SVH #1 - Double Love

Intro:
I was sick a couple weeks ago and the BF bought me the omnibus edition (with the first three books!!!), so I decided to quickly recap this one while it was still fresh in my mind. The last SVH book I recapped was The Morning After, so we're now traveling backwards through time to the beginning. This book was written in 1983, which makes it even older than I am!!! Wow, that's a crazy thought.
I'm more than a little disappointed that the omnibus edition did not feature the individual covers, and whoever wrote the cover descriptions has obviously never read a single SVH book...

Cover:
It's very pink, and it has old school pics of Liz and Jess on it. Nothing too fancy, but the back has an intriguing tagline...
"One good, one bad, both are California blond"
Well, that's one way of putting it, I guess. I could have written a better line... And the inside cover gives us quick descriptions of the three novels enclosed. The writer asks if JESSICA will sell out HER BEST FRIEND, Enid. What a dumbass. I'm surprised NOBODY caught that error.
Moving onto the original cover, we have Jess in a denim jacket and Liz in a white sweater. They don't really look like twins to me. Their faces have different bone structure and Jess's face is fatter than Liz's. Plus, what in the world is going on with Jess's bangs? And Liz appears to have a mullet. Did people really wear their hair like that in the '80's?

Recap:
We begin with Jess in front of the bathroom mirror, complaining about her appearance. She feels fat, but yet she complains that she has "the world's skinniest legs" and bony knees. Long story short, girl has body and self-esteem issues. Of course, the writer breaks in and tells us that Jess isn't anywhere near as hideous as she has led us to believe. She's actually the "most adorable, dazzling 16 year-old" in the entire world. Liz comes in and the writer launches into the first-ever description of the twins. Jess fun-loving and shit, and Liz writes for the Oracle. But...Liz isn't as boring as you would think!!! She writes a GOSSIP column (hahaha, I can only imagine her idea of "gossip"...overdue library books and cookie parties, I assume) and nobody knows about it. If the students at SVH knew that she wrote it, tradition dictates that she will be thrown into the school swimming pool.
Liz goes to take a shower and the phone rings. Jess answers it and is surprised that it's none other than the school's star basketball player, Todd Wilkins!!! He's calling to speak to Liz, but Jess quickly dashes his dreams by informing him that Liz is in the shower. Todd gets flustered, and Jess quickly uses this to her advantage. She has a crush on Todd, apparently, and she needs a date to the Phi Beta Epsilon dance. Todd does not get her subtle hints, so Jess quickly tires of talking to him. She tells him that she has to hang up because today is a BIG day for her and Liz. They're pledging Phi Beta Alpha (they have sororities in high school? I never knew that). Todd wishes her luck, and I liked the SVC version of events better. It provided much more insight into this scene.
Since it's a special occasion, Liz allows Jess to borrow her new "tuxedo shirt", pants, AND bow tie outfit. Wow, just WOW!!! *Googling* I wonder if it's one of those t-shirts with the printed tuxedo front, or an actual tuxedo? Either way, that's HOT!!!! (J/K) We learn that, despite pledging with Jess, Liz thinks that Phi Beta Alphas are a bunch of snobby, stuck-up girls. Jess thinks they're the prettiest and most popular girls at SVH. (Where have we heard THAT before?!?)
Over breakfast, Mr. W. announces that he's working late that evening. This means that the twins get to drive to school in their mother's FIAT SPIDER!!!! Hell yeah!!! Jess is as excited as I am: "Am I going to be hot today! In my tuxedo shirt, driving my Fiat!" Yes, she actually said that!!! NOTHING is sexier than a Fiat/Tuxedo shirt combo. NOTHING!!! Sadly, Jess and her tuxedo shirt (notice how quickly is became HER tuxedo shirt...) will be riding shotgun. Jess has lost her driving privileges because of a little fender-bender, so Mr. W. hands the keys to Liz.
On the way to school, Liz gushes about how wonderful Sweet Valley is and how lucky they are to live in such a nice place. And they're even luckier than ever now that they have a new in-ground pool in their backyard!!! (I thought they had said pool prior to this? I swear I remember it being there through the SVT years...) Jess, in contrast, is wishing that she lived up in the mansions in the hills next door to Lila and Bruce. Liz points out that life isn't easy for Lila and Bruce despite their massive stacks of cash. The Fowler family wants to develop every inch of Sweet Valley, but the Patmans want everything to be preserved, so they fight about this all of the time. Jess barely listens to Liz's argument because another thought has popped into her head. She's curious as to why her father has worked late ALL week...
Liz stops to pick up Enid a few blocks from school. Jess despises Enid (she calls her "Eeny", LOL) and is pissed that Liz is picking her up. Liz, of course, likes Enid (no homo) because she has a great personality, even if she is a little quiet. Still, Liz thinks Enid may not be totally open with her, and also that Enid may have a few secrets of her own. (Damn, setting up book #2 eighteen pages into book #1, that's some pimpin' shit right there!!!) Whatever the case, Jess doesn't give a shit. BRUCE (!!!!) is driving his gorgeous ass by in his sexy black Porsche (which goes by the name of 1BRUCE1) and Jess immediately jumps out of the Fiat, lest Bruce see her with those two losers!!!
Enid talks about some hottie named Ronnie Edwards the entire way to school. Enid's going to the PBA/PBE dance with him. And I want to know why ENID was invited to join PBA?!?! WTF??? Lila and Jess must be SO mad about this. Liz barely listens because she is too into obsessing over Todd. See, Liz has a HUGE crush on Todd. She's just never acted on it because she thinks that Todd isn't her "type". Liz is shocked when she rolls up to school and Todd approaches the Fiat. He says he has something important to discuss with her, so she promises to meet him after school. Of course, Jess ruins the moment by saying that she's 110% positive that Todd wants to ask her (Jess) to the Big Dance. Liz is a bitch, so she gets all upset and cries about this in the bathroom. It never occurs to her to actually TELL Jess that she's into Todd, so I have no sympathy for this shit.
Liz shows up to meet Todd after school, but she arrives just in time to see him leaving with Jess in the Fiat. Dejected, Liz walks home alone to find Steven in the kitchen. He's starving (as usual), so Liz makes him a giant sandwich and they discuss Mr. W.'s frequent absences and overall shady behaviors. Jess arrives home (wow, that was fast) and tries to set Steven up with Cara Walker (who he actually ended up marrying at some point..), but Steven isn't interested. He claims to have plans with someone, lots of plans, non-homosexual plans, dammit!!! But I suspect that's just a cover. Jess does too, and when Liz inquires as to her afternoon with Todd, Jess switches the subject back to Steven's secret "flaming love affair". If she ONLY knew how true that statement would turn out to be... Liz gets mad at Jess for changing subjects and she has a meltdown when Jess says that Todd will probably ask her to the dance. Liz throws a sponge against a wall (OMG!!!) and runs from the room. She cries to Mrs. W. about what a whore Jess is, and Jess uses this as the perfect distraction to phone Todd.
The following day, Liz sits in the Oracle office and daydreams about Todd. Her fantasies are pretty lame- hand holding and -GASP- a kiss on the forehead in the middle of the lunch room!!! OMG, that is the most G-rated fantasy EVER!!! I had better ones when I was like 12!!! Cara Walker comes in and shatters Liz's fantasy world by coming in and announcing that Jess and Todd are the hot new couple at SVH!!! They even went to MILLER'S POINT!!!! Oh, snap!!! Liz is upset by this, and she finishes writing her column with tears in her eyes. Mr. Collins swoops in and "as usual, he knew what to do". He hands Liz his handkerchief and she spills her guts to him. He consoles her in his typical inappropriate matter, and then John Pfeiffer (sports editor, rapist, and arsonist) rolls in and mentions Todd's incredible basketball skills and game-winning shots. Liz peaces out on that note and goes off to cry somewhere. She runs into Todd in the hallway and he apologizes for blowing her off the day before. He asks if Jess explained what happened, but Jess quickly intrudes and steals Todd away yet again. (Hmmm, I see a pattern forming here...)
Once they're alone, Todd seems fixated on Liz. He asks Jess who Liz is taking to the Big Dance, and Jess responds by telling him that Liz is a major slut who likes college guys, hoping that Todd will shut up about her inferior twin and ask her (Jess) to that damn dance. Todd again misses her not-so-subtle hints, and Jess walks home alone. She doesn't mind doing this because she "never failed to attract a good deal of attention from passing cars". No, honey, that doesn't make you hot, that makes you a PROSTITUTE!!!
Of course, her strategy pays off. As soon as her feet hit the pavement, Rick Andover rolls up in his badass Camaro and offers her a ride. Rick is a total badass- he's a DROPOUT and he smells like leather and gasoline. He looks like a junior version of Clint Eastwood (oh no, they did NOT just say that!!! Hell no!!!) and he keeps calling Jess "Heaven". That's really annoying!!! I want to punch him, but then I remember that this is only a book, and he's not real. Rick decides that he likes what he sees and he wants to take Jess out for some "serious boogeying", whatever THAT means...
Jess agrees and the following day she sneaks out to meet Rick. In a rare show of parenting, Mr. and Mrs. W. do not approve of her seeing Rick, so she lets her entire family think that she's going out with Todd. (Of course, this breaks Liz's heart, but she's too stupid to actually TELL this to Jess.) Rick takes Jess to Kelly's Roadhouse for "boilermakers" (a beer and a shot, sometimes mixed together...gross) and they have no problem getting served- without even so much as an ID check!!!! (Damn, where was this place when I was 16?!?!) Jess isn't into drinking, so she quickly gets bored. Rick tries to rectify this by giving her "moist kisses" (ewww, that sounds HORRIBLE!!! I'll take Bruce's jellyfish kisses or Todd's dry kisses over that any day!!!) and by pressuring her to have a quickie in the bar bathroom. Of course, his ass gets rejected and he immediately takes out his aggression by fighting with some fellow patrons. The bartender decides to press charges and calls the police. (I personally think that was a BAD idea, barkeep!!! Being that YOU were serving MINORS not five minutes ago... I bet Kelly fired that guy SO fast!!!)
The evening ends with Jess being escorted home in a cop car. She gets off with a warning because she wasn't drinking and also because she's A FREAKIN' WAKEFIELD!!! The cop is Emily Mayer's uncle and he thinks Jess is Liz. She doesn't bother to correct him, and Caroline Pearce witnesses the entire ordeal. The rumors start to fly (and Phase One of SVC concludes).
Jess tries to set the story straight before school, but Liz is too busy obsessing over Todd (yes, STILL) to listen. She gets to school and wonders why everyone is staring at her. Even Bruce is impressed, so you know it's kind of a Big Deal!!! Enid approaches and spouts some BS about making mistakes and learning from them, but she quickly scurries off when Ronnie arrives. Good riddance. Ronnie is none-too-happy about what "Liz" did, and he makes his feelings known to Enid. Enid tries to stand up for Liz, but Ronnie won't hear of it. Who died and made him King of Judgement?!?!
All day, Liz gets weird stares and whispers. Even Mr. Collins is acting weird...well, weirder than usual. Liz calls him on it, and he tells her that there's some sort of issue with the school's football field, and that it will be important to the story later...
Liz goes home and calls Enid to discuss the weirdness. Enid tells her what's up, and Liz is PISSED at Jess. She waits for Jess to return home and, when she does, Liz forces Jess to explain herself. Jess is too busy crying to answer right away, so Liz decides to put her anger aside and meddle for a moment. Jess is upset because she has figured out what Steven's been hiding. Apparently, Big Brother has been creepin' around with Betsey Martin!!! Betsey Martin is a WHORE!!! And she isn't blonde, and she doesn't have a pool, and her mom is dead, and her dad is the town drunk!!! Oh, shit!!! NOOOO!!! That distracts Liz long enough for Jess to slip out SOME of the truth regarding her run-in with the law. Liz forgives Jess for ruining her image because Jess was out with Rick and not Todd. Okay then.
Meanwhile, Enid and Ronnie go out on a date. They drag Todd out with them. You see, Todd is upset because of the rumor about Liz. (Again, nobody even bothers to ASK for clarification on this...surely everybody's aware that Liz has a twin.) Ronnie is blissfully unaware of Todd's crush on Liz (yes, Todd is in love with LIZ today) and he brings up the incident. Enid jumps in to defend Liz, but Ronnie is a dick and he refuses to listen. He says that some things are unforgivable. (Wow, lighten up dude, or at least get the whole story before jumping to conclusions!!!) Enid shuts up and thinks to herself about the horrible secret that she's hiding from Ronnie. She knows he would think the same way about her if he knew about her police record and the horrible accident that they tell us about in book #2, so Enid vows to never tell Ronnie about that. And I don't really care!!! 1) It's NOT like Ronnie is some major prize or anything, and 2) Enid SUCKS!!!!
At school the following day, Liz is desperate to find Todd and set things straight. Sadly, she soon gets distracted by all of the drama surrounding the SVH football field. It seems that the school's lease on the land has expired (WTF?!?) and now George Fowler wants to buy it so he can build a factory for his silicon computer chips. In contrast, Bruce's family is fighting to preserve the land and build an English garden. The student body wants to save the football field, so they organize a sit-in. The entire school gangs up on both Bruce and Lila, and chaos ensues. Everybody yells, and insults are hurled. Liz steps in (of course) and Lila immediately tells her to STFU. (This is also Lila's first official SVH appearance!!!) Lila tells Liz -in front of EVERYBODY- that nobody cares what she has to say because everybody knows Liz is a wild slut who frequents Kelly's Roadhouse with the likes of Rick Andover!!! Bruce also jumps on Liz's case, telling her that everybody knows she's TRASH because her dad keeps sneaking around and working late with that "trampy broad" Marianna West (his sexy new assistant at the office, AKA- the reason Jess and Liz are suspicious of Mr. W.'s late nights at the office). Liz leaves them to their fighting and goes back to the safety of the Oracle office, replaying Bruce's words in her mind and growing even more suspicious of her father. (Damn, this book has A LOT of subplots!!!)
Todd observes all of this and tries to talk to Liz as she walks away. She isn't in the mood to explain herself to him, so she just ignores him. Jess approaches and tells Todd the truth because she can't stand Liz's sadness. Todd is an absolute idiot, and he thinks that Jess is just trying to cover for Liz. (He's known them since KINDERGARTEN, but yet he doesn't get that Jess = the bad one. I guess he didn't read the back of the book like I did!!!!) Todd kisses Jess in front of everybody and asks her to be his date for the dance.
When Liz hears of this, she is even more depressed. Bruce asks her to be his date for the dance, and she TURNS HIM DOWN!!!! What. A. Bitch!!!! Winston convinces her to go with him (as friends), and Liz reluctantly agrees. Win is so happy that he runs across campus "screaming like a deranged chimpanzee"...creepy!!!!
That evening, Liz is still upset and Jess is positively bursting with happiness. Steven comes home for dinner and all three of them sit around wondering where their parents are. During all of this, Jess confronts him about his secret affair with Betsey Martin, and Steven admits that he was actually dating TRICIA MARTIN. But it won't be an issue for the "perfect" Wakefield family because Steven couldn't bear the shame of dating someone from such a horrible, vile family and he and Tricia have broken up. Liz and Steven sit around and mope while Jessica bubbles over with happiness.
Finally, the day of the Big Dance arrives!!! Of course, the Droids are the musical entertainment. But Todd is too broken up over the whole Liz-is-a-slut thing to enjoy his date with Jess. Jess picks up on this, and it angers her. She feels insulted when the evening ends with a quick kiss on the cheek instead of some backseat fun sexy time at Miller's Point. She decides that NO MAN rejects Jessica Wakefield and she vows REVENGE!!!!
As soon as she enters the house, Jess runs to Liz and cries. In an effort to ruin Todd's image, she tells Liz that Todd tried to force her to do stuff with him. Liz -in a moment of Todd-esque awesomeness- threatens to kill Todd!!!! This satisfies Jess's desire for revenge and she goes to bed, pleased with herself for obliterating Liz's stupid crush on Todd. (Amazing that NOBODY brought THIS little incident up on their wedding day!!!)
Steven is unable to sleep. He continues to mope about the house. Finally, the parentals reappear and convince him to talk about it. As it turns out, they actually APPROVE of him and Tricia. Unlike their idiot children, Mr. and Mrs. W. are able to realize that Tricia has no control of her crappy life. It's not her fault that her mom is dead, or that her dad is a drunk, or even that her sister is such a fucking slut!!! Steven admits that it was stupid of him to let that interfere with his LOVE of Tricia and he decides to go and reclaim his love!!! He does this quite easily. (Poor Tricia, she should have at least smacked him for being such an ass!!!) On the way home, he sees his father's car driving down the street. Steven decides to follow his father home, but he's shocked when his father pulls into an unfamiliar driveway. Steven sees Mr. W. getting out of his car, accompanied by that trampy broad, Marianna!!!!
The following day, Liz is mad at the world. She hates Todd for what he did to Jess, and she avoids him entirely. He gets frustrated by this and calls her at home. He tells her that -get this shit- HE FORGIVES HER FOR GOING OUT WITH RICK AND DRINKING!!!! Rightfully so, Liz is PISSED that Todd is being such a self-righteous little prick (plus, she still thinks he tried to rape her sister). Liz hangs up on him and prepares to go to court the following day to cover the football field trial for the Oracle.
While in court, Liz is surprised to see that her father is representing SVH's side with the aid of none other than Marianna!!!! Of course, it's her duty as a reporter to be unbiased, so she is forced to write about that slut Marianna like she doesn't hate the homewrecking slut's stupid ugly guts. As the proceedings unfold, Liz is surprised to see that Marianna is doing all the lawyer-ing and presenting a very good case for the school. Of course, Team Wakefield is victorious and the judge immediately rules that the school is allowed to renew it's lease and keep their football field!!! Yay!!! Liz returns to school and announces the victory. The entire student body celebrates this by hoisting Liz onto their shoulders like a hero. Why?!?! I have no clue, it's not like she did anything... Of course, Liz gives most of the credit to Marianna.
Liz goes home and gushes to her mom about how wonderful her father was in court. Mrs. W. is already hard at work cooking a special celebration dinner. She even invited Marianna, and she tells Liz that Mr. W. has a special announcement. Liz automatically decides that he's decided to leave the family and hook up with Marianna. She IS a trampy broad, after all. Liz tells Jess about this and they both begin to worry. (Me, I just sit back and try to contain my frustration. This scenario is totally improbable, even in Sweet Valley!!!) Steven comes home and tells the twins that he's invited Tricia over for dinner, and now Jess and Liz are even more worried.
Of course, Mr. W. has the good sense not to inform his family of his cheating ways. Marianna is actually the new partner at his law firm!!!! (Way to sleep your way to success, Marianna!!!) Everybody is relieved by this news, and dinner goes very smoothly.
Since dinner wasn't satisfying enough for Liz, she meets up with Enid at the Dairi Burger. Todd is also there- with Emily Mayer!!! Liz acts like it doesn't bother her, but she secretly wants to cry. She finally has to admit to herself that -accused rapist or not- she has feelings for Todd. She decides to get over it and even goes out on a date with (the newly single) Ken Matthews. They're just FRIENDS, though, so Liz's heartbreak never fully fades...
One day sometime later, Rick Andover randomly shows up on Calico Drive. He's highly intoxicated and he forces both twins to go for a drive with him. He gets in the driver's seat and rolls the Fiat down the city streets with reckless abandon. He's on some crazy rant about the assholes at Kelly's and how they messed up his life by getting him arrested. He decides to go back and get his revenge! (Apparently, the guy who owns Kelly's bribed somebody somewhere to avoid losing his liquor license for serving minors...and the bartender has NOT been fired either.) As he drives like a crazy guy, he passes the Dairi Burger. A large crowd witnesses his craziness and Todd hops into his trusty Datsun to play the hero.
Todd chases Rick all the way to Kelly's and tries to stop him from raising hell. Rick throws a punch, and Todd retaliates. Todd easily kicks Rick's drunken ass and is rewarded with a kiss from Liz. Todd finally realizes that Jess was the one who got in trouble at Kelly's, and he feels like a tool for treating Liz like he did. Everything is quickly resolved, and Liz kisses Todd some more.
Liz finally breaks away from Todd long enough to yell at Jess for the whole Kelly's incident (wait, I thought she was over it when she learned Jess was out with Rick instead of Todd?). Jess apologizes and tells Liz that she only lied so she wouldn't be kicked off the cheerleading squad. (Even I think that was kind of shallow!!!) Liz knows that the cheer squad is the most important thing in Jess's life (obviously even more important than her twin sister...) and she quickly forgives Jess. But don't worry, Liz has already decided to teach Jess a lesson.
The following day, Liz puts her revenge plan into effect. She reclaims her tuxedo shirt from Jess's closet and "accidentally" spills water on Jess's outfit. Liz lends Jess a clean outfit and Todd drives them to school for some pep rally celebrating the football field. Everybody keeps confusing Liz and Jess, and Liz's plan is working!!!! Todd is her co-conspirator, and Liz quickly makes up an excuse to leave him alone with Jess (that was her first mistake!!!). Remember how I told you that Liz writes that secret gossip column for the Oracle? And how the writer gets thrown into the pool once his/her identity is revealed? Well, Liz remembers, and she suspects the Mr. Collins is the one who's behind the great revelation. (Insert tasteless comment re. Mr. Collins here!!!!) Liz keeps up the Jess charade and runs around telling everybody that "Liz" writes the column. Since Jess is dressed in Liz's clothes and standing with Todd (possibly making out or hugging...or worse) everyone surrounds her and throws her into the pool. She tries to protest, but everyone believes she's Liz!!! Liz and Todd sneak away from all of this and go off somewhere to makeout.
While all this unfolds, Enid is lurking about somewhere. She's thinking about her horrible secret...and setting up book #2 in the process. It promises to be a real snooze-fest, I can already tell!!!!

