The Unicorn Club #5 - Unicorns In Love

Intro: Hello, loves! After yet another long absence, I'm again attempting to return to blogging. I miss it terribly, this blog was like my baby at this time last year and I've invested sooo much time and money into it that I'm finding it impossible to walk away. Life's crazy these days!!! I finally returned to work (a new job, which unfortunately doesn't pay as much as the old one) and being a single 26 year-old is DIFFICULT!!!! Between socializing, planning my first ever vacation, and trying to date again (PLUS...having my heart broken AGAIN, which I'm sure I'll tell you about randomly), I barely have time to breathe, let alone sit here and write a post. But, I have managed to read quite a few Unicorn books (which is NOT an easy task, trust me!!!) this year, and hopefully I'll get back to recapping them regularly for you. For now, you'll have to settle for this one from May of 1994, which I am only recapping because tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I'd much rather be recapping a Lila book!!!

Cover: It appears that our beloved Unicorns are coupling up these days!!! And their boyfriends are wearing matching shoes!!! One of the twins (Jessica, I'm assuming) appears to be none too happy about this new development. Or maybe she's just pissed that her head appears to be far too large for her body. Some Asian girl (Evie? IDK, honestly, I spaced out on these books after The Best Friend Game...) is whispering to Jess, so I assume that the rest of the UC is also pretty upset about this shit.

Back Cover: Yep, that's Evie. Wow, I have an excellent memory!!!! It seems that there's trouble in Unicorn Land. Lila, Mary, Mandy, and Ellen have new boyfriends!!! The rest of the UC is pretty upset about this, so it leads to them fighting and the club disbands! Oh shit, does that mean I don't have to suffer through any more of these?!? Sadly no, because Evie overhears Rick Hunter (Mary's BF) saying that he's going to the big school dance with Amanda Harmon (that whoreface from book #3, oh hell no!!!!) and he plans to dump Mary publically. OMFG, what a douche!!!! Oh wait, he's a MAN, and men do that type of shit, especially in junior high...(and sometimes in their 30's, but that's another story.) Anyways, Evie decides that the only way to stop Rick's douchebaggery is to reunite the Unicorns! Fascinating, No?

Recap: Evie begins the book by telling us about herself. Zzzzzz, wake me up when we get to the part about Jessica and Lila... Evie is Korean-American, with long straight black hair. She is 4'11 and 3/4 inches tall (why she tells us this is beyond me...is it supposed to imply that she's short because she's Asian? Well, it doesn't mean shit!!! I was shorter than that when I was in the 6th grade!!!) and she lives with her grandmother and great aunt, who force her to play the violin nonstop. Ok, you know she doesn't say it like that, but we all know it's true. Evie is babbling about how SVMS is putting on a play that some famous director is helping with, and it's about vampires. Evie and Mandy Miller are doing costumes, Ellen wants to act, Lila wants to boss people around as stage manager, and Jessica wants to be an usher. Haha, RIIIGHT!!! Jess wants to be THE STAR, duh. And I really hate this first person narration crap!!! While all of this is happening, Evis is describing the club, and telling us about her friends. It's all a jumbled, confusing mess that SarahLynn could do without!!! So, in summation,
Lila = rich as hell
Mandy = had cancer once upon a time, dresses awesome
Jessica = major slut, always chasing boys, has a boring twin named Elizabeth
Maria = token black girl, former actress
Ellen = mildly retarded, wants to act, but nobody thinks she can
Got it? I'm sure we'll be subjected to more description as the chapter progresses because that barely covered anything, plus mixing it with the story confused me!!!! Damn you, book!!!

Anyways, all that aside, we now join Evie at her grandmother's store, which is called The Attic. We learn that Evie lives with her grandmother because her parents dies when she was 6...awwww, sad!!! The UC is helping Evie's grandmother out because they recently saved the store from going bankrupt and because they get free vintage clothing for doing so. Mary is going on and on about how Rick Hunter is playing the vampire in the play, and how she has a serious crush on him. I see where this is going...

Later, the UC continues it's charitable efforts by bringing some of the poor kids from that damn daycare center they go to in every chapter to the science museum. Sweet, I LOVE the science museum!!!! Can I go too?!?!? They have dinosaurs there, and this particular museum has one of those inflatable bounce houses!!!! The one by me does NOT, so I am jealous as hell. Ellen is babbling about some guy named Tim Davis. Her friends aren't big fans of his because all he talks about is BASKETBALL (yay!!!! Me too!!!!) and how awesome he is... Sounds like my type all the way!!! Too bad he's 13...and fictional!!! Mary is jealous of Ellen though, because Ellen gets to kiss Rick in the play!!! Oooh, potential girlfight!!!!

At school the following day, we finally get some Lila!!! She appears to have fallen for some hottie by the name of Tommy Rivera, and Mandy is all over some dude named Peter DeHaven. They're all working on the play together, along with Rick and Mary. Everybody pairs up neatly, with the exception of Jessica, Evie, Elizabeth, and Maria. So like half the club now has boyfriends!!!! The Unicorner is quite empty at lunch because of this, and the 4 bouyfriend-less Unicorns are bumming. And I just LOVE how easy it is to find a boyfriend in Sweet Valley!!! Here I am, just hitting 8 months single (as of yesterday!!!), and I kind of hate them for that!!! Sure, I've had dates since the breakup, and it was getting serious with this one guy, but he randomly decided that I wasn't what he wanted (*cough, cough* probably GAY *cough,cough*)...yet these bitches can start relationships in the span of like 6 pages!!! No wonder the single ladies are upset!!!! They distract themselves by discussing the club's scheduled mall trip.

As it turns out, the Unicorns with boyfriends blow off the mall trip entirely! Those whores!!! They were supposed to all shop for SVMS's big semiformal dance, but instead the single Unicorns head to Casey's to settle their sorrows with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. Of course, they run into Mandy and Lila there. They're on a double date!!! OMG!!! This is enough to make even Jessica lose her appetite, so you know shit's about to go down!!!

At school the following day, tension rises. Even Elizabeth (who Evie calls the "least whiny" person she knows...wow, Evie must only know like 6 people!!!) is complaining. Lila, Mandy, Mary, and Ellen are so consumed with their new boy toys that they're all late for play rehearsal. Everybody worries that Ellen is so caught up in her new man that she won't be able to remember her lines on opening day (way to give her credit, you bitches!!!), and even Mandy is spacing out on her wardrobe responsibilities.

