jeep (again), Bruce buys the Moon Beach, and Liz goes camping with Enid.