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Where were places like Kelly's Roadhouse when I was 16?
*Bruce = gorgeous.
*Enid = boring as hell. I dread book #2 immensely.

SVT Super Chiller #5 - The Curse of the Ruby Necklace

Intro:
Today's recap features one of my favorite Super Chillers- The Curse of the Ruby Necklace. It was published in June of 1993 and it was one of the first SVT books I ever read. I re-read it several times and I remember that it featured one of my favorite characters -ROBIN!!!! I really loved the books about her and Stacey (who is mysteriously omitted from this book entirely). Again, Jamie Suzanne is credited as the author, but after reading this book, I am positive that this is NOT the same ghostwriter that wrote the others I've read recently. Proof of this is everywhere...Liz is SUPER stupid in this one, and she only cries ONCE. That is NOT the Liz I know. Plus, only TWO meals are mentioned (although there are numerous mentions of cake and ice cream throughout).

Cover Reaction:
The twins are at the beach, and it appears to be storming. I believe Jess is the one in the purple top. She appears not to have a bellybutton, and she's holding the ruby necklace. In the background we can see a large house on a cliff, plus a flash of lightning. Super chilling.

Recap:
We begin with Jess and Liz taking a stroll on the beach. Jess spots a glittering object in the sand and "pounces" on it. She nearly gets swept out to sea by a large wave, but she manages to retrieve the object. It's a necklace covered in dirt and barnacles (Jess tells us this, although I wonder how she knows what barnacle are since Liz has no idea later in the book and it has to get explained to her). Ewwww. She puts it in her pocket and refuses to show it to the ever-curious Liz. Instead, she drags Liz down the beach. It seems a movie is being filmed at the creepy old mansion on the cover of the book. The creepy mansion is also known as the Keller Mansion, and it's been abandoned for years. Movie crews and some Hollywood people have recently started pre-production and Jess is desperate to be in the movie. Liz follows along after Jess points out that she can write about the movie for the Sixers. Liz warns Jess not to expect to simply walk on the set and be offered a part in the movie. Of course, that's exactly what happens.
As soon as they arrive, they meet the director, Becka Silver. She is THRILLED to see them, and she immediately casts them as extras in the movie. And, because of child labor laws, Jess and Liz will be playing one part (like Mary-Kate and Ashley on Full House). Coincidentally, the movie is about a 12 year old girl named Lillian. The title is "Dead Little Rich Girl", and I think that sounds awesome. Liz, of course, is unsure. She doesn't want to act, but Jess again reminds her that she can write about it for the Sixers, so Liz gives in and Jess is free to dream about becoming a movie star.
Now, I'm no expert, but I imagine being an EXTRA in some random movie is not going to help that dream very much. I was an extra in a couple movies as a child, and just look at me now... Anyways, Jess is even more thrilled when she learns that the movie stars a girl by the name of Shawn Brockaway. Apparently, Shawn used to be on a TV show that sucked, and she was in a music video once. In Jess's mind, this girl is on the same level as like Selena Gomez or iCarly (or maybe even the fantastic creation that is ASHLEY TISDALE...*worships*), but none of the adults seem very thrilled about Shawn being in the movie. My memory is fuzzy, but I seem to remember Shawn = Megabitch.
As they toddle home, a storm rolls in and thunder echoes all down the beach. Jess gets frightened and she accidentally drops the necklace. For some reason, she can't bear the thought of losing it, so she dives into the rushing waves and grabs it. She almost gets swept out to sea YET AGAIN, but she saves herself just in time. The twins manage to make it home safely and Jess immediately begins to work on cleaning up the necklace. She devotes several hours to this, and everybody is shocked that she isn't blabbing about the movie role.
Jess finally takes a break from her obsessive necklace cleaning and Mr. W. examines the necklace. It's silver and it has a large red stone in the center (plus some smaller stones that are still dirty as hell). Mr. W. says that, if he wasn't such a super genius totally prominent attorney, he would think the stone was a ruby. Mrs. W. says that it's just an old costume piece. Liz is an idiot in this book (I think I've told you that before, but I just enjoy saying it!!!) and she asks what "costume jewelry" is. (See, proof that someone else wrote this book...Normally, Liz would be explaining this to Jess.) Mrs. W. explains the concept, and now I totally remember that this book is where I learned about jewelry being made from paste. We have a large sign at my place of employment that reads "COSTUME JEWELRY", and I automatically think of this book every time I see it.
Anyways, Jess goes back to hoarding her dirty "fake" necklace. As she picks at the dirt, she uncovers a smaller, perfectly clear stone. She thinks about how it looks like a diamond, but she know it probably isn't. (Since WHEN is JESS the logical twin?!?!) Still, she refuses to let Liz see it, thinking that Liz will want it for herself if she lays eyes on it. (Relax, Jess, it's not like the necklace is TODD or anything...) Jess puts the filthy necklace under her pillow and falls asleep clutching it. Since it is in fact a CURSED necklace, we now get to read about Jess's dreams...
Jess dreams she's falling backwards and clutching desperately at air, trying to save herself. Storm clouds hover above and lightning illuminates the sky above her. She sees a face and a hand reaching for her. A voice shouts in triumph... Suddenly, Jess is no longer falling. She's running upstairs and she feels like something is horribly wrong. See sees a box of jewels, and a hand reaching into the box... Then she goes back to falling, this time noticing the sharp rocks below before waking up her entire family with her screams.
The next morning, Jess is excited to go to school and brag about her role in the movie. She puts on a pair of sunglasses and tucks the necklace into her backpack before leaving. At school, Lila is MAD. It seems everybody in the Unicorn Club has been breaking into her locker and borrowing her mousse. I am appalled that the most fashion-conscious girls at SVMS are using MOUSSE on DRY hair. The horror!!!! Their poor hair must be so crunchy-looking...unless Lila has a blowdryer in her locker, which is entirely likely now that I think about it. Either way, Lila is bitching up a storm and Jess is unable to brags about her newfound stardom. Janet Howell comes up and tells the Unicorns about the movie, and the open auditions for extras. Jess again tries to brag, but nobody is listening. Dejected, Jess goes into the bathroom and works on cleaning the necklace yet again. She gets so into it that she misses half of first period.
The following day, the entire Unicorn Club (plus Liz and Maria Slater) goes to the Keller mansion to audition for the movie. Jess makes a big deal about cutting to the front of the line, and everybody is super impressed when they learn that Liz and Jess are already hired. Plus, Liz and Jess are in multiple scenes WITH TWO WHOLE LINES!!!! Their character is named Luella and she's the neighbor's daughter, but the REAL stars of the movie are two other 12 year-old girls. The movie is a murder mystery set in the 1940's, and poor Lila is rejected by the casting people because her face is too contemporary. Mandy and -OF COURSE- Maria (she used to be a child star, I remember) are also cast as extras. Maria mentions that Becka Silver used to be an actress, because Maria knows EVERYTHING. She really annoys me in this book...we'll get to that later.
That night, Jess again has a dream. This time, she's wearing old black leather shoes (which Jess would never be caught dead in, so she knows it's a dream this time). Dream Jess tries to scream and run away from... something, but she's frozen in place. She sees that damn hand in the jewel box again, and observes that something isn't right about it, but she doesn't know exactly what yet. Suddenly, she is able to run again. She does, and feels really angry for some unexplained reason. And then she's falling again. Jess wakes up frightened, and she feels compelled to look at the necklace before going back to sleep. She has now unearthed 6 round, clear stones.
The next day is the second-to-last day of class before SPRING BREAK!!! Liz anxiously waits for the end of the day (SO out-of-character) and Jess is a zombie at school. Liz watches Jess fall asleep in class and signals to Lila to wake her. Of course, Lila is still mad at Jess for getting that super sweet, non-paying role as an extra, so Lila ignores Liz and lets Jess go about her nap. Jess has another nightmare and wakes up screaming. The teacher is creeped out by this, and the fact that Jess looks like shit because she didn't get her required 10 hours of sleep. Jess gets sent home for the day, and Liz ends up having to bring all of Jess's stuff home for her. She grabs Jess's backpack and goes to the library to do some research. I guess that explains why Liz was so anxious for school to end...she wanted to start her spring break off with some RESEARCH...
Liz discovers an old newspaper article from March of 1939. She reaches into Jess's backpack for note-taking supplies and finds the necklace. For some reason, Liz decides that the necklace will be safer in her pocket than in Jess's backpack. (I imagine that, judging from the way Jess treats all of her surroundings, that Liz is probably right.) Liz continues to read the article, cheerfully titled "Keller Heiress Dies In Fatal Accident". We learn that, during a party celebrating her 12th birthday, Lillian Keller died tragically when she fell off of a balcony. Before her tragic demise, Miss. Keller had been seen fighting with another 12 year-old girl, Hilda Tomlinson. Hilda was Lillian's cousin and an orphan that Lillian's parents had taken in. Proving again how BRILLIANT she is, Liz begins to wonder if the movie being filmed at the Keller mansion has something to do with Lillian's death. I'm pretty sure she's on to something here, since we've only been told this (only not in so many words) like 137 times so far and we're less than 50 pages into the story... What. A. Dumbass.
Liz goes home and finds Jess in perfect health, talking about parties and cake. Liz thinks she's crazy at first, but then Jess stops long enough to inform her that their script arrived. Liz is also excited, but her face falls when she sees that they were only given one page of the script. She's upset about this, but I would like to remind her that giving a complete, 100+ page script to someone who only has TWO lines in a film is a complete waste of paper and natural resources and shit...so she can just STFU for all I care!!! Liz is dejected because now she'll never know anything about the plot of the movie except for their lines...
(In case you care, Line #1 is something about enjoying a party, but Line #2 is sort of important to the story...it's something to the effect of "Don't leave! We still have to cut the cake!") While reading that one page script, Liz sees the names "Lillian" and "Hilda", and that confirms her theory. (Lillian and Hilda will be referred to as "Hil" and "Lil" from now on in this recap.) Liz remembers the necklace in her pocket and tries to return it to Jess. Jess has apparently had a change of heart, because she tells Liz that she no longer wants it. Liz suddenly wants it really bad, and Jess seems relieved when Liz asks if she can have it.
Liz takes her new obsession into her bedroom and decides to take a nap. Of course, she has a nightmare...
Dream Liz is wearing an old fashioned dress and fighting with a girl who has brown pigtails. (So we can probably safely assume that pigtail girl is EVIL since she isn't BLONDE...) Dream Liz gets angry and runs upstairs as thunder echoes throughout the house. She hears a girl call out that she can't leave because there's ICE CREAM!!!! Upstairs she sees -what else?!?!- the creepy jewel-box-hand combo!!!! O. M. F. G.!!!! She stares at it and thinks to herself, "Strange, there are only four..." before she gets to the falling part of the dream. *Sigh*
Liz awakens and realizes that the first part of the dream is the exact same as the script page, except for Jess's cake line being replaced by ICE CREAM. She logically assumes that reading the script before sleeping caused the dream.
Jess wakes up that same morning, feeling terrific. She had a great night's sleep, but her stomach feels like it hasn't had food in days. (52 pages, to be exact...more proof of a different ghostwriter masquerading as Jamie Suzanne...) Jess goes downstairs and devours 2 bowls of Corny-O's (didn't they end up in a Corny-O's commercial later in the series? Weird coincidence...) before Liz even wakes up. In the entire history of the world, Jess has NEVER woken up before Liz, so Jess is suspicious and wonders why Liz looks so unrested. Mrs. W. doesn't notice (of course), and she announces that ROBIN is coming to visit for spring break!!!! Yay!!!! I think I'm more excited than the twins!!!! Jess is thrilled, but Liz has turned into a zombie, so she doesn't really care.
Liz goes to school and asks the science teacher about cleaning the necklace. She's afraid to show the teacher the necklace for fear that teach will want it for herself, so she lies and says she's cleaning an old bottle that she found on the beach. The teacher explains that the stuff on the bottle is barnacles (oddly, Liz again has NO idea what that means...even JESS knew that one!!! I guess the curse of the necklace is that it makes you a dumbass) and tells Liz the names of two chemicals that she can use to clean it. Liz stays after school and waits until everyone has left before sneaking into the science room. She thinks about how she could get expelled for it, but her desire to clean the necklace is too strong. (I doubt she has anything to worry about...Simply being Elizabeth Wakefield has gotten her out of much stickier situations...) Liz cleans as best she can, and she makes some progress on the stones. She uncovers 3 more round stones (for a total of 9), but the big red one falls out as she lifts the necklace out of the solution. She discovers that one of the prongs has been broken, and she notices that the necklace has been engraved with the initials J.K.T. Liz glues the necklace back together and runs to meet Jess at the mansion.