The single Unicorns leave rehearsal and go straight to the daycare center. The Unicorns with boyfriends don't even bother to go, except for Ellen, who shows up super late and talks nonstop about Tim. It's annoying as hell, and the last straw is when Ellie (Lila's little buddy) tells Jessica how much she misses Lila and thinks Li will never, ever come back. Awwww, I love Li, but even I think blowing off a little girl who obviously looks up to her and thinks the world of her is a little low. Poor Ellie. Jess is upset by this, and she decided to call an emergency meeting! When she tells the rest of the club, they all have plans with their boyfriends already! So that plan is totally fucked!!!! Jess is pissed, and so are the rest of the single Unicorns. This leads to words being exchanged, and the club ends up breaking up since boys are obviously more important than friends!!! Oh shit!!! Please, please let this be permanent!!! I'm losing my mind reading this crap, and I cannot stand the thought of having to read more of these books!!! They're TERRIBLE!!! Poor Evie cries because of the breakup, and shit gets awkward. They even stop speaking to each other!!! Poor Evie has to suffer through gym class and play basketball with Ellen without speaking!!! To make matters worse, that bitch Amanda Howard is also on her team. Rehearsals for the play are no easier, Mandy won't speak to Evie (the bitch passes her NOTES instead, grow the fuck up!!!! Mandy, you survived CANCER, you should realize that life is short and your FRIENDS are the ones that are there for you, boys will only break your heart!!!) Mary won't speak to Elizabeth either, she puts some poor girl named Carmen in the middle of shit and makes her talk to Liz!!!! This is just retarded. Ellen is so distracted by all of this and by Tim's sexiness that she fucks up her lines. The single Unicorns leave rehearsal in bad moods because 1) their firendships are fucked, and 2) the play also appears to be fucked as a result. They decide to cheer themselves up by having a 4 person pity party. They sit around and mope about how much they miss their friends, and the days of the Unicorn Club (ie. THE DAY BEFORE!!!), and they hate all the new free time that they have without the club. Whatever, I'm bored, where's my vodka?!?!

Back at school the next day, Evie and Liz are hanging out in the library. Yawn, I miss Lila!!!! I can't wait to get through this shit so I can do some Lila books for you!!!! I have TWO on deck, and I think I will do them next!!!! Because this is fucking TORTURE!!!! Anyways, Evie and Liz overhear that cunt Amanda talking about the semiformal and how she's going to invite Rick. Uh oh!!! Apparently, the UC hasn't spoken in 5 whole days at this point, so Evie and Liz decide that it would be awkward to tell Mary about this...

To make it even more awkward, Evie goes to the daycare center after school only to find Mary there. Mary's gushing to the kids about the big dance and how she has a new, expensive dress, and how her date is perfect!!! The kids eat it all up, and Ellie wants to hear all about Lila and Tommy. Mary indulges her, and Evie vomits in her mouth a little. THe rest of the kids are also super excited, because they're going to the vampire play!!!

The following day, Evie and Liz's fears are comfirmed when they overhear Rick telling his buddies about Amanda and how he's going to the dance with her. He plans to tel Mary he's too sick to go, and then show up with Amanda. DOUCHE!!!! Evie and Liz decide to ASK him if he's serious and, after they tell him that they're no onger speaking to Mary, douchebag confirms it!!! Yes, the dumbass actually TELLS them that he's doing this.

Evie is upset, but life goes on. She goes to violin practice and cannot focus for shit. She confides in her teacher about the whole Rick thing, and he tells her that, despite recent events, she obviously still cares about Mary, and she should really tell Mary because friends are forever. Or some shit. Evie thinks that's probably a good idea, especially since Mary is investing so much money into the dance. Mary is now getting her hair done AND a makeover at the mall to go along with the dress!!! And, to make matters worse, it seems that EVERYBODY at school now knows about this, except for poor Mary!!! Evie knows what she must do- REUNITE THE UNICORNS!!!!! Because apparently it takes 8 people to solve this damn problem... And, honestly, I am surprised that the former Unicorns are unaware of this!!!! Where is Caroline Pearce?!?! Is she too busy with her early stage breast cancer to gossip this week?!?!

The girls without boyfriends all reach out and contact their former friends. An emergency meeting is called because, in all honesty, they all still care about each other!!! Plus, it's only book #5, so they can't end it yet!!! They tell Mary about Rick's douche tendencies, and Mary cries, of course. Mandy and Jessica team up and call that whore Amanda, and she confirms that Dick -I mean Rick- is going with her. Which only means one thing, the UC needs...REVENGE!!!! Sweet, I hope they kick this asshole in the nuts, and Amanda needs her ass kicked too!!!

Sadly, this IS Sweet Valley, so there will be none of that. The Unicorns work together to rewrite one of the scenes for the play, which -coincidentally- features Rick's character having multiple girlfriends, or something. In the revised scene, several of the characters (all -coincidentally- played by Unicorns) will totally call him out for messing with multiple girls and being a douche in general. Plus, Mandy will sabotauge his costume so his pants are too large, thus causing them to fall down when the girls start fighting over him. Yawn, I could have come up with a better plan than that. Anyways, their plan goes successfully and everybody laughs. The audience thinks it's part of the play, so nothing is actually ruined on that front. But the director is kind of upset, although the UC quickly explains that it was just an opening night glitch. At the afterparty, Jessica goes up to Rick and bitches him out for what he did, and he doesn't seem to care (because he is a MAN, and men suck!!!) until Amanda comes up and announces that she can't go with him because he looked like an idiot on stage. Not because he has a GIRLFRIEND, because he looked stupid on stage!!! (Oh Amanda, you and I have more in common than I thought!!! Girlfriends, wives, I'm not deterred by either one most of the time!!! Call me when you turn 21, we could cause some major trouble!!!)

After a successful humiliation, the UC gets together to discuss the dance (the girls without dates are going together, but the 3 girls with boyfriends will still be going as couples) and set some new club rules so this never happens again. The new rules are simple (so Ellen can remember them!): Everybody must attend the bi-weekly meetings, no blowing off friends for boyfriends, and no dating douchebags!!!! The book ends with a cryptic statement about how the Unicorns are at peace, but will it last? I'm guessing NO, being that book #6 is called The Unicorns At War... (And yes, I do have that one, but after enduring this crap-fest, I need some LILA in my life!!!!)

The back of the book redeems itself by advertising the SVH Jungle Prom miniseries, promising that there is "one person with a power so evil, so dangerous, that it could destroy the entire world of Sweet Valley"... Of course, they are referring to MARGO!!!! Just the mere thought of her is enough to brighten my entire life!!!! Although I do not recall her having any special POWER to speak of... Is being a doppleganger considered a power?!?!

And, speaking of dopplegangers, they actually are NOT as uncommon as other blogs lead you to believe... Being a tan, blue-eyed, blonde myself, I was surprised a few months ago while at the bar one night. Apparently, yours truly is in fact a doppleganger!!!! And here is the proof!!! Blogiverse, meet my long-lost "twin"!!!!

Creepy, huh?!?! I actually grew up with this girl and hadn't seen her for like 10 years, but people kept mistaking me for her and, when we finally ran into each other, it was like a total Parent Trap moment! And yes, Sweet Valley was the first thing that came to mind!!!

***The SarahLynn Summary***
BOYS FUCKING SUCK!!!! They cheat, consume way too much time, and then try to dump you publically. That's why it's best to break their hearts and humiliate them before they get the chance!!! And, in truth, I would much rather be "the other woman", because at least you KNOW what's going on!!!

Coming Up Next...
Lila's dad ignores her, so she decides to throw THE PARTY OF THE CENTURY!!!! With HIGH SCHOOL BOYS!!!!! And yes, Bruce comes too!!!! Plus, there's SHOPPING involved!!!!

At long last I have returned to reading Sweet Valley!!! I haven't picked up a book since the whole breakup thing, so this is a big step for me!!! I hope to return to regular blogging sometime around the holidays, provided Santa brings me that laptop I asked for...