While on set, Liz and Jess get measured for wardrobe and meet the producer. His name is Rolf, and that reminds me of the dog from the Muppet Babies...so I am now picturing the twins talking to an animated dog that wears a diaper. I think I'll go with that mental image, because this book is not as good as I remember and at least THAT is making me laugh. Liz is surprised to see that the set is very disorganized and that the crew is messy. She expresses this though (of course), and a man standing behind her agrees with her. This dude seems like a real creeper to me. He's old, and wearing overalls (OMG, does he shop at the same store as that damn belltower ghost from the last Super Chiller?!?!), and he has one hand in his pocket. Of course, the other one is flicking a cigarette. Seriously!!! I did NOT make that up, and I now know where Alanis got that line from. Dude's name is Harold Brooks and he's a lighting technician.
The twins finish up their day on set and, when they get home, Robin is waiting for them!!!! ABOUT DAMN TIME!!!! I could hug her for showing up and -hopefully- pulling this book out of Boring-Land. I wonder if she has an extra cigarette I can borrow... Jess tells her all about the movie, and Liz continues to act like a stoned zombie. Robin wonders what the hell is up with that, but Liz just starts babbling about her nightmares and the Hil and Lil article she read. Jess mentions that she had similar nightmares a few days prior, and Robin talks about dreams and how they might actually be memories.
The next day, they all go to the mansion. Jess makes Robin watch her getting her makeup done (Jess learns all about how movie makeup is not like regular makeup, pretty fascinating stuff!!!) and Liz follows Becka around the set. (I'm sure Becka just LOVES having a nosy little shadow when she's trying to work...NOT!!!) Becka is actually pretty cool, even though she does tell us the Hil/Lil story YET AGIN!!! She also elaborates, saying that Hil pushes Lil off of the balcony after their fight and that Hil was then sent to a hospital for disturbed children. Nobody ever heard from Hil again, so they all just assumed that she dies. Liz takes careful notes on all of this, and suggests that Becka give her a FULL copy of the script so she can write a really awesome article. Because it's essential to the plot, Becka agrees to give Liz a full copy. I guess she isn't worried about seeing spoilers on the internet, being that this is 1993...but still, Liz could go and write about it in her stupid Sixers...
Meanwhile, Jess has finished getting her makeup done. She's on set in the ballroom and now we get to learn about blocking and positioning because Shawn Brockaway (the actress playing Lil) is being a bitch. Shawn is yelling at EVERYBODY, but once the cameras start to roll she is absolutely perfect. This scene involves it being Lil's birthday, so Shawn's opening gifts, one of which is a special gift from her mother. She gets all her scenes in one shot, and she gets very upset when other people make mistakes. Sadly, Jess has to deliver her two lines during all of this, and she messes up the "cake line" by saying ice cream instead (you know, like in Liz's dream...) and Shawn blows up at her before stalking off set to her trailer. Becka calls it a wrap, and Jess wants to know why they're filming a totally different scene immediately afterwards. Maria (the one who knows everything about movies) explains that movies are NOT shot in order, and that Jess will have no idea what the movies is about (outside of her own scenes) until she sees the finished film in the theater. Jess is shocked to learn that she has to read the ENTIRE script (not just one page, *sigh*) to learn what happens.
Apparently, Shawn continued her rampage throughout the day. She yells at one of the extras and bullies her into quitting. Which leaves an open extra role for -hands up if you didn't see this coming!!!- ROBIN!!!! Becka also sends a full script home with Liz, and Jess and Robin order her to go read it. They don't care much about Liz's zombie-like state or necklace obsession (yes, she's still under it's spell), they just want to know what was in the box that Lil/Shawn got from her mother.
I cannot believe that they have NOT figured it out yet... I mean, did they even bother to look at the cover or the title?!?! It's pretty freakin' obvious that the necklace has something to do with all of this...
Liz obediently reads the script. It seems that the gift Lil received from her mother had belonged to Hil's mother before she died, but Lil's mother had inherited it and given it to Lil as a birthday gift. This pissed Hil off (as it should!!!), and Lil ended up running away from the party... This all follows pretty much the same story as the dreams... Hand in box, Lil on balcony, slipping, falling, ect. As Lil slips from the balcony, a hand rips the necklace from her throat and she sees a face hovering over her. As she falls to her death, she looks up and sees a 4-fingered hand holding the necklace...
IT WAS A DREAM!!!!! Liz wakes up crying (yes, this IS the FIRST time she's cried ALL book!!!! WOW, a new record) and grabs the necklace. She realizes now that it might be THE necklace, and rationalizes this by showing Jess and Robin that she has NOT read that far into the script yet. Robin flips through the script and discovers that the gift was -in fact- a platinum and ruby necklace. Robin is still skeptical, but Jess and Liz decide that Lil must have sent the necklace to them, and now she's trying to tell them something...
To test their theory, Liz and Jess forced Robin to take possession of the necklace to see if she has the same hand-box-falling dreams that they've had. Sadly, we have to wait a little bit to see if it works because it is now morning, and they've got a movie to make!!!! Well, Jess and Robin have a movie to make. Despite the fact that Becka was SO desperate to hire twins, Liz has yet to do anything other than follow Becka around, which she promptly proceeds to do as soon as she arrives on set. Becka is probably SUPER annoyed by this by now, so she makes up some excuse to ditch Liz. While Becka is busy with her "meeting" (likely story!!!), Liz explores the Keller mansion. It's exactly the same as the house in her dreams, so she has no trouble finding the upstairs bedroom. After reading the script, Liz now knows that the bedroom belongs to Mrs. Keller. She pokes around amid the typical movie set junk (lights, cables, all sorts of things that could be potentially hazardous to a 12 year-old) and suddenly realizes that she isn't alone. Mr. Brooks, the creepy old man she met on her first day on set, is randomly hanging out in the bedroom. He still has his hand in his pocket (hmmm, I wonder why...) and that kind of creeps me out, but I'll let it pass...for now, at least. He feels the need to explain himself to Liz and gives her some BS story about how he comes up here to sneak cigarette breaks. (Again, likely story. *sigh* I'm SO bored!!!! Screw this shit, I'm going to find BRUCE!!!! Where's he at?!?!) Mr. Brooks complains about how the "Hollywood types" downstairs are all health conscious and disapproving of his habit, so he is forced to hide in order to smoke in peace. Liz laughs with him (but does NOT lecture him...very out-of-character, no? Again proving my theory that this was not written by the usual ghostwriter) and watches as he pulls his cigarettes out of his other pocket (the one without his 4 fingered-hand in it...ooops!!!). He tries to open the pack and take one out using only one hand, and Liz considers helping him. Again, proving my theory!!!! The Liz I know would NEVER help somebody in a situation where CIGARETTES were involved!!! I think that crosses the line, even for her!!!!
Liz takes mental notes on all of this and goes downstairs to watch the scene being filmed. (Me, I would have stayed and smoked a nice, refreshing Marlboro with Mr. Brooks...) It's time for Jess's BIG scene. (And by big I mean the one where she gets to say her TWO lines!!!!) Of course, Shawn is back in her Megabitch Mode, so filming is delayed yet again. Not helping matters much is the fact that Jess is STILL getting the "cake line" confused with the "ice cream line" from the dream. Becka is getting very frustrated by Shawn's bitchery and Jess's terrible acting, so she decides to relax her nerves with -wait for it!!!- a CIGARETTE!!! Oh no!!! But I thought those "Hollywood types" had anti-smoking rules... Mr. Brooks has some 'splaining to do!!!! (And apparently Becka thinks it's perfectly acceptable to light up in a room full of 12 year-olds. Even I, a smoker since the young age of 12, have a problem with this.) Becka feels Liz's contemptuous eyes upon her, and she gives us some BS about how she actually hates smoking, and it's all Shawn's fault because she's SO impossible to work with... Yes, this woman feels the need to justify her actions to this 12 year-old child!!! Liz simply gives Becka a scowl (yes, a SCOWL) and says that SHE would NEVER touch one of "those things". (Forget what I said earlier, Becka, light that cigarette and blow a nice smoke cloud right into her smug little face!!!) Becka does not take my advice, and that one disapproving look from Liz is enough for Becka to 86 the cigarette idea. Becka even goes one step further and promises that she will never smoke again. (My guess is that she then ran for the nearest exit as soon as Liz was distracted.)
Jess and Maria use the filming delay to hate on Shawn. Jess is getting SO tired of Shawn being so obnoxious, and Maria agrees with her to an extent. Maria tells Jess that it's not uncommon for child stars to act like, well, children and that even she -the AMAZING MARIA- threw a few tantrums in her superstar days. Jess is surprised by this, but I have no trouble believing it. Jess quickly gets bored talking to Maria, so she walks around the room and looks at the props. A few framed photos on the mantle catch her eye, and she's especially drawn to the one of Mrs. Keller in her wedding dress. While Jess is staring stupidly at the photos, Shawn storms back on set and Maria totally chooses that moment to call Shawn out for being a bitch. (I'm sure Becka was THRILLED that Maria chose that moment to pick a fight with her easily-upset star... Oh wait, Becka is probably outside smoking those cancer sticks one after another.) Shawn calls Maria "washed-up" and gives her shit about being an extra, but Maria is already over it. Becka (oh, there she is!) fuels the fire even more by praising Maria for helping Jess with her stupid "cake line", and also for being so easy to work with. Unlike SOME people...*cough* Shawn *cough*. Shawn gives Maria an evil look and goes about her business, being perfect and nailing everything on the first take. (BTW, that is SO not possible!!! Even the best actors and the best directors need to do multiple takes of everything for different lighting and camera and editing stuff.)
As the cameras roll, Liz watches from off-camera. This time, Lil/Shawn opens the box and reveals the necklace. Liz observes how it's similar to the one Jess found, but it's also very different. She asks Becka how she knew what the necklace looked like, and Becka admits that she had to guess because there were no photos of it and it was never found. As Becka tells her this, Liz is also keeping an eye on Mr. Brooks. He's returned from his secret smoke and is now adjusting lights on the set. He's using both hands, and Liz again thinks that there's something odd about him, but she's just too damn stupid to figure it out!!!! Plus, the book is only like half over...damn.
Jess watches the scene as Hil and Lil's fight is played out. She's surprised that a bitch like Shawn is able to cry real tears and act so emotional as soon as the camera starts to roll. Shawn does her part perfectly, but of course Jess again goes and fucks up the entire scene by messing up that damn "cake line"!!! Shawn is PISSED, of course, and she is not shy about letting everyone know how stupid she thinks Jess is. And, as per usual, the day ends with Shawn storming back into her trailer and refusing to work. I am almost starting to feel a little bad for Shawn here. The poor child is obviously an emotional wreck, and possibly bipolar, and I have yet to see a single adult figure (other than Becka) interact with her. Seriously, where are her PARENTS?!?! Are they too busy blowing her paychecks to notice that she is acting out like this?!
That evening, the necklace (remember that? I feel like I've been talking about that damn movie and all of it's on-set action for like 5 days now...) seems to have a hold over Robin. She's managed to clean it a little more, and now the clasp is functional. She goes to sleep WEARING the necklace. Of course, she has a similar nightmare and the twins try desperately to wake her. For some reason, she is nearly impossible to wake up, but Jess finally accomplishes the task by throwing ice water in her face. Liz and Jess believe that, since Robin actually wore the necklace, it had a stronger hold over her. Whatever, guys, whatever!!!! I stopped caring about 20 pages ago. Robin tells them that she saw a man in her dream, and Hilda standing above her as she fell. Spooky.
They return to the Keller mansion for yet another day of filming. (Really?!?! It takes them an entire week to film ONE scene as an EXTRA?!?! The longest I ever spent on set as an extra was about 12 hours total over 2 days...) Shawn is STILL pouting in her trailer, so Becka teaches the girls about "rushes". (No, they're not rushing Phi Beta Alpha, sorry to say. These rushes are just a fancy name for the film they shot they day before.) As they watch the ballroom scene, they notice that a strange girl is on the film, but nobody saw her on the set when they were filming. AND none of the adults seem to notice her... So obviously, strang girl = ghost. As the girls watch, Ghost Girl puts her hand on the shoulder of the actress playing Hilda and points to the photos on the mantle before pointing back to "Hil". Jess remembers looking at the photos on the mantle, and she informs Liz and Robin that Ghost Girl is pointing at the photo of Mrs. Keller in her wedding dress.
Liz thinks that Ghost Girl is trying to tell them something, but she can't figure out what. Jess thinks about it for like 5 seconds, and then informs Liz that Ghost Girl is obviously trying to say that Hilda got married. How she drew that conclusion, I have no clue, but it seems like a logical theory.
Liz drags Jess and Robin to the library and forces them to look up old wedding announcements of some microfilm (whatever that is?) thingy. After several hours, they discover that Hilda married a man by the name of Mr. Zalanski in 1947. Apparently, Hil did NOT die after being released from the home for crazy children on her 18th birthday, but everybody involved in researching the film was too stupid to figure this out. Or maybe they didn't care enough to actually do any research at all... The wedding announcement even mentions the names of Hil's deceased parents- Jane Kaella and Paxton Tomlinson. (Hmmm... J.K.T. = initials on necklace = Hilda's mom.) Of course, Hilda Zalanski still lives in Sweet Valley, conveniently within view of the Keller mansion no less!!! Wow, those movie people must have been complete idiots in the research department.
Liz writes a long, rambling note to her parents before they go off to find Hilda. I have no idea what the point of this was, especially since they probably wouldn't have cared either way, but I did laugh at the P.S. added by Robin. She thinks Liz and Jess are crazy, but she's going with because she doesn't want to be accused of chickening out on them. Ha, I love that Robin!!! So far, she is the ONLY redeeming part of this book.
They go off on their quest to locate Hil and are pleasantly surprised to see that she lives in a quaint little cottage and she looks like every other grandmommy in the world. Of course, Hil drops the sweet act as soon as Liz -stupidly, IMO- tells her that Lil sent them. She yells at them to leave her alone and let her die in peace, but then Liz brings up that damn necklace and how the initials match Hil's mother's. That changes Hil's opinion of her visitors and she ushers them inside. I hope she has cookies or cake or something, because I've only counted one meal so far in this book, so I assume Jess and Liz are nearly starving to death at this point. Plus, I could go for a ginger snap right about now.
We never find out if Hil has cake, but she does tell us more of the necklace's backstory. (Not that I care at this point!!!) It seems that, yes, the necklace did belong to Hil's mother, but Lil's mother (her sister) inherited it when she dies. Mrs. Keller had no idea that the necklace had so many memories and meant so much to Hil, so she gave it to Lil as a gift for her 12th birthday. (Really, that is a messed-up thing to do!!!! She should have at least ASKED the poor orphan girl if she could give her spoiled, non-orphan daughter the damn necklace...) See, Hil was always jealous of Lil because Lil had a family and people who loved her and money and all that, while all poor Hil had was a stupid aunt who thoughtlessly gave away something that should have rightfully belonged to Hil. Hil and Lil fought often, but deep down Hil really did love Lil and they were almost like sisters, but this incident was too much for poor Hil to handle. That's why Hil fought with Lil at the party, and also why Hil immediately ran upstairs after Lil to apologize. Sadly, she was too late and Lil was already dangling from the balcony when she reached the bedroom. Hil tried desperately to reach for her arm, but Lil fell quickly and Hil was left on the balcony holding the ripped sleeve of Lil's dress. Of course, Hil never bothered to tell anybody this (until two nosy 12 year-old twins appeared on her doorstep one magical afternoon in 1993...) and yet she is surprised to learn that SHE is the murderer in the movie version. (Me, I would have at least ATTEMPTED to clear my name sometime in the last 50 years, just sayin'.) Hil swears that she would never push Lil, and then she tells us some more of the story...
After Lil fell, Hil stood frozen in shock on the balcony. The chauffeur, Harry Dennison, suddenly ran into the room and began to scream for help. Everybody rushed in and saw Hil on the balcony and just assumed that she was responsible. She was sent to the home for psychotic children, and stayed there until she was released on her 18th birthday. After that, she got married and traveled the world, but she felt compelled to return to Sweet Valley after her husband died. (I wonder what happened to him...) Liz and Jess believe her, and then Liz starts her interrogation. Something in Hil's story jumped out at her...the name HARRY!!!! (As in, Harold Brooks.) Liz asks Hil for more info about Harry, and Hil obliges. It seems that Harry was young (18) and handsome and well-liked by the family. Hil and Lil both had crushes on him, and he often told them that he would someday be rich like them. He was also terribly vain, and -wait for it- HE ALWAYS KEPT ONE HAND IN HIS POCKET!!!! Because, you see, Harry only had FOUR fingers. (Wow, Hil manages to ONLY give us info that is relevant to our story!!! I challenge you to find another grandma-type that can do that!!!!) Of course, Harry was the one whose testimony ended up incriminating Hil. He claimed he was walking past in the hallway when he heard screams and looked inside to see Hil pushing Lil to her death...
Now that they know all of this, Liz believes that she has a pretty good idea of what is going on. FINALLY!!! But of course, Liz has to be 100% sure that Harold Brooks is in fact Harry Dennison, so they return to the Keller mansion. The crew is setting up a large air mattress on the rocks below the balcony in preparation for the final day of shooting. (ALREADY?!?! This movie only took about 5 days to film by my count.) The film will wrap in 2 days and Jess is again confused by the fact that they are shooting a scene that takes place BEFORE the scenes they have already shot. This scene involves all of the extras "milling around" at the beginning of the party and pretending to eat food. Jess is yet again confused by the fact that the food is fake (it's made of wax so it doesn't spoil), and I try to refrain from crying because this stupid book is taking about 200 times longer to recap than I expected. (I think I will be going back to recapping the TV episodes very soon... At least the TV show has BRUCE in it. I really miss him!!!) Back to the story, I'll give you three guesses what Shawn is up to at the moment...yes, she's having ANOTHER tantrum. (And now I really do feel bad for this girl. Why isn't Liz meddling in HER life?!?! Damn you, ghostwriter!!!) And, in case you care, Liz is now stalking Mr. Brooks as he too "mills" about the mansion. As she wanders around, she gets tangled up in the cable on the floor (see, I told you they would pose a hazard) and causes an overhead light to break free. I wait for it to crush her, but Mr. Brooks quickly swoops in and saves her - USING BOTH HANDS. Liz is now positive that she has her man, so now she is free to come up with a plan...
Her plan is pretty damn stupid if you ask me. She convinces Jess and Robin to hide in the mansion after the crew has left and then they sneak into Mrs. Keller's bedroom. Liz opens the balcony doors and dangles over the side (awesome!!!), Jess and Robin try to reach her, but they are unsuccessful, proving that it would have been impossible for Hil to save Lil (I guess). Liz climbs back up and sets up Harry's version of events inside the bedroom. Since they know from the dreams that Harry was pillaging the jewelry box, Liz begins to wonder why he would do such a thing. Robin must be as bored by all of this as I am, because she quickly tells Liz that Harry was OBVIOUSLY stealing jewels when Lil caught him in the act. Robin wanders out into the hallway and informs Liz that it is impossible to see into the bedroom from the hallway, so Harry was obviously lying. (I guess even the 1940's SVPD was incompetent. I would think that somebody would have reenacted Harry's version of events at some point and discovered this...) So now Liz is positive that Hil was telling the truth and that 4-fingered Harry is the REAL murderer. Suddenly, somebody busts into the room!!!
Sadly, it isn't 4-fingered Harry wielding an axe and carrying a grudge. It's just Becka and Tony, the security guy. They came up to investigate because they saw that the lights were on as they were leaving. Liz quickly tells Becka the entire story (and this is probably the first time in SV history that they involve an adult in their plans) and Becka listens. She doesn't think Liz is crazy when she mentions the necklace or the dreams or the Ghost Girl. Becka is a very open-minded woman and Liz obviously has her wrapped around her grubby little finger, so Becka agrees to help with their plan. When she learns that Mr. Brooks is their main suspect, she agrees that he is quite shady. It seems that Mr. Brooks worked as a lighting tech for 30 years, but retired 10 years ago. He randomly showed up when they began renovating the house for the movie, and he begged Becka to hire him. He even volunteered to work for free (which should have raised a red flag, but Becka was just impressed by his dedication to the project). A few days after the final copies of the scripts were delivered, one copy went missing, and Becka found Mr. Brooks reading it like a man possessed. (Again, RED FLAG...) She thought he was just super into the project, but she now agrees that he was only hanging around to make sure nobody ever found out the truth. Because the best way to accomplish that is to return to the scene of the crime and act like a total creeper...*sarcasm*
The following day (the last day of shooting), the girls again review the rushes with Becka. They're again searching for the Ghost Girl (who we can now safely assume is Lillian Keller), but only Robin is able to fully see her on film. Liz and Jess cannot see her as clearly. Liz theorizes that this is because Robin has worn the necklace most recently, and that the power of the necklace wanes over time. This really doesn't matter though, because Ghost Girl Lillian is holding up four fingers and nodding to Robin, so Mission Accomplished!!!! Of course, Liz is already formulating a plan to stop him...
As Liz mulls over her plan, Jess and Robin head to the ballroom to shoot the final party scene. There's a 5 foot tall cake -a REAL one!!! the wax one melted- but Shawn is being...Shawn, so nothing gets accomplished and everybody goes home for the night. Liz, Jess, and Robin hide in the wardrobe room and Becka pretends to leave as well. Becka asks Mr. Brooks to re-adjust all of the lights for the final scene, and he agrees to work late to accomplish this. Liz and Robin quickly help Jess into one of Shawn's Lillian costumes before smearing her entire body with makeup. She now looks like the ghost of Lil. Liz adds the ruby necklace to the ensemble as the final touch and Jess "floats" into the room when Mr. Brooks is working. She lures him upstairs to the bedroom (and I felt really wrong typing that) and he immediately reaches into the jewelry box on the dresser. (I wonder why exactly, being that they are most likely PROPS...Maybe he likes shiny things as much as I do.) It starts to storm outside (so you know some bad shit is about to go down) and Jess tells Mr. Brooks that he can hide no longer, because she -Lil- is BACK and she is PISSED!!!!
Of course, Mr. B sees right through this little plan and he quickly locks her in the room. Becka, Tony the rent-a-cop, Jess, and Robin are watching the scene unfold via a two-way mirror. (Again?!?! Why are there ALWAYS two-way mirrors?!?! Oh wait, they have a camera setup behind it for filming. That explains it.) Mr. B/Harry forces Jess out on to the balcony, all the while gloating to himself that he finally has that damn necklace!!! It's worth MILLIONS!!!! And he WON'T drop it this time!!!! (Lesson learned: Always keep valuable items in your 5-fingered hand...or something.) He lunges for the necklace and Jess falls over the railing toward the jagged rocks below.
Oh yeah, remember a few chapters ago when they were setting up the massive air bags to film the falling stunt? Those are still in place!!! Jess survives and Tony the rent-a-cop is finally able to break into the bedroom. But not before Mr. B/Harry falls victim to the Curse of the Ruby Necklace!!! As he holds it, Liz and Becka hear him having an argument with some unseen entity. It must be a powerful one (and I wish they had used an EVP recorder...), because Harry quickly realizes that he's BUSTED!!!! He drops the necklace to the floor and Tony arrests him. Curse broken. Mystery solved. SarahLynn's sanity restored!!!!
Of course, we still have to wrap up that nasty little Shawn subplot... The final day of filming arrives and it's time for the cake scene!!! Luckily, Jess has already done the scene with that damn "cake line" 437 times, so all she has to do today is mill around some more. Shawn has undergone a 180 overnight and she's being nice to everyone and not throwing any tantrums. Okay, I lied, Shawn is STILL being Bitchy McBitcherson, and Jess's anger is beginning to boil over. Every time Shawn opens her vile little mouth, Jess grows angrier and angrier. Shawn goes over the top when she learns that Becka is re-writing half the movie (so much for the final day of filming, haha!!!) because the story is obviously wrong and Hilda is the real star. Shawn continues to be intolerable throughout the scene, and Jess has finally had enough. She walks right up to the massive cake in the middle of the scene and throws a handful at Shawn. Soon all of the extras have followed suit, and Becka is laughing her ass off while the cameras roll. Becka refuses to stop filming because she knows how vain Shawn is, and she can now blackmail Shawn for life with this shit. (OMG, blackmailing a 12 year-old who obviously has issues already?!?! What is wrong with this woman?)
Oh yeah, one more thing remains to be wrapped up. Becka informs Liz that Mr. B/Harry confessed everything to the police and Hil's name has finally been cleared. Hil shows up on set after the filming has ended, and Becka has arranged a special screening for her. Liz gives Hil her necklace (which I am surprised the the police did not take as evidence...) and Becka shows Hil some film she shot of the empty set. Because of the magic necklace, Hil is able to talk to Lil, and everybody leaves her alone to do so.
As a bonus, the book features an AD for Sweet Valley High dolls and fashions!!! If anybody happens to have those, my birthday is only 8 1/2 months away...