The Unicorn Club #3 - The Best Friend Game

Intro: Well, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Life still hasn't returned to normal for me and it kind of really sucks right now, but I decided that my return has been postponed long enough. Please forgive me if this post is not up to my usual standards as I am not the same person I was 2 months ago. Also, I still have yet to buy my own laptop and the one I'm using SUCKS. Like big time. Hopefully I'm able to get this post published with minimal difficulty. Now, onto the real reason you're reading this...My triumphant return!!!!

Cover: This book was published in March of 1993, which is made painfully obvious by the outfits our beloved Unicorns are wearing. Those patterns are HIDEOUS!!!! Ewww. In a stunning nod to continuity, all of the girls are wearing the official club jackets they were given for their work on that stupid movie in book #2. In the background we have (from left to right) either Mandy or Lila (I'm guessing Mandy because I don't think Lila would ever wear such an ugly skirt, even in 1993), token black girl Maria, and some scary looking girl with frizzy hair. In the foreground we have one of the Wakefield twins (judging by the outfit I'm going with Liz) and some creeper guy who I'm assuming is the host of said Best Friend Game. I'm very concerned with where his right hand may be...

Flipping over, the back cover is narrated by Liz. Apparently there's a new club in town...The Eight Times Eight Club (aka- The Eights) and those bitches seem to be one-upping our beloved UC at just about everything these days. Oh snap, no they didn't!!!! DAMN!!!! The Unicorns hate them and it seems the two clubs will soon be competing against each other on some stupid game show...

Story: We begin with Liz telling us how much she loves mystery novels, and that she once got a B in her second grade class. This book is already boring the hell out of me and I'm only like 2 pages in...sigh. I MISS BRUCE!!!! Why wasn't he in any of the UC books? Anyways, as I mentally add a few paragraphs about the overall greatness that is B-Pattz, Liz babbles on about the Unicorn Club and basically recaps books 1 and 2 for us. I wish I had read this book first and spared myself the headaches of that stupid Maria book!!! Luckily, it's been awhile since I read books 1 and 2 so I am forced to pay attention. It seems the UC still has yet to replace Mr. Clarks toupee that they destroyed in book 1, so they're still trying to raise that damn $300. In the meantime, they've come up with a few very stupid solutions (ie. a video advertising spray-on hair).

Luckily, we are soon spared from that lame subplot and the real story surfaces. It seems some bitch named Amanda Harmon (who?) has started a new club at SVMS. It's a group of 8 eigth-graders that call themselves the Eight Times Eight Club. But apparently this isn't TOO important right now because the UC quickly abandons their hate session to watch their new favorite game show- The Best Friend Game. It's some crappy cable access show on channel 32. Two teams of up to eight players go head-to-head answering questions about their BFFs. The Unicorns are all obsessed with watching this crap, and they freak out when the host (Brandon Blitzen) announces that the show is looking for contestants. All they have to do is write an essay about their clique. I think you know who gets roped into writing that...

Liz quickly knocks out the essay. Of course, she makes sure to mention Mandy's 48-page battle with cancer, and the fact that Evie is Asian. She also discusses Maria's movie career, and mentions that Mary lives with her adopted family. If memory serves, Mary's mother returned BEFORE she could be adopted. I guess she abandoned Mary again. Poor girl. Liz quickly mails the essay (e-mail woulb have been faster, hun...) and the waiting begins.

To pass the time, Liz and Jess go to the daycare center and visit the poor disadvantaged children that frequent it. Jess has a fun idea for the following weekend- taking the little brats to the SVMS football game!!! Because this is Sweet Valley, 4 of the parents are allowing their children to go to this game under the supervision of the world's most irresponsible 13 year-old... This is going to end REAL well, I'm sure.

I'm assuming that all of the story thus far took place on a Friday, because the story picks up again on a Monday morning at SVMS. Jess and Lila waste no time bragging to the Eights about how they're going to be on TV. Liz reminds them that they haven't been selected yet. But Jess and Li don't care, they've lived in Sweet Valley their entire lives and they are well-aware that they WILL be chosen. That's just how life works in SV, duh Liz!!! The book gives us a little more detail about those damn Eights- they always dress exactly alike. They have matching plaid shirts and plaid scrunchies in their hair. How 1993 of them!!!

On Thursday, the UC is notified that they have been selected for the show, and they immediately begin to work on building their knowledge of one another. We learn some "interesting" favorite food trivia facts here, such as:

*Liz's favorite food is pineapple upside-down cake (I started to mark this as a continuity error here- see my "JFK" entry- but it's quickly explained that Liz learned to love pineapple in a cooking class she took the year before)
*Jess loves chocolate mousse
*Ellen likes banana chocolate chip ice cream
*Lila, of course, is more sophisticated. Her favorite is pesto spinach pizza.

We also learn a few of the girls' astrological signs:

*Maria- Capricorn
*Ellen- Pisces
*Mary- Aries
*Lila- Leo
(Of course, as soon as someone brings up Liz and Jess's birthday, they subject is quickly changed and we are left to speculate on our own.)

As luck would have it, the UC soon discovers that the Eights have also been selected to appear on the show. The Unicorns are pissed, so they blow off steam by shopping for purple outfits to wear with their club jackets. (Yet I see NO purple clothing under said jackets in the cover pic...WTF.) Liz also decides to promote the Unicorn's appearance on the show by writing an article for the school newspaper. The rest of the UC is upset that she also has to include the Eights in her article to avoid being accused of media bias. Lila handles this matter by calling in a favor and getting an article published on the front page of the local section of the Sweet Valley newspaper. There's even a giant photo of Lila to go along with it. HA!!! I love Lila. The Eights are pissed, natch, and they retailiate by slapping 8 ball stickers all over the SVMS locker rooms. This infuriates the UC because, if you recall, they're still on probation for the toupee incident, and a stunt like that might make the principal re-reconsider his decision to allow social clubs to form on school grounds. OH NO!!!! If I were a Unicorn, those Eights would get quite the talking to after school let out...maybe that's why I was not invited to join. The principal is also still bitching about his toupee money, so the UC quickly cleans up the mess made by the Eights.

The following day is the day of the football game. SVMS is playing -wait for it- BIG MESA!!!! NOOO!!! I hope there's not a rumble on the football field. I'm imagining that there will be, and those poor kids from the daycare center will be caught in the middle of it. But luckily this is still middle school and the worst drama that happens involves the Eights passing out their own special edition of the school newspaper featuring an article about their appearance on the show. Jess is so pissed about this that she manages to lose two of the children she is supervising. (Hands up if this surprises you...) Jess runs around the field in a panic, but she finds the kids before halftime starts. As she's leading them back to the group, the Eights run out onto the field and perform a special halftime cheer. Everybody applauds and is in complete awe of how awesome the Eights are, and the UC has finally had enough!!! They decide that the MUST beat the Eights (on the show, of course...damn, I was hoping for some sort of rumble) and Liz is positive that it can be accomplished. All the Unicorns have to do is practice nonstop...

To gain support, the UC hangs banners all over the school. Of course, the Eights also have banners. This leads to a standoff, and a bet is proposed. The losing club must perform "Puff the Maic Dragon" in front of the entire school!!! Awesome, I LOVED that song when I was a kid, and everytime I hear it now I think of Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents. ("You a pothead, Focker?" Haha, NetFlix it if you haven't been fortunate enough to see it!!!) Apparently both clubs consider this humilitaing for some reason, probably because they're all too absorbed in their Johnny Buck and Melody Powers cassettes to appreciate a true classic...