****The SarahLynn Summary***
Why did I like this book so much as a child? It was TERRIBLE, totally ridiculous, and about 100 pages too long for my mature, sophisticated tastes. Even Robin couldn't save this one.

Top Five Season One Moments

Intro:
In honor of me FINALLY finishing season one, I decided to resurrect my favorite style of post- The Top Five!!!!

5. Jessica's Leopard Bikini ("Skin and Bones")
(YouTube)
It would be wrong of me not to include this! She is SO HOTT in that scene, plus it's a MONTAGE! Like, I fell in love with this girl watching this. Amazing.

4. KURT RAMBIS ("Club X")
Watching this back in the day, I had no idea who Kurt Rambis was. I was more of a baseball girl and he -obviously- played basketball, so I didn't fully appreciate it for what it was. When I re-watched it (a mere 2 hours after seeing Kurt in person!), I was pleasantly surprised. Even the BF was a little blown away by it, and that's pretty rare. Sadly, I never got my DVD signed, but at least I had a good laugh every time I saw him after this!!! Plus, I was super impressed that he beat THE Todd Wilkins (in the form of a MONTAGE!, of course). I informed him of this, and he smiled slightly, probably remembering how he got to meet BRUCE!!!

3. Liz's Motorcycle Accident ("Coma")
As many of you know, I detest Elizabeth Wakefield for many reasons. This episode made season one a little more tolerable. I liked that Liz slept through most of it (and got in an accident!) and that she woke up almost as cool as the rest of us. Her and Bruce making out in 1BRUCE1 was one of the high points thus far. Too bad she had to go and ruin it by returning to normal Liz.

2. "Uh-Oh Seven"
Initially, I hated this episode. I found it boring and confusing back when I first saw it (and when I re-watched it after the DVD came out), but I have since became a fan of James Bond. Basically, this episode was a rip-off of a couple Bond movies (with names changed slightly), and there was lots of BRUCE!!! Plus, it featured Liz writing the episode as a story, so she was barely in it. Jess looked SUPER hot, and she was the star of the episode. Also, I had lots of fun looking up the characters from the Bond films (Octopussy = OctoPatti, Gold Fowler = Goldfinger, ect.) and matching them to Liz's rip-offs. And did I mention BRUCE?!?!

and my #1 moment...

1. "Kidnapped"
It just doesn't get any better than a three-part episode, unless it involves Liz being bound and gagged!!! Throw in some random Bruce action, a crazed psycho, Nicholas Morrow, AND THREE MONTAGES!!!, and you have what is simply...THE BEST EPISODE EVER!!! All of the elements combined in perfect alignment to produce a very dramatic, action-packed "total 9-1-1"!!! Even if it didn't follow the book correctly (Carl/Peter/Whatever), I can get past that and enjoy this episode for wit's many redeeming elements.

****A Look Into The Future****
*Todd returns, and all hell breaks loose.
*Totally unnecessary scenes featuring Liz and Jess in bikinis!!!
*Jess has a new love interest.
*SarahLynn tries desperately not to throw stuff at the screen every time Enid is in a scene.
*About 237 parties.
AND........
*A NEW BRUCE!!!!!

Great TV Viewing (Season 1 , Episode 22) - "Say Goodbye"

Intro:
We've FINALLY reached the end of the first season! Of course, I'm about halfway through season two on YouTube, so it's not the end of an era or anything just yet. My wrap-up on the entire first season will be posted at some point as well.
If memory serves, the book version of today's episode made it onto my Top Five SVH Moments list. This is the book where Tricia Martin dies, I believe. But, being that the show does not include Tricia OR Steven, I know this will be NOTHING like the book. Lucky for me, as I only read that book once. It was, however, part of a weird experience growing up...
The year was 1992 and I was about six years old. My sister and I shared a set of bunkbeds in a house that was built not far from a Native American burial ground (which we NEVER got to have a party on...damn you, SVT, for all your fun adventures!) and all this sacred land. We always thought our house was haunted (I'm not so sure of my beliefs on the subject at this point, but as a child I believed EVERYTHING was haunted, thanks again, SVT!) and one night a few books flew off of the tall bookshelf that was right next to our beds. This book was one of them. The others were 'Steven's Bride' and 'Caroline's Mystery Dolls', and they had been neatly ordered on the shelf. Nothing else was disturbed, but it became a running joke between me and my sister. Because we thought EVERYTHING was hilarious as children, including the paranormal. One of us would "hide" on the top bunk and throw this book when the other walked into the room, yelling "SAY GOODBYE!!!" as we threw. It was funny for whatever reason, and it amused us greatly. Weird, I know.
Okay, now that you all think I'm a complete loser (if you didn't before reading this, that is!), let's get season one finished!!!