Finally, game show day is upon us!!! Ned and Alice show up at the studio for the taping, along with Steven and some of his friends. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL BOYS!!!! Plus, a bunch of the Unicorns' other friends are in the audience. (Wait, they have OTHER FRIENDS?!?! Who??? Bruce??? Please, please, let him show up. I miss him terribly!!!) Of course, the Eights have also brought their own supporters, AND they have matching t-shirts. Those bitches!!!! I despise them. Go Unicorns!!!

Brandon Blitzen starts the show by pairing everybody up with their own teammates and the questions begin. Because this is confusing as hell in my notes, I'm charting this out for you. We'll begin with who is being ASKED the question, followed by their answer and follow it up with the real answers in parenthesies).

*Liz, Question: What is Jessica's definition of happiness?, Answer: Shopping in Beverly Hills with Johnny Buck. (A happy, safe family...awww)
*Lila, Question: If Ellen were stranded on a desert island, what one item would she bring?, Answer: A CD player. (In typical Ellen fashion, Ellen asks WHY she is being sent to this island, and then responds with FOOD. See, she's not completely stupid, although I would have gone with a BOAT or an airplane, but that's just me.)
*Mandy, Question: What is Mary's idea of a perfect date?, Answer: Someone preppy, because Mary is preppy. (A nice person is Mary's response...well, I should hope so!!!!)
*Maria, Question: What is Evie's prized possession?, Answer: Her violin. (It's actually her grandmother's store. Evie is such a sweetie!!!)

Obviously, that round was an epic fail. It kind of pisses me off nonetheless because the questions were SOOOO general and vauge!!! Not to mention TYPICAL as hell. How does this show get ratings?!?!

On the opposite side of the stage, the Eights dominate the round and answer every question correctly. The Unicorns decide that they need to pick the most obvious, generic answers for the following round. It fails epically, and the score stands at 95-0 after the first two rounds. The final question involves Liz having to answer a question about what rating (1-10) Jess would give to the food in the school cafeteria. WTF on that, this show sucks!!! I'm changing the channel...oh wait, this is a BOOK. Damnit!!! Jess tries to cheat and tap out the answer but Liz refuses to cheat and she gets it wrong. Jess freaks out because the Unicorns look like complete idiots and the Eights win the grand prize of $25 to spend at some CD store. (Wait, $25 each, or $25 total? I'm confused...oh wait, who cares, it's finally over!!!!) In consolation, the UC receives some soap and shampoo samples and a free dinner at some place called Weird Wally's. It's described as a clown-themed restraunt that caters to little kids. Oh, the shame!!! The whole club is upset, and this leads to them all getting in some stupid fight about how they suck at being best friends or whatever. Sigh, at least it's better than the last book. I wanted to bitchslap Maria when she was wallowing in her bedroom!!!

In typical Liz fashion, Liz goes home and cries. Eventually, she gets her composure back and begins to realize that the Eights got every question correct because they are all shallow, and shallow people are incapable of independant thought. Or some shit, I honestly stopped caring like forever ago!!! Basically, the Eights are all lemmings, and the Unicorns are all just sooo individual. Liz is all like "Who cares if Lila is a Taurus? We're best friends because we SUPPORT each other, not because we try to imitate each other..." (Damn you, writers, Lila is a LEO, you told me this and I AM taking notes!!! How can you mess up the continuity like that?!?!) Either way, lesson learned, and this shit can wrap up anytime...please, it's Saturday night and I have places to be!!!! Oh, the things I do for my readers (assuming I have any left after my absense!!!!).

The following day, the Unicorns avoid each other as much as possible. Liz tries to reason with everyone, but even Mandy blows her off. Not helping the situation any, a group of boys stages a "Worst Enemies" show in the cafeteria at lunchtime. Basically they really only make fun of Ellen, which infuriates me to no end!!!! I actually like her...those guys are total douchebags, IMHO. The Eights approach Liz and demand to hear "Puff the Magic Dragon", and Liz promises to deliver a performance on Monday.

School ends, and we pick back up the folowing morning. Conveniently, the Unicorns had previously volunteered to run some sort of open house at the daycare center. (Sidenote: What kind of establishment allows a group of 13 year-olds to oversee an operation such as this? I could see this happening in Stoneybrook, but this is NOT a BSC book, and I am beginning to wonder if the writers are aware of this. I miss the OLD Unicorn Club!!!! They would NEVER waste their precious Saturdays doing this shit!!!) Because all of the kids will be there, Liz finds it imperative that the Unicorns put aside their differences and band together so the kids aren't upset. Because, if you recall, those daycare center brats rallied to save the club back in book 1...again, biting the BSC, damn!!! So Liz goes on Def-con and somehow manages to talk Mandy into calling an emergency meeting. Everybody shows up, but nobody bothers to put any effort into their appearance, so you know they just don't care!!! Nobody is wearing anything purple, OMFG!!!! They all act like total bitches to each other and argue some more about why they lost. Liz eventually convinces them that they are still best friends, because their differences are what make each of them special. And, since the Eights are all essentially the same person, the Eights suck. Whatever, I was over this like 2 chapters ago. Liz fixes the situation, and then the Unicorns realize that they still have to hold up their end of the bet. Luckily, Liz has a plan for that as well... MODERNIZATION!!!! They're going to perform a RAP version, complete with a dance!!!! Leave it to Liz to ruin what might have been the ONLY enjoyable moment of this book. Bitch.

Monday arrives, and the Eights start the day by harassing the Unicorns about their obligation. The Unicorns fake distress and whine about how humiliating it is and how tough the song was to learn. The Eights laugh at them, but they are quickly silenced when the Unicorns enter the cafeteria rocking sideways purple hats with green dragons on them. (Were those hats made by Ed Hardy? I think so.) The Unicorns launch right into their routine and everybody loves it. People actually stand up and start dancing to the beat. Only in Sweet Valley!!!! The Eights slink out of the caf in defeat and the Unicorns all congratulate each other on a fabulous performance.

Unfortunately, Mr. Clark is waiting outside the cafeteria. He is still on that toupee thing (seriously? It's been 2 whole books dude, get over it!!!), and he drags the Unicorns into his office for a little chat. Amazingly, he then reveals that all of their stupid alternative suggestions for curing his baldness have led him to the revelation that bald is beautiful. He no longer feels the need to hide it, so he agrees to let them off the hook. Well, not entirely...he wants $100 from them. But he plans to use the money to fund a beach volleyball court AND the Unicorns will get a plaque informing all future students that they sponsored it. Way to re-enforce their negative behavior, guy.

The book concludes with the Unicorns leaving the office. They're still BFFs and it's all good (for now) so the story can end anytime now... On the way back to class, Lila announces that she's going to the daycare center after school to visit her favorite child, Ellie. Liz hears this and begins to think about the time that Ellie ran away to Lila's mansion... Thus setting up book 4, which I do not own, but I DO remember reading it!!! It was a favorite, actually, so if anyone has a copy feel free to send it my way :)

Conclusion: Seriously, could I have chosen a more boring book to recap?!?! Probably not, but at least I finally got a recap posted!!!! Hopefully I will be buying my new laptop within the next week or so, which will allow me to post at my normal rate again!!!! I missed this more than you will ever know, and I thank you for sticking by me during all of this. I have no shortage of appreciation for all of you guys, and I hope I was able to entertain you.