Recap:
We begin with Todd talking to the basketball coach. I love basketball!!! And so does Todd. He just got a scholarship to some snobby private school. He's going to be the new starting forward!!! (They only start ONE?!? Don't most teams start TWO? I think so.) But -there's always a BUT- the school is in VERMONT!!! Todd discusses it with Winston at the Moon Beach, and Win thinks Liz will understand. Apparently, Fairmont Academy has produced more NBA hopefuls than any other school. (And Google says it's in CALIFORNIA, I think Todd is LYING!!!!) If I were Todd, I would have gone to Oak Hill, just sayin'.
Todd goes to tell Liz and finds her at (surprise!) the Moon Beach. WITH Nicholas Morrow!!! Todd's upset that Nicholas is already moving in on Liz, but he's running late and has to go pack for his new school. Liz is mad that Todd hasn't had time to spend with her, so he promises to spend the following night with her. Alone. Holding hands and making out, I imagine. Win announces that he is throwing Todd a going away party that same night. Oh shit!!!
Liz talks to her parents during the commercial, and they allow her to go visit Todd for Thanksgiving, which is like a month away (WOW, judging from my TV timeline, they've been in school for about SIX months and it's STILL only October? Weird). Why she even bothered to ask, I have no idea. They didn't seem to care when Todd moved in or when she AND Jess got kidnapped or when they had that party with Leonardo DiCaprio in The Basketball Diaries... Todd isn't thrilled, so Liz says she'll come for Christmas instead, but Todd says he'll be really busy with the basketball season for like forever. Liz doesn't take the hint and she gives Todd a really ugly framed photo of herself. It's REALLY not her best photo, he would probably have been happier if it was a pic of JESS!!! Liz promises that nothing will change between them.
Win throws his Moon Beach party and Enid drags Liz to it. She tells Liz to focus on the food and not cry. I. HATE. ENID. Seriously!!! Of course, Bruce has to tell Liz how HOTT the Fairmont Academy girls are rumored to be. Todd doesn't help matters. He's too busy working the room to even say hello to Liz. She talks to Nicholas instead and tries to pull Todd away from everybody. So they can go to Miller's Point and hold hands and kiss, I guess. Winston isn't having that. He quickly jumps up and makes a toast in Todd's honor. It involves something about a Mork and Mindy lunchbox, whatever THAT means... (*Googling*) Bottom line: Everybody will miss Todd a lot and Liz is pissed that she has to share Todd. I would think she would be used to that by now... Liz screams at Todd and they fight. Todd thinks she's hooking up with Nicholas, and Liz thinks he's ignoring her. And SarahLynn could care less. Where's Jessica?!?! And BRUCE? Todd goes back to his party and Liz goes home.
Two weeks pass and Jess finally shows up! She's decided it's time for Liz to date again. She pimps Liz out to every guy at school, and tries to flirt with Nicholas. Of course, Nicholas likes LIZ, not Jess. He asks Liz out for a boating date and Jess is very unhappy about this.
Of course, we HAVE to have a revenge-driven subplot. Jess decides that she'll call Todd and lure him home. Then he will find Liz and Nicholas. Somehow, Jess thinks this will end with Nicholas in her arms. I fail to see her logic for the 137th time. Lila does as well. She knows this plan will backfire, and it does.
Todd flies home at rapid speed and arrives in time to see Liz and Nicholas returning home. He promptly leaves upon seeing this and Liz chases after him. Jess is left alone with Nicholas and she makes her move. He promptly rejects her.
Liz finds him at the pier with Winston. Winston leaves them alone (FINALLY!) and Liz explains. It all ends with Todd wanting to move back. Liz refuses to let him ruin his basketball playing opportunity, but she does get him all to herself for the weekend. Yay, I guess?
Even grosser is the MONTAGE! Lots of Liz and Todd moments. And kissing. Ewwww, that's really too much!!! I could have done without the montage this time...
Todd gets on the plane to Vermont and promises to make it work with Liz. Liz randomly runs into Nicholas, who JUST HAPPENED to be hanging out at the airport... She agrees to go have lunch with him. Of course, Todd runs off the plane for some reason and witnesses all of this...

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Always wait until your significant other's plane has taken off to begin dating another guy.

Great TV Viewing ( Season 1 , Episodes 19, 20, and 21) - "Kidnapped

Intro:
This was my FAVORITE SVH episode of all time! I had this one on VHS, and my most vivid memory is a promo preview where the TV versions of Jess and Liz introduce this video, which one of them (I forget who) promises is a "total 9-1-1". Oh, the '90's!!!! The VHS also had a special behind-the-scenes feature AND a music video ("Rose Colored Glasses"). I rented this tape from my local video store (Home Video, *RIP*) so many times that the owner eventually ended up giving it to me. I guess nobody else ever rented it except for me and my sister.
Anyways, this episode introduces us to Nicholas Morrow (which actually somewhat resembles what happened in the books!). This is also where I learned what Ether is. And who could forget Crazy Carl?!?!

Recap:

Part One
We begin at the Moon Beach (yay, Moon Beach!), where Winston is desperately hitting up his friends for money. It's his mom's birthday and he's broke. Of course, Liz is full of helpful suggestions. She's also wearing a candy striper outfit. (Why do they call them "candy stripers"? When I was in the hospital, they were simply called "volunteers", and they didn't wear stupid outfits like that...) Apparently, Liz is now working at the hospital (which is NOT called Fowler Memorial...WTF?!?!) and some talk show host is currently recovering there. Of course, Jess is all over this. She dreams of hosting a talk show (again, those crazy '90's!!!), and she is desperate to meet Jeremy Franks (who I think was called Jeremy FRAKES in the book...) but Liz won't hear of it. Liz takes her non-paying job way too seriously, so Jess is left alone to come up with a scheme.
Liz goes to work and tends to the ailing Jeremy. He has a broken leg, and I totally forgot how that happened, if they even bothered to explain it. Anyways, it isn't serious. The studio is on Jeremy's ass about finding a new co-host for his show, "Frankly Speaking". Liz cheers him up by sneaking him a pizza because he hates hospital food. I guess some rules are made to be broken?
Liz leaves Jeremy to eat his dinner in peace. She prances around the hospital and suddenly an orderly crashes his cart into her. Sadly, he doesn't cause any major damage, and Liz apologizes for being in the way. Of course, Liz is the #1 candy striper, so the charge nurse yells at the orderly. I assume that this is supposed to be Crazy Carl, but his name has suddenly become PETER. Seriously?!?! Anyways, he's a major creeper, I can tell just by looking at him, but Liz is a Saint so she just keeps acting nice. A new group of candy stripers shows up during all of this, and Liz is shocked to see that Jess is among them.
Liz finishes her shift and goes home to do more saintly deeds. She helps Winston bake a cake for his mother (and cancels a date with Todd to do so, he's pretty pissed about it) and Todd whines the entire time. He gets even bitchier when he learns that the cake is a pineapple cake and doesn't have frosting! Me, I would also get bitchy if somebody blew me off to make a freakin' PINEAPPLE cake. I'm allergic to pineapple, you bitch!!! Todd thinks that Liz is spending way too much time with Win, and he makes that known. Seriously, Todd is a whiny little bitch in this episode. I think he needs a nap or something.
Back at the hospital, Jess works her way into Jeremy's room and introduces herself. She asks for an autograph and, when Jeremy goes to sign it, she hands him HER headshot. LOL, that girl is just too confident sometimes! He stares stupidly at her, and she decides to change the TV channel for him. Of course, Jess grabs the bed remote by accident and causes even more damage to poor Jeremy. I hope he sues for this... The head nurse comes in and catches Jess. Jess is re-assigned to bedpan duty. GROSS!!!! I went to nursing school, and I know from experience that bedpan duty is a form of punishment!!!! *Shudders at the memory*
Liz finds out about this, and she bitches at Jess for being in HER ward. She complains about how annoying Jess is as she goes to finish her end-of-shift paperwork. (Because volunteers have to do paperwork? Unlikely story. Even as a nursing assistant, we did very minimal paperwork, so I sincerely doubt a volunteer would have a pile of it like Liz seems to...) Amazingly, somebody did ALL of Liz's paperwork without her knowing. I begin to question the operations of that hospital, since they cannot even be trusted to keep simple paperwork in a secure location...add that to my list of things to include in my lawsuit. Of course, Crazy Creeper Peter did it all, but Liz doesn't have any idea.
Once again, Jess finds herself in Jeremy's room. She's pretending to be Liz and carrying a big picture of water. Uh-oh. Of course, it's time for Jeremy's sponge bath! She sees his naked ass and drops the entire pitcher of water on him. Of course, the head nurse is a witness to this and Jess's candy striper career is finished!!!
I guess the hospital closes for the night, because the next scene is Creeper Peter in a dark reception area. He creeps around and steals Liz's personnel file from the administration.
Meanwhile, at the Moon Beach, Win presents Liz with a thank you gift for the wonderful cake. He's made Liz a friendship bracelet, and Todd is none too happy about this. He thinks Win has a major crush on Liz (which he does), and he thinks Liz is flirting back. Todd leaves in a huff and Liz goes home alone. When she gets there, she sees a massive bouquet of flowers on the kitchen counter and she assumes they're from Todd. Of course, you and I both know that they aren't from Todd... Liz goes to thank Todd, and he's all like "WTF?!?!" He thinks that Win sent them, so he goes and yells at poor Win. Win denies being in love with Liz, but Todd is unconvinced.
Liz goes back to work, and Peter creeps around her all night. Liz asks the charge nurse about him, and she assures Liz that he's just shy and quiet. He's harmless... RIGHT!!!! Meanwhile, Jess and Lila have a plan to get Jess the co-host job. Jess sneaks back into his room (seriously, where is the security in this place?!?!) and threatens to unleash an army of teenage girls armed with headshots and audition tapes. Jeremy is in pain, and he begs Jess to call off her troops. She agrees, as long as he promises her the job. He gives in, an we get a (really unnecessary) MONTAGE! The girls chase Jeremy, and Jess wheels him around the hospital to escape them. It would have made more sense to leave him in his room and simply tell the girls that he'd been released, but Jess doesn't think like I do, I guess. Of course, Jeremy backs out of his promise as soon as the threat is averted. Jess is pissed and she sends him to the operating room with a confused nurse. (Again, grounds for a lawsuit...) He, naturally, wants to avoid unnecessary medical procedures, so he again agrees to let Jess be on his show.
Across town, Todd is still brooding around the Moon Beach. Liz is with him. They go to leave and SOMEONE has placed a love note on the windshield of the Jeep! Of course, Todd automatically jumps to conclusions and blames Winston. He seethes in anger as he throws the love note into the trash and Liz drives away. Crazy Peter is creeping nearby, and part one ends with him popping out of the shadows. Obviously, this was included for the benefit of viewers who were too stupid to realize that Win did NOT send the notes or flowers. STALKER!

Part Two
Jess and Lila are thrilled when they receive exciting news. Young Society Magazine's Bachelor of the Year is moving to Sweet Valley! His name is Nicholas Morrow and he's 17. Pardon my ignorance, but I was not aware that teen magazines had Bachelor of the Year issues. Is this normal? I have no clue. Anyways, it seems Nicholas' arrival is the perfect excuse to throw a PARTY! Jess and Lila are already fighting over him, and both rush home to "make" him his favorite food, which is fudge. Okay then. I want to know what the hell happened to REGINA?!?! Why does she not exist? Is she already dead or what?
Checking in with Liz and Todd, Todd is still upset about the whole Winston thing. Liz further complicates things by agreeing to help Win with some video essay project. Todd is PISSED, as usual, but Liz refuses to break a promise and she agrees to meet Win as soon as she finishes her shift. Jess comes home and demands that Liz help her make fudge for Nicholas, but Liz is already running late, so she leaves Jess alone in the kitchen, promising to drive her to the welcoming party.
Flash forward to the end of Liz's shift. She walks out of the dark hospital and gets in the Jeep. Crazy Peter is hiding in the back and he quickly covers Liz's mouth with a Ether-soaked rag before she can scream. Fade to black.
Jess is unaware of this incident, so she goes to the party on her own, mad at Liz for blowing her off. As she leaves, Win calls and leaves a message on the machine. He too is upset that Liz blew him off. He tells the machine that he is going to the hospital to find her.
Meanwhile, Liz is waking up in some ghetto shack out in the middle of nowhere. She's bound and gagged!!! Sweet!!! Crazy Peter comes in dressed like a lumberjack and rips the duct tape off her mouth. Liz screams, but there's nobody around for miles. Peter screams with her, and it's more than a little creepy. Has anyone ever seen the movie 'Cold Storage'? It's a horrible, sucky movie that I watched on NetFlix a couple days ago, and Peter reminds me of the guy in that movie.
At Nicholas' party, everybody is wondering where Liz is. Jess is upset that nobody is hitting on her and they're all obsessive over Liz, so she lies and says that Liz had to babysit for Mr. Collins. Everybody accepts this and Nicholas finally arrives! Jess talks to him, and brags about co-hosting the talk show. Nicholas is unimpressed. He hates talk shows. (I used to LOVE talk show! Ricki Lake, Richard Bey, Jenny Jones, Montel, Maury, Springer...My guilty pleasure as a child.) Todd eventually realizes that Winston is also not present at the party, and he is worried that Win is with Liz. I guess the idea of hooking up with Jessica has yet to develop inside his feeble little mind, so Todd still cares about Liz even though Jess is obviously preoccupied with Nicholas. Todd drags Jess away and brings her home. He hears Win's answering machine message and assumes that Liz met up with him at the hospital, because she obviously hasn't been home yet. Todd calls the police. Why, I ask? There's no physical proof that Liz has been kidnapped. For all he knows Win and Liz are studying or babysitting together somewhere. I guess even simply trying to steal Liz away from Todd is illegal, because the police spring into action.
Liz is still being held against her will. Peter promises he won't hurt her because he loves her. That's what they always say! Liz tells him that the ropes around her wrists and ankles are hurting her, so Peter unties them. She promptly hits him with a lamp and makes a run for it. Since this is only like halfway through part two of a three-part story arc, he catches her. She hides in the bathroom. The mirror is broken, so Liz grabs a large piece of glass. Sweet! I really hope Peter gets it in the eye.
Meanwhile, Winston is searching for Liz at the hospital. He finds the Jeep and searches it for clues. The keys are in it, and Liz has left her purse on the seat. The police show up and arrest Winston. That doesn't make sense to me. They still have no proof of any foul play. I could see questioning Win and treating it as a missing person/runaway case, but arresting Win is ridiculous. I guess they can wait AN ENTIRE MONTH to QUESTION a Wakefield in a manslaughter case (see: A Night To Remember), but a missing Wakefield requires serious, immediate action. Curious. The police inform Jess and Todd that Winston has been arrested, and they think he's responsible.
Meanwhile, back at the Crazy Shack (aka- Peter's Pad), Peter is heading off to the hospital for his shift. See, he has to make people think everything is normal and follow his regular routine. Liz plays nice and tells him she'll miss him, and she asks him to wear the friendship bracelet that Win gave her in part one. He's obviously none-too-bright and he happily puts it on as he leaves. Sadly, Liz forgot to stab him with the broken mirror (OK, it probably didn't even cross her mind) and she goes to work on her ropes again. She easily frees herself and runs to safety.
Winston is out of police custody and everybody suspects him. Because a sixteen year-old is capable of such behaviors, even if they show no signs of being psycho. Wow, Winston's friends sure have a lot of faith in him, *sarcasm*. What a bunch of assholes! Todd threatens to kill Win, which is probably not the best route to go if you believe that somebody knows something others don't. Win swears that he didn't do it, but everyone continues to suspect him. They still allow him to help them look for Liz and pass out flyers during the MONTAGE! though. Even Bruce helps. Jess cries, and Todd comforts her...where have I seen that before?!?!
While canvassing the hospital, Win runs into Peter and shows him the Missing Person flyer. He notices that Peter is wearing the bracelet that he made for Liz... At the same time, the cops find Liz and Todd STILL thinks Win is the guilty party. Winston figures out that Peter is responsible, and Peter conveniently chooses that moment to attack Jess with a scalpel. Peter thought Jess was Liz, and his outburst gets him arrested on the spot. Todd apologizes to Winston, and the police bring Liz to the hospital. Of course, they aren't bringing her to a doctor or anything, and there are no parents in sight. I guess Ned and Alice didn't take this too seriously, they were probably waiting for actual evidence of a kidnapping... Anyways, Liz and Jess hug, and Todd and Win join in as well. Everybody cries, and I begin to wonder why part three is necessary...