Apologies...

Hey Strangers,
I know I swore I would return to posting soon, but life got a little crazy on me. Getting over the breakup was easy enough, but restarting life at 25 has not been so easy. On the positive side, I have discovered the wonderful world of DATING!!! I never knew what I was missing!!!! Damn, this is FUN!!! On the other hand, I still haven't gone back to work so I'm broke, and living with Mom is STRESSFUL!!!! Seriously, I'm more stressed about my living situation than anything else. Also, I still have yet to buy a new laptop and I'm forced to share my little sister's (she's been great about this, but Facebook keeps occupying most of my time...damn boys!!!!). I have a few recaps ready to bust out, so expect my triumphant return any time now!!!

Love It

Sorry for the multiple status updates lately. I'm still fighting through this (although once I learned that she MOVED IN WITH HIM, this breakup got a little easier!!!) but I think I should be back to posting this week for sure!!!! I'm thinking my next recap will be Rachel's In, Lila's Out from the Unicorn Club series. Since this new bitch is named Rachael, I'm sure I will have LOTS of comments after reading that book :)

Back To Reality (Somewhat)

Hello again!!!!
After what has easily been the worst week of my life, I'm finding myself here in the midst of week 2 of the single life. I'm all moved in now, but I must regretfully inform you that I had to leave my laptop behind. I was devastated, but my mom does have a computer so I should be back on schedule really soon. I'm already bored of sitting at home (haven't been to work in over a week!!!) so I decided to attempt a post for you guys. Please forgive me if it lacks my usual touch, I've changed A LOT since he broke my heart. And thanks so much for being there for me while I'm going through this!!! I appreciate you beyond comprehension!!!
Here We Go Again...
-SarahLynn

Find Your Love/Find Your Heart

Hey again,
I'm still having trouble finding my happy place right now, so forgive my complete lack of posts. I discovered why the BF broke up with me...he was CHEATING. Ouch, that set me back a little but I'm slowly recovering. I'm also moving back to Mommy's house this week!!!! I'm taking my laptop, and all my Sweet Valley books have been packed, so perhaps I will return to posting very soon. Thanks for all your support while I'm going through this shit, I appreciate your concern and kind words. Not to mention the fact that you read my blog!!! I promise I will be back to normal (whatever that may be, I am currently unsure) very soon!!!
-SL

Happy (Belated) Birthday, Elizabeth and Jessica!!!

With everything that's been going on in my life right now, I completely spaced on the twins' birthday!!!! I had intended to do a special post of June 13th to celebrate the occasion, but I'm still stuck on a few issues right now. I guess there's always next year, right?

Just an FYI....

Hello again, friends!!!!
It appears that my life has become more dramatic than any SV book. My BF of NINE YEARS has decided to break up with me (5 days before our 9 year anniversary), so forgive me if I post too little (or too much...) in these upcoming days/weeks/months/ect. I cleaned out my recapping notebook last week, so my supply is limited to say the least (although I DO have another Unicorn Club recap coming your way, maybe as early as tomorrow). Also, I'm putting my original stories ("Freshman Year" and "...Winston") on hold until my situation improves. I'm sorry, but I have little energy for creative pursuits right now and I wouldn't want you to have to read subpar postings!!!!
Come back soon!!!!
-SL

SVT Super Edition #9 - The Twins Go To College

Intro:
Wow, I've gotten a lot of page views this week! It seems my most popular post was Maria's Movie Comeback, so I'm planning on reading a few more Unicorn Club books this week. But, as for today, I'm feeling lazy so I decided to recap a SVT Super Edition that I read last week. Jessica and Elizabeth are going to college! And we're going with them! This is exciting to me, since I am a college dropout and this is probably the closest I will ever get to going back to school...

This book came out right when I stopped reading SVT. It was published in August of 1997, and a very talented (or not) group of brothers from Tulsa, Oklahoma were a top the pop music charts with a little song called "Mmmbop", so I was just too busy to be bothered with reading the SVTs. My mind was maturing, and Sweet Valley High was just SO much cooler. Besides, Jess and Liz had been in the 6th grade for most of my life at this point, and I was getting a little tired of it.

Cover Story:
I cannot tell which twin is which here. I would assume the one with the ponytail is Liz, but she's wearing a purple shirt so I just don't know!!! Both twins appear to be wearing Doc Martins (which seem a little dated, even for 1997, IMO) and they're SUPER tan. It's almost creepy how tan these girls are. Looking at this, I'm surprised SVC didn't feature one of them getting skin cancer...

Recap:
I'm seeing a pattern with these Super Editions. Jess and Lila are hanging out, talking about how awesome summer is and how they don't have to go to school. Of course, this pleases them. They continue to complain about school, and they both agree that school should teach classes about important stuff, like shopping. (Side note: My high school was located in a shopping mall, and I took a fashion design class where we got extra credit for bringing in clothing designed by people we were studying. I had an A+ in the class, and my parents had the credit card bills to prove it.) I agree with Jess and Li here, learning should be hands-on and FUN, dammit!!! As if on cue, Jess checks the mail and sees that a letter has arrived from Sweet Valley University. It's addressed to both Liz and Jess, and it informs them that they have been accepted into SVU's summer study program.

The program lasts 2 weeks, and the students get to live on campus. Jess is not at all excited, however. Her parents forced her to apply with Liz because they're sick of looking at their hideous spawn and they just want the house to themselves so they can get shitfaced and maybe throw a key party. Oh wait, they're shipping Steven off to basketball camp (sweet!!! Can I go too?!?!) and going on a second honeymoon to the Grand Canyon. Ewww, I did NOT need that mental image. No matter how much she begs, Ned and Alice refuse to let her stay home, even though Lila volunteers one of her many guest rooms. Lila says her father probably won't even notice, but the parentals have spoken and Jess is going to college.

Jess is allowed to throw herself a going away sleepover, and all the Unicorns show up wearing ALL BLACK. Yep, NOT A SPECK OF PURPLE, so you know this is seriously terrible! They even give Jess a sympathy card. Meanwhile, Liz and Amy are also having a sleepover. Of course, they're being super lame. They're -get this!- ROLLING UP SOCKS. Liz is also looking over the course catalog and debating whether to bring a T-shirt with the names of her 5th grade classmates on it, or a T-shirt with a yogurt company logo. I sincerely hope she isn't planning on taking fashion classes. In case you care, the yogurt tee wins because Liz wants to feel older. She also gushes about romance and how her parents met at college.

Back in UnicornLand, Jess pops a VHS into the VCR (oh, 1997!!! DVD was still an entire year away...) starring some actor named McKinley Carlson. ("that kid who got famous for screaming"...hmmm, I wonder who HE is supposed to be!) Jess doesn't know what the name of the movie is, but she knows that Steven recorded it long ago. (I will NOT make gay joke, I will NOT make gay joke...) Luckily, it isn't gay porn or anything (oops, I made a gay joke) and the entire UC gets totally absorbed by the plot, which is OBVIOUSLY ripped off from "Home Alone". Jess laughs to herself when she realizes the movie is called "Jailbreak". The UC unearths Jess's SVU info packet and they all gather round to see what kind of torture Jess is in store for.

As luck would have it, SVU sounds like the nicest college ever. Like a Harvard for rich kids, LOL! There's widescreen TVs in every room, huge beds, a game room fully stocked with SEGA machines, AND a pool. It gets better still- it's within walking distance from a MALL that has a tanning salon! Plus, there's NO curfew or homework checks. Jess is a little more excited after learning this, but she still hates the idea of having to go to classes in the summer. She decides to pick an easy course and ends up choosing ceramics. (Liz chooses Romantic poetry, or "RoPo", as I like to call it.)

Ned and Alice bring the twins to SVU the following day. Liz and Jess are anxious to sign up for their "majors" before the classes fill up, but the 'rents want to wander around campus first. They take a walk down memory lane and it takes FOREVER!!! Jess and Liz grow more and more impatient. Finally, they look up at the school's clock tower and realize that they spent way too long reliving their college years. They make a quick departure and Liz and Jess begin making the most out of college life. They're not rooming together, and we meet Liz's roomie first...

Marion Hobart: Marion is the child of two detectives, and she plans on following in their footsteps. She is also a master of disguise, and she greets Liz and Jess by mimicking them so well that they believe she is their long-lost triplet. (ANOTHER one?!? Oh hell no, call me when this ends!!! I'm warning you now, Jamie Suzanne, there better not be any twin switches in this one!!!) She's studying criminology and Liz asks her if she reads Amanda Howard mysteries. Marion calls AH "dated" (oooh, Liz is gonna kick her ass!!!) and starts telling Liz all about REAL detective work. Both Liz and Jess think she's pretty cool, but Jess thinks her roommate will be a million times more awesome so she rushes off to meet her.

Jess's roommate is named Susan Rainer, and she is GORGEOUS!!! She's from LA, and she immediately insults Jess for living in the suburbs and wearing T-shirts. In short, Susan = Megabitch!!! She tells Jess she only signed up for this stupid program because she already dated all the boys in LA, and Jess agrees that boys were they only reason she came, too. Susan laughs at her and tells her that she doesn't stand a chance with ANY boy because she is wearing a T-shirt... BITCH!!!!

All of the girls go to the snack bar, where Susan continues to be Megabitch. Liz tells Jess to focus of Susan's good qualities, but Jess can't find any. Jess is soon distracted when a cute boy joins them. His name is Mike and he has soft brown eyes. He's in the Nature Scout program and he's leaving for a canoe trip in a few days. (He gives us A LOT of info when we first meet him, I wonder if this might be important later.) Susan walks up to him and immediately steals him from Jess, so now Jess REALLY hates that bitch. She tries to confront her, and Susan just ignores her. Even I hate this bitch.

That evening, Liz goes for a walk around campus. She stops on a bridge and looks up at the clock tower. She yells out some poetry (typical) and turns around to see a sandy-haired boy standing behind her. He's also into poetry!!!! They have some lame discussion about it, and I totally tune them out because I hate poetry. Not because I'm uneducated or anything, I really did TRY to like it back in school. But it really isn't my thing. I blame Liz for ruining it with her stupid poems that I had to read in like every SVT book growing up. Liz goes back to her dorm without even getting dude's name, and Marion offers to investigate him for her. Because she's an amateur detective, you know.

The next morning, everybody goes off to their respective classes. Jess's ceramics class is full of boys, and -the best part- NO SUSAN!!!! There's even a guy who looks like BRUCE!!!! (Ooooh, can he be my partner?) Once class starts, Jess realizes that making pottery consists of more that just tossing some clay on a wheel and punching it until it looks pretty. The teacher assigns like a million projects, and Jess begins working on a clay pot. Of course, she didn't pay attention to the instructions and she ends up splattering clay all over herself. Everybody laughs at her and she hides in the back until class ends.

Liz, meanwhile, is sitting in her RoPo class. The girl next to her is a idiot. Chick starts babbling about how she LOVES "Romantic poetry", and Liz laughs at her mentally because this dumb bitch thinks RoPo = GREETING CARD POEMS!!!! Girl whips out a Hallmark card from her BF, and Liz again laughs inside her head because this girl obviously has no idea what REAL poetry is all about. The teacher walks in and -gasp- it's the boy from the bridge!!!! His name is Ethan and he's a student at SVU. He's also a Teaching Assistant and he's in charge of the summer class. Liz figures he must be like 18 years old, even though he doesn't LOOK that old. She wishes with all her heart that she could make herself not look 12... (I'm warning you now, this only gets MORE fucked up as we go along!!!!)

Classes let out for the day and Jess sneaks out after everyone leaves. She gets lost leaving the art building and ends up in SVU's art gallery. She looks around and sees an ugly old clay pot with weird lines on it. She looks closer and sees that it's the image of a face, screaming in pain. She backs up in fear and bumps into a old woman wearing a black and white dress with a black cape. The old woman tells her that the pot is a CURSE POT used for getting rid of one's enemies. Jess automatically thinks of Susan, and the old woman continues to talk. She basically gives Jess a curse pot recipe...

Step 1) Make an imperfect pot (That seems a little contrived to me!!!! Being that we ARE talking about JESS here, it just seems TOO perfect...)
Step 2) Etch in the face of the one you want to curse
Step 3) Draw evil signs in the clay while it's still wet to draw in evil spirits
Step 4) Fire the pot in the kiln and the cursed one's spirit will be trapped inside

(Quick pause as I roll up some Play-Doh and try to draw my boss's face into it...)
Jess digests all of this, still thinking about Susan. When she turns around, the woman has vanished. It's almost like she was never there. Suddenly, Jess is scared. She's alone in a creepy museum with all sorts of cursed shit, after all. She runs for an exit and ends up crashing into a guy who's wheeling a cart full of pottery. She smashes most of it and decides that, since she's had such a terrible day, she's going to run away from college.

While all of this is going on, Liz and Marion are having a hypothetical discussion about disguises. Liz wants to know how "someone" could make themselves look older. Marion suggests standing up straight, wearing heels, wearing different clothes, changing one's name, and using different expressions. Liz takes it all in, and decides to start by choosing a grown up name. She ponders this for awhile and picks a "cool, mature, and slightly romantic" name- GERALDINE!!!! Really, THAT'S her idea of a COOL name?!?! Me, I would have gone with JESSICA, or LILA, because nobody is cooler than them. No wonder Liz is the lame twin!!!! She keeps rolling with the "coolness" by deciding that "Geraldine" will use grown up expressions like "My, my!" and "Indeed!" Shoot me now, PLEASE!!!!! Liz also goes to the mall and buys herself some slutty new clothes and earrings. Plus some makeup and high heels. (Jess, having decided to run away, walks by the boutique while waiting for Lila's limo. She sees Liz all slutted up and decides to stay and see what's up with that...)

Liz immediately goes to find Ethan after she finishes shopping. She pretends to be Geraldine and introduces herself as Liz's older sister. She also makes it a point to tell him -several times- that she is 18. Ethan quickly switches the subject to Liz and talks about how much he loves her poetry. He says her poems are better than his, and I begin to wonder why HE is teaching poetry because he obviously knows NOTHING about it!!!! Liz = terrible poet, we ALL know this!!!! Even you Team Elizabeth girls HAVE to admit it from time to time!!! "Geraldine" quickly switches the subject back to her 18 year-old self. She says she too writes poetry, and she offers to show him her work. He agrees to look at it, and asks if she can bring some of Liz's work along. (His fixation with Liz is starting to disturb me, and I've known this guy for like 10 pages...) He even goes so far as to suggest that "Geraldine" bring Liz on their "date". Now that's messed up.