Part Three
Liz goes on Frankly Speaking (yes, Jeremy is alive and well, and still hasn't let Jess co-host) and tells her story. Jess is jealous that Liz is on TV. Suddenly, Jeremy announces (it's a live show) that Peter has escaped police custody during the commercial break! I'm no expert, but I would think that they would tell Liz and Jess about this privately and escort them out of the studio, but Jeremy just lets Liz stand on stage and looked shocked.
Liz and Jess get 24 hour police protection. Jess has another giant zit on her face, and I'm getting bored by the lack of ACTION!!!! Jess is too, and she wants to go to this new club with Nicholas and Bruce. I also want to go!!! PLEASE!!! Unfortunately, the cops refuse her request and she is forced to sneak out. What she doesn't know is that, while she was inside the Moon Beach, Peter crept up and slashed the tires. Jess gets a flat while driving home, and Peter makes his move. Jessica is now missing. Of course, the police are clueless and so the search party re-forms. I imagine that a search party led by Liz will be much more effective than an effort led by Jess.
Peter brings Jess to a ghost town and ties her up in the old saloon. He thinks she's Liz and he professes his love for her. Jess, of course, proves that she is NOT Liz and puts on a bitch act. She tells him he's insane and orders him to release her. He realizes his mistake and Jess informs him that Liz also hates him. Probably not a good thing to tell somebody who's got total control of your fate, Jess... Peter promptly freaks out and throws Jess into a hole in the floor.
Liz goes on Jeremy's show and pleads with Peter. She starts reading from a script and then switches to her own plea. She offers Peter whatever he wants and says she'll trade places with Jess. The cops are pissed that she said that, but it's not like THEY have done ANYTHING helpful in this episode. You would think they would have stationed at least ONE officer outside of the MB on the night Jess was taken!!
Anyways, Peter has rigged up some sort of fuse and barrel combo back at the old saloon. He calls Liz and tells her to meet him in an hour. And she has to come ALONE. Of course, everybody tags along and hides in various locations and Liz wears a wire. Peter also shows up alone and tells Liz he'll take her to see Jess. Liz demands to know where she is, and Peter gives some cryptic clue about her location. The cops prove their competency yet again by rushing in and apprehending Peter, ruining everything in the process. Now Liz has ONE HOUR to find Jess! Liz remembers that Peter had a "special place" where he wanted to take her, a place where nobody's been for years. It takes her all of 2 minutes to realize he was talking about a ghost town, and the search party reforms and searches MONTAGE!-style!!!! It was absolutely necessary!!! Love it. And -the best part- BRUCE IS THERE!!!! Yay!!!
Lila and Nicholas enter the saloon and find Peter's fuse. They walk right on top of Jess (she's been covered by floorboards) and leave, thinking nothing of any of it. Suddenly, the fuse ignites and a fire breaks out!!! Everyone has a "DUH!" moment and Liz runs into the burning saloon to rescue Jess. Jess is passed out, but Todd helps pull her to safety just in time! She survives and becomes the new co-host of Jeremy's show. I guess he finally gave in when he remembered that every job in Sweet Valley is only allowed to last until the end of the episode.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Never be nice to anyone. Or else they might fall in love with you and kidnap your ass.
*But don't worry, they LOVE you and won't hurt you.
*Unless you tell theym that you DON'T love them.
*Oh, and, Bruce will help search for you!!!

Great TV Viewing (Season 1 , Episode 18) - "Dancin' Fools"

Intro:
Again, I have no memory of this episode. Raise your hand if you're surprised. I'm really just trying to knock this one out as quickly as possible so I can get to recapping the following episode. It's a THREE-PART episode!!!

Recap:
We open at Sweet Valley High, where everyone is abuzz about some World of Dance freestyle dance competition. Lila is entering with the hope of dethroning the reigning Queen of the Dance, which just so happens to be our very own Jessica Wakefield! Jess has won two years in a row, and Lila walks away with a certificate for a free car wash. This year, the stakes are raised. The Grand Prize is a spot on the World of Dance show!!! Winston also wants to enter, but nobody wants to dance with him. Awwww, poor Win.
Jess's partner (I forget his name) is fruity as hell. I can tell by his see-through shirt and LEATHER vest combo. He looks like Mr. Slave from South Park...

Anyways, Mr. Slave will NOT be able to dance with Jess this year. Madonna has asked him to be a backup dancer! O.M.G.!!!! Whatever will Jess do?
At the Moon Beach, Todd is bitching about his hatred of all things cultural. He thinks dancing is for pussies, but Liz forces him to do it every year. Why? I have no idea, it's not like she can ever compete with the greatness that is JESS... Speaking of Jess, she's looking for a new partner and she will be holding open auditions all week. Koichi (yay, I'm starting to like him!) wants to dance, so he decides to try out. Win also wants to dance. Apparently, Win has been dancing for years and he's actually really into it. I'm not really surprised by this. Of course, Liz offers him some encouraging words and he decides to give it a shot.
Jess holds her auditions. A bunch of sucky dancers show up and I start to grow bored with this episode. I wish my cable was working so I could watch something besides this. In the hallway, Manny comes up to Enid, looking straight out of Saturday Night Fever. They do some lame dance and agree to be partners. Good luck with that.
Todd continues to bitch some more. (Again, at the Moon Beach, I swear this show only has like 3 sets...) Liz finally drops his ass and Koichi volunteers to be her partner. Lila, meanwhile, has hired a world champion dancer named Rico. Jess shows up and whines about how much everybody sucks, and Liz suggests she let poor Winston be her partner. Jess gives in and goes and puts on her hot-ass workout apparel. She watches Win dance, and decides he'll suffice.
Of course, this leads to a MONTAGE! Everybody dances and I try not to throw up. Stupidest. Montage. Ever. These kids are a far cry from Dancing With The Stars. Not that I've ever watched that crap, but I did see Save The Last Dance one time, so I am a qualified expert. (Side note: Actually, I was captain of a state champion dance squad back in the day. So there.)
Two weeks pass, and Jess's original partner returns the day before the competition. Of course, Jess immediately drops Winston and Liz is none too happy about it. (Also, Jess has a MASSIVE zit in this scene. I never noticed how bad their skin was, *shudders at the thought of life before ProActiv*) Liz must be getting her period or something, because she keeps up with the bitching. She and Todd fight about the dance contest some more...blah, who cares?!?! Todd is the jealous type, I get it already!!!!
Tragedy strikes when Jess's partner gets yet another job offer. He's going to teach dance on one of Mr. Fowler's cruise ships. Obviously, Lila had a hand in this. Jess gets her back by stealing her partner (Rico). Lila partners with Winston out of desperation. Rico totally blows off Jess's scheduled rehearsal, so she gives him a print-out of the choreography right before they go on stage. What Jess doesn't know is that Rico doesn't speak English. It's pretty obvious, being that all Rico ever says is "Time to dance?"... Apparently, the only dance Rico knows is the Mambo. Oops.
The contest starts. Liz and Koichi do some sort of country line dance type-thing. It's pretty stupid so I won't bore you with anymore details. Koichi cleverly dances off stage and Todd dances on... I think Koichi and Todd set this up as a surprise for Liz, but I could really care less. Liz is happy, and I hope she gets disqualified for switching partners mid-song. Next comes the crapfest that is Enid and Manny. They do some sort of stupid disco dance and I wish I could slap Enid. Really, I've had enough of her after that last episode. Whatever happened to Mike?!?! Told you he wouldn't last...
Lila and Winston take the stage. They have VERY sparkly outfits, and I like it A LOT!!!! They do some serious Dancing With The Stars shit, and I'm still in awe of all their sparklicious goodness. I love sparkles!!!! I want them to win.
Finally, Jess takes the stage. Of course, she is doing some sort of slutty Jessica Dance and it would really be more appropriate for the mainstage at a strip club. But it's HOT, so I'm enjoying it. Rico comes on stage, Mamboing his little Latin ass off. Of course, Jess didn't plan for THAT, so their routine is horrible and everybody laughs because it's so uncoordinated. Jess drags Rico off stage.
Lila and Winston win the contest!!!! It turns out that the spot on the World of Dance show is only for a MALE dancer, so Win is the clear winner here. Lila's upset, but she is rewarded for her efforts with a certificate for yet another free car wash. Karma's a bitch, or something.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Again, I got nothing. This episode was pretty pointless and I only recapped it so I could get to the BEST part of season one...

Up Next: Great TV Viewing -"Kidnapped". Three part episode!!!! Crazed orderlies, the arrival of Nicholas Morrow, trashy TV talk shows, and BRUCE!!!!!

Great TV Viewing (Season 1 , Episode 17) - "Working Girls"

Intro:
Again, an episode I do not recall. I'm assuming that somebody in Sweet Valley has FINALLY gotten a job, and that in itself is worthy of an entire episode. Damn rich kids. As I write this, I'm hiding from my boss. Somebody called in sick, and he expects me to come in early to cover, but I'm not having that. It's bad enough I have to work in like 3 hours, but I draw the line at devoting my free time to a place that hasn't bothered to promote me in the 2 1/2 years I've worked there. Of course, this has nothing to do with Sweet Valley, and you know whoever got off their ass and got a job will never work said job again after this episode ends. But maybe there will be some shots of Bruce or something equally cool, so I'll give this one a shot...

Recap:
It's Career Week at Sweet Valley High. Liz has signed herself and a very reluctant Todd up to be interns at the newspaper. Jess is going to be an apprentice to some fashion designer named Dante. I hope it's Dante from Clerks and Mallrats. And I hope Jay and Silent Bob show up, but I know they won't. Lila's dad is opening a new chain of restaurants, so he signed her up to waitress at the Moon Beach (Yay, Moon Beach!!!) and Lila is not very happy about this. Liz tells Lila that it could be a great learning experience for Lila, but I doubt it. Lila will never have to work a day in her life, and I hate her for that.
Everybody goes to work. Jess likes Dante a lot, but his assistant is a total bitchface. She makes Jess get her coffee and give Dante's dog a flee bath. Dante notices Jess's outfit right away (of course he does, Dante is a creeper and she's wearing a little red plaid skirt) and compliments her on her talent.
Lila fails miserably at her Moon Beach job. Some moronic manager leaves her alone with the customers, and Lila gets everybody's order wrong. Everybody complains and Lila wants to quit. Of course, a hot delivery guy shows up and Lila immediately forgets about that. His name is Heath (awww) and he likes the fact that she's working. As opposed to all the other rich, spoiled shitheads in Sweet Valley. He thinks it's nice to meet a girl who isn't stuck-up, and I laugh because he's obviously NOT from around here. Lila plays along and neglects to mention the fact that her daddy is LOADED, and I can only imagine how this will blow up in her face.
Meanwhile, Todd sits around and brags about how awesome his job is. He gets to review something called "Dream Girls", and he totally thinks it's like a strip club or a whore house or something. Of course, Liz snaps him back to reality and tells him that it's actually a MUSICAL about like 80 year-old ladies that dance. Or something, I kinda spaced out. Todd goes right back to hating his "career", and Liz bitches about how she has to write about hockey. Ewww, I hate hockey too. Todd is super jealous of this, and I wonder why they don't switch assignments. It's not like they'd get in trouble or anything. I don't think this is a paying job, and we all know they will never work these jobs again...
Anyways, back to important stuff. Lila and Heath go out on a date to the opera. Heath is surprised that Lila is so cultured, being that she's all broke and all. Heath can't afford opera tickets, so he brings a picnic and a radio and they have their own little opera. He made all the food himself, and it's super fancy-like because he's a chef-in-training. He's again impressed by Lila's love of food, and she says that she learned all of this from her dad being a dishwasher (he actually was one before he got super rich) and bringing home scraps for her. Scraps?!?! Seriously?!?! This pulls on Heath's heartstrings, and he insists that Lila bring home the leftovers for her poor, ghetto family. It's actually kind of sweet, except for the fact that everything is based on a lie. Before their date ends, Heath says that Lila could turn the Moon Beach into a fine culinary establishment with her vast knowledge of food. And I totally see where this is going...
Next, we get a MONTAGE!!! Lila transforms the MB into a 5-star place. Folded napkins, tablecloths, fancy food, and all that. Jess works on some original designs, and Dante hovers over her shoulder like the creeper that he is. I think he's either going to hit on her, or else steal her designs. I wonder where Winston and Koichi are during all of this. And where is BRUCE?!?!
After the montage, Jess does all of her apprentice duties for the day in record time. Dante's bitchface assistant still hates her, but Dante is blown away by the fact that Jess did everything he asked, plus found time to design some ugly purple jacket with double stitching and some sort of lapels. Dante loves this ugly jacket design, so he sends Jess off on some meaningless errand (delivering a pre-fashion show bottle of champagne to some hot Asian designer) and, after she leaves, Dante steals her design and puts it in his fashion show.
Back at the Moon Beach, Bruce (!!!!!) is impressed by the changes Lila has made. Of course, he compliments Lila on how nicely she's adapting to becoming blue collar. He calls her on her shit and asks her how long she's going to continue fucking with poor Heath's head. Lila doesn't want to lose Heath, so she tells Bruce to STFU and let her keep pretending. Besides, Lila has a plan...
Heath comes into delivery some meat (yes, he's a MEAT delivery guy...) and Lila puts her plan into action. She tells Heath that a friend of hers (aka- Daddy) is opening a chain of restaurants and he needs a new chef. Lila set up an interview for Heath so he can get hired and not be broke anymore. It's kinda sweet. Lila gives Heath a C-note and tells him to buy some new clothes. Heath doesn't want to take poor Lila's money, but she assures him that she can get more $$$$. He's suspicious of this, but he still takes the money because he wants to get a job and take care of Lila. Seriously, this guy is so sweet.
Jess finds out Dante stole her design. Of course, he denies it and his assistant backs him up. Jess whines to Liz and Todd about it at the Moon Beach. Winston and Koichi show up (oh, there they are!) and a plan begins to form... Of course, they ALWAYS have to have a revenge plan.
Heath goes to his interview and Lila waits for him in the lobby. He comes out all super pissed and Lila wants to know why. Heath tells her that he told the "old sleezebag" off and that Lila doesn't have to worry anymore. Heath said that, through the entire interview, Mr. F talked about Lila like she was "his girl", and his office was full of pictures of Lila. Heath thinks Mr. F is Lila's SUGAR DADDY!!! It's pretty hilarious, actually. And even I smiled at this. Lila is forced to set Heath straight and tell him the entire truth. It's a lot to deal with, so Heath quickly peaces out.
Later, Lila finds Heath and talks to him. He's very quick to forgive, because Heath is pretty awesome. Lila also talked to her father, and Heath is his new dessert chef. Mr. F was impressed when Heath stood up for Lila at the interview. So Heath goes off into oblivion at Fowler Grill, never to be heard from again, and Lila lives exquisitely ever after.
Of course, we still have one storyline to wrap up. Win and Koichi show up at Dante's show. Koichi speaks Japanese, and Win pretends to be his translator. They impersonate that really important Asian designer mentioned earlier. Koichi says that Jess's jacket is hideous and he hates Dante for designing it. Dante quickly tells him that it's not a Dante design, and of course the REAL Asian designer shows up at that exact second. Of course, he LOVES the jacket (why, I fail to see the appeal) and wants to know who -since it wasn't Dante- designed it. He also wants Dante to do a complete collection around the jacket. Of course, Jess now has Dante by the balls. He offers him whatever she wants in exchange for her help. Jess walks away with a promise of a summer job, full credit for her designs, AND Dante's bitchface assistant is now forced to work for Jess. Ha.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*I got nothing.

Great TV Viewing (Season 1 , Episode 16) - "Love On The Line"

Intro:
Well Loves, basketball season has ended at long last (minus the Playoffs, but those aren't as time-consuming) and I am free to have a life again! And, by life, of course I mean wasting countless hours of your time by flooding your wonderful brains with new recaps! Sadly, I must inform you that I have left my Handy Dandy Recapping Notebook at work, and I have no intentions of going there on my day off to retrieve it, lest they tell me to clock in and help out my poor, toiling co-workers! So, you're stuck with what I have on-hand: a few episodes of SVH that I watched yesterday. I actually managed to finish all of season one, so I may be able to string this out for a few days...
I must have missed this one the first time around, because nothing seems familiar to me. It's called "Love On The Line", and that makes me think about LOVELINE! And, of course, Dr. Drew! I spent much of my formative years listening to his show on the radio (I didn't have cable growing up, so I never even knew it was a TV show too), compliments of my big sister (yes, we shared a room). Young SarahLynn fell asleep every night listening to Dr. Drew tell me more than I ever wanted to know about sex. (Did you know that it's possible for your rectum to come out? I do, thanks for that, random LoveLine caller.) I guess that contributed to the person I am today...for better or worse. I'm just hope Dr. Drew appears in this episode, because that would make it more interesting.

Recap:
We begin at one of the three sets that they used for this TV show- The Moon Beach! Yay, Moon Beach!!! Winston is hanging out with his friends and speaking Japanese. No, I did not accidentally turn on the alternate languages again, Winston is getting a Japanese exchange student. He thinks learning dude's language will make him feel more at home. (What is with these Sweet Valley kids always wanting to offend their foreign visitors by mutilating their languages and mocking their customs? Just ask Prince Arthur of Santa Dora...) Win takes a sip of his shake and realizes that Bruce has spiked it! Not with Jungle Juice, but with HOT SAUCE. I can already tell that this episode is going to be EPIC *SARCASM*. This storyline is unessential to the main plot (until the very end when they randomly decide to connect), so I'll just get right to the "drama". Regretfully, it's all about stupid loser Enid...
Next, we continue our a-typical opening by flashing over to Enid. She and Manny are working at some Teen Hotline. (Sadly, this is Sweet Valley, so it's NOT like LoveLine. These kids are lame.) They don't say if this is the Project Youth Hotline that Amy Slutton loves so much, but I think it is. Enid's talking to some guy whose parents are divorcing (see, I told you they were lame) and he's whining about it. Dude, my dad left when I was 12 and I dealt with it, so should you! Enid has divorced parents and she is also lame as hell, so she sympathizes and they get to flirting. Which, by all standards, seems inappropriate in this situation. Obviously, nobody learned anything from the whole Nate Prichard-Lila-Jungle Prom incident. Enid agrees to go on a date with the guy. His name is Mike and he's the STAR quarterback (because all these kids are always STARS, never just quarterbacks or basketball players, always STARS!!!) at Bridgewater High. I wonder if he knows Sam. I hope so, because I'm already about to cry from boredom and I could use a little Sam and Jess action right about now...
Enid tells Liz that she's afraid to go on the date. Mike is awesome (NOT!), and Enid is just so ordinary and lame and stupid and boring and SHE SUCKS!!!! (True.) Liz reassures her that she's HOTT and interesting, and I laugh because she totally isn't. But this Mike guy sounds like a real loser anyways, and he's ugly as hell, so he'll probably LOVE Enid. Liz orders Enid to go out with Mike, and Enid scurries off to meet him at -where else?- The Moon Beach! Yay, Moon Beach!!!!
Enid meets Mike and totally freaks because he's so (not) HOTT. She goes up to talk to him, loses her nerve, and runs out the door with a napkin dispenser for some reason. Jess is outside, and Enid begs her for help. Jess agrees to go inside and talk to Mike about how Enid is actually awesome. (Right...) Of course, Jess has a contractual obligation to want Mike for herself (because it's 5 minutes into the episode and she hasn't met The One yet), so she tells Mike that she -Jess- is Enid. Jess totally steals Mike from Enid, and I love her for it. Enid sucks.
The following day, Lila is super impressed that Jess hooked up with the STAR quarterback. Of course, Liz is less than impressed because stupid Enid is upset. Jess smooths it over by telling the Losers' Club that, if Mike was to find out, this could cause Mike to lose faith in the Teen Hotline! And then he won't call them when he has a problem, or something. I really don't care, but it's enough to shut up Liz and Enid.
Back at the Teen Hotline, Mike calls Enid and tells her he had a fabulous time the night before. (I bet he did...) He wants to take "Enid" on a hot air balloon ride because she's always wanted to go. But, obviously, the real Enid is a pussy, so she talks him into going mini golfing instead. Sweet! Enid drags Liz and Todd along on the date. If you guessed that she begged Liz to be her, then you're right!
Mike shows up and kisses "Enid" (Liz). Todd almost kills him on the spot, but he doesn't. However, he DOES threaten to kill Mike, so I'll let it go. Liz/"Enid" immediately decides that, since Mike likes Jessica, she will act like Jess. She does a real bitch act, and then there's a MONTAGE!
They play mini golf, and Todd bends a putter in half because he's SO angry that Mike hasn't told "Enid"/Liz/Jess to fuck off yet. Finally, Mike has had enough of "Enid"/Liz/Jess's bitchiness and he throws up the deuces. Liz tells Enid (the real one, *sigh*) that it's time to make her move. Todd is relieved that he can now make out with Liz on the mini golf course. Is NOTHING sacred to this guy?!?! Surely, there must be children observing this and getting scarred for life. I guess that's how the Teen Hotline stays in business.
Enid goes and finds Mike. He's playing a solo game of air hockey and not being very gentle with the equipment. He seems to have an anger issue, but I guess Enid has taken the day off from trying to solve everybody's issues. Still, Mike defends "Enid"/Liz/Jess when Enid comments on her bitchiness. He really likes her, so he basically ignores Enid and runs to talk to "Enid"/Liz/Jess (I'm SO sick of typing that). Of course, he finds her kissing Todd. So Enid is forced to explain everything as I try to stay awake. I wish I could jump into the TV and kick her ass for being so stupid. It all works out though, because Mike really likes the real Enid. And so their inappropriate relationship begins at last. No word on if he still calls the Teen Hotline... My guess is that he faked the entire divorce-thing just to hit on some new girls because he already banged all the Bridgewater skanks. I'm guesssing that this will lead to some sort of revenge plot. All of the episodes have one, it usually follows the montage and it's dramatic wrap-up.
Nobody tells Jess about any of this, so we end with Jess in a hot air balloon, waiting for Mike so she can be Enid again. Winston and his exchange student hop in and tease Jess about some stupid shit. Finally, Mike (and his crew of losers) shows up and tell Jess that the truth is out. At that moment, Jess's balloon takes off and she's stuck on a 4 hour ride with Win and his exchange student.

Subplot:
Winston meets his exchange student. Koichi is pretty cool. He knows English (of course) and he gets instant popularity. Even Bruce (!!!!BRUCE!!!!) likes him. Win is a little jealous at first, but Koichi assures him that it's just Japanese culture to be nice to people you don't like. Koichi gets revenge on Bruce by putting a plastic octopus on Bruce's MB burger (Koichi's dad makes rubber food in Japan). Everybody is impressed, but not me. I hate when they randomly introduce new characters 3/4 of the way through the season.

****The SarahLynn Summary****
*Enid is BORING. I hope she never gets another episode.
*It's perfectly acceptable to date people that you are supposed to be helping. And I am SO calling Dr. Drew and asking him out.
*Koichi is Japanese, yet he has no accent whatsoever.
*Liz and Todd make out WAY too much for a couple that has never even come close to having sex.
*Worst. Episode. Ever.
*I hate Enid more than I have ever hated a TV character in my entire life. Even more than that fucking Agent Self from the last seasons of Prison Break, and that's saying A LOT!
*Someday, I may devote an entire blog entry to my hatred of Enid.