Liz makes an excuse because she knows producing Liz for the date will be impossible. (I HATE when people FORGET that they have identical twins...don't you? Just blackmail Jess into it...I think she still owes you from that last Super Edition!!!) Jess finds her and interrogates her about her new look, but Liz won't comment at this time.

The next day, Jess has finally had enough of Susan being a Megabitch. She goes to ceramics and makes a pot with Susan's face on it. Liz, meanwhile, sits in class and drools over Ethan's sexiness. He also stares at her, and it creeps me out!!!! She stays after class and he tells her that he met her sister. She asks which one because she has TWO. She tells him she has an identical twin, but all he wants to know is why she can't go out with him and Geraldine. He seems very disappointed, and I seem very disturbed. Dude, she's 12!!!!

Before I go insane from my rage at this guy who is obviously way too involved with this 12 year-old, we switch back to Jess in the art building. She's leaving class, thinking about how fabulous her clay pot looks. Of course, it has it's flaws, but Susan's face is surprisingly accurate. On her way out the door, she runs into the guy from the art gallery. He apologizes for yelling when she smashed the priceless pottery and introduces himself as Bernard. To make up for being such an ass, he offers to show her the large kiln where all of SVU's pottery gets baked. She goes along and tosses her curse pot inside.

Jess returns to her dorm to find no sign of Susan. All her stuff is still there, but nobody has seen her ALL day. In fact, half of the dining hall seems to be empty. Marion reminds Liz and Jess that the Nature Scouts went on their canoe trip until Friday (it's Tuesday right now). When asked where Megabitch is, Jess responds with "IDK" and "IDC", and then explains to Liz what this means. That language seems out of place in Sweet Valley, even if it IS 1997!!! That creeper Bernard joins the group and tells Jess that her pot turned out fabulous. The clay she used turned a silvery shade during firing, and the face pops right out at you. Bernard asks Jess to join him at lunch the next day and she agrees. Again, I find this disturbing!!!! Does SVU even bother to screen their faculty?!?! These scenarios where these college guys ask 12 year-olds out on dates is just WRONG!!!! Somebody call Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC, please!!!! I'll make the sweet tea myself!!!! (In case you didn't get that, I'm referring to "To Catch A Predator", best show ever!!!!)

Jess eats with Bernard the creeper and he tells her more about himself. He's working at SVU for a summer job while he takes summer program classes. He's been on campus for like 3 weeks already, and he's met lots of cool people. He particularly mentions meeting some cool dudes, and I begin to relax because Bernard is obviously one of those gay art guys. But still, how old is this dude? Don't you have to be at least 16 to work? What is he doing in a program for 12 year-olds? I just don't get it!!!! I probably never will...

Liz goes back to Ethan's class and he tells her that he's seeing Geraldine that evening. He can't take his eyes off Liz STILL, and I am about to write myself into this book so I can kick his creeper ass!!!! He pisses me off further by telling Liz that he thinks she -Liz- is more down-to-earth and that Geraldine says "My, my!" and "Indeed!" WAY too much!!!! (I hate to agree with a perve, but I have to right now. Geraldine SUCKS. Jess could have created a WAY better alter ego.) Ethan goes right back to pissing me off by asking Liz to lunch. She has to write poems for "Geraldine" to bring on the date, so she refuses. Smart girl. There should really be rules about student/teacher interactions...

Jess spends her afternoon at the pool, followed by a trip to the mall. She's enjoying life without Susan to the fullest. She even puts the curse pot in her dorm room before getting ready for dinner. She puts on her jacket and finds a piece of paper in the pocket. It's got a poem written on it and it's called "Ode to Blue-Green Eyes". It's about a girl with blue-green eyes, and it mentions meeting said girl on a bridge. (I'll give you three guesses who wrote it...ewww.) Jess is confused, but she just assumes that Bernard wrote the poem and he added the bridge to be poetic. (Which, even if Bernard DID write this, doesn't make it any less creepy to me.) As Jess is mooning over her love poem, the Resident Advisor knocks on the door. Jess asks where Megabitch Susan is, and the RA is shocked because she hasn't seen her in awhile, and Jess mentions that Susan has been gone since yesterday. The RA kind of yells at Jess for not reporting that, but Jess had assumed Susan was sleeping in someone else's room and she really didn't care that much. The RA says that Susan could be laying somewhere dying, and Jess kind of likes that mental image. The RA makes Jess report this to security, but nobody starts a search party or really takes any action. Nice, grounds for a lawsuit!!!! Alone again, Jess stares at her curse pot and wonders if she was responsible. The guilt gets to her, and she runs to find Liz.

Liz is in the cafeteria (as Geraldine) with Ethan. Jess wonders what's up with that, but she really doesn't care that much because this is about HER!!!! She runs up to Liz and Liz greets her with "Oh, hi, Elizabeth..." Liz mentally begs Jess to play along, and she does because she's a good sister. Jess tries to talk poetry, but Ethan keeps staring at her and it creeps her out. She's also confused as to why Ethan is calling Liz "Geraldine", and she figures it out much like I would:
Liz + "oodles of grown-up clothing" = Geraldine.
Liz and Ethan continue to babble about poems, and Jess jumps in, telling them about the poem she found in her jacket. Liz is too busy pretending to be Geraldine to listen, but Ethan hangs on her every word. He asks if the poem was about eyes, and I gag a little. Dude, TWELVE TWELVE TWELVE!!!! Do I have to beat it into you?!?! Liz is pissed that Jess is ruining their "date" so she drags her away to yell at her. Once alone, Jess tells Liz about the curse pot and begs her for help. Jess wants to go locate the weird lady from the gallery, but Liz would rather play dress-up and talk poetry. Jess blackmails Liz into helping, as usual.

Later that evening, Jess and Liz sneak across campus to the art gallery. Being the super detective that she is, Marion follows them and offers to help. She breaks into the gallery using a paper clip and all three girls venture inside the creepy, dark museum in a scene ripped straight from Scooby-Doo. (Liz is TOTALLY Velma, Jess is Daphne, and Marion gets to be Fred.) There's apparently NO alarms...note to self. They find they curse pot, but no creepy old lady. They hear footsteps echoing around them, so they hide until they feel it's safe to sneak back out.

The next morning, Bernard finds Jess and tells her that somebody broke into the gallery. The curse pot has been stolen!!!! Jess is genuinely creeped out, especially when she learns that the thief only stole the pot. Nothing else was disturbed. Jess quickly changes the subject and asks Bernard about the creepy old lady. He knows exactly who she's talking about, and he tells her that the lady's name is Hatta Something-or-other and she's a local artist who used to teach at SVU. In exchange for this info, Bernard asks Jess to eat with him again. She agrees, and I'm really starting to question the way that SVU runs their summer program. On one hand, we have a missing 12 year-old that NOBODY seems to be looking for. And, on the other hand, we have teachers and employees asking "students" out for meals. Remind me NEVER to enroll SarahLynn Junior in this program!!!!

Continuing with this disturbing shit, Liz is again hanging out with Ethan after class. He tells her he liked the lame poems that Geraldine showed him, and he asks if Liz liked HIS poem. She has no idea what he's talking about, but his comment about blue-green eyes sounds vaugely familiar. He ups the creeper factor by telling her that he has 3 tickets to some concert, and he wants Liz to join him and Geraldine. Liz quickly makes an excuse not to go, but Ethan tells her that, if she's not going, he and Geraldine will not be going either. Wow, that's a little extreme there, buddy!!! Liz quickly saves her own ass by agreeing to go visit Hatta with Jess if Jess agrees to play Liz for the evening.

Jess and Liz take the bus to Hatta's house. She lives like 5 miles outside of town. (In this book, SVU is actually located in Sweet Valley...I wonder what's outside of Sweet Valley? *"Pleasantville" reference* I bet it's like the end of "The Truman Show" where Jim Carey goes to leave TrumanLand and all he finds is the walls of the large dome that covers his world...) Hatta lives next to a river in a house with flowers outside. Her flowers are planted in old kitchen sinks and a toilet bowl and the twins find this odd. (Growing up, the guy across the street collected claw-foot bathtubs that he used as flowerbeds...so I'm used to this.) Hatta's house has a roof made out of multicolored tiles, and her front door is painted a luminous black. She sees her visitors arriving and invites them in for tea. (Question: Why is it that every time these girls go to investigate a suspicious person, said suspect invites them inside for tea?)

The inside of Hatta's house is full of her pottery and Hatta quickly explains that she used to be an art teacher at SVU. She even hosts weekly teas for SVU students who are interested in her work. Jess quickly discovers that Hatta has the stolen curse pot. She asks why Hatta took it and Hatta explains that she made it (ummm, duh!) and she decided she wanted it back. She felt that it was giving young people the wrong idea about art (okay, crazy lady who plants flowers in toilets). She didn't break into the gallery either, she still has a key from her teaching days. Jess tells Hatta about her own curse pot and Hatta reacts by worrying. She promises to look into ways to reverse the curse and the twins leave because they have a date with Ethan.

Once back at SVU, the twins tell Marion about their findings. She's skeptical, and she mentions that there is a possibility that Megabitch Susan was MURDERED!!! The last person to see Susan was Nature Scout Mike, so he's now Marion's number one suspect. The murder investigation is put on hold when Ethan calls and announces that he has obtained an extra concert ticket for Jessica. The twins freak out because there's no way they can pull this off. But then they remember that Marion is a disguise master and -coincidentally- she looks very similar to them anyways. She could almost be their fraternal twin, so they get her to join their confusing charade. (Just so you can keep track- Liz = Geraldine, Jess = Liz, Marion = Jess... I was SO hoping for a book free of twin switches, and now we have a TRIPLE twin switch on our hands. *SIGH*)

Everybody goes to the concert, and Marion starts off with a pretty good Jessica impression. Until Ethan asks where she goes to school and she blanks. She responds with "School is...school is school, you know how it is..." (Brilliant.) Ethan starts to say that he actually doesn't know and that there's something he hasn't told Liz or Geraldine, but the group is quickly interrupted by one of Ethan's friends. If you guessed that it's BERNARD, you were right. He immediately messes up everything by telling Ethan that Marion is so not Jessica and that Jess is the one Ethan keeps calling Elizabeth. The girls fake sick and make a quick exit, leaving Ethan and Bernard to argue about who's who in this scenario.

Back at their dorm, Jess reaches into her pocket and finds another love poem that is so obviously from Ethan. She still thinks Bernard is her mystery writer, so she shows it to Liz. Liz knows otherwise, and begins to wonder why Ethan is giving Jess poems. Marion interrupts this display of dumbness by calling Liz a "dummy" and explaining (very slowly, I'm sure) that Ethan thought Jess was Liz (umm, duh, again) and he is giving the poems to the twin he believes to be Liz. Ethan obviously likes her, and Liz is happy despite the fact that I am now screaming at this horrible development. I swear, I'm about to toss this book out the window and into the pool. This is just so wrong. Wrong. Wrong. BTW, I hate Ethan. And Bernard's pretty shady too. Can we go back to sweet Valley now?!?!

The following day (Friday), Liz goes to talk to Ethan about his little love poems. He admits that he sent them, and then tells her that things are not going to work out between him and Geraldine. Because she's TOO OLD for him. (Ummm, dude, you're not looking any better here!!!) Oh wait, there's more!!!! Ethan is only SIXTEEN years old. He's some sort of super genius like Dougie Howser and shit, that's why he's in college. (Still, him being 16 doesn't make this any less creepy. Liz is STILL 12.) He really, really likes Liz, but he's starting to realize that he is too old for her. (Ya think? You fucking creeper, just go away and scam on some chick your own age!!! Even Steven Wakefield said Janet Howell was too young for him!!!) Liz agrees that 16 is too old, but she thanks him for the poems and promises to keep them forever. (Until Mr. Wakefield reads this book and finds them and uses them as evidence when he sues the shit out of SVU for this. Oh wait, he'd actually have to give a shit about his daughters to do that...) Liz even wrote Ethan a special poem. He too promises to keep it forever. This doesn't make me feel any better about this book, however.

Jessica, meanwhile, is pursuing her own college crush. (So, is Bernard 16 too? They never tell us anything!!!) She apologizes to him for leaving the concert early and convinces him to join herself, Liz, and Ethan on a trip to Hatta's house. Somebody did some research (I forget who, does it even matter?) and discovered that Jess made her pot out of some clay that Hatta had donated to the program. You see, Hatta has her own personal clay deposit in the river near her house and she likes to donate portions of it from time to time. Anyways, the curse could possibly be broken if the pot is returned to the spot it came from, which is the river. Jess gets there, tosses the pot into the river without much ceremony, and marvels at the way the pot shattered immediately. It's lying on the rocks in millions of pieces, and Bernard remarks that it's almost like it WANTED to be destroyed. Okay then. As everybody stands there staring at the pieces, they catch sight of the Nature Scouts returning from their canoe trip. Megabitch Susan is leading the way in the canoe she's sharing with Mike. Curse broken. The End...or not...

Of course, this book has only had ONE party so we need to quick work in another one. SVU has a dance to celebrate the first week of the program ending. Apparently, SVU still doesn't give a shit about the rules because Ethan is there, dancing with Liz. Bernard is also there, dancing with Jess, but I guess their storyline isn't as important because she'll fall madly in love with someone else as soon as the next book starts... Ethan and Liz are talking about how, despite him being in love with her in a really creepy way, they can still be friends. Ethan has to disgust me one more time by saying that the age difference won't matter in the future, like when she's 16 and he's 20. (Nope, that's still ILLEGAL, you dumbasses!!!) And, until then, he'll still have a crush on her... Gag me.


****The SarahLynn Perspective****
*This is probably the most fucked up book I have ever read. Ethan should be arrested, and Liz should also get her ass kicked for being so stupid. Geraldine, really?!?!
*Correct me if I'm wrong, but NO 16 year-old boy in his right mind would turn down an 18 year-old to crush on her 12 year-old sister. Most would be like "An 18 year-old? SWEET!!!!" Just ask SVH Bruce!!!!
*I like how nobody gave a shit when Megabitch disappeared. Even if they did discover that Susan was on a nature trip, somebody could have bothered to inform Jess of this... And I'm surprised that the RA had no idea Susan went on the trip. Who runs this program anyways? I have a few issues I would like to bring to light with them.